Should we stay friends?

LegacyUser

Before I begin - apologies that this is so long, and if you make it to the end you deserve a medal!

I met a lovely guy about six months ago. We hit it off straight away, got along very well and there was a definite mutual attraction. We chatted for a few weeks before we decided to go on a date, which went really well. We live about 40 minutes apart, and the distance was always a big factor for him, something that bothered him. A couple of weeks later, he ended things between us as he still had feelings for his ex and while he cared about me a lot, he felt it would be really unfair to try a relationship with me when he still had feelings for her. We fell out of contact then for a few weeks.

I starting seeing someone else briefly, and around the same time I started chatting this new guy, the first guy came back into my life. He was going through a rough time, emotionally, and as we'd become very close very quickly he felt like he could come to me for support. We fell back into the close friendship we'd developed, I realised I still had feelings for him, and decided to put a break on our friendship until I'd gotten over those feelings as I felt it was unfair on the guy I was seeing at the time.

We got back in contact again (I can't remember who initiated it) and things were great, I was happy in the new relationship and happy to have my close friend back in my life. The relationship ended up not working out, and he was there for me through that, same as I had been for him before. I don't know how to explain it, but we just kind of clicked when we first met and even now I consider him my best friend (he's said the same to me).

Here we come to the issue (sorry it's such a saga!). We decided to try a relationship a few weeks ago. The attraction was still there, we are extremely close, he invited me to an upcoming event, I was thrilled to be invited and so happy to be with him romantically again. And then just a couple of weeks later, he finished things again, due to the distance. I can understand his reasoning as in his words he wants to see the person he's dating so much he's 'sick of the sight' of them, and we'd only had the chance to meet up a couple of times. I wanted to see him more than the couple of times we had, but I felt like I was being overeager if I asked to see him more often. Maybe I should have.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for advice on here - he's basically said that unless one of us moves, he wouldn't be able to pursue a relationship, and that he only tried in the first place because he liked me so much. We didn't discuss either of us moving, but he did drop into conversation that he thought that either of us having to move at some stage would only lead to resentment. I'm doing my best not to hold out hope for a relationship with him, but it's hard when I know that the breakup wasn't down to him not feeling the same, he even called me wife material. He's at a stage in life where he wants to settle down, and in a roundabout way admitted that he wanted that kind of life with me. I feel silly admitting it, but I really saw a future with him, and I thought (think?) that he felt the same. I was pretty blindsided by the breakup, and he even admitted during it that he hadn't planned on doing it but didn't want to lead me on.

We've decided to stay friends, as the thought of cutting him out of my life completely was incredibly upsetting - like I said, he's my best friend, and the only person that can get me to open up. But am I being foolish in staying friends with him?

LegacyUser

He sounds like a messer and it won't do you any good to stay friends with him. You are only 40 minutes sorry ffs. It's not Outer Mongolia!!! It's an excuse as he clearly has met someone else and was keeping you on the shelf for entertainment. Words are cheap op. Look at his actions!

For your own sake cut all contact. He's no good for you

Tigger99

Ye live 40 minutes apart and he's creating all the above drama over it? Jesus that's not long distance. Do you not think you deserve a helleva lot more than someone who's so fickle and wishy washy?

He has some cheek, saying you are wife material but 40 mins is too much.

Do you not see how much of a head fcuk this guy is? And no I wouldn't keep in touch as a friend. It'll stop you from getting over him and moving on.

Tigger99

And as for being an eager beaver suggesting that ye had met more, why wasn't he suggesting meeting up more? sounds like he wasn't putting the effort in even then. His words didn't match his actions. Relationships should not be that hard, trust me. The right guy will not act like above and will leave you in no doubt that he wants to see you.

njs030

40 mins is not a long distance relationship op, forget his words and look at his actions- he's messing you around.

If he wanted a relationship with you he'd move mountains to make sure it happened, forget about being friends- a friend wouldn't repeatedly knock you like this.

batmanrobin

Pretty much everything Tigger99 said. He's making it out like you live in different countries! Jaysus!

OP, 40 mins isn't that far. Some people commute more for work every single day.

Look at his actions, not his words. Plus, anything that starts with this much drama never goes well. I'd say leave him in the past and forget about him.

Skibunny77

Op, many people who live in the same city still have a 40 min commute from each other! It's not even remotely a deal breaker. I feel for you here as this guy has been giving you mixed messages - ultimately he is unwilling to commit in a meaningful way, despite multiple chances to do so. For your own sake, move on with your life without him in it, I'd worry this guy will bounce back like a rubber ball. Be kind to yourself.

LegacyUser

Guys, I just want to thank you so much for your replies. It helps so much to see things from an outside perspective, you've really helped me to realise that I was getting so many mixed messages from him - he liked me, but couldn't put in the effort to try to make things work. This was a point I raised during the breakup, but all I got in response was that he couldn't, he'd tried but wasn't able to.

It just helps to realise that saying that to him was justified, that I wasn't being unreasonable in thinking we could make it work. As far as friendship goes, I'm still on the fence but willing to try to make that work for now.

Skibunny77 - your words especially hit home, and I want to thank you for those four little words, "be kind to yourself". That was something I needed to hear.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, it means so much to me.

fallen01angel

Hi Op,as previous posters have said, 40 mins is absolutely nothing in relation of distance. In a nutshell, if he felt the same as you he'd make the effort,he hasn't, that tells you exactly when you come in his list of priorities, end of story.You should never have to work this hard at a relationship. Take some time,dust yourself down and concentrate on you for a while.

batmanrobin

Skibunny77 wrote: »

I'd worry this guy will bounce back like a rubber ball.

Yeah, if you haven't done so already, OP, you might want to block his number - especially if you don't feel like you could ignore him. Guys like this do have a tendency to pop back up. You don't need your head being melted all over again.

Keane2baMused

OP good friends of mine have nearly double that in a commute to work.

That's a bullsh** excuse. He is either extremely lazy and will never put in an effort, which means you would be better without him. Or he's just not that into you like he maintains.

Either way I would move on. Keep him as a friend if you enjoy the friendship but you deserve better romantically.

KikiDee

Oh OP cut contact. As Tigger said, this guy is an out and out head f*ck. Don't let this guy have the space in your head or heart. 40 mins is nothing, especially if the feelings are strong on both sides.

SarahMollie

OP, this guy literally sounds like the worst!!

Its one thing when a guy who is a dick, behaves like a dick. So far, so simple, you know how to react.

But when a guy who is a dick, somehow manages to convince you that not only is he a "good guy" but actually your best friend....?!? Thats just beyond.

There are plenty of reasons for it, for example some people hate being cast as the bad guy, but regardless, he's completely messing you around and doesn't like you enough. There is no possible way on earth that this guy is your best friend/thinks you're his. Remember - talk is cheap.

Value yourself and your affections and attention more than this and cut your losses.

m-a-i-

I could have written this not too long ago OP. I was told I was the one and was willing to make the distance work ( bout 3 hours from each other) several days later... ghosted... he had ghosted me before and like yourself I felt for him ( that is not a fault or a flaw for you OP, shows you are a genuine and caring person) the last ghosting really knocked me but I had to take a step back and see it as if it was happening to a friend.. what would you tell your friend OP if they were in this position. It's not fair on you or your emotions. He can't be messing you about like that no matter what is going on. You deserve better than that x

timmy880

40 minutes isn't a tough commute at all...... Leave work at half 5 and he could be there just after 6 to meet you for a date or whatever. Sounds like he is a messer who just gets too needy when you're not around but as soon as he has you he says no thanks.

There's no point remaining "friends" with somebody like this. Imagine if you were with somebody who wanted to remain friends with somebody they had tried a relationship with twice and seem to have romantic feelings for each other whenever they speak! That would not be cool.

Let this guy off and let him wreck other people's heads doesn't have a clue what he wants but using a 40 minute distance excuse is beyond pathetic! It's less than a half of football!!! Cups of tea last longer.