My boyfriend is driving me insane!

Heat_Wave

Long story short, I am with my boyfriend officially for six months, we were friends for two years previous to that. Both 26.

I have just realised, in the past six months, he has done absolutely nothing special for me, nothing. In the past six months, I bought tickets as a surprise to two concerts, I brought him to town for dinner as a surprise on three occasions (I wouldn't tell him where we were going), and I brought him to the Aviva stadium to see a rugby match. The only thing he has actually done for me during the past six months is make me a homemade card for my birthday and bring me to a hookah bar the night of my birthday which cost €25 in total. My blood is boiling as I write this as I cannot believe I have only realised this now. I look at my friends and how their boyfriends treat them and I look at mine and I become very depressed.

I have even stopped asking him to stay over in mine after nights out as he will cuddle me in bed and pick his nose right in my face. I have asked him to stop on numerous occasions and it makes my stomach churn, and I end up having to change my bed sheets when he leaves as I'm so paranoid that he may have left sn*t on my bedsheets! He gets defensive and goes a little mad if I ask him to stop.

I will make plans with him on the weekend and he will call me and ask if we can go out with the lads instead, or he will ask me if we can postpone our date until the next day so that he can go out with his friends that night.

Apart from all of this, he is very sweet and he wouldn't intentionally hurt a fly. I genuinely believe he is a little 'slow', however I have had 'the conversation' with him a million times as to how things need to change and they never do.

I am so upset here as I have a feeling everyone will tell me to break up with him, but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now.

Thanks
HW

dee_mc

Wow, you think he's a little slow? That's really charming! Maybe don't use that exact phrase when talking to him (or talking about him) as it's really very insulting and condescending.
Anyway, yeah, I would say you need to break up with him. You're clearly not happy in the relationship and you seem to have asked him to make more of an effort to treat and surprise you etc, without success, so do both of ye a favour - don't stay in a relationship with someone you don't seem to have much affection for, purely so you can say you're in a relationship!

CloudCumulus

Hi,

If you want to be with him for a more long term relationship, give it a little more time. Men need to be 'trained' into relationships sometimes. I know that doesn't sound great but essentially they don't seek the relationships comforts like we do.
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, living together for 5. When we first started going out, he lived in an attic room with a separate kitchen. It was always filthy, the bed sheets were never clean and the sock bin sitting in a corner like roadkill.
I'd make plans, he'd agree, then do the change/postpone for the lads thing.
Basically if you get mad enough he'll see the issue. My man would tidy up, stick to plans. Even today he'd never plan a holiday or anything, but is happy to go and pay the half. He buys me surprise flowers and I love that. And be wary of your perceptions, other people's relationships usually look better but really never are.
Basically it takes time to relationship-ise a man. 6 months is quite a while, so don't leave it too much longer. But if you can see it last, just keep voicing your annoyance if you don't think he's acting reasonably.

Clampdown

Well, I won't tell you to break up with him, it's easy advice to give when not in the situation.

What I can tell you is that we men rarely change. And if we do it's not usually while we are in a relationship that we feel nose-pickingly comfortable in, though I have heard that an impending childbirth can cause some men to get their spit together. Not suggesting you get preggers btw. The cost involved will likely cancel out the potential for the romantic dinners you desire.

Unfortunately for women, many of us also will not change things even when told because we are either incapable, not bothered or just because we don't like being told what to do. I had a gf who once insisted I give up something, which I knew would do me a world of good. But I never bothered, until a few months after our breakup. I knew I could do it, but it had to be MY choice.

Which brings me to ask, why would you want to force your boyfriend to do romantic things when he clearly doesn't want to? How much satisfaction would you get from a forced gesture? You'd hardly even enjoy it since he's already way behind on the scorecard in your head.

Or more to the point, why be with a boyfriend that has to be reminded or forced to do things to make you feel appreciated? You're very early on in the relationship for the spark to be dying out. I'm sorry but he's not going to one day just magically 'get it' and start doing these things automatically, and it's not because he's slow at all. He's clever enough to have figured out the bare minimum effort required to have HIS needs met.

But you can try and talk to him. It's only fair to give him a chance but will likely lead to an argument. Refrain from comparing him to your friends partners (you're not dating them and I'm sure your mates only tell the good bits, their bfs probably pick their nise too). You can be honest and tell him that you feel like you are putting more effort into doing special things for the other person and you want to feel more appreciated. Just be prepared for it to not work at all or he makes some half arsed effort one time and that's it.

Clampdown

I realize my post contradicts a lot of what the poster above me says, but I stand by my claim that you cannot usually nag a man into being someone he is not, nor do I think a relationship where this is necessary is going to be enjoyable for either party. Also, it's a lot easier to get a man to tidy up his socks a bit more than it is to get him to invest more thought and effort into their partner's emotional needs for things like affection. It's a whole different way of thinking which should be there already and is a much bigger problem if it's not. I don't think you can 'nag' that quality into a person, nor should you have to.

CloudCumulus

Nice to see a male perspective on this. OP you will also need to figure out if you're compatible.
If you enjoy going out several nights a week and he doesn't, he won't plan to take you out a lot. Similarly for holidays and things.
It's not always the case that your boyfriend doesn't want to either, he may be happy to go along, but isn't the type to think 'i must book us a little getaway' so My girlfriend can tell her friends I'm taking her away.
I think this is where your problem lies too, you want bragging rights more than a loving relationship so your friends on instagram can see you're #spoilt.
Why not just be happy taking the control of booking a few evenings together here and there. If he likes you, he'll realise he enjoys these things and won't postpone them for the lads.

Calypso Realm

Clampdown wrote: »

.
He's clever enough to have figured out the bare minimum effort required to have HIS needs met.

All of the post but this in particular. Hit the nail on the head here. IME men's IME actions are determined by how much we're willing to tolerate in a relationship.

Heat_Wave

Thank you all for the responses. They are very interesting. Apologies to the first poster for my use of the word 'slow'. I meant no offence or harm by it. I was merely suggesting the possibility that he might in fact 'be' slow, which I don't think is wrong.

I am getting the impression that people are saying you cannot change a man, and if you try, he will consider you to be a nag and will purposely not change. What can one do then?

As a female, if I really liked a guy, and he told me 'X' thing about me was really bothering/annoying him, I would go out of my way to change that 'X' thing as I really like him.

I really don't know how to go about this. We met for a long chat only two weeks ago about this exact issue, and now two weeks later, I fear if I suggest we have another chat, HE will tell ME where to go, even though he is completely wrong in his behaviour. I don't know what to do and it is causing me a lot of stress. I have not slept a wink.

Pawwed Rig

The 'advice' given so far is ridiculous. It assumes that all men are a hive mind who think and act in a uniform manner. As for the person who thinks men need to be 'trained' well the less said about that the better other than to pity the poor unfortunate 'trainee'.
OP, you do not seem happy. Are you sure the bf is the source of this unhappiness? Even when he makes an effort you do not appreciate it ie hookah bar. The source of all my relationship breakups has been the unhappiness of one or both people.If you want to change your boyfriend then ask yourself why did you get with him in the first place. Is who he is not good enough for you? If not then no amount of changing or pacifying is going to help.

Merkin

CloudCumulus wrote: »

Hi,

If you want to be with him for a more long term relationship, give it a little more time. Men need to be 'trained' into relationships sometimes. I know that doesn't sound great but essentially they don't seek the relationships comforts like we do.
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, living together for 5. When we first started going out, he lived in an attic room with a separate kitchen. It was always filthy, the bed sheets were never clean and the sock bin sitting in a corner like roadkill.
I'd make plans, he'd agree, then do the change/postpone for the lads thing.
Basically if you get mad enough he'll see the issue. My man would tidy up, stick to plans. Even today he'd never plan a holiday or anything, but is happy to go and pay the half. He buys me surprise flowers and I love that. And be wary of your perceptions, other people's relationships usually look better but really never are.
Basically it takes time to relationship-ise a man. 6 months is quite a while, so don't leave it too much longer. But if you can see it last, just keep voicing your annoyance if you don't think he's acting reasonably.

Your post actually beggars belief. If you are genuinely not being contentious for the sake of it or trying to fly under the radar as a troll I'd ask you to kindly refrain from any unhealthy gender stereotypes, they are not welcome here. Please go and read the charter.

CaraMay

The nose thing is absolutely disgusting and I'm gagging thinking about it. What a disgust he is.

A mistake I made years ago with an ex was yo believe that we would be a good couple just because we were good friends. It's not necessarily so.

It's only 6 months in, he's taking you for granted and has low standards of personal hygiene. You are young and can do better. Someone who likes to reciprocate nice gestures and who enjoyed nights out with you, not just the lads. You can easily witter away a few years with this guy and nothing will change.

Big Bag of Chips

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I am getting the impression that people are saying you cannot change a man, and if you try, he will consider you to be a nag and will purposely not change. What can one do then?

Accept the person for who they are, or accept that you are not compatible and take the chance that you will find someone who you don't feel you need to change.

Some people are great at the "romantic surprises" things. Others aren't. You are comparing your bf to your friends', and in your eyes he doesn't measure up. So you either accept him and stop comparing him to the social media versions that your friends show the world, or you leave him and you go find a fella just like your friends' boyfriends. Because obviously these people exist if all your friends have found them.

Why settle for something that you are losing sleep over when you know there are alternatives?

Heat_Wave

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I am so upset here as I have a feeling everyone will tell me to break up with him, but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now

It seems that you are staying with him against your better judgement and because being with him is better than being alone. You know full well these are not good reasons to be in a relationship and I'm pretty sure you know he's not the guy for you.

Don't be afraid, it's better to take chances in order to find the right person for you, and it will be worth it when you do.

ManOfMystery

I don't think there's any mileage at all in this relationship.

He sounds like he couldn't even be bothered trying (which you might expect 6 years into a failing relationship, not 6 months - you're meant to be in the honeymoon period!) ............................................... and you sound like you have a fairly low opinion of some of his characteristics anyway. I don't think this is going to go anywhere.

I think it's more important you work on your self confidence.

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I am so upset here as I have a feeling everyone will tell me to break up with him, but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now.

This spoke volumes. Why be down because you're on your own? There is nothing wrong at all with periods of singledom. If you can be happy on your own, then it puts you into a much better place mentally and means you don't have to 'depend' on a relationship to keep you sane. IMO you're settling for certain things at the moment rather than be on your own, and that shouldn't be the way as it will never fulfil you. Don't compromise yourself.

Merkin

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I am so upset here as I have a feeling everyone will tell me to break up with him, but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now.

HW

You need to break up on this basis alone. It is so damaging and unhealthy to be with someone for the sake of it, particularly when you don't even seem to like them very much.

Sapphire

Basically what you are saying is that he doesn't prioritise you. He chooses to continue with a habit that would turn most people's stomachs. He thinks its acceptable to cancel plans with you in favour of his mates.

The handmade card is kind of sweet - if it was made with thought and love and not because he left it too late to get you a shop bought one. Which by the sounds of the other stuff is more likely.

I don't think its about money or gifts either. Even if you could 'train' a man (which you cant, trust me on that one!) you can't train someone to think about you in a spontaneous, considerate and romantic way. And if you have to tell him or prompt him or nag him, then it cancels out the very thing you were trying to achieve.

It really should be a honeymoon period for you only after a few months, but you sound like you've been married for decades and the love and affection has long since been consigned to history leaving behind only obligation and bad habits. If you consider that usually the best behaviour shown in your relationship is in the early days, have a think about a year or two years down the line when he gets really comfortable doing the gross stuff in your presence.

batmanrobin

Yeah, OP, to echo what others have said, you can't train someone to be a considerate person (as an aside, this whole notion of training men is quite repulsive). He doesn't sound like a great catch and you really don't sound happy. For your own sake you'd be better off ending it. Being alone is much better than being miserable in an unhappy relationship.

Rachiee

Honestly it sounds like you are only with him because you like the idea of having a boyfriend and now you are getting frustrated because he is not living up to that idea. You don't sound like you have any genuine connection.
Ask yourself what you are getting from the relationship and based on that is it worth continuing.
Also ask yourself what is so terrible about being alone if it's secondary narcissism your looking for in a relationship you'll never be satisfied I know it sounds trite but you really need to love yourself first you're not going to find that in someone else.

racso1975

Going by your op you are fecked if you do and fecked if you don't. The later part particularly concerns me. Why would you be more depressed out of the relationship then in it??

You also need stop comparing your relationship and future ones to your friends as you only ever see the good stuff and not all the stuff that goes on behind closed doors or how hard they may have to work at it.

The buying of gifts dinners etc: your decision. I presume you were not coerced into it. Did you buy them in expectations of getting some back? Some people only consider that stuff at birthdays and xmas.

I don't know how often the out with the lads thing has happened?

Just a bit more info if you don't mind.

How often do you see each other a week?

Does he have his own place?

Does he work in a job that would give him the same spending power as you?

Thanks

Heat_Wave

racso1975 wrote: »

I don't know how often the out with the lads thing has happened?

How often do you see each other a week?

Does he have his own place?

Does he work in a job that would give him the same spending power as you?

Thanks

We see each other once a week, which I find bizarre considering he has Friday evening, all day Saturday and all day Sunday to spare. However he allocates a least one night to the lads per week, and spends the entire next day dying, so we can't even make daytime plans.

He lives at home, but his parents are cool with me staying in his, and likewise with mine.

He is on 25k, lives st home, with no expenses other than his car.

SarahMollie

Firstly, I'm not going to dwell on the "slow" comment as I really can't even get my head around that one, but however...

My OH wouldn't be good at buying me things outside of birthdays/christmas, but I really don't think thats the sign of a bad relationship. He's not remotely materialistic so i think "gifts" for no reason just wouldnt occour to him. I'm also more into planning activities and therefore am more likely to buy tickets events etc also. For example I just bought us tickets for Taste of Dublin. Would he have bought them for us if left to his own devices? Not a hope. But all the same, we'll both enjoy it, and he'll make sure to buy me drinks on the night so our spending isnt totally out of whack. He's just not the type to plan stuff like that.

I, on the other hand, am a gift giver by nature. Doesnt have to be anything big, but if I see something I think he'd like, I tend to get it and give it to him. Like last week I was shopping and saw some socks in really geometrical pattern and knew he'd love them, so I got them for him. This is just a small example, but what I'm trying to say is that I do nice things for him because I want to, not just because I want something in return.

He's sweet to me in other ways, like he'd bring me tea in bed or cook me breakfast when I'm hungover. Nice gestures don't have to cost money, sometimes its the simple things that are the nicest.

Ultimately though, it sounds like the relationship isnt really working, as your expectations are just so off from each other.

I'd be more concerned about him repeatedly picking his nose in bed even though you've told him how much you hate it.
Also, cancelling on you on a regular basis is just not good boyfriend behaviour. Obviously its healthy for him to spend time with his mates, but he could definitely be handling that a lot better.

SarahMollie

racso1975 wrote: »

You also need stop comparing your relationship and future ones to your friends as you only ever see the good stuff and not all the stuff that goes on behind closed doors or how hard they may have to work at it.

The buying of gifts dinners etc: your decision. I presume you were not coerced into it. Did you buy them in expectations of getting some back? Some people only consider that stuff at birthdays and xmas.

This is so true. I know couples who spend a fortune on each other and its just ridiculous. I even have a friend in work who once asked me for a loan until payday because she was broke, but really she'd bought her BF a Macbook Pro that same month, so it was hardly a surprise.

They were non stop buying each other OTT stuff, and going on holidays.

What did it say about their relationship if it needed propping up by all this extra stuff. They were inadvertently putting each other under so much pressure and it wasnt sustainable.

Stuff is not the measure of a healthy relationship.

You can't train someone for anything. Nor can you really change who they are. They are living at home, as you said, and nobody brings them up on the actions that you consider "disgusting" - at home is in a place where he feels comfortable to do these things. You are a symbol of comfort, which means that he would absentmindedly step into habits that he'd do in those situations.

The fact that you refer to him as "slow", are using quite passionate negative language about him ("makes my blood boil", "depressed", etc.) is enough to show that this relationship is a bit of a no-go, I'm afraid. He doesn't make an effort, probably because that's just not who he is. And, as discussed, you really can't change someone. Sure, they might every now and then, but how long until they rest back into their old habits?

Then we reach the fact that you're essentially only with him so you wouldn't be lonely. Meaning the person doesn't matter. What does is the relationship. It could literally be Tom, Dick, or Harry and it wouldn't matter.

That's a problem. Because, like you're seeing, you could enter into a relationship you're. just. not. happy in. with someone you don't actually want to be with, because you don't want to be lonely. Sort out your issues with loneliness. Be happy with yourself before committing again. Then you'll be with someone because you want to as opposed to feeling the urge to be with someone.

Also don't compare yourself to other couples. It's like looking at someone's life on Facebook or other social media and thinking, "jesus, they have a great life", whereas in truth the only side you see is the good. Most relationships have issues behind closed doors that you mightn't see. Plus every relationship is different.

Break up with this guy. Find someone you're happy with and let him find someone who will be happy with who he is, because you're not.

Degringola

OP, even if he was the most generous George Clooney in the world, the nose picking? No, just no, barf. Could you see yourself living with this 7 days a week?

KikiDee

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I am so upset here as I have a feeling everyone will tell me to break up with him, but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now.

I really think this is what you need to address OP. You can't be in a healthy relationship when you're not comfortable being by yourself.

DukeOfTheSharp

I was in a situation like this, only with the genders reversed. Basically, your BF doesn't understand what's involved in a relationship, that it's a two way street of give and take. I often find that people like your BF are generally selfish, raised in environments where bad behavior is ignored, and the fact of the matter is that he doesn't equate your needs with his. Believe me when I say that you'll never change this, some people are just raised to be the most selfish and oblivious people they can possibly be, and when you introduce someone like yourself - who's willing to go above and beyond - it's simply because you care about them, and so he feels like he doesn't need to reciprocate.

Basically OP, the chap isn't slow, he's a sneaky and underhanded, and manipulates you into getting what he wants, and continually leads you on and lets you down. I mean, to be honest, some of the crap he's pulling falls under the umbrella of emotional abuse: canceling plans last minute, never reciprocating on planning, not respecting your wishes and boundaries despite you making it clear what they are, not listening to you when you try to discuss issues. And the whole defensiveness and going mad over you asking him to stop doing something you find gross? That's abusive.

Look, I can speak from experience here, it really feels awful when you're with someone who doesn't care about your feelings, who treats you like you're the issue, when you're not. While breaking up might make you feel down, trust me when I say that right now, that's his influence talking. He's inserted himself in your life in such a way that everything revolves around his crap, whether you realise it or not, and getting out of this is literally the only way to start rebuilding your life. Talk to a counselor, spend time with friends, relax and do things you enjoy, and most importantly, cut his toxicity off entirely, no contact, no interaction, sever that connection now and you'll steadily start feeling better. I know it sucks, I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but there's no recovering from this. Just keep in mind that you deserve better than his treatment of you.

Heat_Wave

I realise I need to work on my own happiness, however I would also like to make this relationship work.

As it stands, he cancelled plans on me last Sunday to hang out with his friends. I expressed my anger and disappointment through text, and I haven't heard from him since, and today is Wednesday.

Heat_Wave

Heat_Wave wrote: »

in the past six months, he has done absolutely nothing special for me, nothing.

I look at my friends and how their boyfriends treat them and I look at mine and I become very depressed.

I have even stopped asking him to stay over in mine after nights out as he will cuddle me in bed and pick his nose right in my face. I have asked him to stop on numerous occasions and it makes my stomach churn, and I end up having to change my bed sheets when he leaves as I'm so paranoid that he may have left sn*t on my bedsheets!

He gets defensive and goes a little mad if I ask him to stop.

I will make plans with him on the weekend and he will call me and ask if we can go out with the lads instead, or he will ask me if we can postpone our date until the next day so that he can go out with his friends that night.

Heat_Wave wrote: »

We met for a long chat only two weeks ago about this exact issue, and now two weeks later, I fear if I suggest we have another chat, HE will tell ME where to go, even though he is completely wrong in his behaviour.

I don't know what to do and it is causing me a lot of stress. I have not slept a wink.

Heat_Wave wrote: »

We see each other once a week, which I find bizarre considering he has Friday evening, all day Saturday and all day Sunday to spare. However he allocates a least one night to the lads per week, and spends the entire next day dying, so we can't even make daytime plans

Heat_Wave wrote: »

he cancelled plans on me last Sunday to hang out with his friends. I expressed my anger and disappointment through text, and I haven't heard from him since, and today is Wednesday.

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I am so upset here as I have a feeling everyone will tell me to break up with him, but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now.

I realise I need to work on my own happiness, however I would also like to make this relationship work.

I'm sorry OP but you're backing a total loser here. Yes, you need to work on your happiness and when you find it you'll be shocked at what you tolerated. Cut him loose and focus on yourself.

Flippyfloppy

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I realise I need to work on my own happiness, however I would also like to make this relationship work.

As it stands, he cancelled plans on me last Sunday to hang out with his friends. I expressed my anger and disappointment through text, and I haven't heard from him since, and today is Wednesday.

In fairness it doesn't sound like there is any relationship to make work. You're only reasoning for this is not wanting to be alone. That's not fair on either of you. Plus you're putting up with this nonsense rather than 'be alone'. There's nothing lonelier than an empty relationship. I speak from experience in a similar situation that I let go on way too long.

Heat_Wave

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I realise I need to work on my own happiness, however I would also like to make this relationship work.

Why?

batmanrobin

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Why?

Why, indeed?! OP, your sole reasoning for wanting to be with this guy is because you don't want to be alone. Honestly it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship there anyway. So why on earth do you want to still continue with him? Are you really willing to settle for so little? Come on, value yourself more than that for god's sake.

armaghlad

If he's picking his nose when you're with him, imagine what he picks when you leave the room...

Big Bag of Chips

As already asked, why? Why do you want to make it work? And for how long? Do you love this fella enough to marry him? To spend the next 40 years with him. To have children with him. To wake up next to him every day for the rest of your life? Or do you just want to make it work because a really unhappy relationship is better than no relationship at all?

You don't even sound like you like him all that much. Don't force something that's not there. You haven't heard from him. He's not all that bothered. Maybe to him this is the perfect relationship. He's can tell people he has a girlfriend without actually having "a girlfriend", and having to do stuff with her. But I suppose you're just happy to have a boyfriend, without actually having "a boyfriend"?

FortySeven

Typical.

Find man you like.

Set about changing man into what you think you want.

No longer like man.

Rinse, repeat.

brevity

Heat_Wave wrote: »

but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now.

I'd start looking into this first before anything else. Don't be with someone because you don't like being alone, it's a recipe for disaster.

squonk

After reading all the posts so far OP all I can think of is that this guy is immature. Dropping you to go out with the lads and spending the next day dying is a bit much really. If he really was into the relationship he'd shape up a bit so that you could both do someting on a Saturday. Maybe not every Saturday but often enough.

All that springs to mind to me after all of this is that you're just someone to be with. You're handy enough to have around, he can say he's with someone, you're there for the bit of emotional, romantic, sexual support when needed but, really, he's not all in in this and he's probably already twigged that you're more invested than he is, which is a nice place to be in from his point of view.

Don't do this to yourself. If you're in a bad place often the thought of changing your place can seem like a worse solution when infact it's exactly what you need. Fear of the unknown is fairly powerful. You're better off by far taking time out and finding someone who really wants to be with you and values all that you are rather than the situation you're currently in.

JJayoo

So you're jealous of all things your friends are getting?

I ain't saying she a golddigger.... but it's heavily implied

brevity

Heat_Wave wrote: »

Long story short, I am with my boyfriend officially for six months, we were friends for two years previous to that. Both 26.

Is it possible that he hasn't moved on from the friendship part of your relationship? That he still thinks of you has a friend?

At this point I think you should start focusing on yourself. What are your interests/hobbies and dive straight into them.

Merkin

FortySeven wrote: »

Typical.

Find man you like.

Set about changing man into what you think you want.

No longer like man.

Rinse, repeat.

If you have nothing constructive to post kindly don't bother. PI isn't here as a venting platform to air ones own insecurities, try setting up a blog.

Merkin

JJayoo wrote: »

So you're jealous of all things your friends are getting?

I ain't saying she a golddigger.... but it's heavily implied

Totally unhelpful and unconstructive. Kindly go and remind yourself of the charter before posting again.

JJayoo

Note to self only post super positive things, girl power.

OP you deserve so much more, you should be treated like a queen, and he should buy you lots of things and bring you out all the time #blessed

CloudCumulus

Merkin you seriously need to moderate yourself.
This 'kindly go' is weird and an unnecessary way to speak to people. Remember it's an internet forum, there's a great big world out there for you to find yourself in.

Merkin

JJayoo wrote: »

Note to self only post super positive things, girl power.

OP you deserve so much more, you should be treated like a queen, and he should buy you lots of things and bring you out all the time #blessed

CloudCumulus wrote: »

Merkin you seriously need to moderate yourself.
This 'kindly go' is weird and an unnecessary way to speak to people. Remember it's an internet forum, there's a great big world out there for you to find yourself in.

Yellow cards to both of you for dragging the thread off topic. Don't post in this thread again.

woodchuck

Heat_Wave wrote: »

The only thing he has actually done for me during the past six months is make me a homemade card for my birthday and bring me to a hookah bar the night of my birthday which cost €25 in total. My blood is boiling as I write this as I cannot believe I have only realised this now. I look at my friends and how their boyfriends treat them and I look at mine and I become very depressed.

Why do you care how much money he spends on you? There are plenty of people who only do presents etc on special occasions and it sounds like he did make the effort for your birthday. This should not be the benchmark for a healthy/happy relationship.

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I will make plans with him on the weekend and he will call me and ask if we can go out with the lads instead, or he will ask me if we can postpone our date until the next day so that he can go out with his friends that night.

This is the bit that would bother me the most. How often does it happen though? If you're making plans with him in advance every Saturday night and he wants to change that the odd time to see his friends, then fair enough. I know when I was younger, my friends would only make plans on short notice, so I never would've gotten to see them if I'd 'booked up' my Saturday night every week. But if he's doing this most weekends, then a serious chat is needed.

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I am so upset here as I have a feeling everyone will tell me to break up with him, but the thought of being on my own kills me as I know I will become very down, even more so than now.

As others have said, you really need to address this. You can't depend on another person to make you happy and it's actually very unfair to put this pressure on someone else (whether conscious or not). You need to learn how to be happy on your own. It's much worse to be in the wrong relationship than on your own.

Clampdown

OP, feeling underappreciated by someone you care about is hardly preferable to being single. I don't want to say you should break up, I think only the person in the situation can make that decision, but it's much easier to find happy relationships when they aren't born out of a desperate fear of loneliness. Women (and men) who I've known who have that fear and just can't bear to be alone for a bit, I find they have a remarkably low amount of happy relationships, they go from one bad one to another bad one.

Don't be afraid of being single. Also consider this: you're not leaving room for a better partner to come into your lifr while hanging onto one who is not working out.

When I was younger I had a partner who wanted more attention than I was willing to give at the time. She also had a fear of being alone. We had been together for much longer than yu and your bf but still, the same thing, the spark was gone. The nagging led to arguments and was really toxic and hateful to the point I ended things after one of them. She, like yourself, felt underappreciated but still wanted to work things out but I stuck to my guns. About a month later she met someone else and we're all better off now with the way things turned out. You don't have to end up sad and alone forever if you do decide to move on. You do just that: you move on.

It just seems like a very short amount of time to be getting taken for granted already, but all you can do, if you want to work it out, is clearly communicate your concerns and give him the chance to improve. And buy him a box of Kleenex!