being harassed by an ex

LegacyUser

Im going unreg for obvious reasons here.

So i had the misfortune to live with a psychotic lad for just over a year. Basically we met, he hounded me, I was on the rebound and probably a bit vulnerable, he threw a strop one night, freaked me out, and I moved in to his place (biggest mistake of my life). Mr X is 20yrs my senior, has a record, has a string of ex-wives, kids, barring orders...the list goes on (I obviously didn't know all this until I was living with Mr X for some time). Ive never done anything worse than eating a few grapes in the supermarket. I have a profession, good family, stable financially, etc. Needless to say my family and friends were climbing the walls but I believed him when he said he had turned his life around and didn't know the details of his past until i was up to my neck in it.

Anyway, fast forward a year and its crystal clear Mr X has not turned anything around. He's paranoid, controlling, tracing my phone, verbally abusive, and i start wondering if he's criminally active. Takes me a few months to logistically sort things, but i get out (thank God) and its almost amicable.

Fast forward 6 months and I'm close to leaving the country - I've had my tyres slashed, changed my phone number twice, blocked 7 phone numbers for him/mystery weirdo callers, had creepy voicemails threatening my safety, blocked his email after endless foul emails, had scumbags sit in my car spot for hours on end, been followed, had a few midnight visits from him purely to hurl abuse at me, my parents both have had pestering phone calls, my best friend was sent an obituary, a lad he saw me talk to is getting never-ending phone calls - one from Mr X warning my pal away from me - a second from a mystery caller telling my pal I've been going around saying crap about him, another lad who took me on one cinema date basically runs a mile if he sees me (i reckon he was threatened too), a letter threatening me with legal action if i don't pay him a 5 figure sum of money, another letter threatening to have my job taken. Basically anyone i associate with is getting contacted either to be freaked out or to be told that I'm a crazy.

Ive stopped wondering why he's doing this and I've decided he has to be psychotic. I think he's trying to isolate me from the world enough so that i go back to him for 'protection' - clearly that is the absolute last place i would go. Im lucky i got out with no ties.

Im actually at my wits end.
I realise I willingly walked into it, the lesson has been learned HARD. But, how the hell do i get rid. Ive reported to the police, they can do nothing although he's well known to them as he's not stupid - the phones are all tesco mobiles bought by some bogus woman, he avoided cameras when slashing so the is not face visible, etcetc - the man knows every trick in the book. Ive sent him a solicitors letter, id say he will wipe his backside with it.

Im half afraid that i could be in physical danger. I won't stay alone at the moment. Im also worried that if the police do manage to get enough to arrest him that he will be so angry that i will be in bigger danger. Im not in the habit of employing heavies, apart from anything else i have a high profile job and don't need that biting me in the ass ever. I know two other women who have experienced same with this man but both are afraid he will start on them again if they are seen/heard to have anything to do with me.

Has anyone any suggestions?

dudara

Have you spoken to the Gardai about this?

John Mason

dudara wrote: »

Have you spoken to the Gardai about this?

". Ive reported to the police, they can do nothing although he's well known to them as he's not stupid"

.

LegacyUser

Yes - I've been to the Gardai three times now. They are very sympathetic as they know him but say they can do nothing unless they get him on camera actively vandalising or the like. I imagine it has something to do with him being difficult for them, he's not the type they can 'have a word' with.

Penny Tration

The gardai absolutely can do something, given he's contacted friends and family of yours telling them to back away. It means you have witnesses.


First things first, get a notebook. Write down every single call, text, incident, everything, timed and dated. Keep filling it in as incidents happen, including incidents that happen to your friends and family.


Go back to the gardai with this notebook, and request a meeting with the superintendent.


Apply for a protection order. If you lived with him previously, this should be obtained easily with the diary of events. After you get the protection order, you'll get a court date for a full barring order.


Insist on speaking to the superintendent, you've already given the gardai a chance and they've failed you. Harassment, criminal damage and threats are all criminal acts, and while they may have no proof of him doing the physical damage they should be actioning the rest.

LegacyUser

I feel for you. I know the type, have experience. I suggest you apply to the district court for a protection order. Then the judge will review it and may put a safety order in place for up to 5 years .

My one regret is not involving heavies from the outset. Best of luck

Fakediamond

Is there any way you could get a transfer in your job and put a bit of distance between you and him? It would be harder to track you if you were in another city, although he sounds dangerous and persistent.

I'm not sure the Garda response is adequate. If you really think he is criminally "connected", at the very least they should be giving you advice on your safety, they have standard documentation that they give to persons under threat, varying your routines/routes, taking care entering/exiting buildings etc.

I think I would be writing to the local Superindentent, asking for a meeting, at the very least. From what you're detailing, there's no point in just turning up in the public office and speaking to the guard on duty, it's a bit more serious than that.

SB_Part2

Penny Tration wrote: »

The gardai absolutely can do something, given he's contacted friends and family of yours telling them to back away. It means you have witnesses.


First things first, get a notebook. Write down every single call, text, incident, everything, timed and dated. Keep filling it in as incidents happen, including incidents that happen to your friends and family.


Go back to the gardai with this notebook, and request a meeting with the superintendent.


Apply for a protection order. If you lived with him previously, this should be obtained easily with the diary of events. After you get the protection order, you'll get a court date for a full barring order.


Insist on speaking to the superintendent, you've already given the gardai a chance and they've failed you. Harassment, criminal damage and threats are all criminal acts, and while they may have no proof of him doing the physical damage they should be actioning the rest.

Unfortunately this isn't really how things work in this country. You can only get a barring order for him if you both own/live in a house and the barring order is barring him from the house.

http://www.brophysolicitors.ie/brophysolicitors/Main/Family_Law_Barring_Orders.html

I don't really know what else you can do but do keep a record of everything. I know the feeling. I've a similar situation going on.

Fakediamond

After you are concerned about your personal safety, here's a link to a site where you can get advice, complete a risk assessment etc.

http://www.dashriskchecklist.co.uk

eviltwin

She can't apply for any orders, she doesn't meet the criteria

OP I would suggest contacting Womens Aid, they will be able to advise you and provide support if you decide to go legal.

bigbrotherfan

eviltwin wrote: »

She can't apply for any orders, she doesn't meet the criteria

OP I would suggest contacting Womens Aid, they will be able to advise you and provide support if you decide to go legal.

This was the advice I was going to give. I still think that if you have other people who have been contacted in a threatening way by this guy that it would be worth getting witness statements from them.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

She can't apply for any orders, she doesn't meet the criteria

OP I would suggest contacting Womens Aid, they will be able to advise you and provide support if you decide to go legal.[/QUOTE

Such dangerous information to give, of course she can apply for a safety order

Fakediamond

Nton wrote: »

eviltwin wrote: »

She can't apply for any orders, she doesn't meet the criteria

OP I would suggest contacting Womens Aid, they will be able to advise you and provide support if you decide to go legal.[/QUOTE

Such dangerous information to give, of course she can apply for a safety order

Only if they have co-habited for 6 out of the last 12 months. As far as I can tell, OP would have to go the criminal prosecution route, which she may not want to do.

eviltwin

Nton wrote: »

eviltwin wrote: »

She can't apply for any orders, she doesn't meet the criteria

OP I would suggest contacting Womens Aid, they will be able to advise you and provide support if you decide to go legal.[/QUOTE

Such dangerous information to give, of course she can apply for a safety order

No she can't. The laws on domestic abuse don't cover dating relationships unless they have a child together or are living/ have lived together in the past as Fakediamond mentioned. It's crap but that's the restrictions as they stand at the moment.

The OP can still get lots of practical support and advice from Womens Aid on how to deal with this going forward.

Penny Tration

eviltwin wrote: »

Nton wrote: »

No she can't. The laws on domestic abuse don't cover dating relationships unless they have a child together or are living/ have lived together in the past as Fakediamond mentioned. It's crap but that's the restrictions as they stand at the moment.

The OP can still get lots of practical support and advice from Womens Aid on how to deal with this going forward.

Are you sure? Several years ago, I was attacked by a boyfriend. I was told in the police station when asking for a protection order, that once I'd lived with him for 6 months, I could apply for it.


I think the OP should look into it regardless because none of us here are legal experts, just giving anecdotal advice.

SB_Part2

Penny Tration wrote: »

Are you sure? Several years ago, I was attacked by a boyfriend. I was told in the police station when asking for a protection order, that once I'd lived with him for 6 months, I could apply for it.


I think the OP should look into it regardless because none of us here are legal experts, just giving anecdotal advice.

From here:
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html

You can get a barring order against a violent partner if you have been living together in an intimate and committed relationship for six out of the previous nine months and your partner does not own most or all of the house you are living in.

But a barring order is:

A barring order is an order which requires the violent person to leave the family home. The order also prohibits the person from further violence or threats of violence, and from watching or being near your home. A barring order can last up to 3 years.

If he's not living with her then I'm not sure there's any point to it. She'd have to prove he was near her home or watching it.