Mother has a drinking problem

LegacyUser

Throughout my life, as far back as I can remember, my mother has always had a drink before bedtime. It was never a problem, just a nightcap and that'd be it. About ten years ago, my parents' marriage fell apart and my Dad left. In the following years, my two siblings moved out and it was just me and my Mam.

She started to take her night-cap earlier and earlier. It went from nine o'clock to eight, seven, six and for the past couple of years even earlier. Of course, at this stage it was no longer just a drink, it was a couple of bottles of wine.

I became fed up with this as chatting to her in the evenings became impossible. I would retire to my room and she would sit in the living room drinking and watching TV. Our relationship was getting distant and I was almost at the stage where I had enough for a deposit to buy my own house. Then it hit me that things would never change and could get even worse if I weren't there. I was imagining awful scenarios and future regrets so I bit the bullet and had the awkward conversation.

As soon as I said, 'we need to talk about your drinking', she replied, 'I know, I'll stop.' She admitted it had gotten out of hand and promised me she would stop. I had been building up to the conversation for days, not knowing how she'd react, so I was taken aback by how upfront and positive (and quick) the conversation was.

So the following evening, she was extremely tense. She was sitting rigidly in front of the TV, so I just left her be. There was a box of wine in the fridge (four bottles in a box) that was full. About four days later, I lifted the box to see if she had remained true to her word, but it was empty. Before I even had the chance to confront her about it, she informed me she was back to having her night-cap and that she had taken control again and it wouldn't spiral again.

This was rubbish. Within about six weeks, things were back to the way they were before I confronted her. Fast forward about a year and I've moved into my house and my brother has moved back home having worked abroad for a year. He's been living there since Christmas.

A couple of weeks ago, both he and my sister arrived at my house on a Saturday evening at about 6pm. They said 'we need to talk about Mam', and I knew immediately what was about to go down. She had gone to bed drunk earlier that day.

All three of us sat her down the following morning. The conversation was very similar to when I initially confronted her, except this time we insisted that she talk to us about it. It felt like a proper intervention. She admitted that she had become a functional alcoholic and promised us it would stop. She expressed shame at the whole idea of us having to confront her like this. We were fairly insistent that she go to AA or see a therapist but she was adamant that she needed to do it on her own first and that we needed to 'trust' her. So that was that.

I had lunch with her last week and asked her how she was getting on with not drinking and she shut the conversation down immediately. What had up to then been a pleasant lunch with plenty of chat quickly turned tense and sour. This raised alarm bells for me, so while she was at work, I nipped home and searched high and low for booze but found none.

Fast forward to this evening and I called to the house. When my mother went to the bathroom, I asked my brother how things were going and he shook his head. I left the house and he phoned me later when she was out of earshot. She has been back to having her 'nightcap' for over a week now. I was stunned. He said the atmosphere in the house was oppressively tense until he looked into the living room one evening and she was having a glass of wine. She matter-of-factly explained to him that she was in a rut, that it was a bad habit and that she could control it.

It turned into a row between the two, with her having an answer for everything. She was able to justify every point he raised - her health, her happiness, everything. She then twisted things around and blamed him for the tense atmosphere in the house, saying that she couldn't stand the way he was looking at her disapprovingly and making him feel guilty for intruding on her. She basically emotionally manipulated him. She also told him that both I and my sister were aware of all of this. (I of course was not.)

However, she managed to emotionally manipulate my sister. When I rang her this evening to figure out what to do next, she thinks that things will be fine, that as long as Mam feels she can control it, then we should leave her be.

My brother and I don't agree with my sister but we're at a loss as to where to go from here. There's no point in the three of us confronting her again as my sister has firmly made up her mind that we shouldn't do that. (I feel so angry and let down by my sister.) If my brother and I sit Mam down again, I fear it will turn into a blazing row where she has an answer for everything we throw at her and we will end up falling out with her.

What do we do?

Any and all advice would be so, so gratefully appreciated.

intheclouds

Hi.
You are describing a classic situation.

First of all, there is nothing you can do to stop your mother drinking. You didnt cause it, you cant control it, you cant cure it. Only your mother can. You cant bribe, cajole, threaten or sweet talk an alcoholic into getting better, they can only do it for themselves.

Your brother (and you) are thinking that unless someone lives with her and monitors it she will get worse, she will fall, hurt herself, get sick, doe etc... I know, I went through it all myself.

The ONLY thing you can do right now that will make a positive difference is to go to Alanon. There will you learn the tools to cope with your mothers drinking. Your changed attitude may also change her habits. Or it may not - but you will learn to accept that if that is the case.

Read this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

It gives a good insight into the dynamics at play within the family.

Its easy to be angry and blame your mother for being weak etc... I used to hate my father for being such a selfish ****er. But then I tried to think of it that if he had cancer and was shouting abuse at me because it was affecting his brain I wouldnt hate him for that. The drink is controlling your mothers personality. Its insidious. It destroys all her good intentions. I have no doubt she doesnt want to be an alcoholic - who would right? So just try to bear in mind that she is suffering from an illness/addiction - whatever you want to call it - and she isnt deliberately trying to annoy you.

Some alcoholics recover, some dont. But either way Alanon will help you and will help you heal from the effects that her behaviour will have had on you.

Best of luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for that. The three act play analogy is so insightful. I fear we are in the third act and are already back on the merry-go-round.

The problem with Al-anon is that there is no way in hell that she will go. She is in complete denial and the social shame of possibly recognising someone there is what, above all else, is stopping her. But even when we suggested going out of town, she was having none of it.

It says at the start of that article that you cannot cajole or bribe or manipulate someone into giving up their addiction. I'm just wondering though...If I sever my relationship with her (which would be extremely painful for both her and me), do you think that would jolt her into taking this more seriously and agreeing to seek help? As in, if I were to give her an ultimatum - until you get help, we're done kind of thing...? Or is that just adding fuel to the fire?

intheclouds

The Alanon suggestion is for YOU. And your brother and sister and anyone else who is affected. Alanon is support for people affected by other peoples drinking.

AA would be for her. But she has to make that choice.

The ultimatum - its up to you. Bitter experience has taught me that it is better to detach with love and not be disappointed if the person still chooses the drink over the relationship.

Just to go back to the illness analogy, wouldnt it be easier to get better if people were supporting you and not just pushing you aside until you were better?

But there are "healthy" ways to support an alcoholic. Ways that dont involve enabling them. And ways that dont distress you either.

I used to cause terrible problems with my alcoholic father. Id go home, he would be drunk again, I would get angry, a row would ensure, lots of shouting and anger and he would end up drinking more and Id end up with my blood pressure higher and upset and stressed!! I had to learn to address MY behaviour to stop making things worse.

I ended up going to Alanon because I became so mentally and physically sick trying to help (while making things worse) that I really felt the only answer was for one of us to die. Either me, so I wouldnt be suffering anymore, or him so he wouldnt cause me suffering anymore. I used to dream of ways of poisoning the vodka that would make it look like he just drank himself to death. I realised one day that it was ME who needed the help!! He was merrily drinking, I was destroying my own health worrying!!

My alcoholic never stopped. But I recovered - while he was still alive and drinking.

LegacyUser

intheclouds, I really can't thank you enough. I feel so much more grounded having read your advice. What has really jumped out from what you've said is that I need to bear in mind that she is suffering from an illness and that the illness is controlling her actions and choices. It's calmed me considerably realising that none of this is deliberate.

You're totally right about the illness analogy and it being better for her to have love and support rather than anger and ultimatums. I'm going to give it another day or so, just to get my head around everything before I call home. The ultimatum idea is also out the window. I'm also going to discuss everything you've said and going to Al-anon with my brother.

I'm so sorry to hear about your own struggle with your Dad. It seems you really hit a depth that I can't even begin to fathom at this stage. It's comforting to know however that you made it through and psychologically managed to deal with it all, even if he didn't. Thank you so much.

daisybelle2008

Befuddled_31 wrote: »

Thank you so much for that. The three act play analogy is so insightful. I fear we are in the third act and are already back on the merry-go-round.

The problem with Al-anon is that there is no way in hell that she will go. She is in complete denial and the social shame of possibly recognising someone there is what, above all else, is stopping her. But even when we suggested going out of town, she was having none of it.

It says at the start of that article that you cannot cajole or bribe or manipulate someone into giving up their addiction. I'm just wondering though...If I sever my relationship with her (which would be extremely painful for both her and me), do you think that would jolt her into taking this more seriously and agreeing to seek help? As in, if I were to give her an ultimatum - until you get help, we're done kind of thing...? Or is that just adding fuel to the fire?

As the other poster confirmed Al-Anon is for you/siblings. Don't make any decisions about ultimatums until you have been to Al-Anon. As the other poster said it is about learning coping strategies without enabling or adding fuel to the fire.
If you are using the ultimatum as a 'jolt' to make her see sense then it is a form of what they describe as cajole or bribe or manipulate.
The other poster has given excellent advise.

LegacyUser

An aside but relevant to discussion, is Alanon of any use if the alcoholic is no longer in your life or only of use of living with an alcoholic?

LegacyUser

Yes it does help if you are no longer living with addiction. The effects of someone else drinking last even if they are not living with or have indeed found recovery. I am in alanon from living with my dad's drinking and my brother. After I moved out of home. It is worth going to see if it's for you. I can't say enough how it has helped me grow and yes recover from the stress and metal effects of this awful illness.

intheclouds

Notusing wrote: »

An aside but relevant to discussion, is Alanon of any use if the alcoholic is no longer in your life or only of use of living with an alcoholic?

It's of use no matter when you knew the alcoholic.

Some people only show the effects years later. An example from my own life is that of conflict resolution, my fathers idea of conflict resolution was the silent treatment and a terrible atmosphere until my mother begged him to stop. I've terrible trouble not just shutting people out rather than dealing with conflict. Learned behaviours, very hard to change and feel comfortable with. I continue to work on it.

So yes, Alanon is there for anyone affected by anyone else's drinking, no matter what the nature or timing of that relationship.

It just helps you deal with it.

Totalelf

You can contact the Family Support Network on Phone: (01) 8980148
http://www.fsn.ie

They offer very good support for families dealing with addiction and it is important to seek help & support for yourself. Unfortunately until your Mum looks for help, there is not much you can do.