Difficult parents, difficult childhood and now it seems to affect me more than ever

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance but this is going to be pretty long. So I'm a girl of 28, full time job and to the outside I would seem to have a lovely life, which I do in many respects.
The problem is and always has been my parents, both their relationship and my mother in particular with her difficult personality.
As I was growing up, my parents were constantly fighting, not disagreements that all parents have but genuinely being quite nasty to each other. My mam used to threaten that one day we would get up and she would be gone but it never happened. Coupled with this my mother in particular has never seemed to like me and often used to do what I called her critical view, where every bit of me from my appearance to my personality to having no friends (none of which were true). She would fly off the handle at the smallest of things and for no reason wouldn't talk to myself or my brother for days on end. My dad while not as bad is extremely grumpy and critical of everybody and everything and I would see him as quite a negative person. My Mam had a stroke when I was in college as apparently I had caused it the weekend before by stressing her out. We were getting work done at home and that weekend I made every effort to help out but nothing was good enough for her and it ended in a row. I went to my part time job, back to college and the Monday night. Got the call to say she was in hospital. I came home from college to see her and when she came out she said if she ever ended up in hospital again that she would have security there to take myself and my brother out.
A neighbour attempted to sexually abuse me on a number of occasions when I was 9 or 10 and even though they knew what he was like with having a very bad drink problem I was still left in a position where this could happen. They are just some of the many issues I have had with them and with how I was treated as a child. Basically, they are fine when everything is going their way and when everybody does what my Mam says but she turns in the flick of an eye and doesn't care who she hurts by doing so, often almost in tears saying I upset her so much.
Over the years this hasn't changed much, so I really limit my time at home. I am renting a house in the area I work in and am happy to be there for the foreseeable. My issue is that over the past year or so I am on a roller coaster of emotions regarding my parents and relationship with them. When I see other families together who look so happy I get upset that I never had that. It just seems in be past few years that this has affected my life so much. I went through major self esteem issues in my past, have difficulty opening up to people. One or two friends would know about this but since they never ask about it, I feel like I'm only bothering them if I tell them.
The last straw which compelled me to write this post was something that happened in the last week. My brothers fiancé invited us to see the hotel and the church for their wedding. Just as we drove out the gate my parents were immediately rowing with each other and were like that for the full two hour journey. My mother flies off the handle so easily and when she is like this she is irrational and there is no talking to her. She put on her personality for the time while we were with my brother and his fiancé and then the minute we left it was back to the moody, confrontational person. This day really upset me and stressed me out. I was left in a mixture of anger and the realisation that I never have had a "normal" family life and that being with my parents just drains me and leaves me angry and upset about the childhood or adulthood I never had. How do I deal with this feeling of dread everytime I see my parents? I don't want it to be like this and I definitely don't want to be stressed and upset after each meeting but they are so difficult to be around I can't help feeling this way.

intheclouds

You know you don't have to be around them? You could simply choose not to.

Fakediamond

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear how fragile you are feeling at the moment. I titled my post narcissistic mothers because (sadly) this might be what you are dealing with. Your mothers selfish, toxic behaviour is not healthy to be around. However, life events happen, such as weddings etc., so it's not always posssilbe to avoid family, unless you go for total isolation, which hurts you too, e.g. missing your brothers wedding.

I would suggest that you research narcissistic mothers and see if any of the descriptions resonate with you. After doing that, consider getting yourself a good therapist who can help you to build resilience and assist you in understanding your family dynamic. Your father may be a negative person, or have become embittered from living with this vicious partner all these years. I don't know, you may have better insight into that!

In the meantime, limit your contact, as you seem to be doing already and be kind to yourself. If you didn't get the nurturing you needed growing up, give it to yourself now.

Yellow pack crisps

You have to take control of your situation and do things on your terms. A big positive here is that you seem
Nothing like them and you have normal emotions and feelings plus empathy.


My childhood would have been similar to yours actually quite identical in many ways but I left very early and avoided any feelings about them as I was outside the country for many years but when I returned it hit me how horrible they were to me and my siblings in general. I too like you would have felt very confused and conflicted When I was in the company of 'normal families' even these families hugging each other and being close was very unreal for me and made me feel very damaged and isolated from my family.

I don't really understand what changed in me from being very angry after leaving my parents after a visit to just feeling very sad for them. Maybe it was an acceptance of who they were and they won't change but I am not like them and I don't have to lead my life being disturbed by their ways and affected by them. Awful to say this but it's how I feel I tolerate them but I don't love them. The bond that exists between child and parent was never there to begin with so by now I just have to accept that and make my own happiness and look after my own needs and the biggest one is that I choose now when I see them and how they affect me.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks for the replies. I looked up the narcissistic mothers and while my Mam does fit some of the traits, I feel she has a mental illness, bi-polar or depression I'm not sure which.
She is highly strung and I would see her as a ticking time bomb, it's like she is waiting for the next thing to annoy her so she can lose it with everyone around her. Even the most simplest of things make her lose her temper, like my Dad asked me to bring them both to a family event and it involved an overnight stay. While walking around the car she bumped into my Fathers suitcase and lost the plot with him and was in really bad form for the next 20 minutes.

Our home house isn't in the slightest bit near and tidy and sometimes when I'm home I try to clean up a bit because truth be told I'm embarrassed if people call. When she would come back to see the kitchen clean she wouldn't be thankful, all the time going on about how stuff will be missing now and she can't find anything. At the same time she is an absolute perfectionist and makes a fuss over things having to be 100% and during my childhood if I didn't do something 100% she would make me start again. It's all just a bit of a contradiction, not able to keep ones house clean but yet getting worried over the most minute details over something not being done right. She even got really angry and started shouting and screaming at my uncle who lives with us temporarily. He asked a simple question and she just attacked him roaring and shouting and saying how when her, my aunt and him were shopping for furniture" everything she said was gospel and you looked at me like dirt". I don't know where she got that out of as both women were trying to help him but it's like everything is taken so personal about her.
I guess after 28 years of this I feel so drained. Family events stress me out, not because I don't want to go or I'm not close to extended family but because she is such an angel in front of them all they would never believe any of the negative things about her.
I don't know would a professional be able to see is there a mental issue at play here from me describing her but I guess if there was it might make it easier for me to understand her, as stupid as that may sound. I just feel if I'm like this now, what will I feel like in a few years?!
I might look into counselling myself, are they used to dealing with this kind of stuff ? I don't want to seem like I'm the only one in the world with problems and maybe some people who have this issue deal with it better than I can. I just feel like I'm not dealing with it at all.

Fakediamond

I'd say you would benefit from getting yourself some counselling. Sounds like your parents are grating on your last nerve and it's stressing you out. Having a trained counsellor to confide in would relieve that tension and probably assist you in understanding and dealing with them.

It's not at all selfish to feel overwhelmed, you've put up with this for 28 years, it must be very draining. You might never be able to change them, but you can certainly work towards feeling better yourself and learning how to cope with it all.

rondog

They left you in a position that you could be abused???

Holy sh1t!

Rid these people from your life ASAP.

Keane2baMused

OP have you considered getting counselling with the RCC or one in four? I know you say these were attempts however it has obviously had a real effect on you. Also is it possible this person may have abused other children?

I understand you having a difficult relationship with your family. My own was very similar. I'm not much older than you, however I have learned to take a huge step back. Realising they are adults and responsible for their own behaviour and actions is a big release.

zoobizoo

If they weren't your parents, are they people you would have anything to do with?

Why have anything to do with them?

leggo

If you're looking for a diagnosis or to try and understand why your mother is this way, look up 'borderline personality disorder'. It's tough to tell from the info you've given if she has it, because you really need to know their background, but if she does it might help you understand why she's this was and take the personal sting out of it. You'll likely never be able to convince her she has it or change her, but you can understand that and move forward with your own life, preferably without the day to day stresses of these unpleasant people. I'm sorry you had it rough OP, everyone deserves to be raised by loving parents. But try your best to eventually move passed the past and don't let it spoil a future that has endless possibilities. Maybe you can be a parent one day and give your children everything you missed out on and that could go some way to righting this wrong in your head.

Annasopra

OP yes counselling would be a great idea for you. It's very difficult being constantly criticised when you are younger that you can often internalise this self critic yourself.

You may be able to assist your mother in getting a diagnosis or help but you may also have to accept that it may not be possible. There is no harm in trying but really your Mother has to want to help herself first.

I know where you are coming from. My own mother had manic depression and alcoholism. My Dad had his own issues.

LegacyUser

OP-I'm terribly sorry to hear about your situation but I can say it's one I truly empathise with. I grew up with a very controlling, emotionally abusive, constantly angry mother like this. What you have written resonates with me totally-the flying off the handle for no apparent reason, the constant personal attacks, insults and criticism all aimed at me, her eldest in particular. were all something I was very familiar with. The tension growing up in the house was truly awful. In fact, I can never remember a time when she wasn't complaining or angrily ranting about something or other. The only exception to your story was that my Dad was a lovely man, which made the decision not to go home much (something I resolved to do after I left for university and afterwards) very difficult. On the occasions when I did-after a 4-hour journey- I was immediately greeted with some criticism or put-down about my appearance, hair or clothes. I absolutely HATED going home, so did my siblings. A relative commented to my mother once that we didn't come home very often and I suspect she knew the reason behind it all.

I would urge you to get some counselling because despite all my best efforts all this had a detrimental effect on my self-esteem and confidence for years, without me being aware of the reason for it at the time. For years I had an inferiority complex, never felt I was good enough-the usual. All this despite the fact I very bright in school/uni and actually considered very attractive, with an excellent figure!! (When I was a size 8, my mother told me my legs looked fat in something I was wearing!) I guess it's easier to believe all the negative crap drilled into you from an early age!! So please be aware of this.

Of course all this had an adverse impact on my relationships in general and with guys, in particular. I remember once being asked out by an absolutely stunning but lovely guy (he'd chosen me from a large selection of girls who were after him!) and although he was serious about me, we were quite compatible and we dated for quite a while, I've no doubt my poor self-esteem and insecurities were the main reason the relationship failed. I simply couldn't quite see what this guy saw in me!! He'd told his friends he'd met this 'really beautiful' girl but despite all his assurances (and those of my friends) I never truly believed I was good enough for him, or he truly loved me, so in essence ended up pushing him away. Some years later when I had much more confidence in myself and my achievements , I could see it all so clearly.

I would also urge you to look after YOU and distance yourself from this toxic environment. I believe parents (like all others) should earn our respect and love. Distancing was what helped me as in the end I just didn't see why I should have to tolerate all of this any longer. Also surrounding myself with positive, happy people helped to grow and redress the balance.

I would imagine your mother would have difficulty accepting any medical diagnosis as people like this have difficulty accepting responsibility for their own behaviour, preferring instead to 'blame' everyone else for all their woes.