Do you let your childs friends into the house?

casio4

We live in a small estate and my 8 year old has 3 friends in the estate that she plays with, she is allowed in to their houses but I have never let them in to mine as I know the minute I do they will be in and out all the time and I just don't want them in the house. They are starting to ask why they can't come in and i'm running out of excuses. I have one child so there are just three of us in the house and we like it quiet most of the time, my daughter has no problem with her friends not coming in but the questions are coming everyday now? what do I do?

Bored_lad

So you've no problem with your daughter being in and out of her two friends houses but you don't want them to be in and out of yours?

tuisginideach

If the other parents viewed the situation as you do, your daughter would be home alone with you 24/7.

StanleyOllie

Its give and take with kids and their friends. If she is allowed into other houses they should be allowed into yours. You could limit it to certain times. I have 4... I love the house when its quiet but have to put up with the comings and goings. All part of the joys.

irishgrover

I'd probably acknowledge the fact that it is, generally speaking, a good thing to allow your daughters friends into your house. It allows your child to develop social skills. It also allows you, as a parent to get to know your child's friends, which in itself is quite important. It will also give you better insight into your childs development, interaction and social skills.
I would suggest that you start letting them in for defined and limited times where it's easy for you to adjust to the change, and it's easy to encourage them to leave, for example, last hour before dinner or bedtime etc. You could also limit them to a specific location in for home, such as playroom or bedroom etc. You could even limit them to the garden in good weather to help you acclimatise. Ultimately I think is something you need to address because it's important that your child feels that it is their home too, not just yours. Being comfortable at home includes being able to have guests, this also applies to kids

casio4

Bored_lad wrote: »

So you've no problem with your daughter being in and out of her two friends houses but you don't want them to be in and out of yours?

I didn't want her going in to their houses as I don't know the families I only just found out she has been going in

daRobot

If the kids are asking why they can't come in, and have asked multiple times, you can be sure that their parents know by now and you're possibly getting a reputation as being a bit 'odd'.

And in my view you are being odd. Let the kids into the house, and accept that this is part of having a child. Either way, if you continue this rigid position of yours, it'll ultimately affect you or your child down the line - as this is the exact sort of thing kids might start teasing your daughter about.

harr

My lad is 6 and I only allow him into two neighbors houses as I don't know rest well enough to let him in for hours...same goes for letting kids into our house only children I know well will be allowed in...might seem odd but as a stay at home dad I don't feel comfortable having strange children running around house.
Last place I lived a child fell in a neighbors house and his parents sued against his house insurance and got a nice few quid ...his house insurance rocketed,made me very wary of who I have hanging around...its shocking that's the way it's gone..and then you have the kids who won't go home and parents don't have a clue or care where there 5 year old is for hours on end...

Wonzy

Can't understand your mindset. Stop been selfish and let them in the house for god sake. Threads like this make my mind boggle.

Bicycle

If you don't want children in your house, don't have your own children. This is a normal part of parenting - having a house packed with kids having fun. From your child's perspective, they need to feel comfortable in their own home, and feel comfortable that they can bring their friends home.

And if you don't know the other parents, make it your business to get to know them. Pop over and say hello. Its always a good policy to know the parents of your children's friends.

Two things strike me though as well..

If your child is out and you weren't aware that she was in other people's houses - were you actually supervising her when she was out playing?

And also - do you have your own friends over to the house? Because if you have your friends over, I can't see why your daughter can't have her friends over.

Wonzy

casio4 wrote: »

I didn't want her going in to their houses as I don't know the families I only just found out she has been going in

So your letting your eight year old daughter roam around unsupervised? Wtf

bucketybuck

Poor kid.

m'lady

Sorry to be so blunt but people like you really annoy me. Over the years when my daughter was growing up there was always one mother/father that didn't allow children in the house but were more than happy to let their children go into other houses.
I,among the other parents thought it was a selfish thing to do, as it meant that we were always having the children in the house while ' your one was sitting pretty in hers, perhaps filing her nails?!'

You really need to realise that this is a part of parenting that never ends, take that from a mother of a 15 year old that's friends are always rolling in!

Lighten up, enjoy the sound of happy carefree children play in your home, and enjoy the quiet when your daughter is in bed, you never know you might find it refreshing!

ted1

casio4 wrote: »

I didn't want her going in to their houses as I don't know the families I only just found out she has been going in

So you didnt know where your 8 year old child was.

You also expect other parents to keep an eye on your child but won't return the deed. Why not just pay for a nanny ?

harr

harr wrote: »

My lad is 6 and I only allow him into two neighbors houses as I don't know rest well enough to let him in for hours...same goes for letting kids into our house only children I know well will be allowed in...might seem odd but as a stay at home dad I don't feel comfortable having strange children running around house.
Last place I lived a child fell in a neighbors house and his parents sued against his house insurance and got a nice few quid ...his house insurance rocketed,made me very wary of who I have hanging around...its shocking that's the way it's gone..and then you have the kids who won't go home and parents don't have a clue or care where there 5 year old is for hours on end...

Its a bit different I think in your case as you are a man and right to be cautious about having children you don't know well in the house with you. Its terrible but that's the way society has gone now.

However its a chicken and egg situation. You will never get to know the children if you don't let them come to the house. Maybe have the parent call with them initially, especially if its another dad?

O.P, my parents were not very keen on having other children in the house. I grew up in an older neighborhood so there weren't many kids my age round the place, and I went to school quite a distance away so didn't have schoolfriends nearby.

Honestly I had a very lonely childhood and swung the opposite way when I had my 2 boys. Its like boytown here sometimes but I love it. They are both sociable and friendly and have loads of pals, whereas I was painfully shy and had very few friends growing.
Yes, it van be work supervising and messy if its a rainy day and the kids are playing indoors for a long time. But I have a few ground rules for example always take off shoes at the door. And kids who have been coming here for years now ( as my kids now teens) automatically kick off the shoes as they come in.

More importantly as your child gets older you get to see what kind of kids she is hanging out with and that is so, so important. You also want her to have a house she feels that her friends are welcome in, as she gets older.

Please, please reconsider. It is a very small investment to make for a happy well adjusted child.
Take it from one who knows

Wonzy

Will you buy them a tent in Winter to play outside?

brendane

Did you really think that by starting this thread you were going to get parents to give you tips and tricks and more excuses on how to keep your daughters friends out of your house.

Probably ok now, the kids are only 8 but when they are 10-14 they will cop on and just isolate your daughter. She will be the only one to suffer.

1eg0a3xv7b82of

casio4 wrote: »

We live in a small estate and my 8 year old has 3 friends in the estate that she plays with, she is allowed in to their houses but I have never let them in to mine as I know the minute I do they will be in and out all the time and I just don't want them in the house. They are starting to ask why they can't come in and i'm running out of excuses. I have one child so there are just three of us in the house and we like it quiet most of the time, my daughter has no problem with her friends not coming in but the questions are coming everyday now? what do I do?

I know where you are coming from, I try to limit to min as possible other peoples
children in my home. They take over the place and wreck the house on you. And I say that as a parent.
the key is to just say no and dont even bother with giving a reason. I dont.
We have enough to be doing raising our own children without raising our neighbours too.

Sleeper12

Instead of it being a chore why not get involved with them in your house. Enjoy your child and her friends

Rosa Huge Roaster

Rosa Huge Roaster wrote: »

I know where you are coming from, I try to limit to min as possible other peoples
children in my home. They take over the place and wreck the house on you. And I say that as a parent.
the key is to just say no and dont even bother with giving a reason. I dont.
We have enough to be doing raising our own children without raising our neighbours too.

Only if you let them.....

Frogscotch

I think people are being a bit harsh - my kids play with their friends outside in summer. I don't let them go in other people's houses unless it's an arranged "play date" and the same for my own house. You don't have to give a reason. I'd want to know exactly where my child is though so I'd tell your child they must ask before going anywhere you can't see them.

harr

Deleted User wrote: »

Its a bit different I think in your case as you are a man and right to be cautious about having children you don't know well in the house with you. Its terrible but that's the way society has gone now.

However its a chicken and egg situation. You will never get to know the children if you don't let them come to the house. Maybe have the parent call with them initially, especially if its another dad?

No problem with children I know or if I know the parents well but I am cautious about about children I don't know..to be honest there are some kids I wouldn't have near the house and I wouldn't let my lad into those houses..
I just wouldn't feel comfortable with my child in a strangers house or someone I did not know well for any length of time..he knows to ask before he goes into anyone's house...might seem strange to some people and probably hard for my child to understand but that's my take on it.

kirving

One day, be it sooner or later, your child won't be allowed into the friends houses. Guess who'll be sitting at home alone with no friends.

You should absolutely be making it your business to know each of her friends and their parents well, especially since they're your neighbours.

DeadHand

Rosa Huge Roaster wrote: »

I know where you are coming from, I try to limit to min as possible other peoples
children in my home. They take over the place and wreck the house on you. And I say that as a parent.
the key is to just say no and dont even bother with giving a reason. I dont.
We have enough to be doing raising our own children without raising our neighbours too.

No wonder any sense of community has been eradicated in many corners of Ireland with attitudes like this prevalent.

harr

Kevin Irving wrote: »

One day, be it sooner or later, your child won't be allowed into the friends houses. Guess who'll be sitting at home alone with no friends.

You should absolutely be making it your business to know each of her friends and their parents well, especially since they're your neighbours.

We are not talking about close friends here who I have no problem with being in the house..we are taking about having an open door policy for every child in the housing estate ...and it would be the same kids 7 or 8 times a day looking to come in...in my estate we have about 20 children of various ages and my lad might be good friends with 3 or 4 other boys and girls the rest he plays with outside...my neighbor has no problem letting all children in when ever and I have often seen 10 or 11 kids running around his house..children that would not even the same age as his child.

kirving

harr wrote: »

We are not talking about close friends here who I have no problem with being in the house..we are taking about having an open door policy for every child in the housing estate ...and it would be the same kids 7 or 8 times a day looking to come in...in my estate we have about 20 children of various ages and my lad might be good friends with 3 or 4 other boys and girls the rest he plays with outside...my neighbor has no problem letting all children in when ever and I have often seen 10 or 11 kids running around his house..children that would not even the same age as his child.

That's fair enough, I should have directed to the OP who was describing a group of just four friends.

Elemonator

No problem them coming into the house just establish a few ground rules of when they can and can't. But I think you are being slightly over the top in the least offensive way possible, this is the development of your daughter we are talking about too.

Big Bag of Chips

DeadHand wrote: »

No wonder any sense of community has been eradicated in many corners of Ireland with attitudes like this prevalent.

30 years ago we weren't allowed into the next door neighbours house. (We lived in rural Ireland where up to 5 miles away were still classed as "neighbours", so great sense of community there.) They were allowed into every/any other house though. As kids it never occurred to us that we had a "right" to go into their house. And we certainly never questioned their mam, as to why! They didn't grow up isolated, or excluded. I'm still friends with both of them. They are still friends with all the others that lived around too.

We just didn't go into their house.

Then again, 30 years ago there was an awful lot more of "get out and play" from most parents. So we never spent very long actually IN anyone's house.

It's your house, OP. If you don't want kids in, then it's nobody else's business. Kids tend to accept whatever they're told. It's other adults that start picking it apart and finding things to be bothered by!

1eg0a3xv7b82of

DeadHand wrote: »

No wonder any sense of community has been eradicated in many corners of Ireland with attitudes like this prevalent.

In the 70s 80s early 90s there was no sleepover codology and community spirit was never as good.

Maybe we need a return to the spirit those times where children played outside together and then went home.

Toots

When I was a kid there was one girl on the road whose house we were never allowed in to. Weren't even allowed in the back garden. In later years she told us that she always felt really self conscious about it and sometimes worried we would stop being friends with her because we couldn't play in the house/garden. Her parents were really pernickety about keeping the house clean; she wasn't allowed to wear shoes inside! And that was also why we weren't allowed in.

I understand that you'd be afraid of kids wrecking your house, but honestly lay down some ground rules and stick to them and you should be fine. The houses on my road all had 2 sitting rooms, so one was the 'play room' and we could play in there with our friends whenever we wanted (all the toys etc were in there) but the rest of the house wasn't for playing in with friends. Also friends had to go home while we were having dinner. The rest of the group had similar rules for their houses. Most of the time we'd be in the back garden anyway.

I do think it's a bit much if your daughter is going in to other houses but you won't let other kids in yours. If you're not happy with your daughter going into other houses then tell her that she needs to come home when the friends go into a house. You'd run the risk of isolating her though.

bucketybuck

Rosa Huge Roaster wrote: »

And I say that as a parent.

Those were the words of a homeowner, not a parent. One is obviously more important to you than the other.

spurious

When we were kids on a housing estate, there were houses we never got into to play in ( one of which, it emerged, was not at all the sort of house a parent would have wanted us to go near, but that's another story). Most of them were belonging to the sort of people who had plastic on the carpets.

The houses we were allowed in usually had a room we were let into and a 'good room' where we were not. There was never any repercussions from us towards the kids whose houses we didn't get into. It was just one of those things - they had narkier parents than most of us. No big deal.

Mountainsandh

I'm in the countryside and neighbours are far enough that I don't have your problem OP.

I do think though that it's better for your child's social development to have friends over once in a while.

I think in your situation I would set the simple rule that friends are allowed over on "official" playdates only, when there has been communication with parents only.

That is, a text beforehand, or a chat outside the school gates about little Johnny coming over until 5 pm later on.

That's fair enough, you can choose what times suit you best that way, you have no worries about people shoving responsibility for their child onto you for an indefinite duration, and although other parents might find you a bit strict or straight laced, you won't come across as the selfish/unsociable parent.

I know I wouldn't have any problem explaining to other Mums that that's the way it is over at my house, and that I'll be texting them or talking to them simply because I think it's safer that way. I bet you a lot of Mums will understand if you bring the safety aspect into it.

edit : I do understand that you don't like the thought of other kids spoiling your home or home time. But you know what, you can control the amount of noise, disruption, or mess to a certain extent by limiting it to one or two kids on a play date only, and letting them know what they can and cannot do in your house.
I find that very often when my kids have a friend over, I get a grand old rest as they're busy and not complaining about boredom.

dinorebel

Bored_lad wrote: »

So you've no problem with your daughter being in and out of her two friends houses but you don't want them to be in and out of yours?

Secret of being a good parent really.

1eg0a3xv7b82of

bucketybuck wrote: »

Those were the words of a homeowner, not a parent. One is obviously more important to you than the other.

let me guess, your what a call an Aunt Irene. every kid in town is welcome anytime.
But thats the difference between us, After a long day I want to come home and be with my Children, spend time with them.
You need the extra distractions of sleepovers and other codology to make up for the fact you obviously dont want to be a parent.

sorry if my post seems unnecessarily personal and unprovable, just following the marker set down by you.

casio4

I know these kids she plays with, they play in our front and back garden. I have a slide in the back garden and have set up the slide to slide into the pool for them to play in and they come and have great fun in their togs. I feed them, give them drinks, fill up their water guns, I just dont want them in the house

SarahS2013

casio4 wrote: »

I know these kids she plays with, they play in our front and back garden. I have a slide in the back garden and have set up the slide to slide into the pool for them to play in and they come and have great fun in their togs. I feed them, give them drinks, fill up their water guns, I just dont want them in the house

WHY is a very valid question here?
You said yourself you're running out of reasons...
So what is the real reason you don't want them in the house?

Macha

casio4 wrote: »

I know these kids she plays with, they play in our front and back garden. I have a slide in the back garden and have set up the slide to slide into the pool for them to play in and they come and have great fun in their togs. I feed them, give them drinks, fill up their water guns, I just dont want them in the house

Why? Is a clean house really the most important thing? Others have suggested ways for you to control the time they spent in the house plus laying out some ground rules.

But if you insist on never letting her bring friends home, you risk isolating her and having her singled out for teasing or worse, bullying.

brendane

Rosa Huge Roaster wrote:

let me guess, your what a call an Aunt Irene. every kid in town is welcome anytime. But thats the difference between us, After a long day I want to come home and be with my Children, spend time with them. You need the extra distractions of sleepovers and other codology to make up for the fact you obviously dont want to be a parent.


sorry if my post seems unnecessarily personal and unprovable, just following the marker set down by you.

1st of all, who mentioned sleepovers. The op was talking about not even letting kids in the door, never mind staying over.

You come across condescending and selfish. So it's more important to you that your children sit in and entertain you when you come home. Did you ever ask what they would prefer? Would they like to go out and play? Would they like a friend over? ie. What a good caring parent would do

bucketybuck

Rosa Huge Roaster wrote: »

let me guess, your what a call an Aunt Irene. every kid in town is welcome anytime.
But thats the difference between us, After a long day I want to come home and be with my Children, spend time with them.
You need the extra distractions of sleepovers and other codology to make up for the fact you obviously dont want to be a parent.

sorry if my post seems unnecessarily personal and unprovable, just following the marker set down by you.

I'm not female so your post was wide of the mark from the very beginning, though unfortunately not as wide as it was at the end.

Why not just be honest with yourself, its all about you and not your kids. Its good for kids social development to be able to visit each others homeplaces but because you don't want a mess and you want your quiet time then tough, they will have to do without. Thats your decision but I think anybody with that mindset should at least own it.

wokingvoter

casio4 wrote: »

I know these kids she plays with, they play in our front and back garden. I have a slide in the back garden and have set up the slide to slide into the pool for them to play in and they come and have great fun in their togs. I feed them, give them drinks, fill up their water guns, I just dont want them in the house

OP just set some pretty sensible rules like no shoes and no shouting and no going upstairs
I know it feels like " the invasion of the body snatchers"
I don't know what 8 year old like to watch on TV but on a rainy day you can say to your child "Mary and John and Paula can come in and watch Lizzie Maguire and you can have popcorn and Ribena if you like but only for an hour"

AllGunsBlazing

Rosa Huge Roaster wrote: »

In the 70s 80s early 90s there was no sleepover codology and community spirit was never as good.

Maybe we need a return to the spirit those times where children played outside together and then went home.

I grew up in the 80's and can't remember spending any time hanging out in friend's houses. You were told to get out on the street and play! And we did, gladly.

casio4

SarahS2013 wrote: »

WHY is a very valid question here?
You said yourself you're running out of reasons...
So what is the real reason you don't want them in the house?

my house is my little bit of peace, I dont mind them coming and going through the side gate to the slide and the pool, I work hard all day starting at 7.30am when I get home I have to cook dinner and clean the house, i'm lucky if I get to sit down by 5.30pm

SarahS2013

.....that's no different to anybody else who works and has kids? In fact, you're pretty lucky to be sitting down by 5.30! I'm lucky to be out of the office by that time. No add on the drive home, cooking, cleaning, occassional gymming and it's often 8/9pm by the time i "sit down." But I wouldn'y have it any other way. Personally I'd go stir crazy sitting in silence, watching TV and mindless soaps/reality shows until bedtime. I'm not saying that's what you do, but could you not afford your daughter even one of those precious hours?

kronnn

casio4 wrote: »

my house is my little bit of peace, I dont mind them coming and going through the side gate to the slide and the pool, I work hard all day starting at 7.30am when I get home I have to cook dinner and clean the house, i'm lucky if I get to sit down by 5.30pm

Honestly from your posts it seems like its all about you you you and not a single word about what your child might wan't/need. Have you asked your child how they feel about your no friends in the house policy or if they would like that to change? Have you made any effort to get to know your childs friends or their parents? And who's watching/parenting your child if they can just wander over to other peoples houses without you knowing?

SarahS2013

Judging from your other posts I think I have in fact hit the nail on the head. You're into your soaps, Coronation St and Eastenders in particular.
Kids coming into the house disrupts you watching your soaps.

Superhorse

casio4 wrote: »

my house is my little bit of peace, I dont mind them coming and going through the side gate to the slide and the pool, I work hard all day starting at 7.30am when I get home I have to cook dinner and clean the house, i'm lucky if I get to sit down by 5.30pm

Seriously lighten up. Your kid will be the better for it.

pwurple

Eh, we live in Ireland. It's raining half the time, do you just plonk them outside with raincoat?

I love it when children come over to play with my children. Sure, most of the time I boot them out the back garden where they set up dens and stuff, but if it's lashing rain they come in and play with lego or set up make believe hospitals with soft toys etc.

It's brill! They are having fun, I can work away doing my stuff.

I dunno OP, I think you're missing out on some fun.

jester77

I find this post very odd, even the idea of not letting my children's friends come into the house would never have occurred to me. You are setting the child up for a very lonely future imo. What is wrong with having the children in the house?

My 2 year old has his friends over, they can tear the house apart at times. Last week they got into a cabinet and managed to get some green liquid all over themselves, the carpets and walls. It was some job cleaning it up, but kids are kids and they also learned a valuable lesson from it.

And lucky to sit down by 5:30 :eek: It is at least 10:00 by the time I can sit and that would be the same for most families with kids. I am up before 7, kids to creche, off to work, home by 7. Get kids something to eat, bath, put them to bed, cook for myself, clean up, do odd jobs around the house. To sit at 10 is a good day.

My friends daughter is almost 21, she has always had basically an open door policy to all her daughter's friends.
I'll admit they drove me crazy when they were teenagers, traipsing in & out, shouting and yapping etc.
Didn't mind them when they were younger really.

But I don't have kids, and that's my thing.

My friend knows ALL her daughter's friends, knows everything about them & has a great relationship with her daughter.
Her daughter tells her everything, probably because she was always there whenever her friends were over. Her friends all think my friend is a cool mom, & she knows exactly what goes on, all the time.

So, what I'm trying to say OP is, while I totally understand not wanting a house full of annoying kids ( childless myself!) I think in the long run it really pays to know exactly who your daughter is hanging out with, and what they are doing.

Moonbeam

I envy you getting to sit down by 5:30
Personally I think that we all have our own issues but as far as possible we should not let them effect our kids .
You and only you know your reasoning for your decision and without knowing the full story none of us should be judging but you did post in a public forum .

Personally , I want to get to know all my children's friends and as they get older they can come and go as they like .