Mum has cancer-how do I cope?

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My mum was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer last Monday. Primary not yet known. We have a long road ahead but its only today reality set in. She came home yesterday after a biopsy and is in a of pain physically and emotionally so I have taken over caring for her at home but already Im drained and so depressed. I know I sound selfish but trust me I dont care about what I need to do as I will do it.

Its just all of a sudden I have no interest in anything. I used to love getting glammed up and going out but I have zero interest and couldnt think of anything worse. I just dont want to talk to anybody. I have good family support and my best friend is brilliant but my bf not so much. He knows all about it but hasnt even text or called me today which I feel let down about. I know he probably doesnt know what to say/do but a few words would lift the mood.

This is not about me but Im wondering how Im going to cope with it all ie. the chemo sessions etc. and how can I help her cope when shes convinced shes never going to recover

Ursus Horribilis

Oh dear, I am so so sorry to read this. What dreadful news and what a bombshell to be visited on you all.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You only got this news on Monday. That's only a few days ago and a very very short space of time in which to process all that has happened to you. Your head is going to be seriously messed up for a while and your mood is going to be bouncing all over the place - there's no point in saying otherwise. So don't be hard on yourself if you don't want to get glammed up or talk to anyone just now.

When it comes to other people, you'll find that some are brilliant and will come out of the woodwork to help. Others will go missing. That's the way these things happen.

While I said it's OK for you not to want to talk to anyone just now, please don't completely shut up shop. Give it a few days and see how you feel then. Maybe you'll feel better able to talk to someone at that stage. Did the hospital give you contact details for the Irish Cancer Society or anyone like that? Would you think about giving them a call when you feel up to it?

For now, don't even think about the chemo sessions or helping your mum to cope. Take things one step at a time. Your mum will be processing this information in her own way and will make it to a different place mentally. What you'll also find is that when the time comes to start doing the sessions, you'll move into a different mode and you'll get through it.

sullivlo

ideos wrote: »

My mum was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer last Monday. Primary not yet known. We have a long road ahead but its only today reality set in. She came home yesterday after a biopsy and is in a of pain physically and emotionally so I have taken over caring for her at home but already Im drained and so depressed. I know I sound selfish but trust me I dont care about what I need to do as I will do it.

Firstly, I am sorry to hear of your moms diagnosis. My aunt had a huge role in my upbringing and she was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. Unfortunately she lost her battle (stage 4 at diagnosis), so while I can't say I know how you feel, I can empathise with your situation.

You have absolutely every right to feel drained and depressed. You need to make some time for you for some R&R - let your mom rest for a few hours and go for a walk / coffee / drive. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint - you're gonna have lots of ups and downs over the next few weeks, months, years. Pace yourself.

Its just all of a sudden I have no interest in anything. I used to love getting glammed up and going out but I have zero interest and couldnt think of anything worse. I just dont want to talk to anybody. I have good family support and my best friend is brilliant but my bf not so much. He knows all about it but hasnt even text or called me today which I feel let down about. I know he probably doesnt know what to say/do but a few words would lift the mood.

It's expected that you'll feel low. It's a major diagnosis only days ago, with so much still uncertain. But try not to excommunicate yourself from everyone. Try and maintain some level of normality in your life.

And unfortunately you're just gonna have to tell your boyfriend what you need or want from him. He probably thinks you want space. He might need a gentle reminder.

This is not about me but Im wondering how Im going to cope with it all ie. the chemo sessions etc. and how can I help her cope when shes convinced shes never going to recover

Where are you based? There are lots of cancer support services that offer support and counselling and activities for patients and their families. Could be worth checking out.

I wish you all the best.

ideos

Odus fell down wrote: »

Oh dear, I am so so sorry to read this. What dreadful news and what a bombshell to be visited on you all.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You only got this news on Monday. That's only a few days ago and a very very short space of time in which to process all that has happened to you. Your head is going to be seriously messed up for a while and your mood is going to be bouncing all over the place - there's no point in saying otherwise. So don't be hard on yourself if you don't want to get glammed up or talk to anyone just now.

When it comes to other people, you'll find that some are brilliant and will come out of the woodwork to help. Others will go missing. That's the way these things happen.

While I said it's OK for you not to want to talk to anyone just now, please don't completely shut up shop. Give it a few days and see how you feel then. Maybe you'll feel better able to talk to someone at that stage. Did the hospital give you contact details for the Irish Cancer Society or anyone like that? Would you think about giving them a call when you feel up to it?

For now, don't even think about the chemo sessions or helping your mum to cope. Take things one step at a time. Your mum will be processing this information in her own way and will make it to a different place mentally. What you'll also find is that when the time comes to start doing the sessions, you'll move into a different mode and you'll get through it.

Thank you for replying. I feel like its only now its all sinking in.. all week I was in denial but now I can see a clearer picture for the future ahead. Hopefully after a few days things will settle down and I will adapt to the situation. I feel like im selfish in a way for complaining when Im not the one going through it.
No they didnt actually - good point. I am aware of them so I will contact them over the coming days to try answer some questions.
Your right though we have no idea of chemo sessions just yet so we will take them one step at a time.
It is only now since Monday I have truly realised the full meaning of what it means to be there for someone and identified the true blues. My best friend traveled 2 hours just to be there this weekend. In comparisson my bf didnt even send a text to see if I was ok which is making me strongly reconsider things with him. If hes like this now what will he be like down the line

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sullivlo wrote: »

Firstly, I am sorry to hear of your moms diagnosis. My aunt had a huge role in my upbringing and she was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. Unfortunately she lost her battle (stage 4 at diagnosis), so while I can't say I know how you feel, I can empathise with your situation.

Thank you for your response and I am sorry to hear about your aunt. We dont have a staging yet as they are still trying to find the primary source so hopefully find out next week. I am in the west so Im aware of different services and will definitely avail going forward

The Princess Bride

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis ideos.
No words are gonna make this any easier, it's just an absolute nightmare for any family.

May I suggest, if you feel up to it, writing out a list of any questions you might have and bringing them to your mum's next appointment.
Also contacting the Irish Cancer Society www.cancer.ie , lots of information and literature available. Or you can speak to a specialist nurse who'll take the time to answer any of your questions. I don't know where you are in the west exactly, but there is a Daffodil centre in UCHG which provides this service.


About your boyfriend.
So many people just haven't a clue how to react when they hear news like this.
You know him better than any of us so I'm not going to judge.
But your priority now is your family and yourself, so please take care and mind yourself as best you can.