I ruined it with her and now I keep making it worse

TheManiac2000

Myself and my girlfriend broke up a few months back, we really liked each other but I ruined it by being a dick. I tried to atone by being nice and trying to earn it back but like the dick I am I ran out of patience albeit out of the intense hurt I felt that I wasnt really getting anywhere. So then i decide to cut all ties to help myself deal with it which resulted in me being even worse of a dick then I ever was before. For about a month or two I could tell that this really hurt and upset her and then she began chasing me. Blinded by my determination to cut her out I persevered. She has found a way of dealing with it and we dont talk even in work we walk past each other in the hall without even looking at each other. Every so often I still see something extremely small from her by the way she looks at me every now and again but i can tell she is locking it down. She definately hates me without a doubt for what ive done to her and has every right to. The initial month or two was the hardest but Ive stopped being a dick to her and we just ignore each other so emotions have calmed down for both of us the last 4 or 5 months. That was until Sunday night when whilst hammered drunk, I bumped into another co-worker out and may have blurted out something which may embarrass her and make me look like a complete dick. This is presuming he goes off and tells someone else in work which I hope doesnt happen but i probably deserve. It was upon remembering this last night that the line must be drawn in my behaviour and genuine atonement must begin but where to start I dont even know where to begin, I dont expect forgiveness nor do I deserve it. I feel rotten inside for doing this to someone especially as the girl is an angel with not a nasty bone in her body. I am a disgrace. Feel free to tell me how much of a dick I am and if someone has advice on how to proceed then feel free to share it as ive literally been having panic attacks all day. Conscience has finally caught up on me

SB_Part2

What are you on about atonement for? Apologise to her if you were being a dick and then leave her alone.

dental28

TheManiac2000 wrote: »

Myself and my girlfriend broke up a few months back, we really liked each other but I ruined it by being a dick. I tried to atone by being nice and trying to earn it back but like the dick I am I ran out of patience albeit out of the intense hurt I felt that I wasnt really getting anywhere. So then i decide to cut all ties to help myself deal with it which resulted in me being even worse of a dick then I ever was before. For about a month or two I could tell that this really hurt and upset her and then she began chasing me. Blinded by my determination to cut her out I persevered. She has found a way of dealing with it and we dont talk even in work we walk past each other in the hall without even looking at each other. Every so often I still see something extremely small from her by the way she looks at me every now and again but i can tell she is locking it down. She definately hates me without a doubt for what ive done to her and has every right to. The initial month or two was the hardest but Ive stopped being a dick to her and we just ignore each other so emotions have calmed down for both of us the last 4 or 5 months. That was until Sunday night when whilst hammered drunk, I bumped into another co-worker out and may have blurted out something which may embarrass her and make me look like a complete dick. This is presuming he goes off and tells someone else in work which I hope doesnt happen but i probably deserve. It was upon remembering this last night that the line must be drawn in my behaviour and genuine atonement must begin but where to start I dont even know where to begin, I dont expect forgiveness nor do I deserve it. I feel rotten inside for doing this to someone especially as the girl is an angel with not a nasty bone in her body. I am a disgrace. Feel free to tell me how much of a dick I am and if someone has advice on how to proceed then feel free to share it as ive literally been having panic attacks all day. Conscience has finally caught up on me

I don't know what you did but at the end of the day I would try and forget about her and maybe stop drinking for a while as it can be a dangerous road to ho down.We all make mistakes but it is what we do with the rest of our lives that will dedine us.
Don't beat yourself up and try and concentrate on the good things you have in your life

Keane2baMused

OP this is not Game of Thrones, no atonement required.

Stop being a d1ck to her and let her get on with her life.

If she hears what you said go and apologise, otherwise leave it be.

TheManiac2000

Indeed apologise and then leave her alone is the best way. I get it, Ive got to live with what ive done for the rest of my life, I dont deserve her forgiveness

SB_Part2

TheManiac2000 wrote: »

Indeed apologise and then leave her alone is the best way. I get it, Ive got to live with what ive done for the rest of my life, I dont deserve her forgiveness

Jesus dude unless you murdered someone I don't think it's as bad as you think it is.

Just forget about it and move on.

Leafchick

I can tell you as a female that I would genuinely appreciate the apology for how you treated me.

TheManiac2000

What im most embarassed about it what I blurted out to a co worker about her the other night. He may or may not tell someone else but thats exactly what im worried about, Im dreading going into work later in the week

LegacyUser

Did you cheat on her? We have no idea if this guilt is out of proportion to what you did or what is going on. There's so many different emotions here in your OP I think you need to take a step back from everything and get some perspective.
It is a good thing you admit your wrongdoing, believe me there are more than enough men going around who are too stubborn and far too proud or narcissistic to ever take responsibility and feel any remorse for the **** they cause.
Can you have a word with the guy you spoke to on the night out? Maybe tell him you were really drunk and said some things about your ex you deeply regret, because it might hurt her if he were to say them to anyone, you don't know why it might hurt her but it's just at this stage you couldnt deal with the possibility of putting her through any more unnecessary ****. He may not even have thought anything of what you said and wouldn't think of repeating any or it but it may put your mind at ease to have a word.

Leafchick

TheManiac2000 wrote: »

What im most embarassed about it what I blurted out to a co worker about her the other night. He may or may not tell someone else but thats exactly what im worried about, Im dreading going into work later in the week

To echo what the last person said I'd speak to that person and tell him you were really out of order

Big Bag of Chips

I'm going to say something you might not like, OP. If you indeed are as big a dick as you say, and if she is indeed an angel as you say, then your co-worker more than likely has the measure of you. If you said something derogatory about her whether, true or not, your co-worker is more than likely just thinking "what a dick". If he says it to anyone else it will probably be framed as "what a dick".

I'm guessing you're young. At least I hope you are. Stop being a dick. But realise that just because you might stop being a dick, it doesn't mean that this girl or anyone else, owes you anything. So getting impatient because it wasn't "getting you anywhere" is a very immature attitude to have. You're either a dick or your not. You can't switch it off and on! So if you decide to stop being a dick it should be because you want to cop on, not because you want to get a 'reward' for it. If you're only doing it for 'reward' then you're not being genuine, and actually still just bring a dick! The girl clearly had you sussed and that's why she didn't fall for it, and why you weren't "getting anywhere", and why you very quickly let the mask slip and reinforced to her that she was right not to let her guard drop too soon with you.

I think you have a lot of growing up to do, and I'd guess people around you think so too. Leave the girl alone. Go back to ignoring each other. She survived before you, she'll survive after you. Just try to be a better person and treat others better. Otherwise you'll get trapped in a never ending cycle.