I have expectations

LegacyUser

I'm 19, male, and for a long time I've felt like I've something to do, that there's more to me than a ordinary life and that probably sounds idiotic, I know.

I've always been distanced from others, I've friends but none are exceptionally close. I'm going to college soon and it's all coming down. Everything I've wanted to do has been postponed with the words 'Ok but after the Leaving Cert' or in exceptional cases 'Ok but after you have a degree under your belt' and that's the problem.
I feel like there's something I should be doing instead of getting a degree, that there's some other endeavour, what it is I don't know, trading stocks, coding a programme, starting a business, launching a fashion line, designing jewellery whatever it is it's keeping me up till 4am.

I'm usually quite good with words but I can't articulate this. I just feel like I'm missing out on the life I should be creating but instead I'm taking the road paved before me, the same road as so many others before me.

The real issue is I don't know what I should be doing, I've got this anxiety to do something different. I get into bed and I can't sleep I get up in the morning, see myself in the mirror and think 'that's not me'. I go out with friends and hold meaningless conversations with pretty girls and think 'if I talked like I think, she'd run, she'd run far away. They're out for a good time not mental rigour'.
I have told a few people, my parents and some girls I was 'involved' with. My parents sent me to a therapist who told me of his brilliant nephew who skipped 2 years of school, got into medicine and is now a highly regarded neurosurgeon 2 years ahead of schedule.
The girls, well at first they found it endearing, that I had goals and ambitions, and so did they.
But their goals were to do well on the next test mine was to work for myself and do something I truely believe in, where sleep is secondary by choice.
By the end my absent nature didn't suit any possible relationship so now I'm seen as that smart guy who is interesting and kind of mysterious but not much good for anything substantial or long term.

I just feel like I need to be somewhere else in 5 years time.
I need to be able to sleep at night or have something worthwhile to fill that gap.
I try to fool myself into thinking college life is for me but the closer it gets the more I worry I will fall into the trap of being truely forgettable.
Typical living is not a failure and I'm not intentionally building myself up waiting for the comment of 'get off your high horse, you've a lot to learn young lad' because the truth is I've always had a lot to learn, I've always had my head in the clouds, and I'm no Bill Gates but I firmly believe I've something more to do that have a happy existence.

Skibunny77

OP, there is no preordained path for any of us, no destiny, no road to success and glory. There are opportunities and choices and consequences of accepting/rejecting each. Your post reflects much of the restlessness of young adulthood, experienced by many. You're caught up in this mystery of what is a fulfilled life, to the point that you're missing out on having any kind of fulfilling day! My advice - learn what happy is on a daily basis. Find fulfillment in each day. Mindfulness would help you stay in the present. After that, you're like the rest of us facing all the struggles and joys of life - you make choices, based on the information you have, and build as happy a life as you can. There is no one path, carve your own, enjoy the journey along the way.

Big Bag of Chips

You can do anything you like. You can be anything you like, but the reality of it is, in most cases, you need an education behind you. You seem to think it's all or nothing. That's it's college or whatever it is you should be doing. It's possible to do both.

It's probably beneficial to do both! People drop out of college, switch course, go back to education in their 30s. You don't even know what it is yet that you want to do. So why not be doing something else until you figure it out? College might open your eyes. Hugely. There are so many courses, so many clubs and organisations you can join to try pique whatever that interest is.

I won't patronise you by saying "just grow up young lad", but I will say you are 19. There is a whole long life ahead of you to find your path. But you have to start somewhere. You might not discover what it is that you actually want to do until you're in your 30s. You can't, or at least you shouldn't, just sit around until then waiting for the inspiration. You are becoming an adult now, and whether you agree with it or not there are some societal 'norms' that adults are expected to adhere to. Getting an education or starting to work and pay your way are basically it.

I hope you do follow your own path, and I hope you do figure out what it is ultimately that will make you happy. But it could take years. For now, do what's going to give you the best chance at discovering what it is. Whatever you do, you're going to need money. And like it or not, your best chance at earning half decent money is college.

silverharp

firstly you are still very young so whatever you do now can be redirected in a few years time. I cant tell from your post but the 2 extremes are that you are a genuine "force of nature" and will succeed at whatever you do or you are a dreamer who has entitlements not expectations?
what is your degree going to be in? regardless you will have plenty of time to cook up something on the side , set yourself some goals while in college in whatever areas might interest you. As of now the worst thing would be to not go to college in the hope you will find inspiration , the average 19 year old doesnt have much in the way of skills , no capital and no credibility to get access to capital

Call me Al

I think it's important to remember that people change careers quite frequently nowadays. You may graduate as one thing but in my experience you may not ultimately find yourself in that field by the time you're 35. And even still you may not have "found yourself fully" so to speak.

I also think its important to remember that you've a long life in front of you, and plenty of time to make mistakes, learn from them, regroup, and move on.
However it's far more difficult to move on without the ability and willingness to focus and learn. Restlessness is good to a certain extent but is counterproductive when it limits your ability to do either of these two things.

Yellow pack crisps

What exactly is stopping you?

LegacyUser

Figure out what it is you want to do, and see if you can do it.
Sounds simple, and it may or may not be. That all depends on what it is you want to do, and how capable you are of achieving it based on your own aptitudes and drives.

What you are saying is definitely not idiotic, but the only way out is to do something else.
I could have written your post at 19;
I could have written your post yesterday (32 now):)

I still haven't figured out what I want to do. I know I'm not doing it, but beyond that, I'm still clueless and stuck. I have commitments now that make it a lot more difficult to just drop everything and chase a dream/idea; but that's really just an easy excuse to avoid taking the plunge into the unknown. I also have no idea what that would actually be for me.

The sooner you try to do what will make you happy, the sooner you will know if you can.

Leafchick

Expectation wrote: »

I feel like there's something I should be doing instead of getting a degree, that there's some other endeavour, what it is I don't know, trading stocks, coding a programme, starting a business, launching a fashion line, designing jewellery whatever it is it's keeping me up till 4am.

You mentioned a variety of things there, can I ask do you have any hobbies or activities that you like that you've actually tried? Do you know what your interests actually are?

Why not commit to trying one new thing every couple of weeks? Take a class, do some activity you've never tried before, go on meetup.com and see what kinds of groups are meeting in your area, there are loads of short free courses online for lots of different things, why not try out a few of them and see if you feel passionately about any of them? Go to career fairs. I'm not sure what career fairs are like but you might meet some interesting people and it might get you thinking more outside the box of what kind of path you'd like to follow in future.