Is this fair?

irishguy1983

I'll be as quick as I can and not a massive issue but want to see what other people think...

Really like this girl - we hang out quite a bit - she has a boyfriend and is 100% not interested in me in a romantic way (this is not up for debate - I just know it). She kinda looks up to me/feels I am helping her with some issue of hers shall we say.

I am planning to tell her how I feel and suggest it might not be appropriate for us to hang out anymore. I feel like I am lying pretending to be her friend when my feelings are not friendship(they are more). She thinks we are great buddies and is delighted with a new friend - I feel like a bit of a fraud.

Thoughts on telling her how I feel?

batmanrobin

As you say, you can't be friends when you have deeper feelings for her.

At the same time, IMO, it wouldn't be right to cut contact without an explanation.

Without making it something heavy, you could just say, hi x unfortunately I don't think I can be friends anymore, my feelings for you have changed to more than friendship, wish you all the best etc

Something to that effect?

Or you could just gradually reduce contact. I'm always about just being upfront though.

It would be selfish of her to expect you to continue a friendship with her if you tell her you have feelings for her.

irishguy1983

batmanrobin wrote: »

As you say, you can't be friends when you have deeper feelings for her.

At the same time, IMO, it wouldn't be right to cut contact without an explanation.

Without making it something heavy, you could just say, hi x unfortunately I don't think I can be friends anymore, my feelings for you have changed to more than friendship, wish you all the best etc

Something to that effect?

Or you could just gradually reduce contact. I'm always about just being upfront though.

It would be selfish of her to expect you to continue a friendship with her if you tell her you have feelings for her.

That was a very clear, logical answer which was bang on the head - damn you!

Bit more background - my own fecking therpaist said the same thing! I would normally cut off person/reduce contact/fade them out or block feelings which are all really unhealthy but a pattern of mine. He actually said words similar enough to your own 'Try being honest for once - it would be good for you, you'll learn something, you'll break a pattern and she may learn something too'.

I hope I manage to do this - would be quite the break through and a very healthy way to manage it. I'll hate losing her as a buddy but then again she is not really a buddy I suppose.

BetsyEllen

OP if I were the girl, I would appreciate the honesty.
I would hate to just be slowly phased out as I would always wonder what went wrong, did I do something etc.

I am sure she will completely understand and an explanation will be much appreciated.

irishguy1983

BetsyEllen wrote: »

OP if I were the girl, I would appreciate the honesty.
I would hate to just be slowly phased out as I would always wonder what went wrong, did I do something etc.

I am sure she will completely understand and an explanation will be much appreciated.

Well damn you too

Again correct - she has low esteem so doing that wouldn't help her to be honest.

Gees I kind of created thread maybe unconciously at the time thinking someone would give me a way out.

Seems like tis all well adjusted, healthy people here

BetsyEllen

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Well damn you too

Again correct - she has low esteem so doing that wouldn't help her to be honest.

Gees I kind of created thread maybe unconciously at the time thinking someone would give me a way out.

Seems like tis all well adjusted, healthy people here

Haha - I'm great at giving advice but my own life is pretty fecked, trust me!!
I also have a terrible habit of fading people out and have been left feeling awful because of it many a time. I made a decision to myself recently that I must stop doing this as it affects me in the long run, the guilt etc.

It's so much easier to just be honest, at least it's over and done with - the fading out could take months and imagine you will feel for all of that time and then afterwards.

If it's difficult to do it face to face maybe do it by (detailed, friendly) text - some may say that's cowardly but I definitely think compared to the fading, it's a much nicer alternative.

irishguy1983

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Haha - I'm great at giving advice but my own life is pretty fecked, trust me!!
I also have a terrible habit of fading people out and have been left feeling awful because of it many a time. I made a decision to myself recently that I must stop doing this as it affects me in the long run, the guilt etc.

It's so much easier to just be honest, at least it's over and done with - the fading out could take months and imagine you will feel for all of that time and then afterwards.

If it's difficult to do it face to face maybe do it by (detailed, friendly) text - some may say that's cowardly but I definitely think compared to the fading, it's a much nicer alternative.

I definitely wouldn't do it by text! She'd get an awful shock and would probably be quite stunned - we've been hanging out quite a bit in the last 2 weeks so a sudden text like that I feel would be quite dramatic. Will defo do it face to face when I get the courage together.

I find it kind of funny/annoying! Like I am rejecting her if ya get me but in reality it is she who is rejecting me! I'm worried about she will take it yet tis me who is really getting rejected!

irishguy1983

P.S I also work with her and have to see her everyday as we are on same floor in office!

baby and crumble

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I find it kind of funny/annoying! Like I am rejecting her if ya get me but in reality it is she who is rejecting me! I'm worried about she will take it yet tis me who is really getting rejected!

It's nobody's fault, nobody is "rejecting" anyone. It's poor timing in your head, perhaps, seeing how she has a BF, but can you not stay friends, or at least try? I've never understood why you have to cut off all contact in a case like this.

irishguy1983

baby and crumble wrote: »

It's nobody's fault, nobody is "rejecting" anyone. It's poor timing in your head, perhaps, seeing how she has a BF, but can you not stay friends, or at least try? I've never understood why you have to cut off all contact in a case like this.

I don't think it is anyone's fault - just the way the cookies crumble really.

I don't think staying friends would be healthy for either - I doubt she'd be comfortable hanging out with me so much if she knew I had feelings for her - I am presuming her BF isn't thrilled with her hanging out me so much at the moment but I presume she is passing it off as 'we are buddies and I am lonely living in different city' - this changes when I tell her my feelings.

For me I don't think it would feel too good - we were in night club together last night and I nearly cried as I wanted to kiss her so much! The boose didn't help but I think you understand!

batmanrobin

irishguy1983 wrote: »

That was a very clear, logical answer which was bang on the head - damn you!

Bit more background - my own fecking therpaist said the same thing! I would normally cut off person/reduce contact/fade them out or block feelings which are all really unhealthy but a pattern of mine. He actually said words similar enough to your own 'Try being honest for once - it would be good for you, you'll learn something, you'll break a pattern and she may learn something too'.

I hope I manage to do this - would be quite the break through and a very healthy way to manage it. I'll hate losing her as a buddy but then again she is not really a buddy I suppose.

Haha!! Sorry, OP :-)

Yeah, she's not really a friend if you want more. It's not fair on either of you.

Just take it easy on the approach and if she's a decent person she'll understand.

SB_Part2

I don't think you should say anything. Especially if you work with her. That's just going to be awkward.

irishguy1983

batmanrobin wrote: »

Haha!! Sorry, OP :-)

Yeah, she's not really a friend if you want more. It's not fair on either of you.

Just take it easy on the approach and if she's a decent person she'll understand.

Yeah I've not really enjoyed the replies - I was more looking for people to give me a way out/come up with a strategy I'm gone past the cutting people out/blocking my feelings but I was hoping someone might have a new strategy for me

On a serious note I like your thoughts on the approach - take it handy. I'm bursting with feelings - would like to let it all for once but I'm gonna stick with words like "Hey X - not easy to say this but I don't think it is really appropriate for us to be friends in the future as I have feelings for you which are more than friendship"....Just going to have to play it by ear after that and see what she says....

Big Bag of Chips

The one thing I will say is, unless you are really REALLY really very good at hiding your feelings she'll have an idea. People usually do (well women do anyway!) Maybe she is enjoying her new "friend" but there's a chance she's also enjoying the extra bit of male attention. Maybe not deliberately, maybe not consciously, but if she has low self esteem, then having a boyfriend and a really good male friend who she's spending a lot of time with could well be giving her a little confidence boost that she is enjoying.

I think if you do say something to her, then she should respect your wishes to maintain a bit of distance.

I also think if you do want to say something, then a text isn't the worst idea. You're worrying about her and how she'll feel, but realistically you should be doing what's right for you. If you are in therapy for problems and ways you deal with things, then maybe, for now you need to be a bit selfish a do what's best for you. She'll be ok. She'll get over whatever shock she might initially feel, and hopefully understand and respect your position.

BetsyEllen

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The one thing I will say is, unless you are really REALLY really very good at hiding your feelings she'll have an idea. People usually do (well women do anyway!) Maybe she is enjoying her new "friend" but there's a chance she's also enjoying the extra bit of male attention. Maybe not deliberately, maybe not consciously, but if she has low self esteem, then having a boyfriend and a really good male friend who she's spending a lot of time with could well be giving her a little confidence boost that she is enjoying.

This is an excellent point.
OP, if I had a male friend at work who was going to a night club with me etc, I would have a very good idea that he fancies me.
I would say she is enjoying the attention as any woman would.

Things may not be 100% in her relationship if she is spending so much time with you suddenly and you could be providing the distraction and confidence boost that she needs. Which is not fair on you, evident by how you're feeling now.

You telling her that you can't see so much of her anymore will hardly come as a surprise and I think she will understand.

irishguy1983

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The one thing I will say is, unless you are really REALLY really very good at hiding your feelings she'll have an idea. People usually do (well women do anyway!) Maybe she is enjoying her new "friend" but there's a chance she's also enjoying the extra bit of male attention. Maybe not deliberately, maybe not consciously, but if she has low self esteem, then having a boyfriend and a really good male friend who she's spending a lot of time with could well be giving her a little confidence boost that she is enjoying.

I think if you do say something to her, then she should respect your wishes to maintain a bit of distance.

I also think if you do want to say something, then a text isn't the worst idea. You're worrying about her and how she'll feel, but realistically you should be doing what's right for you. If you are in therapy for problems and ways you deal with things, then maybe, for now you need to be a bit selfish a do what's best for you. She'll be ok. She'll get over whatever shock she might initially feel, and hopefully understand and respect your position.

In therapy as part of my training to be one

Yes I would agree 90% of women know when a bloke likes them - anyone with half a brain knows if you are going out together alone for drinks/texting all the time/etc then he is keen - however she is quite daft (the type that is smart but kind of daft in life if that makes sense) and my sense is her self esteem is so low she would never think another guy could like her - again I am speculating.

However no point in speculating/thinking/strategising as per my normal routine - just want to be honest and hopefully learn something.

bilbot79

I think the reason you are doing this is because you hope she will leave her boyfriend and be with you. In that case do it because in the end all is fair in love and war

irishguy1983

bilbot79 wrote: »

I think the reason you are doing this is because you hope she will leave her boyfriend and be with you. In that case do it because in the end all is fair in love and war

Fair enough - we are entitled to our opinions.

I am doing this for myself and to handle it well/show some growth so to speak- it is not in the hope she leaves her BF for me as this isn't an option - up to yourself if you want to believe that or not.

bilbot79

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Fair enough - we are entitled to our opinions.

I am doing this for myself and to handle it well/show some growth so to speak- it is not in the hope she leaves her BF for me as this isn't an option - up to yourself if you want to believe that or not.

The proposed approach makes no sense to me whatsoever. 'Handling it' would be accepting that a potential relationship with her is not on the cards and keeping your feelings to yourself so as not to endanger the existing relationship.

Know this however, selfishness is an inherently human condition and no matter how much we try to suppress it, it will resurface. Perhaps in another form such as your 'I have to tell her for my own growth' stuff. I am sure a teensy weensy part of you is dreaming about how this plays out into a little kiss or a hug which is a little more intimate than usual.

As I say, all is fair in love and war and there are no prisoners in this game. My advice to you is make a decision on whether or not you want to prise them apart for your own benefit (which, according to me, is not a red card offence) or if you want to respect the status quo. Telling her, supposedly without the intention of it leading anywhere is a falsity in this scenario.

I acknowledge as you say, that this is only my opinion.

bilbot

irishguy1983

bilbot79 wrote: »

The proposed approach makes no sense to me whatsoever. 'Handling it' would be accepting that a potential relationship with her is not on the cards and keeping your feelings to yourself so as not to endanger the existing relationship.

Know this however, selfishness is an inherently human condition and no matter how much we try to suppress it, it will resurface. Perhaps in another form such as your 'I have to tell her for my own growth' stuff. I am sure a teensy weensy part of you is dreaming about how this plays out into a little kiss or a hug which is a little more intimate than usual.

As I say, all is fair in love and war and there are no prisoners in this game. My advice to you is make a decision on whether or not you want to prise them apart for your own benefit (which, according to me, is not a red card offence) or if you want to respect the status quo. Telling her, supposedly without the intention of it leading anywhere is a falsity in this scenario.

I acknowledge as you say, that this is only my opinion.

bilbot

For me keeping feelings to yourself is not the best way of handling things in these circumstances - just my experience.

Existing relationship? Well I suppose I feel tis a bit fake now and kind of has to change - that's my thought process on it.

I am telling her with the intention that our friendship will end - I do think it will lead somewhere ie friendship or rather fake friendship really ends!

bilbot79

By existing relationship i mean the one she has with her boyfriend.

'I am telling her with the intention that our friendship will end' = 'I cant handle being anything else but her lover so I am telling her how I feel regardless of the fact she has a boyfriend, that way if she can grow to like me something might happen. If she can't grow to like me, no matter, i'll be scarpering anyway and wont have to face any consequences'

Classic!

SB_Part2

irishguy1983 wrote: »

For me keeping feelings to yourself is not the best way of handling things in these circumstances - just my experience.

Existing relationship? Well I suppose I feel tis a bit fake now and kind of has to change - that's my thought process on it.

I am telling her with the intention that our friendship will end - I do think it will lead somewhere ie friendship or rather fake friendship really ends!

Come off it. You're telling her in the hope she feels the same and will end it with her boyfriend.

As someone who had a crush/fell for my best friend for 13 years and used the fade-out option once she got engaged, I can recommend you do not do the same as I got it all wrong. Although we had a great friendship, it wasn't good for either of our relationships as I avoided her partner and knew that time spent with mine was far inferior to that with my then gf. It is really hard to walk away from someone that special though, hence the 13 year wait but the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Maybe you're more mature than me and can work through it to hold onto the friendship. If not, i'd advise you sit down and talk somewhere quiet, and def not at work, to explain. Maybe suggest a coffee a month later to give yourself time to think it through. Without contact with her (outside work) you could decide things look differently.

batmanrobin

bilbot79 wrote: »

By existing relationship i mean the one she has with her boyfriend.

'I am telling her with the intention that our friendship will end' = 'I cant handle being anything else but her lover so I am telling her how I feel regardless of the fact she has a boyfriend, that way if she can grow to like me something might happen. If she can't grow to like me, no matter, i'll be scarpering anyway and wont have to face any consequences'

Classic!

To be fair, I would be upset if a friend of mine just dropped me without at least having the decency to explain why.

What are you on about "not facing the consequences"? He can't maintain a friendship with her if he feels the way he does. That would be worse.

It doesn't sound like there's any interest her end, so I think the OP is aware that there's no chance of her ending her current relationship.

He's having the decency to say to her why he can't maintain a friendship and leaving it there. It doesn't have to be a big drama or anything.

These things can be dealt with easily enough.

irishguy1983

[Deleted User] wrote: »

As someone who had a crush/fell for my best friend for 13 years and used the fade-out option once she got engaged, I can recommend you do not do the same as I got it all wrong. Although we had a great friendship, it wasn't good for either of our relationships as I avoided her partner and knew that time spent with mine was far inferior to that with my then gf. It is really hard to walk away from someone that special though, hence the 13 year wait but the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Maybe you're more mature than me and can work through it to hold onto the friendship. If not, i'd advise you sit down and talk somewhere quiet, and def not at work, to explain. Maybe suggest a coffee a month later to give yourself time to think it through. Without contact with her (outside work) you could decide things look differently.

Oh I hear that - I've done the fade out/cutting people off thing many times - I'm definitely not doing that!

I'm confident I'm going to have a quick chat as many have suggested - just need to get myself together for it. Of course I won't do it in work!

looksee

Could you not kind of go halfway and say, look I value your friendship, but I think that going to nightclubs etc feels a bit too much like dating. I know we will see each other at work, and I would be happy to have a cup of coffee and a chat some times, but I think we should just ease off any other contacts. I like you maybe a bit more than just as a friend, and I don't think its fair to either of us to act as though we are dating.

irishguy1983

looksee wrote: »

Could you not kind of go halfway and say, look I value your friendship, but I think that going to nightclubs etc feels a bit too much like dating. I know we will see each other at work, and I would be happy to have a cup of coffee and a chat some times, but I think we should just ease off any other contacts. I like you maybe a bit more than just as a friend, and I don't think its fair to either of us to act as though we are dating.

I hear ya - I am not going to storm in there and say "I have feelings for you and we can't talk EVER again". I will be by in large going with the above

bilbot79

batmanrobin wrote: »

To be fair, I would be upset if a friend of mine just dropped me without at least having the decency to explain why.

What are you on about "not facing the consequences"? He can't maintain a friendship with her if he feels the way he does. That would be worse.

It doesn't sound like there's any interest her end, so I think the OP is aware that there's no chance of her ending her current relationship.

He's having the decency to say to her why he can't maintain a friendship and leaving it there. It doesn't have to be a big drama or anything.

These things can be dealt with easily enough.

If he tells her and it goes belly up the consequences are the awkwardness which will be avoided in this case because he is ending the friendship.

So much attention paid to the value of this friendship. Sounds like a load of tosh to me, there is no friendship here. He has a crush and ending the friendship is like seeing the other person's cards in a poker game. I never said there was anything wrong with that, just that it....is.