Eloping

Saysay19

So who has eloped? Were you happy did it?
Or any regrets?

Basically I want to go off,just us, but my partner wants the big day.

All I'm getting is you'll upset both set of our parents, my dad will miss out on walking me the only daughter down the aisle....

My head is melted!

pwurple

My sister in law did this.

The families were, and still are pretty miffed/hurt. Ten years later.

There is somewhere in between big day and elopement... Maybe you could compromise? A small understated family wedding. City hall or church, lunch afterwards. Done.

bigpink

Go for it
Saves a fortunr and stress id say

Puibo

Elope I say! I'm in the middle of planning a wedding at the moment and the amount of people sticking their nose in is unreal.

People stress me out about this and that saying that's not the way we did it and all that.people even have an opinion about the food.

This tie has to match that dress. Oh I can't buy a dress til this other dress is bought. The whole bridal party has to wear the same suit......and so on. Get the picture?

I say Elope. Elope I tells ya!!

Keane2baMused

Woah Woah back up a little.

The OP is saying her OH is completely against the idea of eloping.

There needs to be a middle ground here. A very small intimate wedding with just your parents, siblings and closest friends.

I wouldn't force elopement if it's not what he wants, it's his day too.

fixXxer

My wife and I eloped. Spent a year trying to plan a wedding within a small budget while saving for a house and also with a child in the way.

One day I said to her let's just go to Vegas and get it over with. The joke sparked an idea and we went to San Francisco instead got married there and had a two week honeymoon at the same time.

We've been to a lot of weddings since and never regretted it once. Not that we're against weddings as they are, it just wasn't for us.

It has to be right for both people though as there is potential to cause hurt to those not invited.

TMM12

If your partner is completely against the idea well then you need to compromise. As the others said something in between? Or go get married alone but still have some kind of small party/dinner with families.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't have to have the big day. You can have a very small, intimate wedding with just both your immediate families. Your dad can still walk you down the aisle, your family can still be there to witness it.

Your partner definitely doesn't want to elope,,so there's no point even discussing it. But you definitely don't want the big day, so there's no point discussing that. So discussing something different! There are loads of different types of ceremonies you can have. It doesn't have to be a big church wedding with 300 people.

Saysay19

Thanks for all your replies guys!

We have money saved and the plan is for a venue we have both agreed on is to be booked next week, as well as the church and the band.

We are going away in September and I jokingly said last week to his mother we are registering our intent to marry this week so we can marry away. Did not go down well.

We have talked about a small wedding with just family but partner would love his friends there, as would I. But I'd rather 10 people instead of the 190 on our rough guest list.

I'm finding it overwhelming!

omegab

We did the civil registration a few months ago and a nice meal with 30 people afterwards in a lovely spot, it was brilliant. About 30 more came later... I never wanted the hassle of a big Irish wedding, I'm so glad I stuck with my idea and we had a great day.

Wanderer78

Compromise, quite intimate celebration with close family and friends. Don't do that to your family's and friends. Best of luck with it

Saysay19

Wanderer78 his family are very tight knit, couldn't invite one cousin and not another. There would be uproar! His family alone are making up 80:-(

I hate attention being on me and I hate fuss. We also have a 3 year old so I'm getting "imagine if he did that to us".

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

Whilst I agree with the others that eloping isnt a good idea unless its what you both want, I also think you need to stand firm on what you don't want also. From the timeline you've described, you need to speak to your OH quite quickly.

There has to be a happy medium between what you want and a guest list of 190. Are you from a rural area - is that why your guestlist is that size?

A friend of mine had her wedding abroad specifically to keep the guest list down. All the important people came (about 50) and she hired a wedding planner local to the area to organise everything. She said it was really stress free.

Wanderer78

Saysay19 wrote:

Wanderer78 his family are very tight knit, couldn't invite one cousin and not another. There would be uproar! His family alone are making up 80:-(

A predicament alright, but the most important thing is your happiness. This is your day or event to. Friend of mine secretly married in registery office, invited us all, including family to hotel after it. Always felt sorry for his mother. It's a very special event to share with loved ones. Talk to your partner about this as its clearly upsetting you and your not on the same page. Together you can come up with something

Milly33

mmmm ye need to sit down and find middle ground me thinks...

Just saying it now but dont go for a big day if you dont want to as it will ruin your own day...One of ye will end up enjoying it more than the other and it isnt fair..

Like mentioned you could maybe just head to the registry yerselfs and parents and maybe have bridesmaids/groomsmen close friends.. Then have a nice sit down meal in a restaurant..Or ye go to a restaurant for a meal and invite everyone out to a little shin dig after... There are lots of options really..

Of if you really wanted to go abroad just do the same thing with very close family and that is it..

People will stick their noses in all the time, there is nothing you can do about this but ignore and forgive as some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths would really pee you off...Regards people getting put out yeah they will for a while but again it is what ye want not what others want...

R.D. aka MR.D

Hey OP,

We eloped. It was the most amazing thing ever because it was exactly what we both wanted.

I agree with others saying that you two need to compromise.

On the point of people being put out, that's their own problem as far as i'm concerned. We only had one really negative reaction and to be honest it reflected so badly on her rather than us. It was her own hang up. To be honest most people in our families were just happy that we made the commitment to each other, are happy and they were saved the stress and obligation of a wedding.

My OH thought his parents would have a negative reaction but they were actually really happy.

Compromise but most importantly don't let this come between you too especially if it's only about pleasing other people.

Saysay19

Thank you. I always said to him that I wanted to elope but he assumed once we were engaged I would change my mind.

A few weeks ago we were discussing it and we agreed on almost everything in what we will do to have the big day.
My heart just wasn't in it.

At the minute there is no compromise. We tried but we can't agree on anything in terms of what we will do.

We are attending a fair next Sunday of where we agreed the venue would be.

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Hey OP,

We eloped. It was the most amazing thing ever because it was exactly what we both wanted.

I agree with others saying that you two need to compromise.

On the point of people being put out, that's their own problem as far as i'm concerned. We only had one really negative reaction and to be honest it reflected so badly on her rather than us. It was her own hang up. To be honest most people in our families were just happy that we made the commitment to each other, are happy and they were saved the stress and obligation of a wedding.

My OH thought his parents would have a negative reaction but they were actually really happy.

Compromise but most importantly don't let this come between you too especially if it's only about pleasing other people.

topmanamillion

I can fully understand why you don't want the big wedding. It ends up having very little to do with you. Also if there's a couple of 100 people, you'll be lucky to even class 50 of them between you as close family/friends.
A friend of mine got married recently and his wife's father is a truck driver.
The amount of of people they were forced to invite for business reasons was depressing.

Come up with a figure for guests that you'll be comfortable with, delegate certain tasks like bridesmaid dresses etc to bridesmaids & the best man and enjoy your day.

R.D. aka MR.D

Saysay19 wrote: »

I hate attention being on me and I hate fuss.

This is the exact reason that we got married in Vegas. Neither of us like fuss.

Saysay19 wrote: »

At the minute there is no compromise. We tried but we can't agree on anything in terms of what we will do.

If you don't mind me asking, what are his reasons for wanting the wedding to be so large? I know you said that he wants his family and friends there but is that the only reason? Are his family very interfering? Or has he always dreamed of his big day?

As I said, if he is doing it just to please other people, I would urge you two to maybe explore the reasons behind that. What's more important? You guys as a family - you, your child and him or his extended family. I'm a big believer in the fact that your 'new' family should always be your priority.

Would some counselling be an option for you before you book things? If he isn't willing to compromise on a small wedding and you aren't able to accept a small wedding (or a bigger than you want wedding), then having a professional (i.e not one of those religious org ones) help you to work it out might bode well for the future.

Milly33

Oh no Say say actually kinda of feel bad for you, if you are the only one compremising doesnt sound very fair.. Im telling you people will be all fuss saying they want you to do this and that, and after ye do what ye want they will quickly move onto the next thing..

Faith

Saysay19 wrote: »

Thank you. I always said to him that I wanted to elope but he assumed once we were engaged I would change my mind.

A few weeks ago we were discussing it and we agreed on almost everything in what we will do to have the big day.
My heart just wasn't in it.

At the minute there is no compromise. We tried but we can't agree on anything in terms of what we will do.

We are attending a fair next Sunday of where we agreed the venue would be.

It was mentioned above, but have you considered a wedding abroad?

Or compromising on a very intimate ceremony, and a big party afterwards?

pwurple

Both of our families run into big numbers. If we had invited cousins, it would have been 300 people.

So we had no cousins.

We had immediate family. Grandparents, parents, siblings and siblings in law. Godparents. A few close friends and that was it.


Before you put down your deposit, have another think about the venue and numbers. Maybe pick a smaller place if you can dent the numbers at all. 80 family members is tricky... Have you met all of them? If you've never met them, even when you have a child with this guy, he might consider how close he actually is to them.

ChampagnePop

Faith wrote: »

It was mentioned above, but have you considered a wedding abroad?

Or compromising on a very intimate ceremony, and a big party afterwards?

I've been to a wedding like this and it was lovely day, and the bride said it was great to only have to entertain in the evening but no speechs or big entrance etc

intheclouds

We eloped, had strangers as witnesses, phoned home afterwards.

Best day of both of our lives, totally intimate, private and very special.

Personally I would have hated a traditional Irish wedding. I've been to dozens and they just don't appeal to me at all. Or him. Neither of us like fuss or being centre of attention.

We tried to organise a small wedding with just 30 or so people but there was so much interfering we just ran off and got married! No regrets, not one.

The only miffed people were the ones who'd been interfering so didn't bother us.

Saysay19

I really appreciate the replies everyone!

I sat him down last night and told him how I'm feeling and everything is making me anxious.
I agreed to go to the fair on Sunday but nothing is to be booked.
I'm not saying I wouldn't enjoy our day but it's overwhelming and I'm such a quiet person I wouldn't saying and let everything build up inside before I erupt.

Also My car is fecked and I could do with putting 10k towards a new one!

Again thanks for reading and the replies x

Milly33

Glad to hear Saysay! Well done to you for saying something it isn't easy.... There must be some mid ground ye can meet together...

Enjoy the wedding fair!!

Sure you could pick up a car for less than 10k.... Have a look on done deal

Saysay19

Thanks Milly 😊

Oh defnitely about the car. Less price the better! Our rough pricing was coming out at 10k for the meal alone so I'd rather put the money into a car!

Also a comment was made today from himself "was looking up weddings in Santorini" so things are looking up 😊

Milly33 wrote: »

Glad to hear Saysay! Well done to you for saying something it isn't easy.... There must be some mid ground ye can meet together...

Enjoy the wedding fair!!

Sure you could pick up a car for less than 10k.... Have a look on done deal

Toots

Tip if ye end up going for a wedding abroad - don't assume that a load of people won't go; if you only want a small number, then only invite the small number. My cousin went down the road of figuring that loads of people would decline because it was in a kinda remote part of Spain, but then ended up having to cram 150 of us into the venue :pac: He got a grand total of 6 declines!!!

Faith

Toots wrote: »

Tip if ye end up going for a wedding abroad - don't assume that a load of people won't go; if you only want a small number, then only invite the small number. My cousin went down the road of figuring that loads of people would decline because it was in a kinda remote part of Spain, but then ended up having to cram 150 of us into the venue :pac: He got a grand total of 6 declines!!!

We overheard that that happened in the hotel in Mexico where we had our honeymoon. They invited over 100 people, figuring about 30 would come, but everyone did! To be honest, I would have too, given how amazing the hotel was.

Minderbinder

You could have the wedding on a beach in Australia. Invite everyone. Guaranteed a small wedding.

endacl

Toots wrote: »

Tip if ye end up going for a wedding abroad - don't assume that a load of people won't go; if you only want a small number, then only invite the small number. My cousin went down the road of figuring that loads of people would decline because it was in a kinda remote part of Spain, but then ended up having to cram 150 of us into the venue :pac: He got a grand total of 6 declines!!!

So.....

...it's considered good form to decline those blood stupid foreign weddings?

Nice one. I've two to RSVP with a big ol' "thanks for the invite. Maybe next time"!

Toots

Faith wrote: »

We overheard that that happened in the hotel in Mexico where we had our honeymoon. They invited over 100 people, figuring about 30 would come, but everyone did! To be honest, I would have too, given how amazing the hotel was.

I think they didn't mind, other than the fact that it wound up costing them more than it would have done to get married at home - they just didn't want to not invite anyone if you get me. They just figured there'd be no way everyone would go, but the vast majority of their guests were 20-30 somethings with no kids, there were 3 major airports within an hour to hour and a half away from the venue, and there was an aer lingus seat sale the week their invites went out! Twas the perfect storm lol!

Milly33

Yeah OP delighted hope he maybe opens up to the idea more now.. I suppose men get as much pressure from their mothers to have the big day just as much as women do, so maybe he is feeling a bit of this and after talks is feeling a little more like he doesn't have to do what the norm is..

I see with the car comment now, sorry I was thinking that was a min you had to spend... Hope you get that fixed too.. Sure there you go if he is into his cars you could say right small wedding and new subaru!! Or big wedding and a dinky

SarahMollie

Toots wrote: »

Tip if ye end up going for a wedding abroad - don't assume that a load of people won't go; if you only want a small number, then only invite the small number. My cousin went down the road of figuring that loads of people would decline because it was in a kinda remote part of Spain, but then ended up having to cram 150 of us into the venue :pac: He got a grand total of 6 declines!!!

True, a girl I know did this (her future father in law was a local business man and would have invited all his business associates) so they went the Spain route, thinking they'd have maybe max 50. Ended up at 135. Granted it worked in that random business associates didnt tend to come, but it only worked to an extent.

Moral of the story, if you're going abroad to cut down on numbers, you really need to go further than Spain! Santorini is nice and awkward to get to, so that could work for ya

eviltwin

We didn't elope but we didn't tell anyone we were getting married bar one trusted family member until two days before by which stage every thing was organised and no one could complain. They knew they were coming to a party they just didn't realise it was a wedding party. I would have happily eloped but himself wanted family there. I hate fuss though so this was a good compromise.

rob316

We looked at having a small wedding here, her family is huge and I mean huge so didn't want the 300 people in a hotel job. We looked at smallish here and felt for what we wanted wasn't worth the money.
So we booked a beautiful private Villa in Spain (I mean stunning) but keeping it small without putting any serious noses out of joint was still 50 people.

6 months ago we just decided nope its not for us we don't like any parties we are the centre of (18th, 21st, engagement party) so we cancelled the villa too and have put every penny we have into a 3 week trip of the states while getting married in vegas this august. We are both so excited and it was the only option that felt right.

It would be nice to have my mam there but she needs to stay behind and mind our autistic son. I suppose him not there will be the hardest part but he can be hard work and we are looking forward to a first break since he was born. He wouldn't manage the travel anyway and to be honest wouldn't go or care if we were getting married down the end of the garden. :pac:

Point is OP it has to feel right for you both. If you did travel far like Vegas for a wedding, you are probably limiting it to immediate family and maybe best friends so there is an inbetween.

Saysay19

rob316 wrote: »

We looked at having a small wedding here, her family is huge and I mean huge so didn't want the 300 people in a hotel job. We looked at smallish here and felt for what we wanted wasn't worth the money.
So we booked a beautiful private Villa in Spain (I mean stunning) but keeping it small without putting any serious noses out of joint was still 50 people.

6 months ago we just decided nope its not for us we don't like any parties we are the centre of (18th, 21st, engagement party) so we cancelled the villa too and have put every penny we have into a 3 week trip of the states while getting married in vegas this august. We are both so excited and it was the only option that felt right.

It would be nice to have my mam there but she needs to stay behind and mind our autistic son. I suppose him not there will be the hardest part but he can be hard work and we are looking forward to a first break since he was born. He wouldn't manage the travel anyway and to be honest wouldn't go or care if we were getting married down the end of the garden. :pac:

Point is OP it has to feel right for you both. If you did travel far like Vegas for a wedding, you are probably limiting it to immediate family and maybe best friends so there is an inbetween.

Thank you xx

Rob, that sounds amazing. I wish you and your partner the best and enjoy every minute xx

rob316

Saysay19 wrote: »

Thank you xx

Rob, that sounds amazing. I wish you and your partner the best and enjoy every minute xx

Thank you very much!

Milly33

Oh sounds nice Rob best of luck too sounds amazing have a great time.. How did the wedding fair go saysay

Saysay19

Milly33 wrote: »

Oh sounds nice Rob best of luck too sounds amazing have a great time.. How did the wedding fair go saysay

The venue was done up lovely. There wasn't many vendors there to talk too but we talked with the manager for nearly a half hour and explained our dilemma. She was really nice and didn't fob us off at all.

She said if we did elope and decide to have something when we were back she would defnitely give us ideas and quotes.

So no pressure at all.

Thanks for asking Milly33 xx

Milly33

Hello oh that is good then, glad she didn't pressure ye, must be a lovely lady... Most of the fairs in fairness are the same old ding dong so I think a lot of vendors have giving up on them....

best of luck deciding what to do

Hazydays123

My husband and I eloped. It was the best decision I've ever made. It really felt like what I imagine a marriage should be all about- just the two of us making a huge commitment to each other without the sideshow of a wedding. Also it made great sense financially.

But we're very independent as a couple in general. Family, friends, etc didn't really get upset about it because they know we always do things a bit differently.