Nervous around good looking people

LegacyUser

Ok f*ck it, I need to vent.

As the title suggests, I get really nervous around good looking people (male or female). I'm always fumbling my words around them, get hyper self-conscious and just end up coming across like a tw*t

My self-esteem is pretty low, which factors in this for sure. So since May, I've really started to work on myself and also push myself outside of my comfort zone to improve my self esteem (eating brilliantly/lifting weights/going to counselling/taking up new hobbies and picking up old hobbies).

My understanding is that this is pretty common among people with self-esteem/anxiety issues? If anyone's overcome it, I'd very much appreciate some tips/advice/info on what helped them.

Thanks a mil.

Not sure what any of us can add, because you're doing pretty much all of the right stuff and you're on a pretty good path right now.

Rubberchikken

as above^^.
you're aware of the issue and doing things to help you deal with it. so keep on doing those things.
if you find that things don't improve, then get some support.

good luck

Parchment

I have been like this all my life. I hated how I look (but it has got much better) but it made my life hell.

I feel so disgusting and grotty around beautiful people. I want to hide away from them so they don't have to look at me.

I actually had an eating disorder as a result of how I felt and hitting rock bottom with that made me see that looks are really not everything and that beauty is the kind of person you are not what you look like.

Sure it makes life easier if you are attractive but when you realise you can only be you....all competition falls away and hopefully you will accept yourself for who you are. There is nobody else like you - why try to be someone else?

silverharp

Ill assume you are a twenty something male and not a 40 something. Play the long game, as your career develops get a few promotions under your belt and if you work to improve yourself your self esteem should rise. In your private life absolutely push yourself fitness wise try a new activities etc. once you feel like you are going places you will give off that vibe

Parchment

silverharp wrote: »

Ill assume you are a twenty something male and not a 40 something. Play the long game, as your career develops get a few promotions under your belt and if you work to improve yourself your self esteem should rise. In your private life absolutely push yourself fitness wise try a new activities etc. once you feel like you are going places you will give off that vibe

Work is nothing to do with it in my opinion. That would imply people working in Tesco at a till have no self esteem as they have not been promoted to Manager. Or someone working at a desk has not self esteem because they are not the office manager.

Self esteem comes from inside us - not from things outside.

silverharp

Parchment wrote: »

Work is nothing to do with it in my opinion. That would imply people working in Tesco at a till have no self esteem as they have not been promoted to Manager. Or someone working at a desk has not self esteem because they are not the office manager.

Self esteem comes from inside us - not from things outside.

it doesnt have to be about career but its easier to change your self esteem by doing something instead of reading some dumb self help book that suggests you can be awsome just because you are you. it comes down to finding passions learning new skills deciding to engage more with people.

Parchment

silverharp wrote: »

it doesnt have to be about career but its easier to change your self esteem by doing something instead of reading some dumb self help book that suggests you can be awsome just because you are you. it comes down to finding passions learning new skills deciding to engage more with people.

You seem to miss the point. Self esteem is internal.

Self help books may seem dumb to you but to many they are helpful as its a low cost, non-judgemental way to seek help.

LunarSea

silverharp wrote: »

it comes down to finding passions learning new skills deciding to engage more with people.

This bit correct, but for a lot of people has nothing to do with their job, so why bring that up?

silverharp

LunarSea wrote: »

This bit correct, but for a lot of people has nothing to do with their job, so why bring that up?

because there are guys that start their early twenties not exactly being social butterflies however if their careers take off they normally fly it

jimmyRotator

silverharp wrote: »

because there are guys that start their early twenties not exactly being social butterflies however if their careers take off they normally fly it

Exactly.

The reality is that society tends to value men for their status and women for their looks.

Because this reality is unpleasant doesnt make it any less true.

AS the op is male, progressing in his career will elevate his status as he earns the respect of his peers, and this will raise his self-esteem.

Clearly you should also simultaneously strive to be a nice person, but the posters (parchment) who posit that your self-esteem can be elevated solely from recognising the beauty within are undoubtedly female, and contend with different societal values.

LegacyUser

If you feel insecure specifically around good looking people, then you could be unknowingly putting them up on a pedestal and feeling more inferior. It's pretty normal to do that when your young with low self esteem.
It's great that your working on your self esteem already but try learn to view people beyond their looks. Won't happen over night, but keep what your doing and you'll be fine.

Parchment

jimmyRotator wrote: »

Exactly.

The reality is that society tends to value men for their status and women for their looks.

Because this reality is unpleasant doesnt make it any less true.

AS the op is male, progressing in his career will elevate his status as he earns the respect of his peers, and this will raise his self-esteem.

Clearly you should also simultaneously strive to be a nice person, but the posters (parchment) who posit that your self-esteem can be elevated solely from recognising the beauty within are undoubtedly female, and contend with different societal values.

I can tell you that the women who judge a man by his career/money are probably ones that are only interested in superficial things.

Genuine people see the real person and value that. Not sure what circles you move in but my friends dont judge based on careers.

jimmyRotator

Parchment wrote: »

I can tell you that the women who judge a man by his career/money are probably ones that are only interested in superficial things.

Genuine people see the real person and value that. Not sure what circles you move in but my friends dont judge based on careers.

Obviously financial security is not the sole criteria for which a woman judges a man.

But I think you must be lying if you say it doesnt factor in significantly. For example, if you would like to have children with your potential life-partner, do you not consider whether the potential man would be a good provider?

I dont mean that women are gold-diggers and trying to score rich men, but I imagine some level of financial security is necessary and factors into mate-selection. Are many of your friends in long-term relationships with guys on minimum wage ?

LunarSea

jimmyRotator wrote: »

Obviously financial security is not the sole criteria for which a woman judges a man.

But I think you must be lying if you say it doesnt factor in significantly. For example, if you would like to have children with your potential life-partner, do you not consider whether the potential man would be a good provider?

I dont mean that women are gold-diggers and trying to score rich men, but I imagine some level of financial security is necessary and factors into mate-selection. Are many of your friends in long-term relationships with guys on minimum wage ?

Absolute nonsense. You can have financial security on or around minimum wage. You may not be living the highlife, but it's doable.

There's so much modern **** that we're all in a flap to buy but we really don't need any of it.

LunarSea

jimmyRotator wrote: »

Exactly.

The reality is that society tends to value men for their status and women for their looks.

Because this reality is unpleasant doesnt make it any less true.

AS the op is male, progressing in his career will elevate his status as he earns the respect of his peers, and this will raise his self-esteem.

Clearly you should also simultaneously strive to be a nice person, but the posters (parchment) who posit that your self-esteem can be elevated solely from recognising the beauty within are undoubtedly female, and contend with different societal values.

I find that being a nice person gets me a lot further with people than my career (which I'm trying to "downgrade at the minute because fúck being stressed out the whole time) - it's not the 1950s any more and you're just perpetuating the stereotypes.

jimmyRotator

LunarSea wrote: »

Absolute nonsense. You can have financial security on or around minimum wage. You may not be living the highlife, but it's doable.

There's so much modern **** that we're all in a flap to buy but we really don't need any of it.

Is it your experience that women choose men who work minimum wage?

LunarSea

jimmyRotator wrote: »

Is it your experience that women choose men who work minimum wage?

It's my experience (non-shallow) women pick men who they are happy with, income be damned.

intheclouds

jimmyRotator wrote: »

Is it your experience that women choose men who work minimum wage?

Any man I know on minimum wage is in a relationship so yes, there are women who don't give a **** about men with high flying careers.

This is a pretty dumb line of thinking because ultimately people are people and come in many different shapes, sizes, earning abilities, expectations etc...

There are many men on the dole in relationships and many rich single men, so what?

Career is only one aspect of a persons life and while it might contribute positively to ones self esteem it might also contribute negatively. It's irrelevant anyway because the ability to like oneself is internal and not external.

You can be in a ****ty situation but still feel good about yourself. This is what the OP needs to aspire to.

OP I suggest you read Mans Search for Meaning by Victor Frankel, he was a Nazi concentration camp survivor. A great read.

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

OP I suggest you read Mans Search for Meaning by Victor Frankel, he was a Nazi concentration camp survivor. A great read.

Unbelievable that you suggested that!! I actually borrowed it out from the library just yesterday and I've already hit the 100 page mark. It's mind blowing stuff.

LunarSea

jimmyRotator wrote: »

Is it your experience that women choose men who work minimum wage?

I should add to this that I know couples that are more or less on the same wage and ones that have quite the disparity, which runs in both directions.

I do know one lass (she makes about €40k a year) whose main criteria in a partner is he makes more money than her. She's about to turn 40, has been single for 9 years (despite looking for a partner) and id desperately miserable.

Go figure.

silverharp

Im not sure why my comments about career success went down a rabbit hole about attracting a wife? its very simple , Ill posit a worst case scenario of a man who is unemployed and sits in his house playing video games for 15 hours a day cant have self esteem. If the same man is unemployed but coaches the local soccer team , is a volunteer in the RNLI (random examples) and is trying to change their economic circumstances perhaps that individual is better placed to see themselves in a positive light because such an individual is taking on challenges and succeeding.

it just so happens that career success is also a natural self esteem booster for men in particular which might not be apparent if one is in their early twenties and might just be a junior in the work place. I certainly had friends that fit the bill, left college as "geeky engineers" and within 5 or 6 years were project managers with a lot of responsibility, in the meantime they had matured and their confidence increased. If their late twenties selves could go back in time and have a conversation with their early twenties selves it would simply be don't be so hard on yourself but get out there and apply yourself, if you have your own thing going on there is no reason to be intimidated by anyone.

LegacyUser

So, hang on, if we are saying that men get self-esteem/judged by from their finances/careers, and women get self-esteem/ judged by their looks, then isnt telling a man to build his self-esteem by doing well in his career like telling a woman to get self-esteem by being better-looking?

Jay Pentatonic

silverharp wrote: »

Im not sure why my comments about career success went down a rabbit hole about attracting a wife? its very simple , Ill posit a worst case scenario of a man who is unemployed and sits in his house playing video games for 15 hours a day cant have self esteem. If the same man is unemployed but coaches the local soccer team , is a volunteer in the RNLI (random examples) and is trying to change their economic circumstances perhaps that individual is better placed to see themselves in a positive light because such an individual is taking on challenges and succeeding.

it just so happens that career success is also a natural self esteem booster for men in particular which might not be apparent if one is in their early twenties and might just be a junior in the work place. I certainly had friends that fit the bill, left college as "geeky engineers" and within 5 or 6 years were project managers with a lot of responsibility, in the meantime they had matured and their confidence increased. If their late twenties selves could go back in time and have a conversation with their early twenties selves it would simply be don't be so hard on yourself but get out there and apply yourself, if you have your own thing going on there is no reason to be intimidated by anyone.

Great post for you here OP.
And as others have said, you're on a pretty good path anyway right now. So just keep up the good work, you'll notice a positive change within yourself eventually.