Can't believe boyfriend said this

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

Hoping someone can help on something that's really been bothering me.

Been with boyfriend for nearly 6 years and we're getting married soon. We've a good sex life, he's nice to me, very loving, generally a very good boyfriend and I'm very happy. He always treats me respectfully.

The other day I heard him on the phone to one of his best friends - a single guy, massive player, always talking about women etc. I overheard him refer to another friends girlfriend - he called her 'savage looking' and that she was a filthy wet dream. I obviously couldnt hear the response from his friend, but the next thing my boyfriend said was 'filthy slut, gorgeous'.

I can't get these words out of my head - that my respectful (to me!) boyfriend could a. speak like this - it's not something I've ever heard before coming from him and b. is he lacking something with me? He never calls me hot, sexy (filthy!). He says things like 'you look pretty' etc - but definitely missing that sort of context I overheard.

Looking for some advice as my head is a bit addled and I can't think clearly on it - is this just lads talk or am I right to be worried/offended?

Stan27

Prob just lad talk to be honest.

elfy4eva

Would agree lad talk, machismo. Wouldn't over think it if that's the only thing he's done. Certainly not tasteful of him to do it in earshot of you but dont see it as a big deal.

LegacyUser

What are you questioning, the fact that he talks about other women like that, or the fact that he doesn't talk to or about you like that?

retro:electro

Hmmm I dono. Others will dismiss it as "lad talk" but I would not be happy overhearing my boyfriend call anyone a "filthy slut", let alone a girlfriend of his friend that he will be seeing on a regular occurrence. It's very degrading and just a disgusting way to describe someone. Maybe you should talk to him and tell him you overheard?

racso1975

worried_gf wrote: »

Hi everyone

Hoping someone can help on something that's really been bothering me.

Been with boyfriend for nearly 6 years and we're getting married soon. We've a good sex life, he's nice to me, very loving, generally a very good boyfriend and I'm very happy. He always treats me respectfully.

The other day I heard him on the phone to one of his best friends - a single guy, massive player, always talking about women etc. I overheard him refer to another friends girlfriend - he called her 'savage looking' and that she was a filthy wet dream. I obviously couldnt hear the response from his friend, but the next thing my boyfriend said was 'filthy slut, gorgeous'.

I can't get these words out of my head - that my respectful (to me!) boyfriend could a. speak like this - it's not something I've ever heard before coming from him and b. is he lacking something with me? He never calls me hot, sexy (filthy!). He says things like 'you look pretty' etc - but definitely missing that sort of context I overheard.

Looking for some advice as my head is a bit addled and I can't think clearly on it - is this just lads talk or am I right to be worried/offended?

As a male I will try to answer this as best as possible from the little I know about us and hopefully not generalizing. There are a cohort of "lads" who feel the need to talk about women, in that tone highlighted above, to each other. For what ever fuked up reason I don't know or get it. The way he talks to you is what he probably considers to be a very respectful way. He probably imagines being called filthy or slutty to be hugely disrespectful and may offend you.


If it is the case you would like him to be more expressive in his compliments then talk to him about it. I would prob be inclined to tell him you are not happy about him talking about women in that derogatory fashion. He needs to consider how you may feel next time you are all out and in the company of this girl.

As I said at the crux of it, it is just lad banter. (that's not to justify it in any sense)

Theres a couple of things at play here.

1. Its not fair or reasonable to expect to control how your boyfriend speaks in every context and setting, particularly if he wasnt aware you were listening. And very particularly talking in a specifically laddish context. If you know he wouldnt normally speak like this then you must realise that he's taking into account who he's talking to, and when, when he speaks. We all do this. If youre trying to decide whether or not to take offence based on something he said to someone else not about you and not meant to be heard by you.........imo you'd be looking for an excuse to take offence.

2. Its fair enough if you overhear evidence that hes actually done, or is planning to do, something that would harm your relationship. Otherwise I genuinely think this isnt something to concern you, as in its not really anything to do with you. If my better half started telling me how to talk to my mates we'd be having a talk about boundaries between adults in a relationship. Granted if she'd overheard me talking to someone like that I'd be embarrassed.

3. I cant really tell from your post, but was part of your worry that he *doesnt* ever talk about you this way?! You could always ask him to, but i wouldnt feel insecure that he wants filthy sluts in his life and is desperate to have this need fulfilled juat on that basis of one overheard remark.

TLDR- you'll often hear things that surprise you when overhearing conversations. And we're different people in different situations. Nothing to worry about here imo.

pinkyx

OP I wouldn't want to go out with anyone who spoke about women like that. Many people would disagree with me on this and say it's no big deal, lads talk etc but personally I hate misogyny and people being disrespectful to women and I don't accept that kind of talk around me. I know people with say 'it was a joke' 'lads banter' etc and that's true but I don't feel it's acceptable even as a joke to talk like that, so many of the most harmful things are said under the guise of humour. You need to decide where your own line is on this and whether or not this is over it.

You can't 'control' what your boyfriend says when he is with other people and you shouldn't want to. But you can reassess the relationship on the basis of something you have overheard.

If I was you I would also be concerned about the lack of consistency in his behaviour here, if he is the kind of person who would never say anything like this, when he is with you and a different person when he is with someone else I would wonder if I really knew who he was. I know people behave differently around different crowds but some people are whoever the people present want them to be and these people have little genuine character of their own in my opinion. I am not saying your boyfriend falls into this category but it's not a great sign.

Emme

I think your boyfriend will always be respectful to you and treat you well because in his eyes you are a "good" girl, "wife material" and he probably puts you on a pedestal.

He might see the girl he was talking about as somebody he would have fun with if he were single but he wouldn't be interested in a long-term relationship with her.

My advice is thank your lucky stars you have found somebody who is respectful to you and treats you well. Let him have his lads banter as long as he isn't disrespecting you. His best friend will probably meet somebody like you some day and he will more than likely treat her with the respect your boyfriend treats you.

Maybe your boyfriend was a player before he met you and settled down.

Augme

Your boyfriend is basically saying that he thinks the friends girlfriend is hot and would be good in bed. I'd find it hard to believe there isn't a male out there who hasn't either said something similar or thought something similar.

LegacyUser

No it probably wasn't nice to hear. I would hate to hear my boyfriend talk about a woman he knows like that. How weird is it going to be when you're with your boyfriend and that woman is there or you see a picture of her knowing your boyfriend thinks that about her? 'Lads banter' etc etc means nothing! They are words he said and meant. I personally would not be with someone like that, but be honest with yourself is that the first time you have heard him ever ever talking about another woman like that or even using the words 'savage', etc because if he does usually use that word then it shouldn't be a surprise he talked like that to this particular person. I totally understand though why you can't seem to unhear or get the words out of your head when you say he has Never talked like that before, it would be very disconcerting indeed.

leggo

Yeah I don't know what's really worrying you here. Like someone else asked: is it the respect thing or is it wanting to be described in these terms?

I also wouldn't worry if there's anything more to it. For a start: he said it while it was possible for you to hear. If it was something he'd be really worried about you hearing, he probably would've hidden it a bit better. It's how lads can talk to each other sometimes. He could be just talking that way because that's how his mate talks. It's like, if I hear a taxi driver being racist, I'm not gonna agree with him and waste my time trying to change his views in a 10-minute cab journey (when I never will), I'll just say whatever words get me out of this conversation I'm not really comfortable with in the most pleasant way possible. Maybe his mate is a bit misogynist and he's just going along with it for the sake of the conversation, if it seems really out of character to you. People in relationships can also live vicariously through their single mates at times. It's perfectly normal. I've a pair of friends who are a long-term couple and they get all their single kicks out whenever I'm single too, trying to set me up, helping me texting people etc. It's just a bit of a laugh really.

As for if you're not 'satisfying' him, that sounds like insecurities more than anything else, there's no indication from anything you said that that's the case. Keep in mind, most lads would never marry, settle down with or respect someone they'd describe as a 'filthy slut'. So that's probably not what he's looking for. You could always use it as a positive and try sexy it up for him sometime, if you really wanted, and see if it makes things more fun and exciting for you guys.

As most have said, though, there's nothing really strange here.

omahaid

pinkyx wrote: »

OP I wouldn't want to go out with anyone who spoke about women like that. Many people would disagree with me on this and say it's no big deal, lads talk etc but personally I hate misogyny and people being disrespectful to women and I don't accept that kind of talk around me. I know people with say 'it was a joke' 'lads banter' etc and that's true but I don't feel it's acceptable even as a joke to talk like that, so many of the most harmful things are said under the guise of humour. You need to decide where your own line is on this and whether or not this is over it.

You can't 'control' what your boyfriend says when he is with other people and you shouldn't want to. But you can reassess the relationship on the basis of something you have overheard.

If I was you I would also be concerned about the lack of consistency in his behaviour here, if he is the kind of person who would never say anything like this, when he is with you and a different person when he is with someone else I would wonder if I really knew who he was. I know people behave differently around different crowds but some people are whoever the people present want them to be and these people have little genuine character of their own in my opinion. I am not saying your boyfriend falls into this category but it's not a great sign.

Is this real advice?

Dolbert

I wonder if the OP had overheard her boyfriend using racist language as "banter", would the responses be different? Or is it grand as long as it's just women he's being horrible about?

OP, you're entitled to ask him about this. I'd be weirded out frankly, lad talk be damned.

Ignatius in bloom

People who speak like that about someone else are lowlifes! Sorry that's my opinion and who is to say you are not being spoke about like that by his friends and think how that would make you feel? When I hear men speak like this I just think desperate sleazy creep!

FortySeven

What planet do you people live on? Ffs. Take offence at something worthwhile. Not saying op was eavesdropping but this is exactly why it is not recommended.

Some of you need to realise that your life does not reflect others. There is a large section of society that do not subscribe to this 'musn't offend anyone ' claptrap.

I spend my day offending my coworkers and they do the same to me. If you are offended by this story then you would be crying in 5 minutes amongst the 40 or so quite normal people that I work with. Get out more. This is just lads talk. It might be a bit derogatory but it is a private conversation.

True enough you never hear women do it about men. /sarc

Let me translate. Slut. One who will be a filthy goer in bed. They exist, they're great fun and yes. Us men dream of them. We talk about them and given half a chance we'll have sex with them.

As long as we are single of course.

frostyjacks

Just two red-blooded men shooting the breeze, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. It would come across as controlling, thought-police type behaviour if you pulled him up on it.

leggo

I'm gonna be honest here too, if my girlfriend pulled me up on what I said in a conversation with my mates, I'd probably examine the relationship myself. Essentially the extent of his crimes amounts to him saying "phwaaaoooorrr", which is about as natural as it gets. I empathise with the OP, but people telling her to re-examine 6 years worth of a good relationship over this...are you mental?!

KikiDee

I do empathise with you OP but just want to add to the discussion that when me and my girlfriends are together and we see a good looking chap, at least 2, if not more of us will make some comment among ourselves. The comment will be along the lines of 'fine thing', 'he's a ride', 'wouldn't kick him out of bed for spilling crisps' sort of thing. Is this not the same? I understand the term 'slut' can be seen as derogatory but in this context, I don't think it was meant as such.

batmanrobin

KikiDee wrote: »

I do empathise with you OP but just want to add to the discussion that when me and my girlfriends are together and we see a good looking chap, at least 2, if not more of us will make some comment among ourselves. The comment will be along the lines of 'fine thing', 'he's a ride', 'wouldn't kick him out of bed for spilling crisps' sort of thing. Is this not the same? I understand the term 'slut' can be seen as derogatory but in this context, I don't think it was meant as such.

No, it's not really the same thing. Had he stopped at calling her savage, that would have been fine and along the lines of a woman saying "he's such a ride". Referring to a woman as slut and filthy... Well, we know what he means by those words. Basically she's good for a f*ck and that's it. He wouldn't be bringing her home. That's the mentality that goes with talk like that. That's why it's wrong.

If it was my bf, I'd have a big problem with him talking about a woman like that. It wouldn't be him finding her good looking. It's the words he's using. Slut is to a woman what n*gger is to a person of colour. It's the negative connotation that comes with those words.

KikiDee

batmanrobin wrote: »

No, it's not really the same thing. Had he stopped at calling her savage, that would have been fine and along the lines of a woman saying "he's such a ride". Referring to a woman as slut and filthy... Well, we know what he means by those words. Basically she's good for a f*ck and that's it. He wouldn't be bringing her home. That's the mentality that goes with talk like that. That's why it's wrong.

I appreciate where you're coming from completely on this but I personally wouldn't see it in this way, given the context of the conversation the bf was having.

eviltwin

A bit of banter is fine but the use of the word slut bothers me, it would bother most women I think and maybe it's time we were vocal about that. As Dolbert said if he was using racist language it wouldn't be tolerated. Why should this be any different? If I heard my son use that word he'd get a clatter. Why would I tolerate that from an adult?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I wouldn't read too much into it, I can't be the only one who has close friends where if anyone overheard our private conversations we'd sound like psychopaths or sexual predators? Not a reflection of anything other than that we've built up a sort of vernacular over the years, have a similar sense of humour and have no filter because we know each other so well. The details of the conversation OP heard seem to me like two lads who were more talking about their mutual friend indirectly than anything.

If there's no other indication, and there doesn't seem to be, that he's a misogynist or doesn't respect women, then I don't think you should blow it out of proportion, though I see it would be unpleasant to hear.

And I really don't think I could look a black person in the eye and say "oh yeah I totally get what it's like to be called a n*gger coz I got called a slut" I feel icky just typing it tbh

batmanrobin

Cayson Miniature Cube wrote: »

And I really don't think I could look a black person in the eye and say "oh yeah I totally get what it's like to be called a n*gger coz I got called a slut" I feel icky just typing it tbh

You have to look at the history behind the word. Look at what stands behind n*gger and look at what stands behind words like slut and whore. The words were and still are used to demean & lessen, the people they're directed against.

There's banter and there's calling someone a ride, but calling someone a filthy slut is bad form. He doesn't know this woman and he has no right to speak of her in such a manner.

Augme

I don't really get the racism connection, it's going a bit OTT. But again I think people need to realise that using offensive words happens in a huge amount of private conversations, especially amongst men. ******, queer, gay, retard, slut, cock-sucker, bender are just of a few examples of words that are used very often within groups of guys. Now they very rarely are used in the literal sense. There'll even be mildly racist comments.

PressRun

The likely reason for him not using that language around you is because he sees you as "respectable", or perhaps more deserving of respect, and the friend's girlfriend as not, so therefore it's 'fine' to call yer man's girlfriend a slut, but not you. Tbh, I've seen a similar mentality in plenty of men - "Other women are sluts, but not my girlfriend" kind of thing. Would make me wonder about their views on women generally.

And to be fair, there is a difference between calling someone "a ride" and calling someone a slut. The first one is fairly harmless, the other is a derogatory term intended to disrespect the person it's being used against, and the people who use it know exactly what they're saying and why they're saying it, in my experience.

Ignatius in bloom

FortySeven wrote: »

What planet do you people live on? Ffs. Take offence at something worthwhile. Not saying op was eavesdropping but this is exactly why it is not recommended.

Some of you need to realise that your life does not reflect others. There is a large section of society that do not subscribe to this 'musn't offend anyone ' claptrap.

I spend my day offending my coworkers and they do the same to me. If you are offended by this story then you would be crying in 5 minutes amongst the 40 or so quite normal people that I work with. Get out more. This is just lads talk. It might be a bit derogatory but it is a private conversation.

True enough you never hear women do it about men. /sarc

Let me translate. Slut. One who will be a filthy goer in bed. They exist, they're great fun and yes. Us men dream of them. We talk about them and given half a chance we'll have sex with them.

As long as we are single of course.

Calling someone a filthy slut is cool? Just banter? What planet do you live on?

SeaBreezes

Hey OP,

First, dont listen to other peoples conversations, not cool.

But I agree with you, the language he used made you uncomfortable. Yes it makes me uncomfortable too. I would not like to think he was talking about my sister/friend/anybody in such an objective manner.

If he had used racist/religious language, the outrage would be immediate.

Unfortunately for you though, you overheard a conversation not meant for you. So you cant say anything without being on the backfoot.
I would use this information though to open your eyes.
Learn from it. Watch his behaviours, Is he really this person?
Does he really feel this way?

mrsdewinter

Emme wrote: »

I think your boyfriend will always be respectful to you and treat you well because in his eyes you are a "good" girl, "wife material" and he probably puts you on a pedestal.

He might see the girl he was talking about as somebody he would have fun with if he were single but he wouldn't be interested in a long-term relationship with her.

My advice is thank your lucky stars you have found somebody who is respectful to you and treats you well. Let him have his lads banter as long as he isn't disrespecting you. His best friend will probably meet somebody like you some day and he will more than likely treat her with the respect your boyfriend treats you.

Maybe your boyfriend was a player before he met you and settled down.

Could some man please address the issues raised here, as this pretty much reflects the advice handed down to us from our mothers/older sisters over the past 3 decades.

Putting my '21st century woman' hat on, I'm disgusted to think that men go around categorising women as either 'nice girls I'd bring home to Mam' or 'hot sluts I'd sh4g but never marry'.

Am I being naive??

retro:electro

FortySeven wrote: »

What planet do you people live on? Ffs. Take offence at something worthwhile. Not saying op was eavesdropping but this is exactly why it is not recommended.

Some of you need to realise that your life does not reflect others. There is a large section of society that do not subscribe to this 'musn't offend anyone ' claptrap.

I spend my day offending my coworkers and they do the same to me. If you are offended by this story then you would be crying in 5 minutes amongst the 40 or so quite normal people that I work with. Get out more. This is just lads talk. It might be a bit derogatory but it is a private conversation.

True enough you never hear women do it about men. /sarc

Let me translate. Slut. One who will be a filthy goer in bed. They exist, they're great fun and yes. Us men dream of them. We talk about them and given half a chance we'll have sex with them.

As long as we are single of course.

Well he isn't single, is he.

LegacyUser

If I were to say to the posters here saying it's just "lad talk" that have daughters, sure you can't get mad in the future when a man calls your little girl a slut cause sure,it's only banter? I think a lot of people would be changing their mind.
It's disgusting for everyone involved. The other girl being degraded, the boyfriend for allowing and presumably encouraging his gf to be called a slut, the poster because let's be honest, who wants to hear someone they love say that? And the posters fiance for acting like a horny 15 year old when in fact he's a grown man about to get married and probably will be producing daughters down the line.
Op you have every right to talk to your fiance about this, there is no point in going into a marriage with doubts about who exactly you're marrying. I would probably make it clear to him that it's his choice of words that are the problem. If he had said "she's a cracker" I don't think any of us would be posting here. It's his disgusting choice of words and attitude that's the problem

LegacyUser

Personally, as a woman, I wouldn't put too much by it.

I think he has used colourful language to describe a good looking woman. Women have been known to do the same, although I think in general, the language doesn't tend to be as graphic. Coming from women, I think it would tend more to be along the the lines of 'he's such a ride' etc.

Gross generalisation, I know, but I do think blokes can be more visual, so hence somewhat of the colourful terms he used. Plus he said them to a friend. Plus a friend who he could have been trying to be as 'laddish' with. Plus it clearly wasn't intended for your ears.

If he referred to every/most women in that manner, then I'd be worried. But he hasn't. But surely there's an allowance for subtlety in this too: does he regularly refer to women in general in a disparaging manner? With less colourful terms? Like do you genuinely think that he views women badly, or as less equal? To me, THAT would be a big problem: if he couldn't work with female colleagues, women bosses etc. Or put down the opinions of women in his life, including you.

To me, he doesn't sound like he views women as 2nd class citizens. He said something well off-colour. To a private audience though (I.e. Not designed for you to hear). It just sounds well, a bit thick, and showing poor judgement. I think the nub of this is whether you believe he treats women in his life badly though. If yes, combined with what he said, then dump him. If he doesn't treat women badly, then he behaved like a bit of a twat when he was acting the big macho lad, and didn't know he was being listened to.

I'd view this as semi strike 1. If he combines it a 2nd time with actually treating women in his life badly, then he's on very thin ice. If he combined bad talk plus bad actions to women yet again - I'd dump him. However, if he treats you - and other women in his life - well, and he says some frankly dumb-ass 14 yr old crap, I'd be inclined to go a bit 'wtf' to him, but ultimately to let it go.

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mrsdewinter

asleep at 7 wrote: »

If I were to say to the posters here saying it's just "lad talk" that have daughters, sure you can't get mad in the future when a man calls your little girl a slut cause sure,it's only banter? I think a lot of people would be changing their mind.
It's disgusting for everyone involved. The other girl being degraded, the boyfriend for allowing and presumably encouraging his gf to be called a slut, the poster because let's be honest, who wants to hear someone they love say that? And the posters fiance for acting like a horny 15 year old when in fact he's a grown man about to get married and probably will be producing daughters down the line.
Op you have every right to talk to your fiance about this, there is no point in going into a marriage with doubts about who exactly you're marrying. I would probably make it clear to him that it's his choice of words that are the problem. If he had said "she's a cracker" I don't think any of us would be posting here. It's his disgusting choice of words and attitude that's the problem

OP, this might offer a way to start the conversation - if you want to disclose that you overheard him on the phone.
Ask how he wd feel if, years from now, somebody was referring to one of his daughters as a slut.
If he starts huffing that your union simply wouldn't be capable of producing a woman who wd be branded a slut, it's an opportunity to look at what he means by the term and why it's offensive to think about a woman you socialise with in that way.

stargazer 68

I couldnt comment last night as I can't log in on my phone! However, if I heard my boyfriend talking about anyone like that I would be disgusted and certainly say it to him. Do his friends talk about you like that? Would he like it if they did?

As someone said he's a grown man not a schoolboy - but even if I heard by 17 year old son say something like that he wouldnt be saying it a second time!

LegacyUser

worried_gf wrote: »

The other day I heard him on the phone to one of his best friends - a single guy, massive player, always talking about women etc. I overheard him refer to another friends girlfriend - he called her 'savage looking' and that she was a filthy wet dream. I obviously couldnt hear the response from his friend, but the next thing my boyfriend said was 'filthy slut, gorgeous'.

I think a lot of people here are jumping the gun too much,

"filthy slut, gorgeous" is a pretty unusual way to follow on from "savage looking" and "filthy wet dream" its sounds more like a response to an action than describing someone to me, it's also highly possible the friend on the phone responded by changing the subject to one about some other girl he was with the night before and what she did? especially if he is as you say a player who always talks about women, so it may not even be referring to the friends girlfriend...

either way you have no idea of the context in which he said these words, so really i feel your best bet is to talk with him, find out from him his point of view on this matter, we can only make assumptions here but if you are going to marry this guy you should be able to sit down with him and have a non-judgmental conversation about this, be clear about what you want, no hinting, no round-abouting, be straight out with him let him know what you want out of this be it

you being uncomfortable with his use that kind of language to describe a girl,
you wanting him to use that kind of language to describe you,
you not "knowing" who he is

at that point its up to him to be straight with you, if you feel he's not being straight with you (or acting like you are "different" because you are "Wife material") then you can make your next choice with more information.

robbiezero

Its an overheard snippet of conversation so you have no context for it so its hard to judge.
Could be any number of things:
A sort of in-joke between him and his mate - "in jokes" between people can be ridiculously stupid, even obnoxious.
Immaturity - Often lads in a relationship can feel a bit left out of the stuff that goes on with their single friends like chasing women etc, and over compensate with this sort of nonsense.

Without context and in the absence of further evidence of that being his attitude to women, I'd be inclined to leave it go or at worst, tell him what you overheard and just say I hope thats not how you normally talk about women.

Penny Tration

While I don't like that kind of talk about women, and I certainly think his description of her went too far, it's not something I'd dump someone over.

Women frequently say things like "he's a ride, the things I'd do to him, give me five minutes alone with him, sexy b@stard," and so on. The language isn't as graphic by any means, but the end result is the same - it's objectifying a person based on how they look.


Calls of misogyny are a bit much. If I call a man a sexy b@stard, does that make me a misandrist? No, it doesn't. It makes me someone who sexually objectifies an attractive man.


If he doesn't speak this way about women generally, I'd just ignore it and move on.

silverharp

honestly Op if you are with your partner for 6 years you ought to know his character inside out. For someone who is at least in his mid to late twenties the conversation sounds a bit juvenile but it is probably more the other guy and your partner is just playing along with the conversation. I wouldn't attach any importance to it

LegacyUser

We don't know the age of the OP or her boyfriend but he sounds very immature, almost like the stuff you hear out of schoolboys down the back of the bus trying to be all cool and tough. What I would be more worried about if he was my OH, over his use of language, was he so obviously would like to sleep with this woman, referring to her in very (degrading) sexualised language would really hurt me, and make me wonder how sexy he actually finds me, going by the fact he never says I'm sexy/hot/a ride. I'd hate to be with a man who resigns his real sexual urges to fantasy and other 'sluts' and has me as the rather boring and pedestrian girlfriend who is reliable but doesn't really ignite that sort of desire in him.

I would personally have a chat with my OH if I overheard the same thing, and tell him it made me feel kind of hurt that he spoke of her like that and that he clearly would sleep with this woman we know, when he's supposed to be getting married.

Sapphire

This has shown you a side to your boyfriend that you never knew existed before, and that has made you think. It might be something that's minor in the grand scheme of things, or it could be a deal-breaker in your relationship, only you can decide.

Myself, I don't surround myself with people who talk like that because in my experience, because I think its an unkind and derogatory way to talk about someone. I've a pretty good sense of humour that can be quite dark at times, but I just don't find that kind of Lads Bantz funny at all and its actually quite a turnoff and I don't see it as a good role model for a potential father either. But that's just me - others see no problem with it and that is fine for them.

How does he describe his ex girlfriends?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. OP here. Thanks for all your responses and opinions. I've read through them all carefully and there's a lot of food for thought.

I've got some closure on the issue though thanks to all your points.

He can be immature at times - a complete show man when he's with the lads, a complete messer. He likes to entertain a crowd and tends to say things that would shock people sometimes with his brutal honesty!

But then with me he is loving and caring and supportive, and laughs to me about his 'lad' side and says "ah sure all the lads are full of bravado and when they get home to their gf's Im sure they're all soppy like me as well".

He's not a misogynist. I've a much higher earning job than him and he always tells me how proud he is, has dinner cooked for me when I get home etc - so I can rull that one out.

So i've definitely come to the conclusion that I should be happy with what I've got and not question this too much. He'll always want to be one of the lads, it was a juvenile thing to say, but we all have things we've said that should have been left un-said I guess, and given the fact he didnt realise I could hear, didn't watch his mouth.

Thanks everyone

Potatoeman

There are some pretty high expectations of male etiquette while in private conversation here.
OP the problem you might have if you bring this up is 1) earwigging, can he have private conversations when you are around? 2) Telling him how he can and can't talk to friends. 3) You only heard part of oneside of a private conversation.

armaghlad

Just out of curiousity, how should guys describe females of a certain promiscuous disposition in private conversation? Especially if they actually do display such characteristics?

The term "fúckboy" is seemingly acceptable to describe the male version. I've heard girls tell me "they'd climb him like a tree". If I heard a girlfriend of 6 years speak in these terms, I wouldn't judge her on that, I judge her on the years I've spent knowing and loving her.

Potatoeman

mrsdewinter wrote: »

Could some man please address the issues raised here, as this pretty much reflects the advice handed down to us from our mothers/older sisters over the past 3 decades.

Putting my '21st century woman' hat on, I'm disgusted to think that men go around categorising women as either 'nice girls I'd bring home to Mam' or 'hot sluts I'd sh4g but never marry'.

Am I being naive??

Maybe, people can be far more traditional than even they would admit to themselves.
How many of your friends would not consider a man husband/father material because of his job or income? How many make more than their partner?

Corvo

Sapphire wrote: »

This has shown you a side to your boyfriend that you never knew existed before, and that has made you think. It might be something that's minor in the grand scheme of things, or it could be a deal-breaker in your relationship, only you can decide

Oh please, he sounds like a perfectly decent bloke who was just having a conversation (a private one at that) with a friend. As said above, it could have been as much for the friends benefit as anything.

OP, maybe say it to him and say you didn't appreciate it, but truth be told - if it was me I wouldn't be happy having my conversation repeated back to me.

This sort of talk happens between with both men and women in numerous different situations.

batmanrobin

armaghlad wrote: »

Just out of curiousity, how should guys describe females of a certain promiscuous disposition in private conversation? Especially if they actually do display such characteristics?

The term "fúckboy" is seemingly acceptable to describe the male version. I've heard girls tell me "they'd climb him like a tree". If I heard a girlfriend of 6 years speak in these terms, I wouldn't judge her on that, I judge her on the years I've spent knowing and loving her.

You could just describe her as someone who enjoys sex? Seriously, why the need to describe her as a slut? Why is she less deserving of respect because she might like to sleep around?

Also you cannot compare saying "I'd climb him like a tree" which basically means I'd really like to have sex with him, to calling someone a filthy slut.

Slut has always been used as a derogatory term against women. Always.

And I honestly know no grown ass woman who would refer to a man as a f*ckboy?!! Christ!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

batmanrobin wrote: »

You have to look at the history behind the word. Look at what stands behind n*gger and look at what stands behind words like slut and whore. The words were and still are used to demean & lessen, the people they're directed against.

One rather more viciously and effectively than the other, with the small difference of literal chattel slavery being involved in one case. I'd far rather be a white woman in Ireland today than a black man in America, for example. It's getting off topic, but I think making a direct comparison between those slurs is actually offensive. They have things in common but they are absolutely not the same thing.

There's banter and there's calling someone a ride, but calling someone a filthy slut is bad form. He doesn't know this woman and he has no right to speak of her in such a manner.

So where's the line and who's the boss of drawing it? Maybe this guy hasn't considered the history behind the word 'slut' maybe he sees it as no different than 'she's a ride'. He probably wouldn't call this woman a filthy slut to her face, but I doubt he'd call her a ride either.

OP this is obviously something that's upsetting you, so maybe you should talk to him. There's no harm in explaining to him that you were shocked by his language and hope it doesn't reflect his attitudes to women (which, by piddly little details like his actions, which pale in comparison to using the word slut apparently, he has shown it doesn't) and that he never speaks about you like that. But I doubt you'll get very far with 'stop talking to your friends like this in private conversation or you're gone', because that's a mental thing to say to a partner.

retro:electro

Correct me if I'm wrong; but I didn't think the op is upset that her boyfriend used this word because it's offensive towards women. She's concerned because he obviously finds this girl physically attractive and this upsets her. It's not the connotations or the historical significance of the word that irks her, it's the fact he's quite blatently desiring another woman, the fact that it's in a deragatory tone comes second to that. Again, this is just my reading of the op, and I may be wrong.

FortySeven

anna080 wrote: »

Correct me if I'm wrong; but I didn't think the op is upset that her boyfriend used this word because it's offensive towards women. She's concerned because he obviously finds this girl physically attractive and this upsets her. It's not the connotations or the historical significance of the word that irks her, it's the fact he's quite blatently desiring another woman, the fact that it's in a deragatory tone comes second to that. Again, this is just my reading of the op, and I may be wrong.

Are we not allowed to fantasize now? Not allowed to find someone else attractive?

Stop the world, I want to get off!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

FortySeven wrote: »

Are we not allowed to fantasize now? Not allowed to find someone else attractive?

Stop the world, I want to get off!

We're allowed to find other people attractive, and other people are allowed to react to that however they like as well, it's a two way street. Someone having a negative reaction to something doesn't mean they're saying you're not allowed to do it. If you heard a partner describing someone you both knew and saying 'oooh he's so hot, I would ride him hard and bring him home wet' would you just shrug it off, or have some negative thoughts about that?