Advice on getting a family member help with addiction/intellectual disability

RebekahT

Hi all,

Need a little advice on what to do about a family member who is drinking and causing havoc.

I have been reading forums and the general concensus is that the people with the addiction can see they have a problem, but just can't stop. I, at the moment, cannot get this family member to see they have a problem as they thinks it's completely normal and this is how everyone acts?!.

Over the last number of years, the drinking is getting worse. Although it is mainly done in the house, dependin on how much they have had, they would keep my elderly father awake and in fear. He has called the police many times for her, and she has been take away, just to be let out the next day, comes home, acts like nothing has happened, amd when tackled on it, the answer is 'so' and 'I don't go out, I'm entitled to drink here'. How do u deal with a person so cannot see the errors of their way.

They dont work and have been recently cut of dole, which we were all delighted about as no money to buy the drink. Ot was easier for us to throw the few bob for the smokes as we had control on what we bought. Recently, somehow she has gotten money and since then, (wed gone) it's back to the way it was. Tonight my elderly father rang me (1.20 am) to say the house was smashed up and he call the police who took her away.... I am now at home worrying about him and how I will fix this. Mentally, she is not right, would have a slight intellectual disability, altho this has never been documented, but obvious from being in her company. She is a young lady who lost her way thought the system by being let down by losing jobs (not due to drinking) doing courses and getting no-where with them, amd I do think a feeling of worthlessness but she can't express it, only can thru drink..... I am lost on were to go from here, and my elderly father or me can't put up with much more. I've told my partner everything, he is the only other person who knows the full extent of what is going on, amd how bad it's been. I feel my own health is suffering as I have terrible anxiety, and the only time I got full nights skeep was when she did get cut off, as I knew she couldn't get the demon wine, so all was quiet at home.

My partner is going to talk to her tomorrow, but I know this will end the same way, with her sitting there saying she goes no where and blah blah, but his approach and attitude is to be cruel to be kind. I also, had to take that approach, and told her to get out of th family home, again the reply would be, "I've a right to live here' and so on, when in fact she is extremely lucky to be living there not paying a penny for anything...

So, how do I go about helping this person, sorting help.

Aby advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Taltos

Well for starters she has no right to live there. Your father though has a right to feel safe in his own home.
Personally I'd go pack her stuff and leave it outside the house with the locks changed. Added to that I'd get someone to stay with your dad for a few days to a week as she is going to try to get back in or even break in and someone needs to be there to call the Gardai as soon as it kicks off.

Bluntly. You can't help her. What you've heard is right she needs to want to help herself and clearly she isn't there yet. Finding money... That either paints a loan / stealing / nixer / turning tricks...

Sorry OP but for your dad's sake someone is going to come the heavy and save him from himself and his love for your sister.

intheclouds

Out of the family home. Immediately.

Big Bag of Chips

With the best of intentions you and your dad are enabling her. It's very very difficult to not enable someone you love and feel responsible for. You want to help them. You want to get them sorted out and you want to make sure they are safe. Unfortunately your (you and your dad's) sense of duty to your sister means that you continue to allow her to carry on as she always has done. You're worried about actually making her leave the house because you think she is vulnerable and not fully able to take care of herself. Which may or may not be true. People enable others because they love them. You wouldn't do similar for a work colleague, or a neighbour or an other acquaintance. You'd walk away much sooner.

As you know yourself, you cannot get her help. You can organise all the appointments, counsellors, meetings you like, but if she doesn't see a problem she's not going to go to any appointment. I think for now, because your dad is unlikely to actually put her out of the house, that you and your dad should go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people living with an alcoholic in their lives. At least from there you will get some support, maybe even advice on how best to deal with your sister in the immediate future.

It's not easy. I don't envy you.

topmanamillion

intheclouds wrote: »

Out of the family home. Immediately.

This. 100%.
You've done the talking/understanding bit.
Ridiculous carry on.

Dravokivich

You guys need to put your needs first. You can't let her get in the way of them.

The services in this country are setup in such a way that the person with the problem is the only one who can truly seek help. No concerned friends or family can arrange something for them to be assessed or a care facility for the to be checked into.

This is going to sound harsh, but with her behaviour you are better off discontinuing any association with her. I would not recommend leaving her stuff outside the house. But give her the opportunity to collect it. Don't permit her to stay there.

Wesser

I think you need to be careful
Here. If she has a learning disability she may not understand what she us doing or what she is saying or the consequences of her actions. How severe is her learning disability? She be be quite vulnerable if kicked out of the house!!! I think you need expert opinion here eg psychiatry of learning disability.

Rachiee

It is true that without her wanting help and acknowledging she has a problem there is very little you can do for her.
I would gaurd against the thinking that you are enabling her by not allowing her to hi rock bottom. Thats pop psychology and the reality is if you were to kick her out of the house she'll likely just end up homeless and drink more to cope.

You may need to kick her out anyway for your dads safety but dont do it thinking it will help her with her addiction. The more isolated a person is the more difficult addiction is to deal with.

In terms of getting support for you or your dad al-anon is great because its easily accessible and will help you feel less alone in your struggles. however i also think i would be beneficial to look for professional help and advice such as Craft therapy, or one to one or group work from family support network ireland.

If you check out drugs.ie you can do a family support search based on location best of luck.

happywithlife

Speaking from personal experience here. It is so difficult to see one you love cause so much havoc. My advice for what it's worth would be get to a good Al Anon meeting - you may have to try a few to none that you click with or the first meeting you walk into may be the one. Build up you and your Dad's confidence first to break the enabling cycle - I can guarantee you that is not pop psychology as another poster suggested. It is a very real and painful cycle to break. I would suggest making contact with a rehab centre near you too - many offer family support groups and whilst these are usually for those whose family members have been through the centre and they may explain how it works etc. I remember hearing once drinking (or any other addiction) is a problem once it affects those that drink or those around them. It doesn't matter that the abuser doesn't go out or doesn't drink every day - there are many functioning alcoholics etc out there that only drink problematically at weekends etc. It doesn't matter how much or how often the person involved engages in their addiction what matters is that when they do it becomes a problem

Big Bag of Chips

A close friend was recently in a rehab centre for alcohol addiction and his dad told me that they (the families) has a whole session one day on enabling. He says every single person there said the same thing, that they were stupid for putting up with it all for so long, and for trying to fix it themselves and for trying to help the addict by making life easier for them. The group leader admitted that yes, every single person in the room contributed to the addicts problems, but it wasn't stupidity, it was love. Everything they did, they did because they love the person involved.

It is too easy to say "out of the house". The reality is so much more difficult. It will not just end there, and the family live happily ever after with the addict disappeared from their lives or suddenly seeing the light. Putting her out of the house is going to multiply the problems. It will almost certainly, as Taltos suggested, lead to an escalation in threats or violence against the house, maybe even against your dad.

I think for now you need to get help for yourselves. Once you know more about what you are dealing with you will be better equipped to handle it. And yes, a problem drinker becomes a problem for those around them years before it actually becomes a problem for themselves.