Rocky Relationship/Past/Infidelity - Should I emigrate

Danni21

Hi there,
Looking for general advice on a situation that’s become very confusing. Been with my bf for just over a year. Met him while travelling and stayed longer in one city to be with him. He’s been in my home country for a while now, to see me and we are looking at getting a visa so I can return to his country.
The relationship has been rocky, but I’ve been mad about this guy since we’ve met. I stupidly kissed two guys in the very early days when I was very drunk and one night was particularly out of character with my behaviour.
I have had trust issues with my bf from early on (I know I sound like a hypocrite) as he has shut me out of certain areas of his life, active evasive. He didn’t want to connect on FB for a good while in to our relationship and blamed it on his ex and said you know there’s certain things you don’t want people to see. His ex started seeing someone else while they were together and he found out on FB.
On our first romantic weekend away as a couple he spoke about his ex, a lot and about there sex life. This really upset me. I was left feeling shut out for a long time and we nearly broke up because of this. He wouldn’t discuss anything regarding his ex with me even though we nearly broke up because of her. I felt like he was being a bit too friendly with some girls on his FB and said this to him too.
Like he would message female friends but only when I wasn’t around. I did things I’m not proud of like checking his FB messages, which I have never done previously in a relationship. I found messages from the early part of us seeing each other when he was on holidays mentioning to his mates, how he was lying in his hotel room chatting to me, then he’d much rather (Name of girl he met on holidays) was beside him doing a certain sexual act. This has caused a lot of arguments and conflict as you can imagine, and I genuinely believe I never would have kissed that guy if I wasn’t being treated like this. Not that this is an excuse i’m responsible for my actions. I just feel like I believed our relationship was something special from the start and he didn’t reciprocate.
He has blatantly stared at girls when in my company and not just a fleeting glance. This is just a brief picture of what I’ve had to put up with. Not that I’m an angel.
Thing is we get on really well, he’s changed and more open with me now. He’s flown to the far side of the world to be with me. I’m sure I love him and have told him too. We’re now looking at getting a visa for his home country. I’m just unsure if I’m doing the right thing. Firstly, should I tell him about the kiss? It was a non-event in so much that it means nothing to me, he is the only person I wanted at the time, which doesn’t make sense right.
I’ve having a hard time figuring out my feelings, should I tell him, should I go with him? I’ve had some health problems over the last few months which haven’t helped, and he has been there for me during surgery and my recovery. I’m on medication that affects my mood a lot and on anti-depressants too.
I’m just wanting to figure out what the right thing to do is for both of us.
Any advice would be great xx

strandroad

I would only go to his country if you can treat it as an adventure/opportunity for yourself, with him as an option. If you're doing it for him, don't go - it doesn't look like you have a strong relationship at all, with both of you willing to stray, snoop, hide things etc.

Loveinapril

The fact that you are doubting this relationship should indicate that moving away for him is not the right move right now. There is a lot of jealousy, mistrust and disrespect present. You should work on rectifying these issues before you make any life changing move.

Danni21

I'm not willing to stray. This is the only thing he doesn't know. He has taken months off work and come here to be with me. He says he's never felt this way about anyone and wants to build a life with me. I believe he was very badly hurt and this is why he acted this way earlier in our relationship. His own insecurities. He knows everything about the fb messages etc, I told him I checked. I couldn't go on false pretences, i'd be going to be with him.

Danni21

Thanks Loveinapril, thing is I do love him very much and he loves me. We've worked through our issues greatly, i'm just nervous about making such a huge move. I'm wondering if I should tell him about the kiss.

batmanrobin

I think you should stay far away from this man. He sounds like an asshat. Talking about his ex and their sex life while on a romantic break with you.... I'm sure that made you feel very special. Going on about wanting to be with other women rather than taking with you!! Basically treating you like a doormat, but hey, that's okay cos, you know, his issues. Spare me.

Take another read over what you've written, then go find your self-esteem and tell this guy to hit the road.

The utter crap people will put up with! Find yourself a better man.

Danni21

batmanrobin wrote: »

I think you should stay far away from this man. He sounds like an asshat. Talking about his ex and their sex life while on a romantic break with you.... I'm sure that made you feel very special. Going on about wanting to be with other women rather than taking with you!! Basically treating you like a doormat, but hey, that's okay cos, you know, his issues. Spare me.

Take another read over what you've written, then go find your self-esteem and tell this guy to hit the road.

The utter crap people will put up with! Find yourself a better man.

Thanks batmanrobin, I appreciate your response. I'd normally be gone like a shot if someone treated me like this, but I just seen something in this guy and can't tell you how shocked I was when I read those messages. I almost broke up with him over it, but was willing to give him a chance,don't ask me why. I have a lot of thinking to do. My health hasn't been 100% and having hormones, moods all over the place is maybe clouding my judgement.

Mr. Incognito

God what a terrible relationship

1. No trust
2. No respect
3. No openness
4. He's obviously still into his ex and messaging other girls
5. You are obviously stuck with low self esteem

You need to exit this toxic relationship and heal. When you are in a good place you will meet someone decent who treats you well.

Get out.

batmanrobin

Danni21 wrote: »

Thanks batmanrobin, I appreciate your response. I'd normally be gone like a shot if someone treated me like this, but I just seen something in this guy and can't tell you how shocked I was when I read those messages. I almost broke up with him over it, but was willing to give him a chance,don't ask me why. I have a lot of thinking to do. My health hasn't been 100% and having hormones, moods all over the place is maybe clouding my judgement.

Apologies if it seems harsh.

Honestly though (and to echo Mr.Incognito) my first thought when reading your first post was that he is not over his ex. He was talking about her while on a romantic break with you. That speaks volumes. Out of the two of you I'd say you're the one who will end up getting hurt.

It seems like he sees you as a means to and end maybe.

Also the fact that he blatantly checks other people out in front of you. We all do it, but come on you'd use a bit of discretion. It's insulting to the person you're with. It shows how little he respects you or your feelings.

I'd chalk him up to an experience and move on.

Flippyfloppy

Danni21 wrote: »

i just seen something in this guy and can't tell you how shocked I was when I read those messages.

It seems that you thought you seen something that wasn't there. He's not who you give him credit for, and no one should have to put up with what you've had to with him. Even if you found out most of what you know on the technicality of 'snooping' you intuitively checked because you knew something wasn't right.

Anyone deserves better than this, to waste a weekend away talking about an ex who you're then not allowed bring up yourself, to know he's broadcasting to others who he'd rather have sexually while you're innocently in his company.

It's a blessing you found out what you know, the only bad thing is that you stayed with him in the interim. Now , cut & run, regardless of how content he 'seems' now, and how much he's 'given up' for you.....so what??? Start a clean slate with someone decent, someone who you won't be carrying your guilt around with either.

Danni21

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

God what a terrible relationship

1. No trust
2. No respect
3. No openness
4. He's obviously still into his ex and messaging other girls
5. You are obviously stuck with low self esteem

You need to exit this toxic relationship and heal. When you are in a good place you will meet someone decent who treats you well.

Get out.

Thanks Mr Incognito,

It doesn't sound too good when you put it in such simple terms. I must highlight these issues were at the very start of our relationship, I just happened to find out about the message about that girl later on down the track. I'm completely open with him and believe he's trying. Am I being naive?

strandroad

Danni21 wrote: »

Thanks Mr Incognito,

It doesn't sound too good when you put it in such simple terms. I must highlight these issues were at the very start of our relationship, I just happened to find out about the message about that girl later on down the track. I'm completely open with him and believe he's trying. Am I being naive?

You can try and work on it if you're so inclined (I wouldn't but that's just me) but do not move to another country for him. Why do you need to move? He's here after all.

LegacyUser

I fear you will not listen to the responses here because they're not what you want to hear. Absolutely on no terms should you make this move. You've only been with him a year and all that negative stuff has happened, he clearly was/is using you while he gets over his ex. Sorry if that hurts you but the truth is better than deluding yourself because you think you love him. Please don't throw away your life for this man. The kisses are irrelevant! This relationship will only get worse if you move over because he knows it is for him and will be relying on him and therefore he will have no impetus to treat you right. He will treat you worse. Don't gamble with your life like this. You know you will regret it.

Danni21

mhge wrote: »

You can try and work on it if you're so inclined (I wouldn't but that's just me) but do not move to another country for him. Why do you need to move? He's here after all.

He's only here on a temporary visa

Loveinapril

If all of this stuff happened a year ago and you are still thinking about it, then you have not worked through it properly.

Danni21

Loveinapril wrote: »

If all of this stuff happened a year ago and you are still thinking about it, then you have not worked through it properly.

We've only really started talking about things lately and are working through things. I've never been a jealous person, despite several hurts i've always started new relationships completely afresh. This relationship did make me feel insecure at times, but we've worked on that. Because my moods and hormones were out of whack it made me question whether I was overreacting to some of these situations at times which really didn't help. So I always tried to take a step back and discuss with a friend.

I only discovered the message about that girl a couple of weeks back and we talked it out. It still hurts sometimes though. He said he was just acting the big man to a friend who would cut him down for admitting to really liking someone aka me. He was on holidays at the time, not long after we started seeing each other. He's only spoken about her recently. The trip where he spoke about his ex was a good 10 months ago, but it festered because it caused so much grief in our relationship. Thing is, it was nearly 6 years ago when they were together and only for a few months. It just cut him up how horribly she treated him.

Mr. Incognito

Danni21 wrote: »

Thanks Mr Incognito,

It doesn't sound too good when you put it in such simple terms. I must highlight these issues were at the very start of our relationship, I just happened to find out about the message about that girl later on down the track. I'm completely open with him and believe he's trying. Am I being naive?

The start of a relationship is the BEST bit.

It's when peoplea are being respectful, honest, open.

Yes you can learn to fancy someone and try and make amends, but the level of toxitiy here is outrageous.

I'm 34, I've been in all types of relationships. I've been through the toxic ones too.

When you mean someone who you actually adore you will treat them like a princess every day.

Never settle for anything less because there are people out there that will treat you well, even if you are hurt and don't believe it.

Get out, take some time. Take some space.

In six months you will be so grateful and happy for that advice.

tara73

see, everybody is telling you the same here: don't go abroad with this man, leave him, he sounds like an absolute a******.
but to every post you're coming up with excuses for his behaviour or how everything is fine now or you working on it to be fine or it's even your fault because of hormones and illness.

I think we can write here whatever we want, you are not ready to see the reality and you will not leave this man. I guess you are very young, early 20's ? so it is the time to make the horrible experiences we all made.

But still something in your gut tells you this man is not right for you, otherwise you wouldn't have come up here and posted.
It's the old story, your mind is telling you he's wrong, but your heart still doesn't. Only you can decide which to follow in the end.

I would leave this man. He doesn't sound like a good character and as others have said, he's not over his ex.

Danni21

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

The start of a relationship is the BEST bit.

It's when peoplea are being respectful, honest, open.

Yes you can learn to fancy someone and try and make amends, but the level of toxitiy here is outrageous.

I'm 34, I've been in all types of relationships. I've been through the toxic ones too.

When you mean someone who you actually adore you will treat them like a princess every day.

Never settle for anything less because there are people out there that will treat you well, even if you are hurt and don't believe it.

Get out, take some time. Take some space.

In six months you will be so grateful and happy for that advice.

You make a good point as much as I hate to admit it. He reckons he hasn't been open with me about the whole ex thing because he stuffed up so badly in the first place and didn't want to hurt me any further so thought it was best to say nothing.

Danni21

tara73 wrote: »

see, everybody is telling you the same here: don't go abroad with this man, leave him, he sounds like an absolute a******.
but to every post you're coming up with excuses for his behaviour or how everything is fine now or you working on it to be fine or it's even your fault because of hormones and illness.

I think we can write here whatever we want, you are not ready to see the reality and you will not leave this man. I guess you are very young, early 20's ? so it is the time to make the horrible experiences we all made.

But still something in your gut tells you this man is not right for you, otherwise you wouldn't have come up here and posted.
It's the old story, your mind is telling you he's wrong, but your heart still doesn't. Only you can decide which to follow in the end.

I would leave this man. He doesn't sound like a good character and as others have said, he's not over his ex.

I'm actually 30!! I'm honestly not making excuses, i've just tried to see things from every angle, god knows i've had enough sleepless nights thinking about it. I know some of the things he's done are terrible.

Faith

Can you write out a clear timeline of all of these events? It's hard to follow what happened, when.

E.G.

12 month ago: We met
11.5 months ago: I kissed someone else

etc.

beks101

One of the hardest things in the world is acting on what your head and not your heart is telling you when it comes to matters of the heart first and foremost.

You want to be loved and you want to love in equal measure, as we all do. And relationships are rarely easy. So you're going around in circles and trying to justify all of these red flags and feelings of distrust and insecurity and paranoia that you feel as a result of his actions. Which is inherently human. If walking away from these scenarios was easy, this forum wouldn't exist.

Just think about the kind of person you want to be, and ask yourself if this guy facilitates that. Are you happy? Secure? Confident? Self-assured? Do you laugh a lot, do you feel supported and safe with him? Do you feel loved and respected? Can he give you a happy future?

Think about these questions carefully. They're questions I wished I had asked myself in past relationships which invariably ended because the answer to most of them would've been "no." Or more precisely, "no, but...". I needed the validation. I needed to "win him over" to prove a point to myself. I needed to be the one that helped him get over his ex. I needed to keep other women at bay so help me god. Like you, I acted in ways uncharacteristic of me, not knowing why at the time, purely driven by these all-consuming insecurities. By ignoring my gut.

I actually think it's the hardest and bravest thing in the world to let your head rule over your heart in these scenarios. To walk away from the familiar and into the unknown. It's bloody terrifying. God knows I've failed many's a time. We all know lots of people who don't do it and end up in relationships that destroy them. Think about those people. Think about what your nearest and dearest - your mother, your sister, your best friend - would think about this predicament. And then think about who you want to be. And go from there. Best of luck x

forgodssake

I'm not trying to be horrible or unhelpful but the first two words on the the title of your thread say it all.. I wish you the best

LegacyUser

If you think things are bad now, wait until you're in a more vulnerable position by being in his home country with little or no support network around you. Don't make that move and have a long hard talk about why you're accepting such poor treatment.

Danni21

Faith wrote: »

Can you write out a clear timeline of all of these events? It's hard to follow what happened, when.

E.G.

12 month ago: We met
11.5 months ago: I kissed someone else

etc.

Hi Faith,

Hope this makes things a bit clearer:

June – We’d been talking online, went on a couple of dates, slept together. Then he went on holidays, this is when he sent the messages about me texting him and the other girl. I only seen these in May.
August – Went away together, mentioned having sex with his ex on a balcony, how he felt sorry for her for getting pregnant she’s all these career plans. He also stared some girl out of it when we were down by the pool. I sat and watched him do it and he never even noticed me looking at him. I almost broke up with him, he only added me on FB then. He added an attractive Canadian girl he met on holidays in June and chatted to her in this time, but couldn’t add me even though we were together.
September – This is when the kiss happened
When he eventually added me on FB his FB looked different than before we met as in, he was chatting to all these friends (who all happen to be attractive American girls) some quite flirtatiously. There hadn’t been any of these messages on his timeline. A couple of American female friends, did like every single picture he put up almost. He was private messaging some of these girls I later discovered. He has since deleted these messages and he deleted most of these girls as he knew it was upsetting me.
We had our ups and downs, but still had some really great times over the next few months.

May – This is when I discovered the messages he sent back in June.
We’ve been over all this over the last few weeks and also he’s opened up about his ex to me. I feel embarrassed writing this as it seems petty and immature. I can’t help the things that bother me though.

Danni21

Guessed wrote: »

If you think things are bad now, wait until you're in a more vulnerable position by being in his home country with little or no support network around you. Don't make that move and have a long hard talk about why you're accepting such poor treatment.

Thanks Guessed, I lived in his country for two years, I have more friends there than probably my own country. I'm not worried about the support network.

Danni21

beks101 wrote: »

One of the hardest things in the world is acting on what your head and not your heart is telling you when it comes to matters of the heart first and foremost.

You want to be loved and you want to love in equal measure, as we all do. And relationships are rarely easy. So you're going around in circles and trying to justify all of these red flags and feelings of distrust and insecurity and paranoia that you feel as a result of his actions. Which is inherently human. If walking away from these scenarios was easy, this forum wouldn't exist.

Just think about the kind of person you want to be, and ask yourself if this guy facilitates that. Are you happy? Secure? Confident? Self-assured? Do you laugh a lot, do you feel supported and safe with him? Do you feel loved and respected? Can he give you a happy future?

Think about these questions carefully. They're questions I wished I had asked myself in past relationships which invariably ended because the answer to most of them would've been "no." Or more precisely, "no, but...". I needed the validation. I needed to "win him over" to prove a point to myself. I needed to be the one that helped him get over his ex. I needed to keep other women at bay so help me god. Like you, I acted in ways uncharacteristic of me, not knowing why at the time, purely driven by these all-consuming insecurities. By ignoring my gut.

I actually think it's the hardest and bravest thing in the world to let your head rule over your heart in these scenarios. To walk away from the familiar and into the unknown. It's bloody terrifying. God knows I've failed many's a time. We all know lots of people who don't do it and end up in relationships that destroy them. Think about those people. Think about what your nearest and dearest - your mother, your sister, your best friend - would think about this predicament. And then think about who you want to be. And go from there. Best of luck x

Thanks for taking the time to write such a lengthy post. My friends have told me to leave him before, but then they've also seen he's changed and made such a huge effort. We laugh all the time, that's the thing. We love doing the most mundane things together. He tells me i'm beautiful and he loves me every day. I guess i'm scared and confused. I'm just very confused about my feelings for him after everything that's happened. Part of me thinks we could have an amazing life together.

batmanrobin

Danni21 wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to write such a lengthy post. My friends have told me to leave him before, but then they've also seen he's changed and made such a huge effort. We laugh all the time, that's the thing. We love doing the most mundane things together. He tells me i'm beautiful and he loves me every day. I guess i'm scared and confused. I'm just very confused about my feelings for him after everything that's happened. Part of me thinks we could have an amazing life together.

I can see why you'd be confused, things seemed to be so hard but are now better.

Three things stick out for me:

1. The start of a relationship should not be as you described. It should never be that hard.

2. He was with his ex 6 years ago. Honestly, the way you describe him talking about her I thought they had recently broken up. It's not a good sign that 6 years later he is still going on about her like that. She seems to be really present. Does he think of her as the one that got away, I wonder?

3. He had no problem adding all these hotties on FB, but for him to add you seems to have been a battle. Big red flag!

Be very careful about uprooting your life for this guy.

Danni21

batmanrobin wrote: »

I can see why you'd be confused, things seemed to be so hard but are now better.

Three things stick out for me:

1. The start of a relationship should not be as you described. It should never be that hard.

2. He was with his ex 6 years ago. Honestly, the way you describe him talking about her I thought they had recently broken up. It's not a good sign that 6 years later he is still going on about her like that. She seems to be really present. Does he think of her as the one that got away, I wonder?

3. He had no problem adding all these hotties on FB, but for him to add you seems to have been a battle. Big red flag!

Be very careful about uprooting your life for this guy.

It hurts me even reading this, but at the same time it's good to know that other people see where i'm coming from

Danni21

Wow so I just questioned about why he treated his ex so different than me when we started going out, he said he was flattered she liked him. So he treats her like a princess and treats me like absolute crap. The best he could come up with is "Every relationship is different"

stargazer 68

Danni21 wrote: »

Wow so I just questioned about why he treated his ex so different than me when we started going out, he said he was flattered she liked him. So he treats her like a princess and treats me like absolute crap. The best he could come up with is "Every relationship is different"

Sorry Op but that would seal the deal for me!

Danni21

g

Danni21

Dovies wrote: »

Sorry Op but that would seal the deal for me!

Apparently I took him up wrong

batmanrobin

Danni21 wrote: »

Wow so I just questioned about why he treated his ex so different than me when we started going out, he said he was flattered she liked him. So he treats her like a princess and treats me like absolute crap. The best he could come up with is "Every relationship is different"

I sincerely hope you told him to sling his hook! So what does that say about you that he was so flattered by the fact that she liked him?

Seriously, OP, this guy is telling you by his words and actions how little he thinks of you. Do you really think this is all you're worth? Is this as good as it gets for you?

You're having doubts for a reason and rightly so.

You always get people on here who give a list of all the horrible things their bf/gf has done and said, but who then feel the need to say oh but we're so happy and so good together, yet it's very obvious they aren't good together. You know, in most relationships there are tough times, of course, but in truly good relationships you don't have either partner treating the other like crap. They still respect each other. That is sorely lacking here for you.

Embroider this on a pillow: people treat you how you allow them to.

So you need to be damn sure you don't take crap, not from anyone.

Faith

Thanks for clearing it up for me, Danni . Still though, I think you know the answer yourself. Ask yourself, are you happy in this relationship? Can you forgive and forget? If not, to either of those, then this relationship has no future. It's always said here, and it's so true: Relationships should enhance your life, not make it more difficult.

Jenneke87

I totally recommend you take that trip, either to his homecountry or somewhere else, but without him. This man sounds like he doesn't give a toss about you, he'll only ruin a beautiful, potentially once in a lifetime trip. Do it, have the experience but leave him far behind. You can(and should do) so much better for yourself.

Danni21

Faith wrote: »

Thanks for clearing it up for me, Danni . Still though, I think you know the answer yourself. Ask yourself, are you happy in this relationship? Can you forgive and forget? If not, to either of those, then this relationship has no future. It's always said here, and it's so true: Relationships should enhance your life, not make it more difficult.

Thanks for your reply. I honestly wish I did know the answer, from reading my own post and what everyone has said it seems pretty cut and dry as to what the best option is. Thing is we get on so well most of the time, I love spending time with him. He flew around the world just to be with me and tells me every day he loves me so much, he wants to build a future with me and spend the rest of his life with me. He cries at the thoughts of leaving me and when he realises how much he's hurt me and says how ashamed he is that he's hurt the person he loves the most in the world.

Then he has done these things in the past which is very conflicting with all of this. It's very much a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde situation (not wanting to be dramatic) and i'm very confused.

Danni21

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I totally recommend you take that trip, either to his homecountry or somewhere else, but without him. This man sounds like he doesn't give a toss about you, he'll only ruin a beautiful, potentially once in a lifetime trip. Do it, have the experience but leave him far behind. You can(and should do) so much better for yourself.

Just to clarify i've already taken the trip. I spent two years in his country.