Stanford rape case brings up old feelings from past similar event.

anonforthis

I'm a long-time boardsie but have to post anonymous for this. The case in Standford with the girl who was raped while unconcious has brought up a lot of feelings and flashbacks for me. I haven't talked about this in years but I'm struggling and needed a place to put this out there. Maybe someone has an answer for me.

I'm in my 40s and 20 years ago I was living in a house share and we had a party with friends, one of whom raped me in my own bed while I was unconscious. Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe I just don't remember what happened. Maybe I was awake but so drunk that my memory got wiped. I don't know. I do remember waking up to find him on top of me, horrified I kicked him off and screamed at him to get out of my room. This was a guy who a few weeks before this had confessed he had a crush on me. I didn't return the feelings and told him we'd just be friends. A few weeks later this happened. I remember flashes of things that night. I remember drinking and that the guy kept giving me drinks. I remember when the party finished and some people were staying the night. I remember I invited him into my room. I remember trying to talk but getting sick into my trash can instead. I remember he helped wash me up. After that...I remember nothing until I woke up and kicked him off me. I remember finding my vomit filled trash can later that day. I remember finding his socks too. I threw them out with the garbage can.

I remember going to the hospital the next day and getting examined. It was painful. I was a virgin before this happened. They gave me pills and took blood tests and then sent me home. I remember our mutual friends took his side. He'd said we had sex numerous times so how could it be rape? I remember a close family member told me I deserved it because I chose to be at that party. I remember another family member telling me it was probably for the best I was unconscious because the first time hurts. I remember throwing away my bed sheets because of the blood and memories. I remember no one believed me so I became depressed and sad and lonely. I began to self harm to try to cope. I remember telling that second family member about it...their response was to say they were relieved, they thought I was about to tell them I was gay. Years later, even after counselling I still struggle with the urge to self harm sometimes.

The thing is, deep down inside, for all these years, I've always believed I asked for it. I struggle to say 'I was raped' because I've never been sure that I was. I know that in my right mind I never would have had sex with him. But in my drunkeness did I take advantage of the fact that he liked me and ask him to my room? Was it really rape?

The case in Stanford brought up a lot of comments from people like 'don't have sex with a girl if she's unconscious' and I want to cry because for all this time I never asked myself that question. How could the guy have sex with me if I was unconscious like that? All this time I've blamed myself, berated myself, hated myself. All this time I've been feeling guilty for feeling violated. I feel guilty, like I asked for it because I remember asking him into my room.

From the Standford case, I read the victim statement. Cried the whole way through it. But the end, her last paragraph...has really thrown me. She said this:

"And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. As the author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you."

This makes me cry, like...sobbing crying. Is it possible I've been wrong to question myself for 20 years about whether or not I was raped? No one believed me at the time. It's why I've never talked about it, except with a very very few close friends. It's hard to claim to be a rape victim when you yourself question whether or not it was rape.

But this case...it's opening up old wounds and bringing up all these old questions.

Was I raped? Can I stop feeling guilty for feeling like I was violated? Can I just...stop feeling guilty?

dudara

OP - I think you are referring to the Stanford case, not Orlando. I'll edit your post to reflect this.

anonforthis

dudara wrote: »

OP - I think you are referring to the Stanford case, not Orlando. I'll edit your post to reflect this.

Of course. Sorry, they are both on my mind these days!

Penny Tration

Hey OP.


I'm so very sorry for what you've been through. I really wish I could give you a huge hug.


Before I go any further, I'll answer what I think your most important question is - yes, you were raped. From what you've described, you were most definitely raped. And I'm so sorry that you were.


I've also lived with the doubt and self blame after an assault, and I've had the friends take his side too. It's horrific when someone takes their side, you feel like a liar, you feel ashamed, alone and totally helpless.


20 years ago, honestly there was a huge stigma surrounding rape, especially with alcohol involved. Unfortunately, women in your position weren't readily believed, which is disgusting and has thankfully changed a bit now.


From your story, this man deliberately got you as drunk as possible so he could take advantage of you. When you were drunk to the point of vomiting and falling asleep or blacking out, he chose to rape you. He knew you couldn't consent.


I'm so sorry it happened. But it was not your fault. It was never your fault. no matter what's been said to you in the past, you are and were 100% innocent. Please, please keep telling yourself that. you know you didn't want it.


You obviously carry a lot of trauma over this, which is totally natural given what happened to you and peoples' reactions when you reached out for help. Have you thought about getting in touch with the Rape Crisis Centre? They can provide some really helpful counselling, which will help you to realise that it wasn't your fault and it was rape.


You've held onto this pain and doubt for far too long. You WERE raped, so please call the RCC and ask for help. You don't have to live with these feelings.

anonforthis

Thank you for your reply. I really, really appreciate it.

I did try to contact the Rape Crises Center some years ago. They were very kind but I was told there was a waiting list to use their counselling service. I didn't put my name down as I felt that I wasn't deserving of it; that other people who had 'really' been raped needed it more than I did.

I've been for counselling for other issues (including family ones) but never specifically this.

At this stage, 20 years later I'd still feel that other people need counselling more urgently than me. Although as you say, this is something I've been living with and it's been a long, long time to live with. I feel like, if there is hope to be free of this guilt...I would like to try.

anonforthis

Boards won't let me edit my post...

@Penny, I'm sorry you've been through the same thing. Nobody should have to go through this.

armaghlad

Just because you don't fully "remember" it, does not mean you don't bear the exact same scars and emotional turmoil that goes with such an attack. As a man it is something ( in all reality) I'll never be at risk of suffering, so I can only try and empathise as much as possible. You bear no responsibility for what happened, going from your story your attacker knew that you weren't interested in him and that your relationship was platonic. I hope you find the strength to rid yourself of the guilt you feel because you are a victim plain and simple and you shouldn't have to feel any sense of blame for what happened. You absolutely must seek counseling and are as every bit entitled to it to someone who was attacked yesterday, a week ago, last year etc.

Penny Tration

anonforthis wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. I really, really appreciate it.

I did try to contact the Rape Crises Center some years ago. They were very kind but I was told there was a waiting list to use their counselling service. I didn't put my name down as I felt that I wasn't deserving of it; that other people who had 'really' been raped needed it more than I did.

I've been for counselling for other issues (including family ones) but never specifically this.

At this stage, 20 years later I'd still feel that other people need counselling more urgently than me. Although as you say, this is something I've been living with and it's been a long, long time to live with. I feel like, if there is hope to be free of this guilt...I would like to try.

There IS hope to be free from the pain and guilt you're feeling, I promise. Please call the RCC again, and put your name on the list. you're just as deserving of help as anyone else, and they never turn someone away so you don't have to worry that someone else will lose a place - they won't.


You obviously want to get past this, that's why you're posting here. So summon up that bravery again, call the RCC and then go to see them. It'll be the best decision you make.

questionmark?

OP your a victim and deserve help to help you enjoy your life in the best way. Call the RCC.

Maybe I missed it from your post but have you brought this case to the Guards attention? If not I would be having talks with solicitors as the 'man' who did this too you is a coward who deserves to be punished.

anonforthis

I have emailed the RCC to ask about their waiting list. They do say on their website that:

Clients who require long term counselling may have to wait a little longer to see a therapist but it is the aim of the Centre that no one will have to wait any longer than is absolutely necessary. All clients on the waiting list are invited to keep in touch with the Centre for support.

I imagine a case as old as mine will stay at the back of the list for a while but at least I have emailed to ask. We shall see. It would be a real relief to talk to someone about this. It has been a relief just posting about it here. This has weighed on me for a long time.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I've been near tears all day with your empathy and understanding.

eviltwin

anonforthis wrote: »

I have emailed the RCC to ask about their waiting list. They do say on their website that:

Clients who require long term counselling may have to wait a little longer to see a therapist but it is the aim of the Centre that no one will have to wait any longer than is absolutely necessary. All clients on the waiting list are invited to keep in touch with the Centre for support.[i/]

I imagine a case as old as mine will stay at the back of the list for a while but at least I have emailed to ask. We shall see. It would be a real relief to talk to someone about this. It has been a relief just posting about it here. This has weighed on me for a long time.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I've been near tears all day with your empathy and understanding.

You will still be able to use their helpline for support while you are waiting for a counselling appointment. I know it's not the same but you're not alone. Well done for posting and reaching out for help. I think you're very brave.

Sound Bite

I believe you.
I believe you were raped.
I believe it was not your fault - it's always the rapist's fault and never the victim.
You are as entitled and need counselling as much as anyone else who has been raped. The lapse of time makes no difference.

I think your friends/family should have been a lot more supportive. You can't change the past but you can change the future. Get the counselling you need to deal with this and take care of yourself.

anonforthis

I got an email back from them this morning. The waiting list is 6 months. I guess after 20 years, what's another 6 months?

They asked me to call them though to see how they can support me in the meantime. I will try to find a time and place to call. I can't call at work and at home I don't want my roommate to overhear. Small apartment makes that difficult.

Thank you all for your support and suggestion. I wouldn't have gone to RCC otherwise. I feel nervous but hopeful about it.

mohawk

I am glad you have put your name down for counselling OP it doesn't matter how long ago it was. Wishing you all the best.

Very similar thing happened to a friend of mine about 10 years ago. She woke up with a guy on top of her. She didn't tell us for ages. The guy kept calling round to see her and we couldn't work out why she kept avoiding him. She eventually told us what happened as it was upsetting her that he kept dropping by the house. She once said she didn't tell us straight away because she had been drinking so we might think it was her fault. It was quickly pointed out to her that drinking or not a guy should never have sex with a woman who is passed out. No consent was given.

I believe you OP and it wasn't your fault.

Witchie

Op, I totally understand where you come from. I have been through pretty much the same thing and have not done anything about it because I always felt that I wouldn't be believed and that would be seen as just being attention seeking.

I was sharing a room with an ex boyfriend on a night out. We were just friends as far as I was concerned. We went for dinner, and drinks and more drinks and then to a gig we both had tickets for. I know that I was really really drunk when we got back to the room and I know am a terrible flirt and get awfully horny when I am drunk so am pretty sure I probably did come onto him at some stage, but I know I didn't want sex. I remember stopping kissing him and saying that I was going to sleep. I fell asleep on my tummy and was woken by the pain of him in my ass.

I pushed him off and ran into the toilet and threw up. I was so shocked I didn't say anything to him and I don't know if he even realised he had done something wrong. I think he thought I just had stopped him coz I had to be sick.

I have only told my 2 closest friends about this and they both were supportive but I felt that if I went to the cops or something that I wouldn't be believed because I was so drunk and I had come onto him.

Sorry I don't mean to hijack your thread but your words have made me face up to what happened to me too.

I am so glad you are going to get the help and support you need. Thinking of you. x

LegacyUser

Hi
I just wanted to say aswell I don't know what to say to you but to know you are not alone!

I too have gone through something similiar and haven't told anyone until very recently. As I said there's nothing I can do to help but just know that by sharing your story and the others who have replied sharing their story it has helped me somewhat x

I didn't even admit to myself what had happened was wrong for about 2 years, I knew deep down it was but I tried to convince myself that it was just drinken sex. Accepting that I had actually been raped and saying that aloud is very very difficult. He also didn't use protection so I still need to go through the std tests which I'm very worried about. Once I get them done I'm going to go of counselling and finally try to move on with my life, this has been hanging over me for the best part of my 20s. The few people I have told have been incredibly supportive I just wish I had done it sooner but I was afraid I would be judged too. I wish you well on your recovery, remember you are not alone. After I first told a few people I was in a very bad way, I rang the Samaritans an found them great, knowing that there is someone there 24/7 at the end of the phone is very comforting x