Didn't know friends father had died

xavier8228

Hi everyone
I am looking for advice on this as its been eating me up since I found out. I have a friend who I haven't really spoken to much in the past 11 months. We had a falling out and I decided that we needed a break from each other so I didn't contact her except for a birthday card in December (as she was turning 30). She text me to say thank you and we exchanged texts but that's about it. I found out the day before yesterday (12th) that her father had died on the 4th (8 days ago). I never heard anything about it from our mutual friends and didn't know about it at all until I called a friend to ask. The reason I called was that I met her family on the 10th in town and her mother completely blanked me. I would have been friendly with her mother before this falling out but I didn't think she would blank me. I knew something was up.
So what do I do now? Is it too late to send a Mass card? Do I call my friend or call to her? I'm gutted I didn't know as I would have gone to the funeral. I've been thinking about it non stop over the past few days. I would hate for her to think I didn't care about her enough to go to her own fathers funeral.
Any advice on this? Thanks in advance

LynnGrace

Definitely not too late to send a Mass card, so do that.
I suggest making contact with her, as soon as possible, in order to sympathise. If she feels up to meeting up with you, or having you call to visit, go for it.

Wanderer78

Please make contact with your friend, very important part of the grieving process. Best of luck with it

exaisle

I think she will greatly appreciate contact from you at a time like this. Explain that you hadn't heard the sad news. She will understand.

Perhaps a good opportunity to rebuild bridges.

BabySlam

Send a Mass Card and a handwritten letter expressing sympathy to all the family. Put in a line directly to your friend e.g. "Mary, I will always remember your admiration for your father" or something like that. then offer your services if you can do anything at all for the family at this time. Apologise for not being in contact sooner as you heard of the death belatedly.

follow up in a week with a phone call

Big Bag of Chips

Send a mass card, and a personal card too. Try not to apologise too much in the card, as in make the card about them and their grief, not about you and the fact you weren't at the funeral.

I'd follow it up then with maybe a text or phone call next week to talk to your friend. They are going through an horrendous time. The mother might not have even noticed you in town. It was less than a week after she buried her husband. The woman is walking around in a blurr.

I know from experience, so many people approach you at a funeral that you don't really notice who wasn't there. And very often people can't get to funerals for any number of reasons. Trust me.. this is more about them and their grief than you and whether or not you've spoken to their daughter. You're probably not even on their register at the moment.

HelgaWard

If it was me I would call to the house with a card. Explain you had not heard and offer your sympathies. Some things are easier to do face to face, and they will appreciate the gesture.

xavier8228

Just to update you guys I called my friend twice but she didn't answer. She text me though last night to say she wasn't up for talking. I'll send her a letter this week with the Mass card I got. Thanks everyone for your help.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't read anything into her not answering your calls. What they are going through now, in the aftermath is in many ways more difficult than dealing with the immediate death, funeral arrangements etc. The last couple of weeks will have been hectic for them and they wouldn't have had a whole lot of time to sit and let the reality hit. That only comes afterwards, when the business of the funeral is over, and people are no longer calling to the house, and everyone else has moved on with their daily lives.

This is the time where very often people just want to be left alone to grieve in private. It's very difficult to publicly grieve, with well wishers shaking your hand and offering condolences, and feeling you are "on show" for the funeral goers.

I'd let her contact you. Send the card. Let her know you are thinking about her, but then back off. At least for a while. If she contacts you, lovely. If she doesn't, don't take it to heart. Very often friendships grow apart.

dixiefly

I can empathise with you being upset over this. I definitely think you should send a mass / sympathy card as you deem appropriate and a short note in which I would say something about not knowing.

As an aside have you figured out why your mutual friends said nothing to you? They dont sound like friends to me.