6 years living together, one child and he still won't divorce his wife!

CorkSinead

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I'm sorry to ask but do you think he's still in love with her

I don't think he is still in love with her, but I do think he finds it incredibly hard to move and change. In fact I wonder how on earth he left in the first place. He had the role of being provider for everyone, doing everything, and got a lot of pride from that. His wife relied on that heavily, and that dynamic didn't stop when they separated.

So love, no, but feeling needed and wanted, perhaps yes.

CorkSinead

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op what difference will it actually make if he gets a divorce? I don't mean the obvious ones like being free, next of kin, possibility of remarriage etc.

What difference will it make to your relationship? Sometimes we can focus on the wrong thing (and I've done it myself) and forget the more important parts.
He will still be the same person, a divorce cert won't change it.
I've asked a couple of times and you haven't answered but if he's struggling for money it could be he doesn't want to rock the boat and end up paying a fortune for a divorce, especially if the ex has the potential to be nasty.

Sorry if I didn't answer. Yes he does worry a lot about money and he is, we are struggling. But he pays for a lot of stuff that we don't really need. I don't think a judge would agree to pay her more, as she got most assets etc already. He may have to sort pensions out, but if he doesn't he's just putting off paying at some point.

I guess I do feel an increasing resentment that he is all talk and no trousers kind of thing. 6 years I've waited for him to divorce. I also want to sort out pensions with him and how I can feel more part of this home. None of that can start without a divorce. I want to build up more time with him, and I want to help take off the stress of work by considering other options for money. Even moving to a smaller house. Whatever it takes. I'd like to consider all of these things.

CorkSinead

jimd2 wrote: »

Tell him you wont have sex with him again until he finalises the divorce.

Ha! That might actually work!

LegacyUser

I feel awful for suggesting this, but do you think that he has decided that he 'can't cope' with your child who has special needs, and that this is making him drag his heels?

It just sounded like he went from someone who wanted to commit, to someone allergic to commiting. Can you think of any other reason - apart from laziness? Is his ex trying to manipulate him about maintenance/child support, or access? Were his family very cut up about the separation, and then relationship with you?

Tbh I'd be thinking that the reason behind it doesn't matter. What does matter is that he doesn't value you, your relationship, or your child together enough to have a grown up discussion about this. Maybe he's still very burnt from his marriage - but that doesn't mean that it's ok for him to stick his head in the sand, and that you have to be OK being upset and disappointed.

It's a hard one. IMO though, he needs to cop on and seriously pull up his socks, or realise that he may well lose you.

CaraMay

Op what I see in all of this is that you are taking a passive position. He persuaded you to be in a relationship with him, then you moved in and had a kid really quickly, you are accepting him breaking promises to you about the divorce, you accept all the stuff he does for his wife even though it doesn't make you happy.

I think you need to start protecting yourself by getting work and building up a nest egg for yourself. He's not going to change but you are only going to resent him more and more. You don't want to end up on the street with nothing so get working and planning and saving for your own future and your own pension. If ye break up there isn't going to be enough for 3 adults to pull out of and he will definitely look after the wife before you by the sounds of it

daisybelle2008

jimd2 wrote: »

Tell him you wont have sex with him again until he finalises the divorce.

CorkSinead wrote: »

Ha! That might actually work!

That's sounds like a terrible idea, using sex as a form of emotional blackmail.

OP your relationship sounds dysfunctional enough as it is.

Pawwed Rig

CorkSinead wrote: »

He bought her a house in her name, as part of their separation agreement. He wanted her to have complete security.

What about your security?

fits

OP honestly I would be looking at creating some financial independence for yourself so you can leave if necessary. This situation is completely unfair on you. If you have a special needs child he can take over some of the responsibility while you earn some money for yourself.

CorkSinead

I've extracted some of what you said and put it in (what I hope is) more or less date order. Do you think this sounds like a good relationship?

CorkSinead wrote: »

I was concerned he was overburdened already, and didn't want to be with him. He pursued me for many months and persuaded me to be serious. I moved me and my son in and we had a child.

We could have made a great couple, have much in common, but he's just dragged his heels from the time I've moved in. We planned our baby, who has severe special needs, so I feel left high and dry. It's true if he asked me to marry him tomorrow there would still be that anger in me about having to be left dangling for so long

Our relationship started really well, very solid, planned baby, it did happen quicker than we thought but then cracks started to appear. A lot was stress from outside of us.

He started to say to me that he felt all washed up and unable to commit again. Unfortunately that was when I was pregnant, so a bit late! I asked for counseling then. It's just taken me 3 years to get him there!

He's just much more wobbly than I thought

I've told him clearly, and he me, that we need a lot of counseling and thinking through marriage. I've told him I'm not ready to marry him yet.

I made a mistake I think, I had a child with DP and genuinely thought we were starting afresh (albeit still having responsibilities to children which I fully accepted)

I will not stay with him as it stands.

And a few choice items about your partner:

CorkSinead wrote: »

I just think that part of the reason for not committing to me is that he got his fingers well and truly burnt the first time

Last year I finally kicked him out for a few months so we could both have some space apart. He ended up missing me a lot and wanting to remake a commitment. As soon as he moves back in he gets complacent

He is a huge procrastinator and ignores any issues. Often later, he has either agreed or seen enough of my point of view to resolve many things. But it takes so long

he is all talk and no trousers kind of thing.

He hasn't got much money, but he spent thousands on his teeth two years ago

[he] bought her a house which is in her name. Which is one of the reasons he is stressed, he mortgaged up to the hilt to do that, and now has very little spare income.

he pays for a lot of stuff that we don't really need

He had the role of being provider for everyone, doing everything, and got a lot of pride from that. His wife relied on that heavily, and that dynamic didn't stop when they separated.

My partner keeps making it clear he is the one on the mortgage. For a man who likes to see himself as fair it has made me angry that he isn't treating me equally.

There is enough to make a good relationship - BUT for his attitude towards it

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. He's treating you very unfairly, especially compared to how he's treated his first family ... why on earth should you take second place to them. As difficult and complicated as these situations can be, he should at least be demonstrating that he values you and your child equally.

CorkSinead wrote: »

He has an accountant

CorkSinead wrote: »

I don't think a judge would agree to pay her more, as she got most assets etc already.

Also, between these points, his teeth, his two houses and his unnecessary expenses it sounds like your partner may be living in the past financially as well as emotionally. Whatever happens in the future, there may be nothing left for you and your child anyway! You need to start considering your own financial security apart from what he may or may not be able to contribute.

CorkSinead wrote: »

6 years I've waited for him to divorce. I also want to sort out pensions with him and how I can feel more part of this home. None of that can start without a divorce. I want to build up more time with him, and I want to help take off the stress of work by considering other options for money. Even moving to a smaller house. Whatever it takes. I'd like to consider all of these things.

None of that sounds remotely unreasonable and it pains me to say that if it hasn't happened by now it may never happen. Even if you gave him an ultimatum, you may still end up resenting him because it came to that ... even moreso that you do already. I think you seriously need to consider your own options I'm afraid.

SouthernBelle

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

What about your security?

^^ This ^^
God forbid if.he died, his wife would get a widows's pension.

daisybelle2008

OP from your posts you don't appear to even like your partner never mind love him. There doesn't appear to be much respect there at either side. You said you feel angry, bitter and frustrated and he said he feels washed up and unable to commit. This thread is descending into a bitching blog about him (all mouth and no trousers?) and at the same time looking for advise on how to get him to commit (withhold sex!)?
He is who he is, you are not happy and need him to change into a different person. I honestly don't understand why ye are together, your relationship sounds horrible. I don't blame him for not wanting to commit to it, I think he is actually doing you a massive favour. It would make a bad situation worse. He has a financial responsibility to your child and he must honour that.
If you are not happy with the situation move on (you kicked him out before) but don't stay until you despise him and then blame him for you not taking action to leave a bad situation. Make choices for yourself. It is really telling that you said he was overburdened and you didn't want to be with him at the beginning but he persuaded you! Don't be persuaded by someone else's words/promises if you feel something is not right. CaraMay is right if you are going to be that passive and rely on someone else to completely lead the relationship you will pay the price.
There is not one thing I your posts that would make me think you two are good relationship material. The cracks appeared when you were pregnant (soon after ye got together) and have got bigger and bigger. I honestly think breaking apart is what you should be considering, learn to stand on your own feet. The bitterness, frustration, anger you say you are feeling and the kicking him out and taking him back can't be good for your kids, they must be sensing that.

LegacyUser

tcif wrote: »

Don't be so sure about that:

"The Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010 came into effect on 1st January 2011. This Act introduced rights and obligations for qualified cohabitants under the Redress Scheme.

A qualified cohabitant is an adult who has been cohabiting for at least 5 years or 2 years if you have a child with your partner, and
are financially dependent on the other cohabitant.

Where one of the cohabitants is still married, neither of the cohabitants will be considered a qualified cohabitant unless the married cohabitant has lived apart from his/her spouse for at least 4 of the previous 5 years."

He meets that lived apart criteria. Plus you two are together more than 6 years and have a child, moreover one with special needs. He can't shrug that off and you need to make sure he shoulders his responsibilities fairly.

What about inheritance rights? If her partner sholuld pass away, the wife would get everything?

CorkSinead

I feel wretched today tbh. I feel like I've invested everything and now have to face the future with a special needs child and another child without security on my own.

I do take on all your points, and I'm just grateful to anyone who has taken the time to notice my posts and reply.

The counselor asked why I kept taking him back, and I just thought, I must be totally down to just accept this. I don't want to be the person who keeps taking their boyfriend back.

One of my difficulties is that I have nowhere to go and no way of building up savings. At least for the next 2 years. My special needs child, it's a long story, we've A home tutor but no one can get him to work with them except me. Since I've taken it all onboard my child has improved dramatically. I've a background in this area - but I have to do work with him several hours every day.

But I don't want to be in a relationship that someone else doesn't value. I think I have two options, to move back in with relations temporarily (who live a long way away), or see if he can move out temporarily for the next one or two years until either of us are able to get more money to pay for rent/house.

So for the next two years I wanted to be able to concentrate on my son.

CorkSinead

tea and cofee wrote: »

What about inheritance rights? If her partner sholuld pass away, the wife would get everything?

I imagine so. Even, as it stands, he's left everything to his children, as their mother and one is under 18, she'd be able I presume to hold it on their behalf until they were of age. Either way, I'm totally stuffed if God forbid anything happens to him.

CorkSinead

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP from your posts you don't appear to even like your partner never mind love him. There doesn't appear to be much respect there at either side.

That is also a very fair point. I suppose I am totally furious at the moment. I did joke a bit here, but inside I'm just falling apart really.

My good will has been worn down. And yet we are very good to each other day to day, we enjoy each other's company a lot and do a lot of little things that care for each other. It's the underlying commitment, or lack of, which seems to have poisoned us.

njs030

CorkSinead wrote: »

That is also a very fair point. I suppose I am totally furious at the moment. I did joke a bit here, but inside I'm just falling apart really.

My good will has been worn down. And yet we are very good to each other day to day, we enjoy each other's company a lot and do a lot of little things that care for each other. It's the underlying commitment, or lack of, which seems to have poisoned us.

But he has made a commitment? He lives with you, has a child with you and supports you as a stay at home mother.
Do you think a divorce is going to change that somehow? He's still going to pay a large amount of money to his previous family because that's who he is.
Maybe if you decided to work on your relationship and stabilise it he would be more likely to want to divorce her and marry you......one thing I do know is forcing someone to act a certain way never gets us very far.

Surely if you child has special needs and a tutor you get DCA and a carers payment? That's nearly 1300 a month before you ever add lone parents, rent allowance etc so you would manage alone if you had to.

Big Bag of Chips

CorkSinead wrote: »

he's left everything to his children,.

Does that include your child together? The house you live in is in his name? So if something were to happen him, unlikely but not unheard of, do his children (all of them) get a share of your house? Could his wife force you out, or force you to buy her children out so they can get their inheritance?

I think you need to visit a solicitor together to get all the CORRECT information. Your situation is complex, but proper legal advice will lay it all out for you. Marriage is very romantic, but it is also a very practical legal contract. There's a chance he's just so overwhelmed by all the aspects of his separation, plus his new relationship and family that he just doesn't know where to start.

Ask him to go to a solicitor with you as a first step, not necessarily to divorce but to find out the legalities of where EVERYONE stands. If he doesn't, I suggest you go by yourself.

daisybelle2008

CorkSinead wrote: »

That is also a very fair point. I suppose I am totally furious at the moment. I did joke a bit here, but inside I'm just falling apart really.

My good will has been worn down. And yet we are very good to each other day to day, we enjoy each other's company a lot and do a lot of little things that care for each other. It's the underlying commitment, or lack of, which seems to have poisoned us.

OP it is clear you are broken from this. Badgering him for commitment when you are furious with him for not committing is counter productive. OP when you stop caring if he is giving commitment is when he will give it. Funny how when you threw him out he came back with a change of heart. But you have to mean it not just be 'testing' him. I'll be honest if I was him I would not want to commit, it would scare me that you place a lower value on the quality of our relationship than a legal commitment. It surprises me that the majority of this thread is focused on pensions, maintenance, tax credits inheritance, exes, finance than whether the relationship (emotionally) is right. Those things getting messy are a symptom of a bad relationship not a cause. Your relationship was on rocky ground before those became an issue. In fact you said you liked how generous and supportive he was of his ex/family...at first.. Funny how it changed.

CorkSinead

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Does that include your child together? The house you live in is in his name? So if something were to happen him, unlikely but not unheard of, do his children (all of them) get a share of your house? Could his wife force you out, or force you to buy her children out so they can get their inheritance?

I think you need to visit a solicitor together to get all the CORRECT information. Your situation is complex, but proper legal advice will lay it all out for you. Marriage is very romantic, but it is also a very practical legal contract. There's a chance he's just so overwhelmed by all the aspects of his separation, plus his new relationship and family that he just doesn't know where to start.

Ask him to go to a solicitor with you as a first step, not necessarily to divorce but to find out the legalities of where EVERYONE stands. If he doesn't, I suggest you go by yourself.

Thanks, I did actually do that - organized a time with a solititor to talk, for both of us, with an open mind, about the legalities and what a divorce would mean for everyone, what position we are all in, for both of us to ask questions with the ultimate aim of exposing any issues for either of us.

That was two weeks ago, and he just waited until the day and then said he thought it wasn't worth him going along. To be honest, if he wasn't going there wasn't much point for me, I thought at the time. The only reason would have been to discuss my cohabitation position in the house, which I wasn't really thinking of at the time. More like how do we as a couple get legally on a better footing.

CorkSinead

notjustsweet wrote: »

Surely if you child has special needs and a tutor you get DCA and a carers payment? That's nearly 1300 a month before you ever add lone parents, rent allowance etc so you would manage alone if you had to.

I get DCA but not a careers payment, that is means tested I think. I've been told I wouldn't get rent allowance, not to expose myself too much but I'm not from Ireland and don't pass the residence test.

CorkSinead

CaraMay wrote: »

Why does he have to provide her security? A young healthy woman should be able to provide her own security?

Well I always have done, worked full time as a single parent for many years, made my own way. My Ex got a lot more out of our break up than I did! I was working full time when I moved in to DPs house. At some point I want to work again, but I have a young child now and had to give up work to look after him.

CorkSinead

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP it is clear you are broken from this. Badgering him for commitment when you are furious with him for not committing is counter productive. OP when you stop caring if he is giving commitment is when he will give it. Funny how when you threw him out he came back with a change of heart. But you have to mean it not just be 'testing' him. I'll be honest if I was him I would not want to commit, it would scare me that you place a lower value on the quality of our relationship than a legal commitment. It surprises me that the majority of this thread is focused on pensions, maintenance, tax credits inheritance, exes, finance than whether the relationship (emotionally) is right. Those things getting messy are a symptom of a bad relationship not a cause. Your relationship was on rocky ground before those became an issue. In fact you said you liked how generous and supportive he was of his ex/family...at first.. Funny how it changed.

It is all part of what is rocky. I didn't really mind which came first, going to counseling or divorce. But I gave up a huge amount of my own security by moving into his house. I gave up being in an area with my own support and family, I gave up by having our child my job, I gave up being able to pay a mortgage of my own.

CorkSinead

Just to add.

I do want both. I want to make positive attempts to make our relationship better, and I want commitment. They can't all come at once, but they have to be going in that direction. I've already totally committed. It's not fair if he just drags his heels.

daisybelle2008

CorkSinead wrote: »

It is all part of what is rocky. I didn't really mind which came first, going to counseling or divorce. But I gave up a huge amount of my own security by moving into his house. I gave up being in an area with my own support and family, I gave up by having our child my job, I gave up being able to pay a mortgage of my own.

Yes but that was your choice. If you give up all your personal choice and freedom to another person you have to accept it will get messy if they change their mind. People change their mind. If you cant take care of yourself don't give responsibility of your emotions to someone else.

njs030

CorkSinead wrote: »

I get DCA but not a careers payment, that is means tested I think. I've been told I wouldn't get rent allowance, not to expose myself too much but I'm not from Ireland and don't pass the residence test.

If you've given up work to care for someone carers benefit is not means tested, it's based on prsi payments.
The residence test is based on if you are intending to stay in this country...it's pulling the thread off topic to go into it but there is a state benefits forum where you will get loads of help if you post in it.

CorkSinead

notjustsweet wrote: »

If you've given up work to care for someone carers benefit is not means tested, it's based on prsi payments.
The residence test is based on if you are intending to stay in this country...it's pulling the thread off topic to go into it but there is a state benefits forum where you will get loads of help if you post in it.

Ok thanks, worth investigating.

CorkSinead

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Yes but that was your choice. If you give up all your personal choice and freedom to another person you have to accept it will get messy if they change their mind. People change their mind. If you cant take care of yourself don't give responsibility of your emotions to someone else.

I'm not sure about responsibility of emotions? A bit confused there. I am angry that I am being left high and dry with a special needs child, yes.

I haven't even been given a reason by my partner as to what any of his unhappiness is about from his side. I'm not going to stop being angry with him to make it easier for him. He can change his mind. I can be angry! I was let down. I didn't go back on any of my promises. And if I had. He'd have every right to be angry too.

But yes, I am going to look into how to manage to leave, and not play any games. I haven't the energy to do that!

CaraMay

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

What about your security?

CorkSinead wrote: »

Well I always have done, worked full time as a single parent for many years, made my own way. My Ex got a lot more out of our break up than I did! I was working full time when I moved in to DPs house. At some point I want to work again, but I have a young child now and had to give up work to look after him.

Sorry op I saw that after I posted. It wasnt a dig at you but other posters seemed to be insinuating it was his job to look after you.

CaraMay

You are right op - you have been let down by him. He's acting like a man child and it's time, for your own mental health, to get this resolved. Tbh he needs to p or get off the pot. You have enough stress in your life already without dealing with this bs.

I'm in the same boat as you op with a young special needs child, home tuition etc but my oh is almost divorced. I wonder if his issue is the child's needs and he doesn't want to commit to that? If that's the case, it doesn't exactly crown him with glory but there's something and annoyingly he's not communicating with you. It's not acceptable. Tbh he's being a total prick.

CorkSinead

CaraMay wrote: »

You are right op - you have been let down by him. He's acting like a man child and it's time, for your own mental health, to get this resolved. Tbh he needs to p or get off the pot. You have enough stress in your life already without dealing with this bs.

I'm in the same boat as you op with a young special needs child, home tuition etc but my oh is almost divorced. I wonder if his issue is the child's needs and he doesn't want to commit to that? If that's the case, it doesn't exactly crown him with glory but there's something and annoyingly he's not communicating with you. It's not acceptable. Tbh he's being a total prick.

I do wonder whether it is about our child being special needs. That's the thing, he won't tell me why he doesn't think our relationship isn't worth committing to. Not one reason. We don't argue a lot, we get on day to day, we get on pretty well tbh, lots of mutual affection and laughter. The one big problem I have with him is that he drags his feet and is complacent about us. Because I get cross that he is complacent, he says 'oh we are obviously not happy'. It's like a vicious cycle!

CaraMay

No matter what the reason, he's kicking the can down the road. It's a hard position to be in but I wouldn't have much respect for a man who can't be honest with you - the mother of his child

He's also complacent probably because he thinks you won't leave. He thinks you are caught now so he can call the shots.

Why go through the expense and hassle of a divorce if 'she' won't leave me anyway?!?

CorkSinead

CaraMay wrote: »

No matter what the reason, he's kicking the can down the road. It's a hard position to be in but I wouldn't have much respect for a man who can't be honest with you - the mother of his child

He's also complacent probably because he thinks you won't leave. He thinks you are caught now so he can call the shots.

Why go through the expense and hassle of a divorce if 'she' won't leave me anyway?!?

We went back to counseling, and he again said well why divorce etc and then just said well we weren't happy were we. But again when asked why, said it was me that was unhappy, then said I was deluded and didn't want to face things. It was useful in that that counselor tried to hold up a mirror to both of us, and he just couldn't answer anything directly or say what were the problems for him.

I've ended the relationship but have agreed to go to more counseling. I told him that I was at the absolute end.

CaraMay

His behaviour causes stress you don't need... The only thing is that if you take him back again he will just think you are a walk over.

CorkSinead

CaraMay wrote: »

His behaviour causes stress you don't need... The only thing is that if you take him back again he will just think you are a walk over.

Cara thanks for your message. You probably know that it is quite hard on a relationship, having a special needs child yourself. I'm glad that you are able (I hope!) to stay strong in your relationship. It's when you need a partner most I think.

The counselor said to both of us, don't make any decisions yet, just take a big breath and time apart and then talk at the next session.

I wish he'd gone with me to counseling sooner. Just to check some of his thoughts, as just saying them to someone outside was making him realize some things that he hadn't seen before. I am sad that it has come to this, it is a shame.

CaraMay

Sinead it's horrendously stressful on parents. We had our rough times after diagnosis but I hope it's behind us.

Why don't you pop over to the asd forum for support there too. Maybe the thoughts of the divorce process / solicitors / court etc on top of everything else that ye are dealing with us too much for him. I'm sure you could understand that but he needs to say it.

CorkSinead

Thanks I will do that.

It has been hard with a special needs child, but it's also made me feel even more vulnerable and exposed that I have no security, emotionally, financially or otherwise!