Not sure how to move on

LegacyUser

Long Post Alert!!!

I'm not even sure what I'm doing here or why I'm posting. I don't even know if I want to post. Here goes...

Let's get the background outta the way. Spent nearly tens years in a loveless, argumentative, volatile relationship. To be fair, we tried to make it work, my heart was far less in it than hers. But I did try for the sake of the kids. I'm a fairly emotional person so if something got under my skin, I was fairly vocal about it. But again, for the kids, I mostly settled. I wanted out but was fearful of my visitation situ, so stayed but I was extremely passive aggressive, more subconsciously than consciously I think, but inevitably, about 4 and a half years ago, we finally split.

She moved on with her life fairly easily. Has had a few relationships since. Took the kids with her and we're good now so visitations and overnights are no issue. Kids are fairly happy and getting on pretty well at school, so that's all good.

My story in the intervening period is slightly different.

I was unemployed when we split, and for the best part of the next 4 years. The year after, I decided to go back to college. Got on a great course and loved every minute of it... while it lasted. The week before I started college, my ex had a mini stroke. All over and done with pretty quickly bar some minor after effects but she was very irritable and sleeping like there was no tomorrow. There was only so much looking after the kids her mother could do so after about 5 weeks in college, I deferred to take care of them.

12 months later and all is settled with my ex's health problems. She's mostly back to normal and I've taken up my deferred place at college. 1 month in and I'm hating every minute of the same course I loved so much the year before. I was quite obviously the old man in the group and didn't really fit in so group projects were really tough going and I just knew I couldn't survive it, so I packed it in.

In the next 1 and a half years I had researched and started my own business. I thought things were going well until the court awarded my house back to the bank and had to move out of my house, quit my business as I had no place to make my product and started slumming it in my friends sofa for the next 2+ months. I owe that man my life. Agreed the sale of my business to another company and worked with them for a couple months, stayed in the company house, they even let me bring my kids there, for which I'll forever be grateful.

They pulled out of the company purchase and I moved back home, fully ready to sleep in my car for eternity until my father came to my rescue. So at 35 years of age, I had finally come full circle. Living at home, under daddy's roof.

Since then I've finally found stable fulltime work which I thankfully love and should be in a genuinely good place in my life.

I'm very lonely though. My 4 years on the dole kept me cooped up at home and my previous life of being a social butterfly had just diminished. I'm very good with the people at work, I'm universally liked, so I'm told and am a genuinely likeable person. I am extremely good fun around people I'm comfortable in the company of. This is where my dilemma starts. I don't know how to move on. All I want to do is move on, but I think I'm scared to.

I've sabotaged pretty much all of the contacts I've made on POF and Tinder so that I wouldn't have to go through with meeting them... Caveat, I'm a larger dude and have been bullied about being such for quite a long time so I'm totally not body confident. The 2 dates I did go on had no chemistry and no physical attraction at the meetups.

I'm at a crossroads now. I've resigned myself to the single life for eternity because I'm fully aware that I can never like somebody as a relationship candidate unless I'm already comfortable with them, so that means somebody from work or some other social gathering, but I've got none of those either. I'm not confident enough to go to groups that I might be interested in on my own and not entirely sure what I'd even do at one to make new friends. So its either that or one of my already good friends.

I have 1 friend. Many acquaintances but only 1 friend. He's also a guy and neither of us are gay, so that's that out the window. I'm trapped. I do not know how to move on. I'm desperately lonely and cannot figure this out.

I appreciate this has been long and I thank you most sincerely for keeping up with me. I'm going to Berlin with my friend in a few weeks for the first foreign trip I've had in about 13 years. I am looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measure. I don't even know what that has to do with this but I can't help but link the 2 for some reason. My head is literally a mess. Of course, nobody would think it for a second to look at me.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for here. Some people say that writing stuff down gets it off their chest, I just feel worse as I'm not sure where to go from here. All your advice is appreciated though.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am sorry to hear about your life. It must be terrible for you that your whole life fell apart and that you a lot to deal with all at once. I would advise that you attend counselling. Go and see your GP and tell him or her how you are feeling and then ask for a referral to counselling. It would totally do you the world of good to just get it off your chest by talking to a professional about things. You could also call the Samartians on 116123 any time free of charge if you need someone to talk to.
Best of Luck

zoobizoo

Anon for this one wrote: »

I have 1 friend...... He's also a guy and neither of us are gay, so that's that out the window..

Best line ever on Boards.

Firstly, enjoy your trip. If you haven't been abroad in that many years there'd obviously be some apprehension. Have a beer.. have a wander... you'll have a blast.

Secondly, I think that you need to learn to become comfortable with those who you don't know... You've taken massive steps in your working life. So, think about the smaller steps - how you became friendly with your co-workers etc

The greatest thing I ever did when I worked for myself, and had only a few friends (when I was your age) was to join a club whcih catered for my hobby.

It's possible to do.

If you are stuck, go talk to a decent qualified therapist. You are coming from a place of worry, by the sounds of it.

And order yourself a copy of The Feeling Good Handbook - practical advice in it for you.