Worrying and bad memories

LegacyUser

I'm in 3rd year of college and I'm really struggling right now on in regards to my personal life.

When I was growing up my Dad really abused alcohol and a few years later, probably when I was in 6th year of school, I was told he was Schizophrenic.

He did a lot of really really bad things because of alcohol. I can't go into too much detail about these things because I'll be typing all night if I do but he's done a lot of traumatic things that I don't think I'll ever forget.

There was a point where I kind of accepted things Dad had done and put them behind me but now I feel as bad as ever about them.

I'm extremely worried that I'm turning into my Dad, when his Schizophrenia was at its height (or at least when it affected me the most) he used to do absolutely crazy things like hide in the boot of the car and sleep in ditches over night and loads of other things. I'm no where near wanting to do that but there's little things I do that make me feel like I'm developing into him.

I need to check the gas loads and loads of times before I leave the house, In college when I'd to be up for specific times I used to set five different alarms but there were still nights I stayed awake all night and the entire next day because I was too scared to sleep in case I slept in. I used to have a problem of having to touch certain things repeatedly before I could move on from them. Whenever I'm done for the day and on the bus or walking home I always create these situations that I insulted someone or something even though I know in my head I didn't. I know these things are nothing compared to the things Dad has done but I'm so worried these things are just the beginning of it.

A lot of the time I feel like such a failure because of how I feel in my head. I have one really good friend that knows about a lot of the things that happened with Dad but I feel guilty for leaning on him so much.

I don't know what I can do to fix things because I can't live my life like this forever.

I'm living back at home now for the summer of college but I can't put up with whats involved in living in such a bad environment so I'm moving out for a month and I'm going to be alone for the whole month. I'm not too worried about that at all its just I'm kinda sad that the need to move out during the summer is even there. It just makes me feel a bit abnormal.

I'm scared that I'm going to be alone forever and not have anyone in my life because of how messed up things are. I want someone to hug and just tell me its going to be fine but I know that that is something that won't just magically happen.

How can I fix things I don't even know what is wrong.

I'm almost 21 and I know that's young but I feel like time is slipping by and I'm not getting any better and really only getting worse. I worry over everything.

I know its not the norm for guys to say things like this but I just want someone to tell me it'll be fine and to actually really care for me because I just feel like I need someone to help me fix this.

Neyite

We cant diagnose here OP, but please take your concerns to your GP and get a referral.

Remember one thing - your dad's illness wasn't just Schizophrenia. It was that mixed with alcohol abuse and very likely not taking his medications properly. Schizophrenia that is correctly medicated and managed is very different from how your dad suffered. I've known lovely people for years with the condition and never would have known they had it only for they mentioned it.

Your behaviours could be anxiety for example, stemming from what sounds like a very uncertain and chaotic childhood. And while something like that isn't nice, its a lot less scary I'm sure. To be honest, much of what you've described, we all do. I check stuff is off in the house even though I know I turned it off. But I have to check or I'll convince myself I'll be returning to a heap of ashes. Ditto to the alarm thing - I know loads of people who set several alarms and lie awake worrying that they will sleep in.

It will be fine. Go get checked - right now the stress of thinking you have Schizophrenia is adding to the anxiety you are displaying. Imagine how relieved you will feel when you get told you don't have it. And if the doctor does find something minor that needs treatment, then they will work out a treatment plan for it.

DeltaWhite

Hi OP



My Mam was a Schizophrenic and I spent my entire teenage years stressed to the max that I was going to end up the same. A Guidance Counsellor in my Secondary School told me that I "would want to be careful because it is hereditary". Imagine saying that to a 14 year old girl?? A Counsellor of all people. I suffer a lot of anxiety, and very similar traits to what you mention you suffer from. Well I can tell you, I'm 30 now and not a sign of my Mams illness. I went to an excellent Counsellor last year after Mam died and she was the one who truly made those worries disappear. The hereditary aspect is not factual as far as I am concerned.

For your own piece of mind, go to your doctor. I know how it feels, I suffered a traumatic childhood not understanding what was happening to my Mam and why. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I even heard the word Schizophrenia. So I have suffered a lot of damage, but it's definitely not taking over my life. I loved my Mam more than anything, and I dont think her illness has affected me much apart from being easily stressed and I suffer anxiety quite a bit.


Oh and by the way, checking the gas? That's not really an insane thing to do though is it! I am pyrophobic (my best friend died in a house fire so again, traumatised by that) so I am always checking plugs, sockets etc. It's what makes me feel better, and I would never accept anyone telling me that I'm "mad" for doing that. I see it as being safe simple as. And yes I do see it as obsessive, but it's a trait I can live with, and my family are thankful for it too. It means they don't have to worry about the house burning down.


By all means, go and talk to someone, but don't ever put yourself through this stress of worrying, I did the same and it was such a scary time of my life, when I look back now I regret wasting valuable time stressing so much.

I wish you all the best OP.

Emme

OP go to your GP and ask for a referral for counselling. There may be an option for low-cost counselling considering your age. Your OCD like behaviour may be a result of your chaotic childhood. You are desperately trying to control your environment because your childhood was so crazy and unpredictable.

It's a pity it's not term time because you could go to the student counselling service for advice. You can still do that when you go back to college.

You have done very well so far by getting into college and getting this far, also making the decision to move out of home for a month. Good luck.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am sorry to hear about your situation. My advice to you is to go and speak to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling. It sounds that you had a really difficult childhood and yiu need professional help for it. Also seeing as you are in college you could always see the college counsellor when you go back to college in the autumn. But for now seeing your GP is the best port of call and hopefully he or she will referr you to counselling.
Best of Luck