19 year old virgin

Alice34

So basically I'm a 19 year old virgin and I'm a girl btw, I'm starting to feel really left out as it seems like everyone my age is having sex and I feel so innocent, I started college last September but I've reapplied to Cao as I hated my course so I dropped out. A lot of my friends have started to have casual sex with guys in college and I just don't want to do that. I know this sounds strange but I almost have a fear of guys? I think it started when I was 16 and I had a boyfriend who I actually really liked in the beginning but he started talking about having sex and doing more stuff after we had only been officially going out for a month or two which completely freaked me out. He ended up getting really angry at me and started giving out that we don't do anything so I just got really creeped out and was very upset and then in fifth and sixth year I just didn't want anything with anyone and pushed every guy away and focused on the leaving cert. As a result I think I have a bit of a reputation as a good girl but maybe a bit too good? I think I'm at the age where I'm ready for a relationship but I almost don't know how to get one because the first one I had went so badly. I almost don't know how to date and I do have a serious fear that guys only want sex due to my previous experience. I also have a huge fear as I feel like I'm a bit of a unicorn being a 19 year old virgin and I'm scared that guys will be put off by it. I have been using tinder but haven't met up with anyone off it as I'm afraid and wouldn't know where to meet up with them and constantly turn down dates and I feel like it's not the best place to meet guys. I'm going to get a summer job to take my mind off things as well. My close friends tell me I'm really pretty and I don't mean to brag but I do get approached in clubs by guys but I'm constantly afraid and reject attention. I'm just extremely shy and nervous when it comes to this sort of thing. I think sometimes guys think I'm extremely snobby and stuck up and would assume that I have experience if they don't know me well but I'm actually an innocent very shy girl. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to be like everyone else and have sex before college but I don't want to do it with a randomer, how can I overcome this and get into a relationship? And also for guys around my age is this a turn off?

gamblitis

How plainly can I put this?

ABSOLUTELY NOONE should make you feel under pressure to have sex before you want to.


Don't think you have to be like everyone else and start having casual sex. It'll happen when it happens and you'll know you're ready and even if you back out at the last second you'll take the plunge some other time and the guy you're with will respect your choice.

Meet some guys off tinder but tbh I wouldn't really be expecting a decent relationship. Use it as a tool to get out there and get chatting to guys. Meet for coffee, lunch, pick day time dates so you don't feel pressurised to do anything else. Make it public places too for obvious reasons.

Before you know it you'll be chatting to a great guy and you'll click big time. I served my OH for 4 years in a bar before we actually got together.

Don't rush things, everything works out in the end. You have far more important things to worry about like kicking ass at college and getting yourself a great career. You should be your first priority.

baby and crumble

Firstly, please stop assuming that everyone of your friends is riding all around them- they're not. I didn't loose my virginity until I was 21, and I wasn't that unusual tbh. I waited until I met someone I really really liked. I'm not the casual sex kinda person either. Do try and go on a few dates though, just to build your confidence of nothing else. And like the previous poster says, don't let anyone force or talk you into sex if you don't want it. Put that last guy out of your mind, he was 16 and an arsehole by the sounds of it. I really think the majority of guys won't pull stuff like that. Maybe I'm the naive one though.

If you want to have sex, have sex. If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19 either. It really isn't that much of a big deal. Guys that are put off you being a virgin probably aren't the kind of guys you want to associate with.

Vixen24

I was in my early 20s when I lost my virginity and it was no issue whatsoever when I had sex.I have never met a man with those kind of hang ups and frankly if I had, I just wouldnt have bothered sleeping with them,not when there are reasonable decent men out there (who might also be really hot ) I am sorry you had such a horrible experience with your first boyfriend, to be honest it sounds like you had a lucky escape, imagine if you had slept with someone like that? Imagine your regrets, do you think he would have been a considerate lover, respectful? It doesnt sound like it, you were completely within your rights to not have sex with someone whose idea of romancing you is insulting you for not sleeping with him ( wow what a catch!)

Deep down I think you know when someone is not right for you, deep down you don't want to sleep with an asshole, you don't want to even sleep with a potential ass hole, some people like the macho ass holes, you don't, either did I, and that's more than okay, its a great sign that you want your first experience to be positive, I have zero regrets because mine was a great . I can assure you, as happened to myself, when you meet someone who meets your standards, who has the right attitude, who doesn't cause you anxiety over an activity that should be enjoyable, and yes its brilliant when it is in a loving context, then you wont have these fears, it wont be an issue. You are beating yourself up but there is nothing wrong with you,cut yourself some slack.

LegacyUser

Seriously - please do not worry about this.

You just have to look through the threads here to see how many threads there about this by guys and girls, mainly in their early 20s. To be honest, it is nobody else's business but yours. Just don't discuss it. I mean seriously, why is it necessary for everyone to know the details of what you do in private?

I'm in my early 30s and I was that girl too. Seriously. I just wasn't comfortable enough to go home with random guys. And I said nothing to anybody about it. I was afraid that because I went to an all-girls secondary school I didn't know how to talk to guys, and was kind of afraid of them and their attention. I thought I'd never get a boyfriend and all my friends had one. I then went into a very male based college course and tortured myself for a good two years about my interactions with the lads. And then - to be honest, I started to get more comfortable in my skin, and realised that really, it was not a big deal. It came with age and more experience of life, and just from getting out on nights out and mixing with people and making some close friendships.

As it turned out, I met my now husband in college and we have two kids. Seriously, I know it feels like a really big thing for you now, because it did with me. But you will look back on this - and believe me, you will - even in a year or two and wonder what you were worried about (whether you've had sex or not). You will start to care less what other people's perception of you is, and you will become more comfortable with yourself.

And do not make the mistake of believing everything that everyone else says they are doing....You'd be better off to ditch Tinder and work on relationships in the real world. You're so young still, go out and enjoy life.You'll get more out of that than any social media website or dating app.

SarahMollie

I can only echo what the other posters have said. At 19 you have nothing to worry about and I can guarentee that you are by no means the odd one out. Talk and action don't always add up at that age.

I was 19 and about half way through my first year at college when I met my first proper boyfriend. We ended up sleeping together about 6 weeks later and were together for 2.5 years, so I know I was one of the lucky ones.

Prior to that, I'd dated a few guys earlier on in the year, and in hindsight I don't know why I gave some of them the time of day. I remember one who was just way too full on and constantly trying to sleep with me, almost to the point of begging/nagging. He ended up turning me off altogether and I was so happy in hindsight that I didn't just give in to him. There is nothing less attractive than a man who pesters you for sex.

A few of my friends were 20/21/22 before they had sex and not one of them regrets it. Trust me, being known as a good girl isnt a bad thing, and don't let anyone pressure you to have sex for the sake of it. Do it when you're happy and comfortable, and not before. No matter when that is.

PokeHerKing

If you're a hot 19yo virgin, no bloke will be put off by this. In fact most would stand in a very long line for this.

looksee

What everyone else has said. You will know when you really, really fancy someone and want to have sex with them. In the meantime relax, get on with your life - you are doing it right, and were when you refused the 16 year old. As someone else said, the kind of guys that would be put off by your being a virgin, or demanding sex as soon as you date are not the kind of guys you want to date anyway. And they really do not have to know whether you are a virgin or not, until you are totally ready to tell them; you don't need a placard!

LegacyUser

Don't worry about it OP. I'm a 28 year old virgin and it stopped bothering me years ago. I'm male, so maybe it's a little different, but remember that you never "owe" sex to anyone, no matter how long you've been going out with them.

baby and crumble

looksee wrote: »

You will know when you really, really fancy someone and want to have sex with them.

That's actually a really good point. When it's actually right, you'll know, because nobody will have to "talk you into" doing anything. It will feel really natural and just "right" to express those feelings physically.

LegacyUser

There’s nothing odd or wrong with you. It’s just that you’ve come along in an era where there’s a lot more casual sex and hook-ups. Casual sex is the norm for your friends but that does not mean that it’s the same for everybody. One night stands aren’t for everyone anyway. I have had the one night stands and a casual arrangement. I don’t regret my history but if I could turn back time I’d have kept my clothes on. I now know that casual sex is not for me and I need to be with a guy I have a connection with. There’s nothing wrong with being a “good girl”. Has anyone actually said it to you? Have a think about why it’d be a derogatory comment? If it comes from a guy’s mouth, it’d be because he’s only after one thing and he’s not the sort of person you want to date anyway. If it’s said by one of your friends, they might be feeling bothered that you’re not following their herd and sleeping around. You’re 19 and maybe still at the age where standing out from the crowd and being a bit different is anathema to you. Don’t be afraid to be you.

You did the right thing with your boyfriend when you were 16 but I hope you don’t let it overshadow your life. You met a guy who you thought was nice, you started going out, then the mask slipped. He turned out not to be the sort of person you thought he was. You said no. You may not think it now but some day you will be very proud of how your 16 year old self didn’t bow to pressure and have sex with someone who wasn’t a nice person. You will probably meet other people throughout your life – both male and female – who turn out not to be the person you first thought they were. It’s a part of life and you can’t let one bad experience stop you in your tracks.

If you’re not comfortable using Tinder, then don’t use it. Likewise, if you’re not comfortable in nightclubs, there’s nothing wrong with you. They can be stressful places for people – you’d be surprised how many people will admit to hating them but only go to them because it’s because that’s where their friends are going. There are plenty of other more relaxed ways to meet guys. A lot of people meet their other halves through friends, through work or through their hobbies.

Being a virgin won’t be a turn off for a nice guy. There are plenty of guys out there who’d be happier to date someone who hasn’t got an extensive sexual history. You’re still young and have plenty of time to meet someone nice. Don’t settle for second best or sleep with someone because you want to lose your virginity.

jezzer

Did it ever occur to you that all your friends may be telling lies? the stupid ones will probably be riding away and some of them will get caught out and get pregnant or get a disease but the clever ones pretend they are at it all the time, problem for you is, its affecting your confidence, defo go on a few dates and get the confidence back, to be honest a lot of guys are in the same boat too...dont always believe what people tell you...

c_meth

Hi OP.

You're young, smart, physically & mentally sound and come across as a lovely person. Have sex if you want to. Don't if you don't want to. You shouldn't give a fu(k what others think.

You'll meet someone who you feel entirely comfortable with and it will all fall into place. I wouldn't suggest giving yourself a deadline.

Incidentally Tinder is just for those looking for the ride...

dudara

I'm going to make a massive generalisation here, but I hope people can appreciate the humour. Young lads are horndogs, they just want to get their end away. Now, the nice young lads manage to keep their manners, while the idiots just pester and pester. Don't feel bad because you dated an idiotic young horndog. There are plenty good guys out there and one will appear for you.

And here's another secret. People boast about their sex lives when they're young. I bet you that more of your friends are virgins than you think.

Take your time and don't rush into anything you don't feel comfortable with. It will all come right in the end.

Legal Action

Op, in this day and age, there's not one man out there who's turned off by the idea of a virgin girl. Quite the opposite actually.

myshirt

Op, focus centrally on your college and your well being.

So what I mean by this is enjoy your friendships, make more friends, live your life, and aim successfully to learn, redirect your mindset from societal pressures like this, they do not matter in the big picture.

If it were me (and though I'm male), I'd get involved in a few different hobbies to meet people. You really won't meet a future husband in a bar or a house party. If you meet a guy, build a relationship, that is your goal, not something else, spend time enjoying life together. Sex will arrive after that, but let me tell you, I was on the opposite side of the equation here and tapped many a girl while in college, but soon found out that is not where you will ultimately find your happiness.

Best wishes.

OldNotWIse

Sounds like you are very level headed. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want. Sex for the first time is a big deal and can be nerve wracking even if its something you want, so if you do it even though you don't want to, you wont enjoy it. I wanted it the first time I did it, and I was still scared. I was 26 btw. I'm glad I waited.

chuckles30

I was 28 when I lost mine & if I had my time over, I would have waited longer. With hindsight, I still rushed into it even at that stage. So don't rush into anything.

When you meet someone and you develop a relationship with them, this side of the relationship will also develop naturally. In my experience since, sex gets better as you get more comfortable with each other. As someone else said, you don't ever have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.