Mother good to everyone but me.

LegacyUser

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. I haven't had counselling about this issue but I have read a lot around adult relationship dynamics and things have improved emotionally for me in many ways since I analysed how our relationship worked and developed some coping strategies. We have a fairly good relationship at the moment, but there can still be tense times.
However, other people see her as a very helpful woman who's full of good advice, a rock to lean on and a tower of strength. One relative even told me how lucky I was to have such a good mother to turn to and how it is great that my children have such a nice granny. She's always good at helping other people, apart from me. Today I ran into someone who gushed about how my mother had really dug her out of a hole and wasn't it just fantastic to have someone who's always helping out, and she had other stories of how my mother had gone above and beyond for other people I don't even know.
I can't reconcile this view of her with how she acts towards me. I've not asked for advice from her for years because every time I did I got the brush off or she'd tell me to figure it out myself. Since my mid teens I learned not to ask for help or her thoughts because she never really listend to me, she would have her firmly held views and that was that.
It is really hurtful to have people tell me how my mother has gone out of her way for them when there's been times I needed help and she pretty much told me to stand on my own two feet. I don't expect her to change towards me at this stage but it is infuriating that she has a reputation as an all-around problem solver and fixer for other people but when it comes to her daughter I've never been able to get her to help me out.
I might not be coming across very clearly but this recent encounter has been on my mind and it is yet another slap in the face for me.

Emme

12345quer wrote: »

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. I haven't had counselling about this issue but I have read a lot around adult relationship dynamics and things have improved emotionally for me in many ways since I analysed how our relationship worked and developed some coping strategies. We have a fairly good relationship at the moment, but there can still be tense times.
However, other people see her as a very helpful woman who's full of good advice, a rock to lean on and a tower of strength. One relative even told me how lucky I was to have such a good mother to turn to and how it is great that my children have such a nice granny. She's always good at helping other people, apart from me. Today I ran into someone who gushed about how my mother had really dug her out of a hole and wasn't it just fantastic to have someone who's always helping out, and she had other stories of how my mother had gone above and beyond for other people I don't even know.
I can't reconcile this view of her with how she acts towards me. I've not asked for advice from her for years because every time I did I got the brush off or she'd tell me to figure it out myself. Since my mid teens I learned not to ask for help or her thoughts because she never really listend to me, she would have her firmly held views and that was that.
It is really hurtful to have people tell me how my mother has gone out of her way for them when there's been times I needed help and she pretty much told me to stand on my own two feet. I don't expect her to change towards me at this stage but it is infuriating that she has a reputation as an all-around problem solver and fixer for other people but when it comes to her daughter I've never been able to get her to help me out.
I might not be coming across very clearly but this recent encounter has been on my mind and it is yet another slap in the face for me.

Sometimes people are very hard on their own family while they are very good to those outside the family. OP you are not alone, others are in that situation too. Do you find the only time your mother is nice to you is when non-family members are present?

If you are that upset by your mother's treatment of you it might be good to put some distance between you. Do what she says, stand on your own two feet and keep visits to a minimum.

If you're interested in adult family dynamics it might help you to check out these links:
https://www.facebook.com/Narcissistic-Parent-Answers-140962406067146/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/6-ways-to-know-you-were-raised-by-narcissists_us_5616b091e4b0082030a18f72

Xterminator

Hi OP.

in my experience it is not an uncommon situation.

In your own head you know your mum isnt going to change anytime soon & you only have control over your actions.

Perhaps you might feel better in yourself if you dont pretend to friends and family that things are great. If some one mentions to you how helpful your mum is, answer truthfully but without malice.

zoobizoo

Her
Some people are "good in a crisis" . They thrive on the feeling it gives them because they get shown gratitude and can be the hero of the day.
They don't have to listen to the other person's opinions or engage with them on an emotional level - they just swoop in and do what needs to be done. They can walk away at the end.
She might value herself based on what other people think of her
They are not close to her and won't question her (because she's doing a good thing)

You:
You were never listened to
Your opinion didn't matter
You are not a priority for her


It's easier for her to help these other people than get to know you / build a proper adult relationship with you where she values your opinion, treats you like an adult and helps you out from a place of compassion / care

LegacyUser

I can totally emphatise with you. My own mother sees herself as this voice of reason , a good listener, cool -headed person , someone to whom stranger open up and turn to...a lot of people tell her how different she is and indeed, they ask her advice and share their life problems.. I remember her as moody, at time callous. I never felt comfortable talking to her about my problems and suppressed a lot of really heavy emotions throughout my childhood. Now that I'm adult, and I have moved far away from home, when we talk she constantly talks about herself .. unfortunately not every woman who gives birth is a good mother. I have distanced myself from her and it's better this way, I expect nothing of her.

Givepuzzles

My mother is the same. She's out collecting for charity but won't look after her own grandchild. She's all show

gaynorvader

It's possible your mother was trying to teach you to stand on your own two feet and trying not to "mother" you. Maybe she went overboard, I don't know, but parenting is tricky and not something that's necessarily taught.

ATC110

My mother's a poor one - a religious fundamentalist, co-dependent relationship with her eldest child and zero empathy for me.

Have tried to reason with her for years to no avail. It's such a sad and daunting prospect that she'll never change