Facing my past...or not??

LegacyUser

So I moved in with a friend of mine, into her apartment. At the beginning she was just an acquaintance but we grew close over the year and even went on holidays together. Then she really started to bug and irritate me. At the same time I was going though a stressful time, seeing a counsellor and dealing with a bad bout of anxiety.

I felt I had no personal space and she would come into my room without asking. It was her apartment so I always felt I couldn’t say anything. I just didn’t feel like it was my home as it was her apartment. Things started to get tense between us. Then I started dating a new guy and things got even more awkward and tense. I don’t even know why?? It’s like I wanted to hurt her because I was hurting myself. She wasn’t even a bad person to live with. I was just struggling.

I secretly started to throw some of her things out. I think I had built up a lot of anger and emotion towards her and that was the only way I could ease my anger. Looking back, I don’t even know why I was angry towards her. This continued for a few days. Eventually she told her parents, started locking her bedroom door and asked me to leave. Things were horrific at the end and I thought the gardai would be involved.

Looking back I can see that I was at fault. I completely regret what happened but I’m not courageous enough to apologise. I also don’t want to open old wounds. I have come to terms with what happened and accepted it.

Next week is our mutual friends birthday dinner. Only a few people are attending so if I go, I can’t avoid her. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen/spoken to each other and I’m afraid what will happen if I go. I’m also afraid of what she has said to other people about me.

I know we will encounter each other at a mutual friends wedding in a few months time. I think I probably should go to my friends birthday dinner to get it over with. I just don’t know what to do!
Please help!

Fakediamond

I don't see how you can move forward and interact with this person without some acknowledgement from you of the hurt and pain that you must have caused her. If you are taking responsibility for your actions, you'll have to make the first move, I would think.

If you are unable to do it in person, maybe you could email or write to her. If you make a sincere effort, it could go a long way towards healing the rift between you. You won't know until you try.

Esel

Contact her before the party with a full explanation and a sincere apology.

bonyn

I think this requires a Just Do It mentality

Send a text (maybe a call would be better but u might find a text easier) saying "hi x, sorry i haven't been in touch. Id love to catch up .. are you free friday for a coffee"

Await reply

If positive, meet and bring a nice gift. Apologise.

If negative, just explain why you're texting. Include apology and say you'd like to put it behind you. And you're looking forward to seeing her for a proper catch up.

If really negative or no response, well you tried , and it's understandable. If anything it will give her some time to think and smooth things over (in her head) in advance of the reunion.

Sound Bite

It depends...when you say you got rid of some of her stuff, are you talking about teabags or her car keys?!

Either way I think you need to compensate her for her loss before you can expect forgiveness.

Make a genuine effort to replace or allow her to replace things and make a sincere apology. It's unlikely that your friendship will be restored but at least you will feel better having tried to right your wrongs.

rock22

regretmypast wrote: »

So I moved in with a friend of mine
.....

I secretly started to throw some of her things out. .....

Looking back I can see that I was at fault. I completely regret what happened but I’m not courageous enough to apologise. I also don’t want to open old wounds. I have come to terms with what happened and accepted it.


Please help!

This sentence really jumps out to me .
Do you not think that you must apologise?

I couldn't imagine your 'friend' ever putting it behind them and 'accepting it' without an acknowledgment from you of what you did and an apology for doing it.

Teyla Emmagan

You need to compensate her for what you threw out. And apologise. Surely she has told all of these mutual friends about your mad behaviour and nearly having to call the guards to get rid of you (I would have). I would be ashamed to be in her presence again TBH.

ManOfMystery

You are ashamed of your actions, and want to avoid having to deal with them or even think about them.

Your friend meanwhile sees someone who treated her badly, then never apologised or acknowledged their behaviour at all. If you were hearing this story from someone else, you would be perceived as the 'bad guy' in this whole thing.

You say you have come to terms with what happened, but that's not really good enough. You have come to terms with it in your own head. Other people were affected by it but you have not addressed whether they have come to terms with it, and what you - as the responsible party here - can do to achieve that.

I think the only way for either of you to move on from this is for you have the courage to acknowledge what you did and apologise for it. Your friend may or may not accept your apology, and things may or may not remain cool between you .....................but at least you know you will have done the right thing in saying sorry, and taken a step (albeit a small one) towards rectifying this situation. Burying your head in the sand just makes you look like a coward.

I also think it's important that you address this before your friend's birthday dinner. If not, then the best case scenario is a noticeably frosty atmosphere between you and the other girl, and worst case scenario is that she ends up venting about how you treated her. In both cases, the birthday dinner is somewhat spoiled and the focus taken away from birthday girl. Do the right thing and either speak to her before then, or try and go for a coffee. If she needs to vent, let her get it off her chest there and at least her anger will hopefully have subsided by the time the birthday dinner rolls round.

SarahMollie

regretmypast wrote: »

Looking back I can see that I was at fault. I completely regret what happened but I’m not courageous enough to apologise. I also don’t want to open old wounds. I have come to terms with what happened and accepted it.

This sentence really stands out to me. Its just really not good enough. You owe this woman an apology, and its long overdue.

Also, to leave things hanging until either the birthday dinner/wedding is again unacceptable. What about the birthday girl? I'm sure she doesn't want her night ruined by a frosty atmosphere or an argument. If it were my birthday, you wouldnt be invited until you'd already made amends with your ex-flatmate, consisting of an apology and reimbursing her for the property you disposed of.

You clearly have your issues but it doesnt absolve you from doing the right thing. It seems to me like you use it to give yourself carte blanche to be selfish.