Dating a bereaved man

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Sorry for long post!

I've very recently started dating a young widowed father of two boys under the age of 8. We met through my sister in law, he and his kids were invited to my nephews birthday party. He later added me on Facebook, we chatted, he asked me out to dinner, which has turned into dating.

We've been taking things very slowly and we are both very happy with the pace. I haven't met his children, with the exception of the first time at the party and until now, he has kept our relationship private from his late wife's family. This felt like the right decision for both of us, as we wanted to see how things worked between us before involving people, who would obviously find news of our relationship difficult. We've recently revisited this and have agreed that as things have developed, he should now let his wife's family know he is seeing me. When we met, his wife had passed away 9 months previously, we are now seeing each other for six months.

They had a loving, warm marriage and he absolutely adored her. She had an illness from childhood that reoccurred and they went through five years of illness before she died. My partner is very open about how he feels about his wife, he has had lots of counselling support and his wife was very clear that she wanted him to date again. He himself feels ready to date. So far, so good. Things are great between us, we can talk openly and I feel we both are aware of each other's needs - however, I have been really surprised by the reactions of some my close friends, including my sister in law. People have made a lot of comments about how quickly he has moved on, about how he couldn't possibly be sure of his feelings for me, about how the children will never accept me etc. I have taken some of these comments with a pinch of salt.

From my perspective, neither of us are getting carried away, I feel we've been very respectful in how we have approached dating, we are building a solid relationship before involving children (we absolutely won't be rushing me meeting the children for quite some time and his counsellor has said she will meet with us before I'm introduced, give us some support around that) and family and we both make each other smile. There are no guarantees in any relationship. I have met his own family and they are very supportive of him/us. That said, I don't know of anyone else who has ever been in this position and some of the comments have made me feel a little isolated. I suppose, I'm hoping to hear of any good news stories out there from people in a similar position or know someone who was, or constructive advice from people.

LegacyUser

Well done to both of you.

It seems you have a good thing going and like you say just take what those people say with a pinch of salt.

You seem to be a rock for him and a wonderful support so as you say , take things nice and easy and just let things develop.

Best of luck to both of ye.

njs030

9 months is very fast and I can see why your friends are concerned, it's highly likely he's still grieving and as you've said yourself he is still struggling with losing his wife. Most people wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who still has someone else in his heart but it's your choice if you think you can handle it.

It can work out, my mum died when I was small and my dad met his second wife within a year, they are still happily married over 30 years later!

Big Bag of Chips

You said nobody you know has been in the situation. They won't let that stop them having an opinion on what is wrong with it, though. I will say the one difference I have noticed between bereaved men and bereaved women (and yes, I am generalising, but it is a pattern I've noticed, and one which I have heard discussed) men seem to get into/need to get into a second relationship quicker than women do. I think women, in general, tend to be better able to cope with the stresses of families and running a house, and being alone (!) than men are. And yes, I know, I know, I am generalising but I have seen it happen more often with men than women.

It doesn't mean your relationship can't work out. The man is entitled to live his life, and yes, after 9 months of course his wife was still in his heart. But after 9 years she'll still be there. He never fell out of love with her. She was taken away from him and his children. She will always be missing from their lives, and always very much part of your lives. But that's ok. Once you both acknowledge and accept that. I think as a couple you are better placed than anyone looking in from the outskirts to know whether or not this feels right. His children won't automatically hate you. They may be a bit confused, they may not even be phased by it!

Everyone will have an opinion, but none of them can definitely see into the future and tell you with certainty what will happen. Don't let people sway you. If you two are happy then show others you are happy. Those that care about you are just worried about you. But in time if they see you are both happy, they should be happy for you.

LegacyUser

Not saying that I agree, but similar timeline with a manager I worked with years ago. General consensus was that he must have been having an affair before his wife died, as he got into a relationship well within a year of his wife's death. Not saying that was true - just saying that was how it was perceived.

Not judging you in any way OP - sounds like you and he are v united and sorted re your relationship - just letting you know the kind of Obstacle you might meet.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

People can be awfully small minded. Full Stop.

Your post is really considered and it sounds to me like you are handling things sensitively and are cognisant of the various considerations that go into a relationship when one party has been bereaved.

You said that his wife died after a long illness. Its likely that his grieving process started well before she actually died, probably whenever they learned that it was terminal, so its likely that he was more than 9months into the process by the time you met. Also, the fact that his wife endorsed the idea of him dating again has probably made this a lot easier on him.

Good luck to you both.

marizpan

I'd have to agree with Sarah.

The grieving process started five years ago not 9 months ago.

It would be a very different situation if she has died suddenly with any warning, but prolonged ill health was preparing them both for the envitable.

cd07

Hi op how are u ? Listen my story would almost be identical to yours. My wife passed away suddenly a few years ago i was and to a large extent still am totally devastated. I've been left with two girls under 5 who will never know their mum.

I met a girl about a year after my wife passed awy and like you we took things very slow and told nobody for about 6 months until in the end i couldnt take hiding it from my wife's family.

They all took the news very difficultly for the first while but after that the get on well with my partner and see that she is amazing with my girls so they totally accept it. We've been to parties etc in all their houses and all is really good now.

I really dont think you should worry too much i mean if the relationship feels good for you and him and the kids then nothing else really matters.

I miss my wife more than words can describe and will love her eternally but im not used to being alone i like to have someone there. And this girl is really special to me now and ok it hasn't been easy but im almost happy again.

Best of luck with everything you both deserve happiness and i really hope it works for you.

Sound Bite

I think maybe some of the comments from friends and family are probably well meant even if delivered badly.

Perhaps they are just worried about you and don't to see you get hurt & think there might be increased chance of this given his situation.

That said, you have to do what makes you happy and trust your own judgment - which seems pretty good imho.

Best of luck to you both - this has as much chance of success as any other relationship.

Emme

There's a saying "women grieve, men proceed" meaning that bereaved men are more likely to get into a new relationship sooner than bereaved women. If the OP's partner was caring for his late wife for 5 years before she died and she wanted him to find someone else he had time to come to terms with the situation and he is now acting in accordance with her wishes.

Explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes was devastated when his first wife Ginny died of cancer after 34 years marriage. Ginny and Ranulph had no children together and she was keen that he found another woman after she died so he would have a chance of fatherhood. He met another woman 6 months after Ginny died and married her shortly after the first anniversary of the death of his first wife and they went on to have a child together.

It might seem callous to some how quickly certain men move on after being widowed. Firstly men seem to deal with bereavement differently to women and secondly widowed men are more likely to meet eligible partners than widowed women. I know of one man who was had several women come up to him at the funeral and burial of his late wife asking him did he need help and to call on them if he needed anything. He had to ask them to stop calling over the following week so he could have peace to grieve for his late wife.

The OP's partner seems to have dealt with widowhood well and if he has moved on too quickly for some they will have to deal with it. There will always be gossip when a widowed person moves on and finds another partner. What matters most is that his children are happy and also him and his new partner (the OP).

LegacyUser

OP here - thanks so much for all the kind responses. They are really helpful. I've been in a few serious relationships - including one with a divorced man with children, yet have never experienced the range of judgement/unsolicited opinions from people that I have in this relationship. Some people in my life have a definite discomfort around accepting that my partner will always love his late wife, and is also capable of starting a new relationship. I am entirely comfortable with my partner's feelings for his late wife.

I would have no problem if these comments were made once or twice, however it is the certainty and frequency with which they have been made that has upset me a little. It also makes me feel protective of him, he has been through an awful lot in recent years, the idea that he has to have an 'appropriate' amount of time to grieve before dating is quite sad for me to think about, by the time I met him. He kept every single one of his marriage vows, he will continue to grieve for his wife for the remainder of his life but there is space in his heart to develop the feelings that have grown between us. I probably need to be a little bit more assertive and kindly tell my friends I hear their concerns but trust my own judgement in this. As a poster said here, nobody knows what the future holds but what we have so far, is very positive. Really appreciate everyone's input.

BetsyEllen

You sound lovely.

I hope it all works out for you.
Once you, your partner and the children are happy together, then the rest will work itself out.

nikpmup

I'm a widowed woman, with a new partner. We started dating 2 years after my husband died, and now have a son together.

My partner is a wonderful man who wholly incorporates my husband's memory into our lives. If he couldn't do that, i think it would have been a deal-breaker. I'm not sure I would be as accomodating, he's a bigger person than me in that regard.

If you and you partner proceed with care and sensitivity, then everyone else's opinion can get stuffed. I believe that my loss has made me think very carefully about what I want and need in a relationship, and also makes me appreciative and grateful for the love and respect my partner has for me. A lot of people just drift along in relationships and let them flounder - you both sound like you are putting a lot of work into making sure yours is a caring, respectful and commited one, and that can only be a good thing. He's already lost so much; he's not going to risk himself and his kids being hurt by the ending of something casual.

I think you'll just have to ride out the storm of snide comments unfortunately, but they are sure to die down when it becomes plain that you are together for the long haul. I wish you both the best of luck.

Sapphire

Some people are just know-it-alls and its best just to ignore them. With a protracted illness heading towards terminal status, a fair amount of the grief-processing actually goes on before the person passes away. He's been mourning his wife since they were told she had a terminal diagnosis. So if he feels its ok for him to move on, then he is the best judge of that.

As long as he is happy, you are happy and his kids are happy then that is truly all that matters. And it sounds like you are proceeding carefully, sensitively and with huge consideration for how the children will cope with the changes. Well done.

LegacyUser

From what you have told us I think you and him are handling things well.

Being honest if someones wife/husband had a long illness before dying I think they are doing some of the greaving before they pass away. You have to accept the person you love will not be around long term and that the plans you had won't happen.

Some times life does not go according to plan and you have to make the best of the situation you are in. At times you have to deal with difficult things and be aware of how your decisions effect others. From what you have told us both you and your new man are doing this.

You will get some people who will make smart comments and say nasty things when they hear about you. They might not be happy for him to be in a realtionship or for you to be happy.

Lollipops23

I had a friend who passed away after a short battle with cancer. In her last few weeks she married her partner, who she'd been with for several years. She made it very clear that she wanted him to find someone afterwards.

2 years later he started seeing someone, a person who had known his wife and could therefore understand who she was and what she was like.

Speaking as his wife's friend, I am delighted for him. He's a wonderful guy and deserves every happiness after all he's been through.