College/Life Worries

LegacyUser

Ok sooo, I am in the 3rd year, ongoing to 4th year (final year of my course). My third year accounts for 30% of my degree and my 4th accounts for 70%

Basically last (academic) year was the best year of my life. I was so happy and was having fun and was genuinely enjoying my course and studying it wasn't a chore I had so much motivation and love for it. I got a 1.1 in second year (74%) Then this year happened. All that love and happiness slipped away and my motivation was gone and studying became a chore and even tho I was studying just as much and dedicating even more time to assignments my grades started to slip. I couldnt remember things like I had before, my brain wasnt able to absorb the material.... I sat one of my Christmas exams and felt like I had failed and it felt like my whole world had fallen on top of itself and the one good thing in my life had slipped away. I took it really hard and went to counselling about it and they sent me to the gp and I got diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants. And whilst the lows weren't as low I still felt dead inside and my memory got even worse and my friends kinda became **** friends. They became very boy obsessed. Very tinder obsessed. Like literally 90% of their lifes seemed consumed by it. I know it sounds awful but they all kinda went from normal girls on nights out (only having shifted people before) to I know its an awful word...but sluts. All of them "popped their cherry in quick sucssion of each other (literally less than 2 weeks), and from then on the mission every night out for them was to go home with a lad, even if they were on their period theyd go home with a lad just so they could give him a bj. Even my flatmate picked up on it (them becoming obsessed with tinder/boys). Leaving me by myself on nights out for guys (which always meant I was left to walk home alone in a city where that isnt advised) so even when I did try to have fun I wasn't able to. Any time I would meet up with them most of the time we either talked about tinder/they were on tinder not really participating in conversation/I might be given one of their phones and was allowed frape them on tinder (at least I could then have something to contribute to conversation I suppose). It's a hell of a long story got to do with a. incredibly low esteem insecurities and confidence and b. aometimes, antidepressants affect your libido and in my case it made me essentially asexual, so I cant even join in on boy conversations. My grades slipped even more in the second semester (i.e the semester I was on antidepressants).

I was unhappier and not able to remember/memorise things a fraction of my ability to prior. My overall grade slipped 13% from last year....scraping a 2.1 but the only reason why it wasn't a low 2.2 was because of 1 subject which was incredibly easy and bought up my average by hell of a lot....Ive done the maths, I need an impossible grade next year to get a 1.1. It isnt going to happen. But its all Ive ever wanted.

So anyways tl;dr I have depression my grades are slipping. I'm quite hopeless about it all....all I can think about next year is how awful it's going to be and how if this continues will I even be able to scrape a pass. I don't know how to make this better....I feel like if I could bring my grades up my esteem will go up and maybe happiness in return. My entire self worth lies in my grades pretty much and I just don't know what to do......

Like even since I was a toddler, I lived in a pretty poor conditions my mother used to say if only she had went to college things would have een so much better,all I wanted was to do well in school/college.....like I think it will *figuratively* crush me to look back on my college degree an see that a bad few years ruined my degree (and my sense of pride I know its stupid I know its not healthy but I grew up in an abusive household and the only thing I ever had to me was my academics, when Iwas in secondary school I went from being one of the brightest kids to average and it absolutely killed me, there were other reasons to it but I became extremely depressed/suicidal, literally the only thing that makes me feel ok is knowing I have good grades, then I start to enjoy other aspects of life, but without good grades I sink into this abyss where life doesnt seem worth living, where I dont want to nor if I dont have to, leave my bed, Ill literally lie in it for hours upon hours after waking)

And ts not like I can study now during the summer to get ahead to next year, I deferred 4 of my exams this year which means I have to sit them in August. I am working 48 hours a week, and travel to and from work takes up alot of time and I have a sibling on the autism spectrum so they end up coming to me for a lot of things/I end up doing a lot things for them/my dad. So I dont have a lot of spare time....and I just dont know any more....I just want to give up at this stage but I cant. My dad is always on my back, its his way or the high way. I just want to give up, I want to go back to my old life, my second year life. The one where I was happy. I was doing so well academically, I had so much happiness and confidence and this spun into other areas of my life then and I just doint know how to fix this

Im sorry for the long post I just dont have anyone, I hate counselling, and what was meant to be a short direct post became a long one.....

Basically how does someone with depression and not time manage to bring up their grades? I dont want a lecture onhow I shouldnt define my happiness/self worth on grades. I just want to know how can I bring my grades up.

Thank you.

LostTazMan

OK, first off I think you should talk to your GP about your medication. It might need to be changed, I was in a situation where I was more or less coping, my medication was increased which worked for me.

Your health is key. I know you want to do everything but that's not always possible. Don't stress about friends wanting to push the boundaries, trying to match them will help nobody.
With regards to grades don't try to do it all at once. Depression cuts my ability to focus, so I push hard for 30mins then take a breather and go for a walk to clear my head.
Do the best you can, and remember that a 2.1 or 1.2 will still give you a good platform to move on for. Best wishes, LTM

Skibunny77

Op, you have plenty of time, even with working a 48 hour week to do well in your repeats. I know plenty of people working full time weeks with lots of responsibilities who study for degrees outside of work hours. You don't need anyone here to tell you how to study, you have many years of experience as a successful student and all of those strategies will work for you now. I can read in your post that you are feeling overwhelmed between changes in your mates, study worries and responsibilities at home. How about using a counsellor to help you park some of those changes and regain your focus for now? I understand that you haven't found counselling useful in the past, you may need to negotiate with a counsellor exactly what you want to get out of it - which for now, sounds like academic focus and routine.
As the other poster said, a visit to the GP might help.
In some ways, you are asking for advice on something that you have demonstrated you can do before - be a good student. Take heart in that.