Dealing with an alcoholic

LegacyUser

Know my partner for a long time before we went out, or so I thought. We got together 1.5 years ago after we both came out of bad relationships. We love each other, talking seriously about the future etc. I moved in with him on his families land and we are saving for a mortgage. I knew he drank but wasnt concerned about how much. At new years he had a row with his sister over me, she told me he is an alcoholic and didnt want me getting involved without knowing. he insists he isnt one, yes he drank too much when he broke up with his ex and he was just too fond of the drink.

Lately it has escalated. he has had some personal set backs but is stuck in the past and just cannot move forwards. He argues with his family, wants to be in charge at work but equally cant be bothered to get up and go and do the work. I've tried talking to him but he hides how much he drinks. It used to be a bottle of wine most nights but now it is worse. He will drink one bottle and open another or drink several beers and then a bottle. he hides the cans, he drinks wine like its water. I dread big nights out as he just goes and goes I might get him home at a reasonable hour but he will keep going at home. thankfully nights out that go on late are rare. he was totally hammered at a night out last week and when I asked him to come to bed he started telling me how he doesnt understand why people have a problem sure he isnt violent or horrible when he drinks. He then sat down for an eternity going over and over everything thats gone wrong n his life and how everyone else has it easier and he has no money or way or progressing etc etc. I understand that he is stuck in a rut but he will not get up and help himself and cant see when others are trying to help.

Today his mum went somewhere with me and brought it up. To be honest it was a relief to know shes noticed she said he was always a drinker and was very bad during the breakup but hasnt been this bad since. The poor woman is really upset over it. He has few friends and most of them facilitate it one of whom is a woman half his age who was a drinking buddy when his ex left and who has been the source of problems in our relationship he doesnt see her (well known as in not just me thinking it, his family too) mild obsession with him and at this stage I dread gong away anywhere overnight as i know full well she will be hovering around and wanting to go drinking and if he does go he will lie about where he was and who with.I know this as he has dont it once before (She told me about it where as he lied about it, he doesnt know I know this). I am not concerned about him cheating I am fairly convinced theres nothing like that going on but its the hiding the drinking again.

As for me, I work damn hard I have put blood sweat and tears into helping him and supporting him and trying to build his business. He is a huge support to me and is a genuinely loving person, I just so desperately want him to get motivated and happy and out of this rut he is in. I broke up with my ex of a very long time about two years before we got together. I was miserable with my ex for a long time and he was a drinker who was depressed, obsessed with the past, hung up on what might have been for him and wanst, always blamed someone else on his problems etc. I am not miserable with the current relationship, I love him and know he loves me but I am worried sick about his drinking. I am also worried about how his drinking and obsession with the past and missed opportunities is starting to sound like my ex, im nearly getting paranoid that its me!

I dont know where to go from here. I cant talk to him about it as he is in denial and will get defensive and just hide it even more. He knows I detest liars I said to him when we first went out just dont ever lie to me I hate liars I hate people hiding things.he argues with his brother and father who admittedly are hard on him but are trying to help and work with him. I dont know if he will listen to his mother. I am living on his family land and feeling horribly vulnerable about all of this. I feel like a loser to think everyone on the outside thinks I have my dream life but on the inside I feel like I have just gotten into another mess. leaving isnt an option for me right now as I think it would honestly break both of us, for me it would be leaving the only relationship where someone genuinely loved me and was my best friend. I can't go back to being alone and starting over again, im almost forty I am too old for another round of this! For him, I think it would tip him over the edge. I will do whatever it takes to help him I just dont know what to do

silverharp

I'll say it bluntly, marrying a drunk is worse than being single. very few people get through life without some negative stuff happening to them and if you already feel he is teetering then it wont take much for him to slide into a dark place. if you really want to turn this around then he should be willing to go for counselling and come up with some plan that he will stick to reduce or cut out drinking altogether. if he doesn't you have to leave for your future happiness, maybe sound it out with his mother first if you think she has a good handle on her son.

Raminahobbin

Honestly OP, you have a long, long, LONG hard road ahead of you if he's not even at the stage of admitting he has a problem. You can't even commit to being by his side while he gets better, because he doesn't even acknowledge the problem. It's gotten so bad even his family notice & he's already lying and hiding stuff from you.

If you do stay with him, then like so many partners of alcoholics, you will have sleepless nights and worries ahead of you, possibly years of heartbreak. If you cut and run now, before you have any complications like kids or a mortgage, then you will be heartbroken for while, but you'll get over it and move on with time.

Merkin

I agree with the posts above. Until such time as he acknowledges he has a problem with alcohol then you are on a road to nowhere and fast. I appreciate that you love the man and that you've put time and effort into the business etc but you simply cannot help him when he's in denial. Alcoholics are the most deceptive liars on earth and he will swear black is white in his efforts to convince you otherwise.

I think that in order for YOU to move on and recognise there is a problem (I think you're probably in denial too) I think you would benefit enormously from counselling. You have gone from one depressive, delusional alcoholic to another so you may need to explore why this is and also to arm yourself with the tools to empower you to leave this relationship.

Sorry to not give you the response you want but I think leaving this now will be easier than getting further embroiled and him ruining your life.

Big Bag of Chips

Oh dear, OP. You really already know the replies you are going to get here, but are posting in the hope that someone will say something different. They won't.

The problem with alcoholics is they are the last people to realise they have a drink problem. Their drinking causes problems for and concerns those around them for a long long time before it starts affecting them. They argue with the people who try to talk to them about it (his sister). They blame their stressful life, everyone else has it easier etc etc.

You've been through all this already, why would you go back to that again? You say you aren't miserable in this relationship, whereas you were in your last one. Were you always miserable in the last one? Did it start off miserable? Or did it progress to being unbearable? I'd say you're not miserable, yet. It will come. It is already progressing to the point where it is concerning you. You have put a lot into the relationship and are hoping for something in return but are getting nothing but excuses and lies. You're not miserable yet, but what about when you're 45, or 55? Stilll watching him struggling to start up a business. Still trying to save for a mortgage and realising the savings aren't building as quick as they should be? Still listening to excuses and lies? Still watching him hide the extent of his drinking? Still listening to him going on about how he has it tougher than everyone else?

You don't have to break up with him. But if you decide to stay, then you stay with your eyes wide open to what your future is going to be. And it's going to be tough. He will never change for you. He may eventually change for himself, but it's a gamble as to whether he will or not. And he hasn't up to now.

You might not be miserable now, but I would bet my house on it you will be in 5 years time.

December2012

Get out now. This is not your problem.

Don't make it your problem.

This person will not change