Feeling disillusioned with people

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am not quite sure what I am looking for, advice, people who can relate, words of wisdom...I don't know.

I'm 34 years old, in a happy marriage, love my job, I love my life really but there is one thing that has been really getting to me of late. I'm not sure quite how to articulate it but I'll give it a go. I feel like I am a good friend, I'm loyal and trustworthy etc, I'm not perfect btw but my friendships mean a lot to me, I'm an only child so friends did and do play a big part in my life.

Lately I feel let down by people a lot for want of a better phrase. I have a small group of close friends and there seems to be some sort of competition going on....We've all gotten married recently and it's like a bragging game between some, I just don't understand it or get it. It's all about getting the most likes and comments on Facebook etc, I left Facebook a few months ago because of this type of thing. Talking about people behind their backs, this kind of thing. These women are really smart, lovely women with full lives it is really getting me down that this is what it has come to.

I suppose I don't feel a loyalty from some of them, the same kind of one that I would give to them. When I am friends with someone I'm their friend 100%, I don't know if I can say the same about them. I am feeling very down over the whole thing, I know it may seem trivial but it's tiring.

Today was really annoying for me and I felt I needed to let off steam to people who don't know me, a good friend is having an event in August and it was supposed to be on a certain date. Now I was due to go away during this time and when she told me I said I would change it, involved changing booked hotel dates and so on...she didn't ask me to but I wanted to be there and she was grateful and happy. Today she tells me the date has changed and of course it happens to be the date I am away after having changed already and now I can't go.
Now look I am not unreasonable and I know she didn't ask me to change but this is important to her and I am her friend and that's why I did it but I feel the same consideration isn't and wouldn't be given to me. There was no major reason for changing the date either.

I feel like just taking a step back from all of this and giving myself a break. I feel disillusioned. Does anyone relate to this? It is hard to convey your feelings like this. Do I expect too much? Am I being too sensitive? Would appreciate all helpful opinions.

via4

I can fully relate. There are people like us who will bend over backwards to help others and are always thoughtful and kind. But over the years I too have gotten disillusioned as I never get the same in return. I have been told I'm too sensitive and I expect too much. I would never ask ppl for a favour but my phone was hopping every weekend for the last few weeks and dopey me was doing favours for everyone. I don't like putting people out by asking a favour but I needed a small favour and two people offered to help without me asking so I thought great a little moral support for once. Of course I was let down. They weren't doing anything to give me a good reason why they just changed their minds.
The advice I would give is before you bend over backwards for people stop and ask yourself would they do it for me...to be honest it's horrible having to think like that but it's better than being used by people. I have had peace over the last few months as I am not running around after ppl anymore.
God your friends sound like they got married just to put up the photos on Fb. You did the right thing going off it....think il delete mine tomorrow actually ha....it's nonsense really isn't it so fake....yes do take a step back from everything....I feel the better for it so maybe you will too...I have a friend in an extremely vulnerable situation at the moment and I am helping them as they were the only ones that was there for me in the past so we are in contact a lot...but when this person is back on their feet they will be straight back chasing after the ppl that have turned their backs on him....I can see it happening and the calls will stop and I will be last on the list again....that's how it goes I guess....I have learned to not rely on ppl n always have a plan b...but 99 percent of the time my plans only involve me as i know I can get up n go n not have to get let down as much...totally understand ppl have lives n things come up but some ppl don't care if they let others down just for the sake of it

PLL

I can really relate too. I've been crying this evening about it, so atm I don't think I can share much advice. Just know you're not the only one. Hope others can offer you some advice.

via4

Pll I'm sorry to hear you were crying. Do you want to talk about it xx

via4

On this not through pm as that is not allowed by mods in case there is a confusion there sorry xx

Keane2baMused

I can totally relate. I have been there and am there.

It seems ye are not alone!

LegacyUser

It's a lesson I've learned in recent years. People are, in the main, out for themselves.
While I don't believe I was ever a walkover, I was the one always instigating contact. I was always the one enquiring as to how people were doing, suggesting and organising coffees or meet ups.
Then I got really sick. My "best" friend never bothered to visit me in hospital. Neither did they visit me when I got home. Again, it was down to me to text or call and ask if they'd like to meet up for a chat.
I'm tired of it now. I have a young family and work full time so the very limited time I have to myself is very precious. I've decided to focus on me, just like everyone else is appearing to do. The way I see it now is that if someone is truly bothered in maintaining a friendship they'll make an effort.
And the ones who have been bothered are the one I go out of my way for.

December2012

are you hurt because your friend changed the date without considering you? I think that's a bit much to be honest, a person should, in the main, suit themselves. You can't complain about somebody doing that.

Putting yourself first doesn't mean a person is a bad friend.

Don't offer so much if you're not happy when you don't get it back.

lazybones32

Don't dwell too much on the FB thing - it's a phase. In a few more years, there'll be a different type of competition... about whose life is harder; whose hubby cares less; who's taken for granted more; whose mother-in-law is a bigger cow etc;. FB is far from reality so don't let such superficiality get you down or upset. It's more projecting how they want to be perceived imo.

You don't feel loyalty from some? Maybe so. Just because someone doesn't show you that you're a valuable friend in the way you want to be shown, or in the way you'd show it, doesn't mean you're unimportant or less loved. People have their own way of showing it. I doubt you are looking for grand gestures but if you need frequent reassurances there could be something to look at there. Friends take friends for granted a lot of the time and maybe you feel love for your friends more intensely than they do. That's definitely not a bad thing but don't expect to be shown it in the same degree.

Take your own advice and take a step back. Set boundaries to what you will and won't do for your friends. Would you ask a friend to rearrange their plans like you did? You did it of your own accord and feel used when your sacrifice wasn't appreciated and now you find yourself exhausted and disillusioned. You've set standards that are wearing you out and making you think that others don't care for you. Lower the bar...for yourself and them.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately op as you get older you come to realise that this is the way that the majority of people are, most are out for themselves and suit themselves. There are very few genuine loyal people in this life, but if you do even find one or two really genuine friends in this life you are doing well and cherish them.

As a lot of people have said take a step back and as cold as it may sound, suit yourself, don't overly invest in people who won't do the same for you.

Even a small example lately, I celebrated my 30th birthday and a lot of my friends didn't even bother to turn up and have not even given me a card/present to mark my birthday. It's not that I'd necessarily want a present, but it's the thought! Especially as I would have made it my business to call out to them with presents for engagements, newborn babies, I would have given generous cash gifts for their weddings etc yet they couldn't even be bothered to get me as much as a card to mark my 30th!

I've haven't taken it to heart too much, cos thats the way a lot of people are!!

B.A._Baracus

Disillusionedwithpeople,
You are just wisening up to the harsh facts of people. It's ok as we've all come to that same point in our lives.


Sad fact is people are as*holes.

LegacyUser

Thing is though, not everyone wants the same things from a friendship. Personally, while I wouldn't doubt your good intentions for a second, I'd feel quite smothered by what you describe OP.

You weren't asked to change your holiday plans for your friends event - you chose to. So I don't think you get to give out about the date being changed, or you not being consulted about it. I'm not sure if this running around with people might be the same, do you just decide to do that off your own bat, or are they things people ask you to do. I wouldn't be entitled comfortable with someone inserting themselves into my life that much, unless I'd ask for their help.

Not running you down at all, but people are different OP! In their minds, you could be overstepping the mark.

Lollipops23

I can empathise- sometimes it takes some serious sh*t hitting the fan to make you realise who your friends are.

I was diagnosed with MS last year and I found out fast who I could count on. The ones who didn't call or text to see how I was were cut out pretty quickly. I literally don't have space in my life for that crap anymore.

It's a terrible thing to say, but I feel lighter after trimming the fat. I suggest you do something similar.

intheclouds

I can totally empathise. Especially on the competition thing. I had female friends who suddenly started behaving as though my life was less worthwhile because I dont have children and they do. Mostly just not being able to count on people.

Milly33

As MJ said OP" you are not alone"... It is a very hard and dis-hearting thing to realise but it isn't uncommon... I used to bend over backwards for people and one friend in particular, because I wanted to now, not that they asked me too. But I found growing up that certain people just don't think the same or they value their own company or lives more than they value being there for you.. For me a friend is a friend and Ill be there at the drop of a hat, but some people think this only applied to you and they can use and abuse as they want.

It is really horrible to come to this realisation and a total bummer, but you must accept it..

Be grateful that you have realised it and knowing that you are not like this, and spend more time thinking about you more.. It is very odd at the start when you do this, you'll be like but I cant just do what I want to do, but you can. Lets say with plans like you say, be sure and say right I am doing this and that, and tell others your plans and if they decide to do something else let them... Don't think you are bad because you cannot be there, think right sure that's it I wont make it.