Need help

Needsadvice111

I got really drunk with a friend the other night (he is in a relationship with a girl - has some bi leanings) and we had a bit of a fumble. No sex but some kissing.

Im in a relationship for 11 years with a man I love and I dont know what to do with myself now. I don't know if it will do us both more damage than good if I came clean. I have never as much as kissed another man since we have been together. I know being drunk is not an excuse but I wouldn't have entertained the idea if i had been sober.

The depression I experienced for years has come back in full effect through the guilt. I dont know how to get past this. I think that if it hd been more intense then I would come clean right away but I just don't know if it is worth the amount of pain and trouble I will cause everyone else involved if I were to confess.

Please, any advice is welcome. I never thought in a million years I would ever do something like this so I dont know what to do and I'm feeling pretty desperate.

Ten of Swords

You are in a long term, and presumably stable, relationship for the last 11 years so you know your partner as well as you ever will at this stage. Do you think he would consider it cheating or a drunken mistake? You are most definitely out of the honeymoon phase, and therefore should be well past the insecurity phase too, of your relationship so would your partner write it off as something stupid that you did or would there be some underlying bitterness and score keeping?

You may cause some pain if you confess but if you are experiencing depression by not dealing with the issue then that is a problem you need to address quickly.

You know best how he will likely react if you tell him but or not but either way you need to move on from this and not let it upset you. At the end of the day you love your boyfriend and you go home to him every night, what does it matter if you got drunk and kissed your friend by mistake? It wasn't planned and there was no intent to deceive.

Needsadvice111

I just dont know what to do. I fear if I tell him he might be so angry that we break up - my head is too messed up to figure out how it would go. I dont want to lose him, we have built a life for ourselves and been through so much together.

But at the same time, i dont know if I can ever forgive myself. This is the worst I have felt since my.depression was in full swing. Im going to give myself a couple of days to think but I dont know what I will do. I love him and would be adrift without it. Does it make me evil to not tell him so that we can live the rest of our lives together and not have it all ruined by something I stupidly did when I was drunk out of my mind?

Ten of Swords

Would you end the relationship if roles were reversed and he told you he had done something stupid? Is he typically level headed or reactive when dealing with unexpected news?

Take whatever time you need to figure out your next move op but don't let your mental health suffer.

Needsadvice111

He would be reactive, emotional. If he said the same thing had happened to me I would talk through it with him - that's 100 % honesty. I dont know what I am going to do. I have not felt this bad in a long time..

StyleKillah

I think if it's an 11 year relationship I'd hope you would have enough respect to tell him but ultimately it depends on what character he is.

If it was me, I'd want to know. I probably would brush it off even but if there's a cover up and through a series of unfortunate events it gets out, that will be 100 times worse.

Needsadvice111

I just dont know. I never thought in a million years I would end up in this situation. The thought of not seeing him every day is killing me. And I know most people reading this will say thats a load of rubbish but I've ****ed up: I just dont want this to be the end of us. Over something so silly and meaningless.

Mr.Frame

Say NOTHING. Put it down to drunken silliness and put it in the past.

wakka12

You obviously love him so please don't tell him. You know you love him, he loves you. You recognise it was a mistake, don't potentially sacrifice this long loving relationship over a kiss with a guy. Spare the pain for both of you, you'll be so much happier because of it.

Ten of Swords

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

Does it make me evil to not tell him so that we can live the rest of our lives together and not have it all ruined by something I stupidly did when I was drunk out of my mind?

No, it doesn't.

Your boyfriend might notice something is up though if your mood is continually low, you need to make your peace with this and move on as soon as possible. Have you spoken to your friend since?

Nebit

StyleKillah wrote: »

I think if it's an 11 year relationship I'd hope you would have enough respect to tell him but ultimately it depends on what character he is.

If it was me, I'd want to know. I probably would brush it off even but if there's a cover up and through a series of unfortunate events it gets out, that will be 100 times worse.

Id generally agree with this view.

If it were my partner and they had kissed another person in a drunken folly, I'd likely be upset and frankly pissy to start, but mature enough to appreciate that they told me and that it was a mistake. I would get over it quickly.

If they had hid it on the other hand, and I found out, I'd feel betrayed and fooled, it would be 100 times worse, I would start to question trust and when that happens you are in the real trouble.

My advise, tell them. Your relationship will last as it has for 11 years.

LegacyUser

Im so confused. I literally like I've just ****ed my entire life up and I have no idea what the best course of action is. I doubt its anything that he would find out about but which is more selfish? Thats my main issue. As I am the last person in this gambit that should take priority. It's all abut how much hurt the resolution causes others. I couldnt care less what happens me after this but trying to decide which hurts him less is the hardest decision I have ever had to make.

StyleKillah

Nebit wrote: »

Id generally agree with this view.

If it were my partner and they had kissed another person in a drunken folly, I'd likely be upset and frankly pissy to start, but mature enough to appreciate that they told me and that it was a mistake. I would get over it quickly.

If they had hid it on the other hand, and I found out, I'd feel betrayed and fooled, it would be 100 times worse, I would start to question trust and when that happens you are in the real trouble.

My advise, tell them. Your relationship will last as it has for 11 years.

Yeah and not even that. Like it's just a kiss. I get it. If he's hot and your drunk, it can happen. If I had to find out through someone else and literally be humiliated, I actually don't know what I'd do. You really just break the trust and respect you had for that person. You would feel like such a fool.

But then again the majority here is saying not to tell him which at the same time I can understand. It really depends on the partners maturity and rationality.

Needsadvice111

I've no idea what to do.

I can imagine him flying off the handle and throwing me out of the house. Telling everyone what happened, ending our life together and my life where we live because our group is all tied together. But thats not the point here - I know that. Please don't think anything here is being said for selfish reasons. He is the priority, minimising the pain I cause him is the main focus.

I can imagine him being pissed off and angry but letting me explain how little it meant and how sorry I am (I didnt eat for 3 days, thought I was going to end up in the hospital) - and I am sorry, ****, no amount of words can explain how sorry I am. He may still throw me out of the house. It would all depend on his mood at the time, how rash he acts.

I've no idea. I actually feel like a piece of trash.

Mr.Frame

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

I've no idea what to do.

I can imagine him flying off the handle and throwing me out of the house. Telling everyone what happened, ending our life together and my life where we live because our group is all tied together. But thats not the point here - I know that. Please don't think anything here is being said for selfish reasons. He is the priority, minimising the pain I cause him is the main focus.

I can imagine him being pissed off and angry but letting me explain how little it meant and how sorry I am (I didnt eat for 3 days, thought I was going to end up in the hospital) - and I am sorry, ****, no amount of words can explain how sorry I am. He may still throw me out of the house. It would all depend on his mood at the time, how rash he acts.

I've no idea. I actually feel like a piece of trash.

Youre going through hell. If you told him and all of the above happened, I presume you would feel worse.
Which do you want to do ? Tell him and all hell breaks loose and you feel even worse or ride this moment out and forget about it ?

Needsadvice111

Mr.Frame wrote: »

Youre going through hell. If you told him and all of the above happened, I presume you would feel worse.
Which do you want to do ? Tell him and all hell breaks loose and you feel even worse or ride this moment out and forget about it ?

I just don't know. I just dont want to cause him pain. I ****ed up so whatever happens to me, it's well deserved. Hurting other is a competely different matter.

Needsadvice111

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

I just don't know. I just dont want to cause him pain. I ****ed up so whatever happens to me, it's well deserved. Hurting other is a competely different matter.

Is it possible to ride this out? I know that there was no sex involved - once again i am NOT belittling what I've done - and I am pretty certain it will never be spoke of again but morally does that make me a corrupt pieceof **** if I decide to try (?!) And forget what I've done.

Angel2016

Mr.Frame wrote: »

Say NOTHING. Put it down to drunken silliness and put it in the past.

Yes agree on this one it was a kiss nothing more but if you should question if you really do love your partner of 11 years because you have done this it could have just been a weak moment but I know if my husband told me that he has even kissed another girl I would be devastated and probably tell him to take a hike so if you know that it was nothing more than a drunken kiss stay quiet.

Mr.Frame

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

I just don't know. I just dont want to cause him pain. I ****ed up so whatever happens to me, it's well deserved. Hurting other is a competely different matter.

You just said it yourself , " I just dont want to cause him pain."

So say nothing , put it down to a stupid mistake that you made and move on, you have to , otherwise it will drag you down and (you think ) it will end your relationship.

Needsadvice111

Mr.Frame wrote: »

You just said it yourself , " I just dont want to cause him pain."

So say nothing , put it down to a stupid mistake that you made and move on, you have to , otherwise it will drag you down and (you think ) it will end your relationship.

It meant absolutely zero. The man is a friend. We got blind drunk and acted like ****ing idiots.

Needsadvice111

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

It meant absolutely zero. The man is a friend. We got blind drunk and acted like ****ing idiots.

Just to clarify. This is not a case of me being torn between two people. I ONLY want my partner. I have no feelings or anything for this friend. He is a good mate but nothing more. Jesus if I manage to come out the other side of this even the thought of looking at someone else sickens me

Angel2016

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

Just to clarify. This is not a case of me being torn between two people. I ONLY want my partner. I have no feelings or anything for this friend. He is a good mate but nothing more. Jesus if I manage to come out the other side of this even the thought of looking at someone else sickens me

Well then you have answered your own question dont tell your partner & move on and be happy

Needsadvice111

Angel2016 wrote: »

Well then you have answered your own question dont tell your partner & move on and be happy

I want to. I would really give anything to be able to just write this off. Im in such bad shape because I never fathomed that I would ever be going through these emotions. Its shook me to my core.

I dont know what I will do. Thank you all for not judging me, I promise that I am not a bad person really. I just ****ed up. Now I think I may lose everything because of it. I just wish it would all ****ing go away.

StyleKillah

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

I want to. I would really give anything to be able to just write this off. Im in such bad shape because I never fathomed that I would ever be going through these emotions. Its shook me to my core.

I dont know what I will do. Thank you all for not judging me, I promise that I am not a bad person really. I just ****ed up. Now I think I may lose everything because of it. I just wish it would all ****ing go away.

Your not a bad person. Your just human. But from a different angle if your not getting over it you may need to tell him or tell a councillor. Personally I think if you do the former you will just get it out of your system into the open. You clearly don't like lies and secrets. I think there's a certain respect he'd have for you if you came clean even if he momentarily despises you from grief and shock. But it's a 11 year relationship, I can't imagine it going away over a kiss.

Then again I've never been in a long term relationship so I don't know if something that small could break it! ...Yeah for that reason maybe don't listen to my advice!

Needsadvice111

StyleKillah wrote: »

Your not a bad person. Your just human. But from a different angle if your not getting over it you may need to tell him or tell a councillor. Personally I think if you do the former you will just get it out of your system into the open. You clearly don't like lies and secrets. I think there's a certain respect he'd have for you if you came clean even if he momentarily despises you from grief and shock. But it's a 11 year relationship, I can't imagine it going away over a kiss.

Then again I've never been in a long term relationship so I don't know if something that small could break it! ...Yeah for that reason maybe don't listen to my advice!

No! Thank you for giving your opinion.

I have spent the past 4 hours with my closest, longest friend and cried it out.

I really appreciate the fact that everyone that has posted here has given their opinion without ever being judgemental. Regardless of their stance on what I did.

You have no idea how much you have all helped

Mr.Frame

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

No! Thank you for giving your opinion.

I have spent the past 4 hours with my closest, longest friend and cried it out.

I really appreciate the fact that everyone that has posted here has given their opinion without ever being judgemental. Regardless of their stance on what I did.

You have no idea how much you have all helped

No one was judging you,It was clear and is clear that what happened meant nothing ,so let it be.
Stop beating yourself up, move on let it go , the past is the past , look to the future and be happy

Angel2016

Needsadvice111 wrote: »

I want to. I would really give anything to be able to just write this off. Im in such bad shape because I never fathomed that I would ever be going through these emotions. Its shook me to my core.

I dont know what I will do. Thank you all for not judging me, I promise that I am not a bad person really. I just ****ed up. Now I think I may lose everything because of it. I just wish it would all ****ing go away.

Look I have a friend who's partner cheated on her many years ago she found out about it and they discussed things and decided to stay together and work things out I thought she was mad at the time as I dont like him and knew that he was ripping her off for way longer then she thought but I didnt tell her as that would have broken her heart altogether and besides she already knew, so then a good 5 years later she met up with an ex of hers and they kissed and there was some flirtation at this point she was engaged and organizing her wedding and she too was like yourself she got all upset at the fact she kissed her ex and was thinking she would tell her partner as she felt guilty, all of the girls in the group of friends said look what good will it do you are happy now and organizing your wedding this will ruin everything so put this one down to a drunken mistake and move on and make sure it never happens again and dont ever meet with your ex again so that is what she did and she got married two years ago and is very happy I still dont like her husband he is a snake but thats not the point the point is that she stayed quiet because she knew it would just wreck what she had and she didn't want that.

wakka12

Angel2016 wrote: »

Yes agree on this one it was a kiss nothing more but if you should question if you really do love your partner of 11 years because you have done this it could have just been a weak moment but I know if my husband told me that he has even kissed another girl I would be devastated and probably tell him to take a hike so if you know that it was nothing more than a drunken kiss stay quiet.

I think every couple is different. personally I think you can love a person and still have sex with another person even. If I found out my partner had cheated on me Id be angry and feel betrayed that he didnt tell me, but I could get over it. And if he wanted an open relationship I think we could still love each other