I handled this situation badly and I need advice

LegacyUser

Regular poster going unreg for this. This will probably be a long post but I'll try to keep it on point. I really do not know what to do here so any advice or even just hearing from someone who has experienced something similar would be helpful.

OK so Im male mid 20s and my relationship history with guys has been really bad. The only people I've attracted have all been either liars, cheaters or controlling sociopaths and the sum total of those experiences has left me feeling a bit damaged so now I dont put effort into looking for relationships. My last boyfriend was over a year ago and since then I've been cautious about guys getting too close to me. I'm much more comfortable something casual or just hooking up. If asked I say I dont want to be tied down but the real reason is a fear of feeling like that again. So now my problem is that Ive realized that I really like a guy I know and he has made it clear in the past that he likes me too. When he used to say these things I have said that I'm not looking for a relationship but some things happened in the last week and I made some poor choices and I think I messed things up.

He is from a country in eastern europe that is not part of the EU so he is here on a visa and it does not allow him to remain in Ireland indefinitely. His english is kind of limited but I can speak his language fluently so we have no communication barrier but when were out with my friends he found it hard to understand what was said. Conversational english is one thing but being in a very loud pub and trying to engage with people getting drunk was difficult for him and by the end of the night I ended up translating things for him, this made him feel kind of isolated and he was embarrassed for having difficulty with the conversations. My friends noticed too and it was just awkward for everyone. The country he is from is not friendly towards gay people and he has grown up with no gay experiences until he came to Ireland. He is worried that when he has to go back home he will have to hide that part of himself again so he has been meeting guys here but it hasn't gone very well for him and he said he's getting tired of it.

Anyway last week we were talking and he said he really likes me and asked me to be his boyfriend. I was completely stunned but I panicked, made an excuse and left without answering him. Since then I avoided all contact with him. I know it was completely the wrong way to react and I've felt really bad about avoiding him because I've been ghosted before and it feels horrible. The problem is that the more I think about it the more I realize I have strong feelings for him and the thought of being in a relationship with him actually makes me happy. It's not easy to explain but all the good times I've had in the last while have been connected to him one way or another but my instincts are telling me to stay back and move on from this, my fear is that this would end badly for us but right now Ive fallen hard for him. If I examine it critically it feels like we have such different views on everything from music and movies to politics and culture so I question how we could be compatible but that doesnt change how he says he feels about me and how I feel about him.

This brings me to the reason I have posted all that here. I have talked to my two best friends about this. One noticed what is going on and took me aside for a chat. He told me that what I'm doing is disrespectful and selfish and I have to talk to the guy (i know this already) and that in his opinion we could be good for each other. I approached another close friend to get his opinion and he agreed that I had to stop avoiding him but said we should not get together. He told me that my issues with dating would make me paranoid plus the guy will have to leave Ireland eventually so we will have to break up then and how would I feel about that. Normally my friends are pretty aligned on stuff like this and even when they're not I can go with my gut instinct but this time I am hopelessly lost.

I've got a ton of messages from him over the last few days. They started out asking where I was then there were some apologizing and the last one he asked me to talk and tell him if we are still friends. I felt awful reading that one so today I answered him and told him I'm sorry but my head is wrecked and could we meet up over the weekend. I dont know what Im going to do but I've handled this badly.



TL;DR I got asked out but I'm a total commitment phobe and didnt answer then avoided the guy for the last week. I'm meeting him at the weekend, friends have given opposite opinions and Im not sure what to do but I really like him.

spurious

Firstly you have to explain to this poor guy why you have treated him like this.

Secondly, I would give it a chance with him and yes, he might have to go back and yes, it may not be a very long term thing, but really you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Live while you can.

lottpaul

He definitely deserves an explanation from you. Sounds as if he is isolated and will be even more so when he returns home, so the least you could give him is honesty - tactfully and in a sensitive way -- but honesty nonetheless. And I would act quickly. He's probably been sitting wondering what happened.

Only you can answer whether or not you should give a relationship with him a chance, but ask first - if he was Kevin O'Brien from 3 streets away, would you be interested? If you think yes -- then why not give it a go? The fear of him going back home shouldn't be a deterrent. Who knows what the future may hold? It might not work out or it could be the most wonderful experience for both of you, but dismissing it for the sake of geography makes no sense. The chance of happiness doesn't come along every day - and you're only thinking of going for a few dates, not marrying him

Swallow your fears, embarrassment, pride or whatever you may be feeling and let your heart decide instead of your head

Best of luck with it all.

nhunter100

Life is short, grasp every opportunity at happiness no matter how fleeting.

Mr.Frame

I just read your post now (sunday) so I presume you had your meeting with him.

My advice to you would be take the bloody plunge , just do it and enjoy your time with each other, lifes too short.You said he might have to leave Ireland when his visa expires, then again he may not have to,who knows.

Yes you did treat him badly and unfairly and you owe him respect.Just because you have issues re relationships (understandable ones given your previous experience with guys) doesnt mean you should treat every guy/relationship based on your past.
Be honest with him.

I can understand (and sympathize) with how he feels when he is out with your friends and his english not being his first language, it is frustrating and isolating. I'm Irish but my BF is from another part of europe and when he is with his friends be it here or when we go to his country, they talk away and I'm left looking at the ceiling or whatever, at times though he will translate for me but it can be very isolating, so just be conscious of that.

You also said you had little in common, I'm the same with my BF we're together almost 9 yrs and our taste in music and movies are polar opposites as are our views on some political things, world views ect , but hey it would be crazy if we were both of the same opinion about everything.

I really hope you give it a go and start a relationship with this guy for the simple reason being that when I read your post the following lines you typed jumped out of me and I think you should re read them yourself .


"Ive realized that I really like a guy I know and he has made it clear in the past that he likes me too".

"the more I realize I have strong feelings for him"

"the thought of being in a relationship with him actually makes me happy"

"All the good times I've had in the last while have been connected to him one way or another"

"but right now Ive fallen hard for him".

Please let us know how you got on over the weekend, I hope the outcome was/is a positive for both of you.
Best of luck
xx

J_E

Anyway last week we were talking and he said he really likes me and asked me to be his boyfriend. I was completely stunned but I panicked, made an excuse and left without answering him. Since then I avoided all contact with him. I know it was completely the wrong way to react and I've felt really bad about avoiding him because I've been ghosted before and it feels horrible. The problem is that the more I think about it the more I realize I have strong feelings for him and the thought of being in a relationship with him actually makes me happy. It's not easy to explain but all the good times I've had in the last while have been connected to him one way or another but my instincts are telling me to stay back and move on from this, my fear is that this would end badly for us but right now Ive fallen hard for him. If I examine it critically it feels like we have such different views on everything from music and movies to politics and culture so I question how we could be compatible but that doesnt change how he says he feels about me and how I feel about him.

This is really hurtful on the receiving end. Put your ego to the side and be a decent person to the person who had courage to tell you how they feel.

Saying things like 'I only attract deranged sociopaths' comes off as egotistical and self-absorbed, and it projects onto people you meet and talk to, even if you don't think it does. Trust me, it's not a good look/vibe to have about if you are trying to find new people. You had bad experiences - so have we all. Get over it.

LegacyUser

J_E wrote: »

Saying things like 'I only attract deranged sociopaths' comes off as egotistical and self-absorbed

J_E without you knowing anything of my past experiences or how they affected my self esteem at the time, and subsequently, I'm not sure why you think that is a fair statement to make. As for the issue I originally asked about, I know I have unfairly projected fears based on past experiences onto this guy and I already recognize that this was absolutely not the right thing to do. I've tried to fix it and I will 'get over it' but that's the thing about fear, it's illogical and irrational. Your comment is not helpful.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone who replied. I met up with him on Saturday night and we talked about things. I had intended to go and meet him for only about half an hour to apologize and see what I could do to make things right for treating him like that, I hadn't even decided on what the next steps might be when I went to meet him, but we ended up talking until nearly 2am. It was a weird and uncomfortable conversation at first and I could barely even form the words I wanted to say to him, whatever I said just didn't sound right and I was nervous so we ended up having a couple of drinks. After that it was much easier and we had an honest chat about things. I opened up to him and told him why I acted the way I did and he accepted my apology and told me some things about him too that I didn't know before. After all that he could see I was upset, from some of the things we had talked about, and very tired so he walked me home, that was it.

As for what 'we' are now or if there even is a 'we' I don't know. All I know is that after half a bottle of rum and 4 hours of opening up I realize how glad I am to have this guy in my life and I've asked him to come with me to a birthday party I'm going to this week, beyond that I guess we'll see what happens

Mr.Frame

confused_op wrote: »

Regular poster going unreg for this. This will probably be a long post but I'll try to keep it on point. I really do not know what to do here so any advice or even just hearing from someone who has experienced something similar would be helpful.

OK so Im male mid 20s and my relationship history with guys has been really bad. The only people I've attracted have all been either liars, cheaters or controlling sociopaths and the sum total of those experiences has left me feeling a bit damaged so now I dont put effort into looking for relationships. My last boyfriend was over a year ago and since then I've been cautious about guys getting too close to me. I'm much more comfortable something casual or just hooking up. If asked I say I dont want to be tied down but the real reason is a fear of feeling like that again. So now my problem is that Ive realized that I really like a guy I know and he has made it clear in the past that he likes me too. When he used to say these things I have said that I'm not looking for a relationship but some things happened in the last week and I made some poor choices and I think I messed things up.

He is from a country in eastern europe that is not part of the EU so he is here on a visa and it does not allow him to remain in Ireland indefinitely. His english is kind of limited but I can speak his language fluently so we have no communication barrier but when were out with my friends he found it hard to understand what was said. Conversational english is one thing but being in a very loud pub and trying to engage with people getting drunk was difficult for him and by the end of the night I ended up translating things for him, this made him feel kind of isolated and he was embarrassed for having difficulty with the conversations. My friends noticed too and it was just awkward for everyone. The country he is from is not friendly towards gay people and he has grown up with no gay experiences until he came to Ireland. He is worried that when he has to go back home he will have to hide that part of himself again so he has been meeting guys here but it hasn't gone very well for him and he said he's getting tired of it.

Anyway last week we were talking and he said he really likes me and asked me to be his boyfriend. I was completely stunned but I panicked, made an excuse and left without answering him. Since then I avoided all contact with him. I know it was completely the wrong way to react and I've felt really bad about avoiding him because I've been ghosted before and it feels horrible. The problem is that the more I think about it the more I realize I have strong feelings for him and the thought of being in a relationship with him actually makes me happy. It's not easy to explain but all the good times I've had in the last while have been connected to him one way or another but my instincts are telling me to stay back and move on from this, my fear is that this would end badly for us but right now Ive fallen hard for him. If I examine it critically it feels like we have such different views on everything from music and movies to politics and culture so I question how we could be compatible but that doesnt change how he says he feels about me and how I feel about him.

This brings me to the reason I have posted all that here. I have talked to my two best friends about this. One noticed what is going on and took me aside for a chat. He told me that what I'm doing is disrespectful and selfish and I have to talk to the guy (i know this already) and that in his opinion we could be good for each other. I approached another close friend to get his opinion and he agreed that I had to stop avoiding him but said we should not get together. He told me that my issues with dating would make me paranoid plus the guy will have to leave Ireland eventually so we will have to break up then and how would I feel about that. Normally my friends are pretty aligned on stuff like this and even when they're not I can go with my gut instinct but this time I am hopelessly lost.

I've got a ton of messages from him over the last few days. They started out asking where I was then there were some apologizing and the last one he asked me to talk and tell him if we are still friends. I felt awful reading that one so today I answered him and told him I'm sorry but my head is wrecked and could we meet up over the weekend. I dont know what Im going to do but I've handled this badly.



TL;DR I got asked out but I'm a total commitment phobe and didnt answer then avoided the guy for the last week. I'm meeting him at the weekend, friends have given opposite opinions and Im not sure what to do but I really like him.

So what happened ???

wakka12

Don't avoid happiness just because you can see an end in sight. It will end regardless so enjoy it while you can. And anyway, you don't know what will happen. There could be new immigration laws that permit him to stay longer, maybe you'll even get married and he then gets to stay in Ireland. You just don't know, anyway my advice is to enjoy your time with somebody you like. And if they like you back then why wouldnt you!

wakka12

By the way you owe him the biggest apology you can muster if you hope to recover any feelings he might still have for you! I would be so so hurt if I was him. I would question why I ever liked you and would totally question myself, Id be asking myself am I really that awful and unlikeable that he'd completely blank me when I ask him out