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I think I'm still not over her...

  • 21-06-2016 3:35pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34


    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Im so annoyed with myself Really i am. [/font]
    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Last night we were out on some concert near my hometown. I run into my ex gf. We were together for year and a half. Almost every experience about relationships I have posted on this forum so far is from a relationship with her. She was my first love . At 25... Im 28 now and so is she. [/font]

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]So I saw her last night with a guy she is with now. She got with him just 2 or 3 months after we split. Their group was almost next to my group. We never locked eyes or said hello. But I know she saw me. When I went to my other group of friends, she went to my best friend and talked to him and asked him where am I, etc My friend brought that up after we were driving home. [/font]

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]When I saw her old feelings resurfaced not just the good one. everything. To tell you the truth, i wanted home. It hit me right in the feels. It was sickening. I cant believe I felt that way. Its like I disappointed myself to be that ****ing weak. Even now, when we are apart almost as long as we were a couple. I thought I was stronger but now Im wondering if am i really over her after more then a year of NC. Is that even normal??? Yes she was my first gf but still [/font]

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]What angers me the most is the fact she treated me / our relationship like CRAP I was never a priority, she was emotionally abusive, manipulative, cared only for her needs and was avoiding sex with me when i look back i can say she has 8/10 signs of being a pathological narcissist. [/font]

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Half of the relationship with her was pure crap anyway, but i was hanging so long in there like a fool. trying to fix things thinking something is wrong with me, not being good enough trying to talk to her waiting for her to be the way she was in honeymoon stage but it was never upon me to fix things and in the end she was the one who ended things. Such a fool. Im still ashamed. And after all this she still has an effect on my emotions. Sick at the same time i have said to myself many times thank god its over and she ended it. Because i wouldnt. [/font]

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I was always bewildered how easily she just end a relationship with NO intention on fixing it. And she knew what was wrong - I made it clear many times.[/font]

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I had to rant/share this with someone Have any of you ever felt that way? [/font]

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I just wanted to share that with you guys.You have always put my emotions where they belong and never steer me wrong. For that I am thankful.[/font]


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    As Sheryl Crow and many before her (Cat Stevens, Rod Stewart??? - open to correction on this one) have said, The first cut is the deepest.

    It took me years to get fully over my first ex boyfriend. We were together for 3 years through our most formative years and that can't not make an impact. I only ran into him a few times post break up and on the first occasion, it was like a horse had just kicked my straight in the stomach. Over time you get better at handling it.

    This was now about 8 years ago, and I've myself been in a great (hopefully) lasting relationship for the past 3. I know now it wouldn't effect me to see him, but thankfully we're just not in the same circles so I'm just as happy not to. Could I have said this honestly in the first 1,2,3 years we were broken up? Probably not.

    The acid test for me was that I saw recently on Facebook (don't know how it knows we even know each other, but thats another story!) and I actually smiled. I'm happy to be happy for him at a distance.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Don't beat yourself up. She sounds like she really did a number on you, you saw her somewhere you weren't expecting to, and she was with someone. I think most people would have a bad reaction to that, I would for sure. It's natural to feel the way you're feeling right now, which doesn't mean it's rational or that you deserve to feel this way.

    I know the frustration and hurt of not being able to make someone see or acknowledge the wrong they've done to you and it makes a break-up, especially of a formative relationship, more difficult to get past. But not impossible. Time does heal. Don't give yourself grief for how you're feeling, and try not to make a habit of either dwelling on or repressing thoughts about her. You'll be ok.

    And lookit, the next time you run into her you'll be that bit more able for it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    When I saw your name here again, my heart sank. First thought that came into my head was "Oh no, please don't tell me he has got back with that awful girlfriend of his". But now I see that you haven't - phew.

    I'm not surprised you're upset over this. I remember your other threads and how everyone kept telling you over and over how bad this relationship was for you. Yet you could not see it. You still can't. You're still going on about how she wouldn't fix the issues in the relationship even though you begged her to. This is missing the point
    I was always bewildered how easily she just end a relationship with NO intention on fixing it. And she knew what was wrong - I made it clear many times.

    You're probably the only person who is bewildered. You just don't get it. Even though you're trotting out phrases like Pathological Narcissist, they're meaningless. She was never with you for love. All you were to her was a man she could treat like crap and who she enjoyed torturing. And besides, if she is a narcissist, why on earth would you even want to be in a relationship with her?

    You come across as a guy who has a lot of self-esteem issues. Did you ever look into getting help for them after the relationship ended? I think you should, even to explore why you willingly tolerated such crap.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    It sounds like you're over her, but not over the abuse.

    Being in an emotionally abusive relationship wreaks havoc on a person on so many fronts - your self-esteem, self-worth, self-identity, your boundaries, your confidence and your emotional capacity in future relationships. In the face of all of these things, the tendency can often be to bury your head in the sand, shut yourself off to other potential partners and just muddle on without attempting to deal with the issues and build yourself up again. I'd nearly say it's akin to post-traumatic stress in a sense.

    The good thing is you're no longer shackled to her and these dreadful feelings. She's someone else's problem now. Perhaps the response you've had to seeing her again after all this time is pavlovian - you've come to associate her with this awful time in your life and your body reacted. But you're no longer there. You're safe now. You just need to figure out how you can boost your self-confidence and get comfortable and happy enough in your own skin for these random encounters to have no negative impact on you whatsoever. Time will help with that too.

    Perhaps this chance encounter is a blessing in disguise. How is your life now? Do you have good friends, close connection to family, good relationships? Busy social life? Happy in your career? What do you need that you're not getting? What can you do to feel happier?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34 greznik913


    beks101 wrote: »
    It sounds like you're over her, but not over the abuse.

    Being in an emotionally abusive relationship wreaks havoc on a person on so many fronts - your self-esteem, self-worth, self-identity, your boundaries, your confidence and your emotional capacity in future relationships. In the face of all of these things, the tendency can often be to bury your head in the sand, shut yourself off to other potential partners and just muddle on without attempting to deal with the issues and build yourself up again. I'd nearly say it's akin to post-traumatic stress in a sense.

    That s exactly whats happening. I had few chances/signs with other girls but I ignored/dismissed them all. I just cant see myself in a relationship. It has been over a year since I have been on a date (I went on a few dates just 1 month after we broke up, but it was more for distraction then anything else). I also don t think Ill be capable to let myslef emotionally connect to someone.
    From what I have posted you think that everything was bad about her/relationship, but the truth is, I have spent some of the happiest days/moments of my life at the same time while being with her. There was a period of time I felt great with her, things went smoothly and I felt she really cared for me/loved me. Im being honest. But the majority of relationship was not good.
    Its really hard for me too merge two sides of the story together her being awful to me (disregarding my needs, everything more important than me, avoiding sex for weeks but when comfronted turn things around like it bothers her too or we are both to blame, etc to the point I was asking my own sanity and doubrting myslef and my feelings and emotions . ).
    I have said it many times to myself while being with her I had some of the nicest moments/days and at the same time I wish we would never even met. How F**ed up is that?
    What pains me is when Im thinking about that she may be different to him (new guy). Everyone says the next guy is surely going through some similar or same **** I did but I dont see it that way.
    The guy she had before me was 10 years older, the guy she has now is 5 years older I just cant believe that a guy at that age (mature man) would put up with so much bull**** as I did, which leads me to think that I could be happy with her if I were different whatever that means (still don t know because she has never communicated it to me) put her on her place when acting badly, be more masculine, better in bed, etc.. you get the idea.) What haunts me is the fact I do not know why she was acting like she did to me, like for some reason she just doesn t respect/appreciate me enough. Like theres spomething about me she just doesnt like. Don t know how to put it in words. English is not my first language.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I think she picked up on your vulnerability and treated you like shït because she knew she could. Even though you said she's a narcissist you're still trying to rationalise it all. The thing is, people like your ex don't think or behave like a regular person. Her mind doesn't work like that.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I often wonder if the concept to "get over" something isn't slightly misleading. the things that really affected me (death in the family etc) I've never "gotten over", I've come to accept them and acknowledge the things I've learned from the awful feelings and experiences. They are like wounds that have healed but managed to leave a scar after them. I think it might be the same for abusive relationships. You have learned an awful lot from this relationship, even if it's just that value yourself enough to want a better one. Now you need to have the faith in the things you've learned to put them into practice in your next relationship.

    The true opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference and why would you expect to be indifferent to someone who abused you, especially so recently? The time will come when you've filled your life enough that you will be indifferent to her but it will take time but don't let that stop you from trying to experience new relationships. Emotional abuse is vile because it goes to the heart of who we are, we offer another person our love and they play with it. It is cruel, even if it's unintentional.

    I do believe people are capable of change, but it usually requires a big event or a massive effort, she's probably the same person she was with you, and you know what, that's fine. She has to live her life and you have to live yours. Her life isn't some wild thrill ride, they still sit in at home and argue about what takeaway to get or whose parents to visit on any given weekend. We all think everyone else is having a much better time of it than we are.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    I knew a person who was struggling to get over a relationship. Would constantly go on about how good the good times had been. Well, if the good outweighed the bad, they wouldn't have ended the relationship. Hell they even tried getting back together a second time and it lasted a wet weekend before they broke up again! Yet still I was hearing the same nonsense.

    Stop thinking about the good times. The good wasn't good enough. I think if you remind yourself of that it should help you to let go.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    greznik913 wrote: »
    I have said it many times to myself while being with her I had some of the nicest moments/days and at the same time I wish we would never even met. How F**ed up is that?

    Pretty normal to be honest. When you're in love, life is filled with magical moments and wonderful experiences and closeness and intimacy and all the things you remember when you're single again and struggling to move on.

    That inner conflict just shows that you're human, you loved this woman and you struggled to align that with the reality that you could never have a happy, healthy relationship with her. It takes time to process these feelings and come to the conclusion that the good could never outweigh the bad. But time is a wonderful thing. It really does heal you and bring perspective.
    greznik913 wrote: »
    The guy she had before me was 10 years older, the guy she has now is 5 years older I just cant believe that a guy at that age (mature man) would put up with so much bull**** as I did, which leads me to think that I could be happy with her if I were different whatever that means (still don t know because she has never communicated it to me) put her on her place when acting badly, be more masculine, better in bed, etc.. you get the idea.)

    This is your shattered self-esteem talking. You're basically saying 'no self-respecting guy would put up with what I put up with. I'm just a mug.'

    I've seen all sorts of wonderful, strong, successful, mature men get into all sorts of ridiculous predicaments with the wrong women. We are all a fool for love sometimes. Including myself. My twenties were all about that **** :pac: Bending over backwards for guys who would treat me as an after-thought.

    And what did I learn? Well, when his actions don't match his words, it's time to call it a day. If you're putting in more than you're getting back, move on. The right guy won't leave you in doubt. The right relationship won't stress you out. All lessons I brought with me in life until I met someone who didn't sap the energy out of me and loved the bones of me, warts and all.

    You need to watch your self-talk from now on. When you find yourself being negative and blaming yourself - stop right in your tracks. Flip what you're telling yourself. "I loved her and thought it was the right thing to do at the time. I know now that I can't live with that kind of behaviour again." We all live and learn. It's as simple as that.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12 Abetterman


    Oh just grow a pair and get over it. Whinging on boards like a prissy queen will solve nothing.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Abetterman wrote: »
    Oh just grow a pair and get over it. Whinging on boards like a prissy queen will solve nothing.

    A tone like that above simply won't be tolerated here. Go and have a good read of the charter and if you're unable to post in a civil and constructive fashion then don't post here again.


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