Being Gay and Asian

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I’m happily out and proud however I find that the Irish gay dating scene is working against me. Between “No asians” on Grindr and occasional insults at clubs which roll off me like teflon I’d like to get some of your thoughts on navigating these complicated waters!

To begin with, I’m an average looking twenty something who’s half Chinese with an Irish mother. Raised in an Irish culture I’d consider myself and act appropriately Irish. Can’t speak a word of Chinese, yada yada yada. I look mix, not fully one or the other as well. Personality wise I'm definitely not camp. I've never listened to Mariah, I like Beyonce but I don't get these lemon memes, you get the picture. That said I do dress fashion forward but doesn't the majority?

I also at the same time totally understand that some guys just aren’t attracted to certain types of men. Whether it’s body shape, height, ethnicity I get it. Personally, thighs and a heartbeat and a great personality - I’m good. I’d probably even date a toothbrush but I really do get it, everyones different.

The problem is being in this particular race in Ireland I find that if the person i’m with is attracted to me because I’m Asian, it’s because they view it as a fetish. In fact out of all the guys I’ve been with, only a small portion was actually with me because of me. Most of the guys say “Asians are my favourite” among other flattering comments about being Asian make me almost feel like a prize at the state fair. Another to add to the collection.

Being constantly paraded in that way has led me to not really being in a serious relationship. I feel like if I’m only being appreciated or the hook was my ethnicity, what’s to stop them from moving onto someone even more Asian than I am. Worse, I think my worst fear would be to cheated on. I’m not even polygamy curious but the idea that someone I have deep feelings for breaking the trust would really hurt me.

With all said and done, what is the solution. Do I continue to battle the scene and hopefully find a decent guy? Do I let my guard down and date some of these said people even if the hook or main source of attraction is my ethnicity? Or should I just do what most Irish twenty somethings do and emigrate for better prospects.

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Ten of Swords

BlueBlue44 wrote: »

I think my worst fear would be to cheated on. I’m not even polygamy curious but the idea that someone I have deep feelings for breaking the trust would really hurt me.

From your post it seems to me that fear of being cheated on is holding you back to some degree. Unfortunately it's a risk but you have to put yourself out there sometimes otherwise nothing will happen. You're obviously unhappy with the current situation so maybe being so risk averse isn't working out?

BlueBlue44 wrote: »

Do I continue to battle the scene and hopefully find a decent guy? Do I let my guard down and date some of these said people even if the hook or main source of attraction is my ethnicity?

Depends on what you're willing to accept/settle for in a relationship. If it makes you self conscious and you distrust their motivations then it's probably not going to work out well but we find people attractive or desirable for different reasons, ethnicity can be one, so just because someone is initially drawn to you for that reason does not mean it is impossible for you to find other things that you like about each other, although you will probably have to take the occasional comment on the chin, some people just have no dumbass filter!

BlueBlue44 wrote: »

should I just do what most Irish twenty somethings do and emigrate for better prospects.

I've heard of people emigrating for economic reasons, cultural experience and maybe traveling but never to find a boyfriend! I'd keep that one as a last resort :P

LegacyUser

Ten of Swords wrote: »

From your post it seems to me that fear of being cheated on is holding you back to some degree. Unfortunately it's a risk but you have to put yourself out there sometimes otherwise nothing will happen. You're obviously unhappy with the current situation so maybe being so risk averse isn't working out?

My OP was wrong, I must have been half a sleep. It should have been "I'm even Polygamy curious but the idea... and so forth"


Your probably right. I think it just stems from my parents fine marriage... /Sarcasm.

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Depends on what you're willing to accept/settle for in a relationship. If it makes you self conscious and you distrust their motivations then it's probably not going to work out well but we find people attractive or desirable for different reasons, ethnicity can be one, so just because someone is initially drawn to you for that reason does not mean it is impossible for you to find other things that you like about each other, although you will probably have to take the occasional comment on the chin, some people just have no dumbass filter!

Makes sense I guess it's just the initial fear and I guess it all comes down to fear. If my ethnicity is a hook 5 months in I'd hate to come in on him banging someone more exotic than me!

Ten of Swords wrote: »

I've heard of people emigrating for economic reasons, cultural experience and maybe traveling but never to find a boyfriend! I'd keep that one as a last resort :P

Obviously! Not that desperate. I was half asleep writing this! I guess I meant are the prospects better out there. I dunno, it just didn't seem as prominent in London. It's nearly the same however I found in NY.

Thanks for your thoughts though Ten of Swords!

newacc2015

Honestly if you weren't Asian you still find hate from people for another reason. The thing about Grindr is that is based on your appearance initially, which works against a lot of people. I find a sizeable amount of people on Grindr are not willing to talk to anyone who doesn't fit their perception of perfection, which varies from people to people

I have two friends who are half-Asian and half-Irish. I have seen how people are not attracted to them for being half-Asian ie one is quite dark. But I have noticed the same people have unrealistic expectations regarding men in general. The problem isn't that my friend is Asian, it is that they believe him and the other 99.9% of guys out there are not good enough for them. I think if people even they get to know who you are as a person and still choose not to date you based on your race are not the people you want to date IMO

Is there really much of a difference between a guy choosing to date because you are really good looking or because you are half-Asian? Both are based entirely on appearance. Dating is hard regardless of your appearance. It just takes time to find a guy that accepts you entirely for being you

Lyaiera

I get this. I get plenty of guys looking for "sum fun" because I'm trans. They have no interest in me as a person. They are only interested in me as a way to indulge themselves. You could be chatting away to them and it goes in one ear, they've one thing on their mind and it's not who you are its what you are.

Keep your chin up. You'll find someone. They may very well have a thing for Asian people but they'll also know you're a real person as well.

It sucks. It really does. But not everyone will treat you as an object. There's some great people out there. But yeah. I do get exactly what you're saying.

CdeC

Hey there,

I personally think it is disgusting that people put on their profile, No Asian. But look at it this way you immediately can see the assholes from the crowd.

What I would say is even though you find it annoying that lads only look at you because “Asian is their fave”. We all start with physical appearance and for whatever reason these guys find the features in Asian people to be particularly appealing. So step 1 they are physically attracted to you. If you are to them then great. Next is personality. So now you get to know each other. If they turn out to be a dick move on.

I do understand it is hard. If you look a little different people can be too judgemental. But just go out, meet people and be yourself and you’ll meet the good ones eventually.

Almond87

If that makes you feel better, there are lots of 100% Irish (with no Asian features at all) dealing with similar struggles. i'm talking about great people personality wise who are also good looking. It just doesn't happen. Indeed, they don't look Asian at all but are somehow rejected by all other kinds of reasons. And then there are also other Europeans living in Ireland complaining about the same. The fact that you don't look 100% Irish/European/whatever may look seem to be the root cause but it's not. It's just black or white - meaning the person is either interested in something about you or they're not, regardless of how superficial is the criterion they use to decide. Of course, I'm not talking now the assholes highlighting "No Asians, please!" (by the way, there's even a webpage out there where you can report all these douchebags writing such kind of things on Grindr, but that's a different story). So forget about them, they are a lost cause without any shadow of the doubt.

I used to complain a lot a few months ago about Grindr users and people you get to meet in the club. And I'm not Asian at all. And I'm very aware of my qualities and potential. I almost even started to generalize this as being a big Irish tumor in the Irish LGBT culture. Well, it's not. Whatever is bleeding there, it's worldwide, not Irish. Probably the only thing about Ireland is that Irish are quite difficult to date and these are just not my words only, however there are loads of exceptions about this as well. There are some great people out there, except most of them (I think) really good ones don't use Grindr and you most probably wouldn't find them in the clubs. At the same time, there are a few great people on Grindr and in the clubs who probably get just as frustrated for pretty much the same reasons.

Hang in there. It's just a matter of time before you'll meet the right people.

Regarding emigrating for better prospects - hope that was a joke . Unless you want to immerse yourself in a different culture for the experience.

LegacyUser

Almond87 wrote: »

If that makes you feel better, there are lots of 100% Irish (with no Asian features at all) dealing with similar struggles. i'm talking about great people personality wise who are also good looking. It just doesn't happen. Indeed, they don't look Asian at all but are somehow rejected by all other kinds of reasons. And then there are also other Europeans living in Ireland complaining about the same. The fact that you don't look 100% Irish/European/whatever may look seem to be the root cause but it's not. It's just black or white - meaning the person is either interested in something about you or they're not, regardless of how superficial is the criterion they use to decide. Of course, I'm not talking now the assholes highlighting "No Asians, please!" (by the way, there's even a webpage out there where you can report all these douchebags writing such kind of things on Grindr, but that's a different story). So forget about them, they are a lost cause without any shadow of the doubt.

I used to complain a lot a few months ago about Grindr users and people you get to meet in the club. And I'm not Asian at all. And I'm very aware of my qualities and potential. I almost even started to generalize this as being a big Irish tumor in the Irish LGBT culture. Well, it's not. Whatever is bleeding there, it's worldwide, not Irish. Probably the only thing about Ireland is that Irish are quite difficult to date and these are just not my words only, however there are loads of exceptions about this as well. There are some great people out there, except most of them (I think) really good ones don't use Grindr and you most probably wouldn't find them in the clubs. At the same time, there are a few great people on Grindr and in the clubs who probably get just as frustrated for pretty much the same reasons.

Hang in there. It's just a matter of time before you'll meet the right people.

Regarding emigrating for better prospects - hope that was a joke . Unless you want to immerse yourself in a different culture for the experience.

Oh it's definitely a joke. I had written a reply previously but the moderator didn't approve of it! I'm probably emigrating anyway but that's just probably gonna be a more of a I'm not being paid what I'm worth situation and I love to travel!

Honestly I just want to get peoples thoughts on the issue. I think it is an issue, it is something that's worldwide and talked about somewhat and it does exist in Ireland. A lot of the issue is discussed around those guys as opposed to what's the asian guy gonna do? I think the one clear concise answer is basically "Datings hard, it's probably gonna be harder for you."