Loving someone suffering from anxiety

LegacyUser

I'm looking for advice on having a relationship with someone suffering from anxiety. They are seeking help and doing all the right things but it's difficult to deal with. Plans are often cancelled & I feel like we miss out on so much. I love this person, they are amazing but sometimes it feels like there's 3 of us in the relationship with the anxiety calling most of the shots.
I'm looking for advice from people with anxiety and their partners please.

leggo

Well when you say they're 'doing the right thing', what does that mean? So, to me, hearing that I'd say the right thing would be someone learning about their condition and triggers for anxiety, becoming proficient in identifying the problem and working with you on it rather than you being the one who always has to compromise. It's good that they're seeking help though.

Relationships are also give and take. So it's also a case of you having to accept that this is the person you love and the person you're in a relationship with. So when you say "we miss out on so much"...well, maybe that stuff you're missing out on just isn't a part of your relationship, and you have to weigh up whether missing stuff is worth the happiness you get from being with this person. Making plans and cancelling, though, isn't on and aren't the actions of someone who's 'working on it'.

So yeah, give and take is your answer. They have to learn how to deal with this better but you also have to accept that the condition exists and make your peace that it means the price of being with this person is not getting to do certain things.

irishguy1983

MidnightBlue wrote: »

I'm looking for advice on having a relationship with someone suffering from anxiety. They are seeking help and doing all the right things but it's difficult to deal with. Plans are often cancelled & I feel like we miss out on so much. I love this person, they are amazing but sometimes it feels like there's 3 of us in the relationship with the anxiety calling most of the shots.
I'm looking for advice from people with anxiety and their partners please.

It can be tough I'd imagine - going out with someone who suffers anxiety.

It might even be an idea for yourself to learn a bit more about anxiety - I say that in a positive way - not a nasty/patronising way - may help explain sometimes why plans are cancelled. Doesn't sound like this person fully has their anxiety under control( due to the fact they cancel plans a bit) but is doing their best.

Generally speaking a person with anxiety will probably need a bit more reassurance than others and a bit more protection - up to yourself if you feel it is worth it.

Also I get the fact is is frustrating.

GuessWhoEh

I suffer with anxiety and depression. I have done for years. I'm on medication and take them daily, every morning. Currently in a new relationship and everything is going great. I told the guy from the start. Only advice I can give you is to ask your partner what she wants to do. Don't make plans to far off as (I found) that I would panic and back out. Small plans. Example -walk in the park after work. Start of slow. Not many people around and eventually they will learn to by pass the anxiety. Its extremely difficult at times and upsetting within yourself. Praying that the next day will be easier. It does. If you try and let it. Talk to your partner. Try walk through the anxiety with them and see what you can do to make it less stressful. Granted its so hard when it comes to the other person getting the effect of it. But your partner hates it as much as you do. Just ask them what they want and try and set days and times and soon it will get easier. Speaking from experience, some days are difficult I can't even go to work but if I set myself a small task of going to work but distracting myself with a certain task or mini goal for the end of the day. Eventually, I've done a full week of work with no panic attacks. Its been 4 months since I've had an "episode" mainly because I don't pressure myself into doing things. If friends make plans to go out on a certain day, I dont answer. Not out of rudeness but to calm myself down. The pressure of dping something soical can send me up the walls.

Sit down with your partner and talk. It helps and you get the best of both worlds

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I suffer from panic attacks too so I can see it from both sides. I have just recently begun seeing someone and I was honest from the start about them. I can guarantee your partner feels bad for cancelling plans, this is not a life anyone would ever choose so PLEASE do not add any guilt onto her for that.

Instead, the key really is trust. As a previous poster said, its the pressure of "what if I have a panic attack and have to cancel" that often causes the problem in the first place! If you take the attitude "you can leave anytime, it's ok" I promise you, it could make all the difference. It immediately removes that "I'll let him down" stress. As they get more comfortable with you and knowing that you won't get angry/disappointed (visibly anyway), the attacks could really lessen.

So much of panic attacks is about feeling out of control. Reassure her that she has control, she can come and go as she likes, without judgement.

Hope that helps.

Shasha2016

First of all I absolutely admire you for wanted to know more about it. I was in a relationship for a long time and when I had a bad day I was told to just get over it ....obviously this doesn't help if anything it made it worse. . I suffer with anxiety and I can only describe it as having 2 sepate people inside the one body. I have tried coping with it for a long time and there are periods where it's worse than others...but I changed my out look on things and tried to see the positive in everything that seems to work for me.

All I can say is try get your partner to talk as much as possible ..I know myself I didn't talk enough and I pushed everyone away.

KikiDee

Shasha2016 wrote: »

First of all I absolutely admire you for wanted to know more about it.

+1 to this.

I suffer from anxiety and my ex done exactly what you're doing. He found out more about it. As our relationship moved forward, he came to a couple of sessions with me to get a better understanding of my triggers and the exercises I applied for dealing with them and the panic that would follow.

I think the advise of small steps is great. Obviously, it depends on your partners triggers so finding out about them is key I think.