Over religious parents

LegacyUser

I'm 23 . Just finished uni and I have a great job that enables me to work from any where in to country with an Internet connection. I currently live in Dublin paying 1900€ pm in rent for my apartment. Overall my expenses pm total to 2300€ pm and that includes rent.

After I finished uni my parents asked me to return home which is very close to Dublin about 30 mins drive. They made a valid point that I'd be able to save for a mortgage which I want to do so that's a huge plus. Plus I'd like to close off my credit cards too. So moving home financially makes sense. They also said that I have been lost as I don't follow the faith like I should and they would like to teach me and remind me what I missed.

My problem is they are too religious . Growing up we would pray at 8am, and again before bed . Morning prayer would start at 8/9am till 10/11. Evening prayer 9pm and sometimes go on till 12. Going to church on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday and sometimes Saturday.

Growing up from when I was about 13 years old the only thought that kept me sane was the prospect of leaving the house for university. I endured this till I left for university and never looked back. I worked part time for 4 years to pay rent and bills while in uni. Visiting and never spending more than 48 hrs at the house with them.

I know that if I was to move in with them again, I would be subjected to this torture. They would start telling me when to wake up for prayer, when to eat , when I leave the house etc. If I was to stand up to them and tell them I don't agree with all this nonsense they may not take it too well. If I was to move in with them I would absolutely pay bills.

Dad doesn't work and hasn't worked for a while. He used to be a Titan in his industry but gave up his company when he 'found God' and hasn't really worked since and collects unemployment living in social housing. My mother works a little but it barely puts food on the table. I feel so bad for her as she hates her job but can't quit. I don't have a problem with religion but I have a problem with it being shoved down my throat. I love my parents, I really miss them and my siblings so much but I feel the fact that I don't want anything to do with religion and it dictating my lifestyle will drive a wedge between us.

I also have a girlfriend I have been with for 3 years+ , she's amazing we live together but hasn't met my parents because they believe premarital cohabitation is a sin and premarital sex is a sin. They also believe I need to pray and fast for God to direct me to a girl who is of the same faith as me.

I don't mind humouring them from time to time and attending service with them but I cannot keep up the facade I had when I was a teenager pretending to care about this when I don't.

Really distraught that I'm having the same problem at 23 that I did at 13 years old.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't move home, but move somewhere with cheaper rent. If you move home, what are you going to do about your gf? Where would she go?

Fakediamond

I think you already know what you have to do, and it doesn't involve moving home. Just remember how unhappy and trapped you felt when you lived there.

If you want to save, move to a cheaper place, pay off and get rid of your credit cards, you could always leave Dublin and live in a provincial town, it's cheaper, although I don't know if your girlfriend can do that? Keep the visits home to a few hours or the odd overnight. You can still love them without being involved in that aspect of their lives. When your own finances are more stable, you could give your mother a few bob, when you can.

LegacyUser

Look you are an adult and if you want to maintain any type of relationship with them you have to sit down with them and tell them how you feel about it. Tell them if you are not religious and dont want to be and ask them to respect your wishes as you do theirs.

I dont know if you were ever religious but it sounds like you were not since a young age. I think if you calmly explained this to them they might realise you were praying and going to mass to appease them while living under their roof.

You know best how the will react but if they truely practice what they preach they should respect your wishes. Once you are an adult and not living on your own the dynamic of the relationship changes and you are entitled to make your own choices.

freshpopcorn

To be fair at least your parents are fairly consistent regarding religion and if you do move home at least you know what you'll be getting yourself into, you'll just have to ask yourself could you live with it!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Don't move home, but move somewhere with cheaper rent. If you move home, what are you going to do about your gf? Where would she go?

She has a room waiting for her in her sisters in ballsbridge so she's fine .
I am currently about 4K in the red. Now we are both done uni we want to get a home and go on some holidays . But I cannot justify paying for a holiday while in debt. She understands my situation and is ready to live apart. I'd still see her 2-3 days per week. So it's all good.

lazybones32

Would it be possible to rent outside of Dublin and commute in, or would the savings in rent be lost in other areas?

Maybe talk to them before deciding: say that if you are to move in again, you'll happily pay your fair share but you won't be taking part in the prayers, etc. If they are okay with that you could give it a shot. Then again, no sleepover for you and gf while you're at home (and a pair of boxing gloves sellotaped on every night to stop you 'going blind')

Even if you could do it for a few months and still save what you are currently paying on rent, you'd have a very nice sum by Xmas.

LegacyUser

lazybones32 wrote: »

Would it be possible to rent outside of Dublin and commute in, or would the savings in rent be lost in other areas?

Maybe talk to them before deciding: say that if you are to move in again, you'll happily pay your fair share but you won't be taking part in the prayers, etc. If they are okay with that you could give it a shot. Then again, no sleepover for you and gf while you're at home (and a pair of boxing gloves sellotaped on every night to stop you 'going blind')

Even if you could do it for a few months and still save what you are currently paying on rent, you'd have a very nice sum by Xmas.

I love Dublin city tbh so any other county is not an option. And I also work from home and if I need to travel my company pays for it, so every cent in theory would be saved. My calculations have shown I'm currently 4500€ in the red . If I live at home I can clear that off in 2 months. My girlfriend and I have talked and we want to have 100k saved for a mortgage, if I moved home i could have my part saved in less than 2 years. So that is really the only attractive part of this whole situation.

As for my lady I'd stay with her Friday to Sunday so it should be fine

Ursus Horribilis

Even aside from the religious angle in this story, I'm not sure this could ever end well for you. I get the impression that your parents haven't redrawn the boundaries when it comes to how they relate to you as an adult. Would you even be able to sit down and watch the TV in peace? Or stay out late without having mammy asking you where you'd been and who you'd been with.

Certainly you'd save money if you moved home but at what cost? At the moment you've got a workable relationship with your parents and it's helped along in no small part by having somewhere else to go. Unlike some people who've suggested that you explain the situation, I'm not so sure that'd work. Whatever strand of religious observance your parents subscribe to, it's far more evangelical and intrusive than the norm.

Would you think about moving into a house share? It's not ideal of course but seeing as the object of this exercise is to save money, it might be worth the sort-term pain?

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

Even aside from the religious angle in this story, I'm not sure this could ever end well for you. I get the impression that your parents haven't redrawn the boundaries when it comes to how they relate to you as an adult. Would you even be able to sit down and watch the TV in peace? Or stay out late without having mammy asking you where you'd been and who you'd been with.

Certainly you'd save money if you moved home but at what cost? At the moment you've got a workable relationship with your parents and it's helped along in no small part by having somewhere else to go. Unlike some people who've suggested that you explain the situation, I'm not so sure that'd work. Whatever strand of religious observance your parents subscribe to, it's far more evangelical and intrusive than the norm.

Would you think about moving into a house share? It's not ideal of course but seeing as the object of this exercise is to save money, it might be worth the sort-term pain?

I totally see where you're coming from. My mother is fine tbh, the problem is dad. He is a complete fanatic in my opinion. When I was 15/16 years old on Christmas Day at morning prayer we were praying about 9am, before my siblings opened their presents ( I'm the oldest) I got nothing that year(or any years after).

During prayer its considered disrespectful to God to open your eyes . Our family friend knocked on the door and rang the bell. And he came to the window to peak in and I looked at him and he saw me. After prayer he came in and laughed about it and said I should have let him in. After he left I got about 15 lashes of the belt off my father. I don't think I have ever hated someone more than I did at that moment.

I definitely don't have a workable relationship with my parents. They know nothing about my life and how I live it. As far as they are concerned I live alone, I am single and go to a church here at least once a week.

Reality I work, I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, and also smoke a little pot every now and again. And I most definitely do not go to church. I live with a girl I love and we regularly engage in premarital sex. I am painfully embarrassed of the way they think and behave tbh. But I love them both, even though they have never actually uttered the words.

A house share would be great however I'd love to have this amount gathered in 2/3 years . And I'd need to pay like 200/300€ rent pm which is hard to find .

Ursus Horribilis

That being the case, the only thing I can suggest to you is to move home for the short term and clear that debt. Make arrangements to spend as little time as possible under your parent's roof. Then move out. Surely even with Dublin rents the way they are, there *has* to be somewhere cheaper to rent than the €1,900 you've been shelling out. Could you and your girlfriend not go live in a shoebox apartment somewhere? Or move out to somewhere that's on a commuter route.

Dee01

I honestly don't know why you would even consider moving home op. Money is not everything and 4 years happily saving living as a fully grown man, as apposed to two years of hell is a complete no brainier for me. Get a house share with the g/f if possible and just take a little longer to save.

Also, if you plan to spend the rest of your life with this woman, your parents will have to know at some point.

Big Bag of Chips

So, as it stands, your parents know nothing about your life and you like that. Yet you believe moving back in with them for 2 years is workable? It won't work. It will be "their house, their rules" and you will end up despising them.

The more you post the more terrible an idea it sounds. They don't even know you have a gf of 3 years! You're only 23. Your head is full of ideologies. You have plans that involve saving a truck load of money, but at what personal cost? I can't see this ending well. I believe you'd be much better off finding somewhere cheaper to live.

But it seems like your mind is already made up.

Meauldsegosha

Axecapital wrote: »

They also said that I have been lost as I don't follow the faith like I should and they would like to teach me and remind me what I missed.

Read this and then read it ten times more. Your parents have already told you what it will be like when you move home. It will be as it was before you left of university. Do you think you can put up with that for a few years.

I agree with the other posters, find somewhere cheaper or a houseshare.

matrim

OP what happens the first time you don't do something your parents want? You move home and decide to go visit your GF on a Wednesday when they think you should be at mass. Does you father try to take out his belt again? Or this time do they try to use emotional abuse?

You mention younger siblings does your father hit them?

ibarelycare

Why are you paying €1,900 p/m rent on your own? You can't control your parents. You can control your finances. I know rents are through the roof at the moment but paying €1,900 is absolutely outrageous. Move into a houseshare...while maybe not ideal, I can't see how it would be worse than living with your parents.

Move in with 2/3 other people. You can cut your rent and bills to <€800 p/m, thus saving €1,500 on your current expenses. You'll have your debts paid off in a matter of months, and can then start saving.

Seems like a no-brainer to me. I don't understand why you're even considering moving back with your parents to live a life of misery. You have a good salary and plenty of options.

StanleyOllie

What jumps out at me is the fact that your parents wont meet your girlfriend. These supposed good living, religious people who are supposed to forgive and look on the world through the eyes of God. Wont meet the most important person in your life.
This is where problems will arise. Your girlfriend is going to feel terribly hurt and that she is not good enough. Your parents are going to try to steer you into the hands of someone they deem appropriate.
This religion they practice sounds very controlling and not loving. Think twice about moving home because you could lose the most important people in your life.

Ursus Horribilis

I have to say that even at current Dublin prices, what on earth were you thinking of, paying that sort of rent? As they say where I'm from, you're being "fierce good to yourself". One of my brothers rented in Dublin until a year ago and never paid anything like that for an apartment. Even the last place he rented - at this stage he was a married man with two children - was €600 cheaper than what you've been paying. And that was in a nice area on a DART line.

intheclouds

Something about this story isnt adding up.

How are you paying 1900 rent on your own when you live with your girlfriend? Is she not contributing anything?

Why would you pay that much in rent when you are straight out of college? Its an absolutely terrible financial decision for you to do that. You really need to rethink your financial outlook if the only 2 choices you see are massive rent versus living with parents to save. There IS a middle ground, simply rent a cheaper place and maintain your independence?

You open up the story saying how you have a great job and could work from anywhere with an internet connection, then a few posts later say how outside of Dublin isnt an option. So im confused tbh.

But I think youd be mad to move home. You dont need to so why would you?

Mars Bar

Why the rush for a mortgage?

Loveinapril

You would be taking a HUGE step back to move home. Even with the most chilled out parents your independence would take a hit.
Have you considered how difficult it will be to work 'from home' when your dad is there all day. When your siblings are there? What about the financial implications of your mother's low wage? You will be presured/ encouraged to contribute more than you expect and will probably made feel guilty if you protest. You will have to reengage in family life; meals, chores, church, prayers. What about when they ask you where you are going for the weekends?

It is a terrible decision. If you do go back, I would bet that you will be back out on your own in 6 months.

LegacyUser

I don't understand why you're even considering moving back in with your parents, religious or not, it makes no sense to move back with them.

Sounds like you need to plan your finances better. Your out goings each month are too high so you need to make a list of everything you are spending money on and make cuts. Rent seems to be the bulk if it's 1900pcm and your total out goings each month are 2300. I live in a really nice house in London and I don't pay anywhere near that much in rent! You could rent a three bedroom house outside of Dublin for 600 so why are you wasting so much money? It just seems like madness. It could be a very lovely place (it would want to be at that rent!) but no matter how nice it is, you're still only renting. I could understand paying that much on a mortgage if it was a place you feel in love with but it's rent.

If your long term goal OP is to buy a nice house and still afford a nice holiday or two every year then you need to find somewhere cheaper to rent even if that means looking further a field and start paying off your debt. You can't have both the over priced living space and save for a house at the same time, time to pick which is more important.

Lackey

If there are younger siblings in that house you need to ring social services and the guards

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

Something about this story isnt adding up.

How are you paying 1900 rent on your own when you live with your girlfriend? Is she not contributing anything?

Why would you pay that much in rent when you are straight out of college? Its an absolutely terrible financial decision for you to do that. You really need to rethink your financial outlook if the only 2 choices you see are massive rent versus living with parents to save. There IS a middle ground, simply rent a cheaper place and maintain your independence?

You open up the story saying how you have a great job and could work from anywhere with an internet connection, then a few posts later say how outside of Dublin isnt an option. So im confused tbh.

But I think youd be mad to move home. You dont need to so why would you?

I did get in to a keeping up with the joneses situation getting the apartment. But my lease is up soon which is why this is weighing on my mind so much right now. Right now she helps but I cover the majority of the rent for a few reasons mainly she is going back to education soon. I totally agree I've bit off more than I can chew getting the apartment. It wasn't till January that I started paying the full amount . The pressure from the mortgage is coming from her tbh. She is 3 years older and will be inheriting some money and would like to get a home.

I guess my reasoning for not wanting to leave the city is the life I have here, great friends, I still play college rugby and 5 tag on Wednesday after work. Bowling, music festivals (Devils music according to pop)

any way After the replies here and talking to a close confidant and some sleep. I have a solution that means I won't be moving in with the parents but I will leave the city. Thanks guys I appreciate the comments.

Sapphire

Plenty of us grew up with religious parents, but your father seems like his word is final in the house and you all have to do exactly what his interpretation of the faith he believes in or suffer the consequences. Why would you move back in with what was essentially a cult ran by your dad who sounds like an abusive religious fanatic?

I'm a cynic though and think that you'll not save as much as you think you will - its your income they are inviting home, not you. Your mother is broke, your dad is conveniently hiding behind his faith and not working at all. You have younger siblings so you will get tapped for cash for the school trip/ washing machine repair/ car tax. You will not be able to hoard your money for you savings when the place is crumbling around you and your mother is crying because yet another appliance has broken and your dad hasnt a notion of fixing it. You will end up dipping into your savings or being bullied by your father to hand over more and more until you are handing it all up to him at home.

Have a think about working from home and how that would realistically translate to your parents house. To most, the biggest difficulty is being able to create that work environment you need to concentrate in order to do your job. Very often you have people calling you for favours to pick up this in the chemist or that from the supermarket or that you'd happily help out around the house because you are at home. That's hard enough when you have someone who is supportive of that, but when you have a family dynamic like that, and a busy house, its very likely to not work out for you that way.

Move into a cheap house share. Work on getting your bills down to as little as possible. Start saving with your girlfriend - you will have that mortgage deposit in no time and quicker than if you are at home and having to dip into it. If you want to help out financially at home then do it with practical stuff that benefits your mother and siblings - like repairs to something or a food shop rather than cash she'd have to hand over to your dad.

You know that moving home does not benefit you in any way. Listen to that inner voice telling you that.

Ursus Horribilis

I love Dublin city tbh so any other county is not an option

I also spotted this gem from our OP. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if the weird way of seeing the world is a family trait. So he not only has been renting a ridiculously expensive apartment which he cannot afford but is unwilling to consider any option other than moving home. Most people have to compromise on where they live at some stage but often it's a short term sacrifice for a longer term benefit. Saying oooh I love Dublin City and being unwilling to consider cheaper less glamorous options is madness IMHO.

Bandana boy

Odus fell down wrote: »

. Saying oooh I love Dublin City and being unwilling to consider cheaper less glamorous options is madness IMHO.

No its not , its just a set of values that differ to yours. Easily understandable ones at that too ,and also widely held by looking at rent prices in Dublin.

daisybelle2008

Axecapital wrote: »

I love Dublin city tbh so any other county is not an option. And I also work from home and if I need to travel my company pays for it, so every cent in theory would be saved. My calculations have shown I'm currently 4500€ in the red . If I live at home I can clear that off in 2 months. My girlfriend and I have talked and we want to have 100k saved for a mortgage, if I moved home i could have my part saved in less than 2 years. So that is really the only attractive part of this whole situation.

As for my lady I'd stay with her Friday to Sunday so it should be fine

You could find a very nice apartment/house share in Bray or Greystones for less than €800 a month and still have good access to the city and Ballsbridge to your girlfriend on the dart. You'd be able to save a very decent amount. You are insane to be even considering moving back for a number of months never mind years to the situation you describe.

Birdsong

OP Definitely don't consider moving home. You say your parents don't know what your life in Dublin is, I find that is strange, you have a girlfriend of 3 years and she hasn't met your parents. When is she going to, at your wedding?

All our parents embarress us from time to time, but their our parents. Your an adult now, have an adult conversation with them and let them know your thoughts on religion in the calm manner.

Don't be in a rush to get the mortgage, just take a bit of time to enjoy life. Look at your spending and see if you can make changes

Ursus Horribilis

Axecapital wrote: »

...

I guess my reasoning for not wanting to leave the city is the life I have here, great friends, I still play college rugby and 5 tag on Wednesday after work. Bowling, music festivals (Devils music according to pop)

any way After the replies here and talking to a close confidant and some sleep. I have a solution that means I won't be moving in with the parents but I will leave the city. Thanks guys I appreciate the comments.

Glad you've sorted it. You can still enjoy these things with a bit of pre-planning

I might be reading too much into this but here's a thought that came into my head as I read this. Are you a little susceptible to getting caught up in what other people want and think? You admitted to a "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality when you mentioned the apartment. You also said that the mortgage thing is coming from your girlfriend. Maybe now is the time to step back and have a think about what it is that you want for the next couple of years.

daisybelle2008

Odus fell down wrote: »

Glad you've sorted it. You can still enjoy these things with a bit of pre-planning

I might be reading too much into this but here's a thought that came into my head as I read this. Are you a little susceptible to getting caught up in what other people want and think? You admitted to a "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality when you mentioned the apartment. You also said that the mortgage thing is coming from your girlfriend. Maybe now is the time to step back and have a think about what it is that you want for the next couple of years.

OP, I'd agree with this, you seem to be a bit suggestible and unsure of yourself. As well as above you said that you came to a decision after talking to a close friend. Seriously that you were even considering as an adult moving into that insanely dysfunctional situation is actually concerning. Your mental health has to be a bigger priority than saving a few grand. I would consider counselling, you have been through a lot, you almost might have a touch of Stockholm syndrome.

Lux23

You obviously can't move home, but why can't you move somewhere cheaper and clear your debt and then start saving for a mortgage? You can get a one bed place for €1,000 saving you nearly as much in rent. I pay €800 for a one bed and I live about a 25 minute walk from grafton street.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, a few things jumped out at me reading your posts.

1) Your parents want (expect?) you to move back home with them
2) Your girlfriend wants (expects?) you to get a mortgage with her

Never mind what everyone else wants OP. You need to decide what YOU want. At the end of the day it's YOUR life and you should be the one in control, not your parents or your girlfriend.

LegacyUser

In your position I would not move back home. The reality is that you won't save what you think at all. You father is lazy man who is hiding behind reglion when he should be working he is praying. Meanwhile your mother is trying to bring up a family with little income.
If you move back home your income will become the families income. You will pay for new the new washing machine, getting the car fixed, the school expenses ect.
Also you will be back praying, going to church and having to account for any time your not in the house.

You mentioned that your girlfreind is older than you and is due an inheritance shortly. You have been paying most of the rent where you both live at the moment. If your girlfriend is older than you why have you have been paying most of the rent on your apartment at the moment? Does she like spending money or is her job not paying a lot?

You also need to look at a house share. The reality is that within a few months of cheaper rent you could get your debits paid and then start to save for a mortgage. I would look up www.consumerhelp.ie under tools and calculators for thier budget plan.
Both you and your girlfriend need to look at both your incomes, outgoings to see where you can save money. If you want a mortage don't take on any debit like a car loan, get your credit cards paid off and as soon as you get paid every month get x amout sent stright to a savings account. Have a look on this website re savings account ect.

I would also start to think seriously about what you want say over the next 5 years. Yes we would all like to live in a nice apartment/house and shop in bt's. Some times you have to make a few scrifices to get money together for a house/holidays ect. Why are you thinking of moving back home to save a what you think will be a large amout of money within a short period of time?

Your girlfriend is getting an inheritance shortly and she wants you to come up with money to buy a house with her.

What do you want? Do you want to have a mortage when your still in your mid to late 20's or would you perfer to have a few holidays, save some money and buy a house at 30 rather than at 27 or 28. Also if your girlfriend is older than you does she want marriage/children - you need to chat to her about this also.
She might want the house, the children/ the wedding and you need to be honest with her if you don't want the same.