6 years living together, one child and he still won't divorce his wife!

Pawwed Rig

notjustsweet wrote: »

Is it legal when he's living with, and has a child with someone else? Doesn't a civil partnership start after 2 years when there's a child involved?
Im genuinely confused how he could claim tax credits with one woman while living with another

Yes it can be once they jointly elect to do it. The salient point is that this can be also done by a divorced person so the boyfriend is either not aware or telling porkies.

I suspect you are mixing up a civil partnership with cohabitation rights.

daisybelle2008

CorkSinead wrote: »

Originally, divorce was part of then the next step being marriage. But I've told him clearly, and he me, that we need a lot of counseling and thinking through marriage. I've told him I'm not ready to marry him yet.

.

If ye both agree ye need a lot of counselling, what state is the relationship? Or do ye think ye only need a lot of counselling if ye are going to get married? It seems like a strange condition for a couple that have been together so long (surely counselling is to help improve the existing relationship not prepare for a future post marriage relationship?). I mean there seems a lot of reservations about marriage on both sides, maybe staying married is his way of avoiding another break up. You both seem very unsure of each other, even in the present relationship.

I think the whole tax credit thing is a bum steer and nothing to do with the real issue. Communication seems poor and trust very low. It's a tough situation OP.

A_Sober_Paddy

How much would a divorse cost OP other half?

CorkSinead

The Raptor wrote: »

My parents have been separated since the late 90s. 16-17 years later, they still aren't divorced and they never will. I don't know who's refusing who but it'll never happen. They both had relationships during that time.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but some people never get divorced.

I know, my aunt did has this, and tbh it is a way of her and her husband remaining each other's most significant person in their lives. They rally around the kids, just don't live together. Any relationships they have had took second place.

I made a mistake I think, I had a child with DP and genuinely thought we were starting afresh (albeit still having responsibilities to children which I fully accepted)

CorkSinead

Lavinia wrote: »

It is never because of "his wife".
It is between the two of you, and more so, it is because of him and his stand.

Can his decisions be influenced by children from that marriage also?

Btw I am really sorry for situation you found yourself in. It must be very difficult...
I know it is so too late to say this but ya girls if he wants to divorce first let him do before you commit yourself to more...
In your original post you said you even had a child with him, has your decision to have a child been motivated also so to make your connection stronger? I mean have you not been sure in him before that so though it would make a difference? I am sorry really but it crossed my mind, please pardon me if that is not the case...

I just think that part of the reason for not committing to me is that he got his fingers well and truly burnt the first time. And still is really, I think she is quite happy to still be in his life.

Our relationship started really well, very solid, planned baby, it did happen quicker than we thought but then cracks started to appear. A lot was stress from outside of us.

njs030

CorkSinead wrote: »

I just think that part of the reason for not committing to me is that he got his fingers well and truly burnt the first time. And still is really, I think she is quite happy to still be in his life.

Our relationship started really well, very solid, planned baby, it did happen quicker than we thought but then cracks started to appear. A lot was stress from outside of us.

Try to avoid going down the road of blaming her like this-"I think she is quite happy to still be in his life." He is the person you're in a relationship with and who isn't divorcing her.
Maybe she isn't bothered about getting divorced but that should stop him!


But is it possible he can't afford it?

CorkSinead

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

If ye both agree ye need a lot of counselling, what state is the relationship?

I asked for counseling three years ago, when everything came into a head. We started off very well, his past behavior with his family, his wife, his kids, were so responsible and generous. I really didn't think that side of things was going to be an issue. How wrong I was!

We really wanted to make a go of it and have a family. I was concerned he was overburdened already, and didn't want to be with him. He pursued me for many months and persuaded me to be serious. I moved me and my son in and we had a child.

His wife and his older kids all had big blow ups and crises which they depended on him a lot for, and that caused a lot of stress. He started to say to me that he felt all washed up and unable to commit again. Unfortunately that was when I was pregnant, so a bit late! I asked for counseling then. It's just taken me 3 years to get him there!

CorkSinead

notjustsweet wrote: »

Try to avoid going down the road of blaming her like this-"I think she is quite happy to still be in his life." He is the person you're in a relationship with and who isn't divorcing her.
Maybe she isn't bothered about getting divorced but that should stop him!


But is it possible he can't afford it?

Fair point about the wife. That is one reason why it makes me so uncomfortable that he is not divorced. There is not enough distance and too much room for interference. I want a clear run.

He hasn't got much money, but he spent thousands on his teeth two years ago, so priorities!

daisybelle2008

CorkSinead wrote: »

I just think that part of the reason for not committing to me is that he got his fingers well and truly burnt the first time. And still is really, I think she is quite happy to still be in his life.

Our relationship started really well, very solid, planned baby, it did happen quicker than we thought but then cracks started to appear. A lot was stress from outside of us.

If there are cracks in your relationship, him getting divorced is not going to fix them. If you need lots of counselling before getting married, maybe marriage isn't a good idea. I know ye started out strong but over time instead of getting stronger and dealing with the stresses of life has shown maybe ye are not compatible? Marriage would be a very poor band aid over the cracks. In fact I think it would blow open how fragile yer relationship truly is. It all sounds very stressful and I know with a special needs child it can't be easy. But financial security and emotional security are two different things....I think you are feeling very dependent on him for both and that is causing a lot of pressure on you both.

LegacyUser

CorkSinead wrote: »

I had assumed that I had no rights, but this may give me some. However, he has no assets or equity in the house at present, it has just broken even after being in negative equity. He had remortgaged to buy his wife a house, in her name. It's a bit galling to feel that I contributed (financially) when I was working and now by looking after a child, and yet this is in no way my home. My partner keeps making it clear he is the one on the mortgage. For a man who likes to see himself as fair it has made me angry that he isn't treating me equally.

I feel like I am paying the price for being taken to the cleaners by his wife.

OP this is often a common scenario in second relationships. A lot of the income of one partner is going towards maintenance for their ex and children. A new relationship can often rely heavily on the other partner's earnings which can lead to a lot resentment and tension where they feel they are effectively subsidising the ex and drawing the shorter straw and having to make sacrifices. It can be an unfortunate reality of second relationships. As you are not able to work outside the home at the moment because of your child's disability your partner is probably under a lot of strain as you admit yourself.
Would you qualify for domicilary care allowance for your child?

tara73

CorkSinead wrote: »

She did apparently ask for a divorce 2 years ago, but wasn't that fussed about whether it happened or not. He's still contributing financially, and bought her a house which is in her name. Which is one of the reasons he is stressed, he mortgaged up to the hilt to do that, and now has very little spare income.

this is what is standing out to me in all the other issues. why did he bought her a house and why the hell in her name??? did he do that when he was already with you? why would anybody buy a house in somebody elses name? are you sure it's not a joint mortgage in both names?

if not, somethings very fishy here in my opinion...

CorkSinead

tara73 wrote: »

this is what is standing out to me in all the other issues. why did he bought her a house and why the hell in her name??? did he do that when he was already with you? why would anybody buy a house in somebody elses name? are you sure it's not a joint mortgage in both names?

if not, somethings very fishy here in my opinion...

He bought her a house in her name, as part of their separation agreement. He wanted her to have complete security.

CaraMay

CorkSinead wrote: »

He bought her a house in her name, as part of their separation agreement. He wanted her to have complete security.

Op I'm sorry to ask but do you think he's still in love with her

CorkSinead

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

If there are cracks in your relationship, him getting divorced is not going to fix them. If you need lots of counselling before getting married, maybe marriage isn't a good idea. I know ye started out strong but over time instead of getting stronger and dealing with the stresses of life has shown maybe ye are not compatible? Marriage would be a very poor band aid over the cracks. In fact I think it would blow open how fragile yer relationship truly is. It all sounds very stressful and I know with a special needs child it can't be easy. But financial security and emotional security are two different things....I think you are feeling very dependent on him for both and that is causing a lot of pressure on you both.

I just don't like giving up if I can see that there are reasons and possible solutions that can be worked on. Divorce isn't a fix, but it would really help, just putting that phase of his life behind him and clearing the way for us. He is a huge procrastinator and ignores any issues. Often later, he has either agreed or seen enough of my point of view to resolve many things. But it takes so long that I am getting more and more, we'll probably frustrated and a bit bitter at this stage!

daisybelle2008

CorkSinead wrote: »

I was concerned he was overburdened already, and didn't want to be with him. He pursued me for many months and persuaded me to be serious.

He started to say to me that he felt all washed up and unable to commit again.

You were persuaded to be in a relationship with someone against your better judgement? Clearly your instincts were right. OP, with all the counselling, issues, fear of commitment etc. it just seems ye have been trying to desperately shoehorn a relationship together. It seems such hard work, trying to make it work!

Maybe let go of the marriage/divorce thing and give each other a little space and acceptance. Forcing commitment onto a broken relationship is a disaster. Leave the commitment requirements aside for the moment. It's putting more stress and pressure on both of you. Take whatever little steps you can towards being more emotionally and financially independent, if you can't do both at least do the former.

daisybelle2008

CorkSinead wrote: »

I just don't like giving up if I can see that there are reasons and possible solutions that can be worked on. Divorce isn't a fix, but it would really help, just putting that phase of his life behind him and clearing the way for us. He is a huge procrastinator and ignores any issues. Often later, he has either agreed or seen enough of my point of view to resolve many things. But it takes so long that I am getting more and more, we'll probably frustrated and a bit bitter at this stage!

A future happy relationship depends on him taken certain actions that he needs to be pressured into doing and seems to be getting less & inclined to do? How miserable and bitter are you going to let yourself get trying to persuade him?
Will a happy switch turn on if in a year or two he gives in? Or will you resent the time it took him anyway? Will the bitternes and frustration just disappear overnight or will it have poisoned the relationship beyond repair. I think ye'll both resent each other even more. Even with divorce papers his wife and kids aren't going any where. Are two pieces of paper 'divorce papers' and a 'marriage certificate' going to wipe the slate clean and yield a great relationship that isn't there between the two people today?

CorkSinead

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You were persuaded to be in a relationship with someone against your better judgement? Clearly your instincts were right. OP, with all the counselling, issues, fear of commitment etc. it just seems ye have been trying to desperately shoehorn a relationship together. It seems such hard work, trying to make it work!

Maybe let go of the marriage/divorce thing and give each other a little space and acceptance. Forcing commitment onto a broken relationship is a disaster. Leave the commitment requirements aside for the moment. It's putting more stress and pressure on both of you. Take whatever little steps you can towards being more emotionally and financially independent, if you can't do both at least do the former.

Thanks. I guess I just feel I have waited long enough. Last year I finally kicked him out for a few months so we could both have some space apart. He ended up missing me a lot and wanting to remake a commitment. As soon as he moves back in he gets complacent.

CorkSinead

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

A future happy relationship depends on him taken certain actions that he needs to be pressured into doing and seems to be getting less & inclined to do? How miserable and bitter are you going to let yourself get trying to persuade him?
Will a happy switch turn on if in a year or two he gives in? Or will you resent the time it took him anyway? Will the bitternes and frustration just disappear overnight or will it have poisoned the relationship beyond repair. I think ye'll both resent each other even more. Even with divorce papers his wife and kids aren't going any where. Are two pieces of paper 'divorce papers' and a 'marriage certificate' going to wipe the slate clean and yield a great relationship that isn't there between the two people today?

I know, I can't wait anymore.

It's hard because there is a lot of good, lots of things have got better. There is enough to make a good relationship - BUT for his attitude towards it, which is his decision to make.

I know that divorce won't change everything, but I have a child from a previous relationship, I have an Ex. I get there is a past. The kids should be in the present. Not the Exes, by marriage.

njs030

CorkSinead wrote: »

Thanks. I guess I just feel I have waited long enough. Last year I finally kicked him out for a few months so we could both have some space apart. He ended up missing me a lot and wanting to remake a commitment. As soon as he moves back in he gets complacent.

Op what difference will it actually make if he gets a divorce? I don't mean the obvious ones like being free, next of kin, possibility of remarriage etc.

What difference will it make to your relationship? Sometimes we can focus on the wrong thing (and I've done it myself) and forget the more important parts.
He will still be the same person, a divorce cert won't change it.
I've asked a couple of times and you haven't answered but if he's struggling for money it could be he doesn't want to rock the boat and end up paying a fortune for a divorce, especially if the ex has the potential to be nasty.

jimd2

Tell him you wont have sex with him again until he finalises the divorce.

CorkSinead

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I'm sorry to ask but do you think he's still in love with her

I don't think he is still in love with her, but I do think he finds it incredibly hard to move and change. In fact I wonder how on earth he left in the first place. He had the role of being provider for everyone, doing everything, and got a lot of pride from that. His wife relied on that heavily, and that dynamic didn't stop when they separated.

So love, no, but feeling needed and wanted, perhaps yes.

CorkSinead

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op what difference will it actually make if he gets a divorce? I don't mean the obvious ones like being free, next of kin, possibility of remarriage etc.

What difference will it make to your relationship? Sometimes we can focus on the wrong thing (and I've done it myself) and forget the more important parts.
He will still be the same person, a divorce cert won't change it.
I've asked a couple of times and you haven't answered but if he's struggling for money it could be he doesn't want to rock the boat and end up paying a fortune for a divorce, especially if the ex has the potential to be nasty.

Sorry if I didn't answer. Yes he does worry a lot about money and he is, we are struggling. But he pays for a lot of stuff that we don't really need. I don't think a judge would agree to pay her more, as she got most assets etc already. He may have to sort pensions out, but if he doesn't he's just putting off paying at some point.

I guess I do feel an increasing resentment that he is all talk and no trousers kind of thing. 6 years I've waited for him to divorce. I also want to sort out pensions with him and how I can feel more part of this home. None of that can start without a divorce. I want to build up more time with him, and I want to help take off the stress of work by considering other options for money. Even moving to a smaller house. Whatever it takes. I'd like to consider all of these things.

CorkSinead

jimd2 wrote: »

Tell him you wont have sex with him again until he finalises the divorce.

Ha! That might actually work!

LegacyUser

I feel awful for suggesting this, but do you think that he has decided that he 'can't cope' with your child who has special needs, and that this is making him drag his heels?

It just sounded like he went from someone who wanted to commit, to someone allergic to commiting. Can you think of any other reason - apart from laziness? Is his ex trying to manipulate him about maintenance/child support, or access? Were his family very cut up about the separation, and then relationship with you?

Tbh I'd be thinking that the reason behind it doesn't matter. What does matter is that he doesn't value you, your relationship, or your child together enough to have a grown up discussion about this. Maybe he's still very burnt from his marriage - but that doesn't mean that it's ok for him to stick his head in the sand, and that you have to be OK being upset and disappointed.

It's a hard one. IMO though, he needs to cop on and seriously pull up his socks, or realise that he may well lose you.

CaraMay

Op what I see in all of this is that you are taking a passive position. He persuaded you to be in a relationship with him, then you moved in and had a kid really quickly, you are accepting him breaking promises to you about the divorce, you accept all the stuff he does for his wife even though it doesn't make you happy.

I think you need to start protecting yourself by getting work and building up a nest egg for yourself. He's not going to change but you are only going to resent him more and more. You don't want to end up on the street with nothing so get working and planning and saving for your own future and your own pension. If ye break up there isn't going to be enough for 3 adults to pull out of and he will definitely look after the wife before you by the sounds of it

daisybelle2008

jimd2 wrote: »

Tell him you wont have sex with him again until he finalises the divorce.

CorkSinead wrote: »

Ha! That might actually work!

That's sounds like a terrible idea, using sex as a form of emotional blackmail.

OP your relationship sounds dysfunctional enough as it is.

Pawwed Rig

CorkSinead wrote: »

He bought her a house in her name, as part of their separation agreement. He wanted her to have complete security.

What about your security?

fits

OP honestly I would be looking at creating some financial independence for yourself so you can leave if necessary. This situation is completely unfair on you. If you have a special needs child he can take over some of the responsibility while you earn some money for yourself.

CorkSinead

I've extracted some of what you said and put it in (what I hope is) more or less date order. Do you think this sounds like a good relationship?

CorkSinead wrote: »

I was concerned he was overburdened already, and didn't want to be with him. He pursued me for many months and persuaded me to be serious. I moved me and my son in and we had a child.

We could have made a great couple, have much in common, but he's just dragged his heels from the time I've moved in. We planned our baby, who has severe special needs, so I feel left high and dry. It's true if he asked me to marry him tomorrow there would still be that anger in me about having to be left dangling for so long

Our relationship started really well, very solid, planned baby, it did happen quicker than we thought but then cracks started to appear. A lot was stress from outside of us.

He started to say to me that he felt all washed up and unable to commit again. Unfortunately that was when I was pregnant, so a bit late! I asked for counseling then. It's just taken me 3 years to get him there!

He's just much more wobbly than I thought

I've told him clearly, and he me, that we need a lot of counseling and thinking through marriage. I've told him I'm not ready to marry him yet.

I made a mistake I think, I had a child with DP and genuinely thought we were starting afresh (albeit still having responsibilities to children which I fully accepted)

I will not stay with him as it stands.

And a few choice items about your partner:

CorkSinead wrote: »

I just think that part of the reason for not committing to me is that he got his fingers well and truly burnt the first time

Last year I finally kicked him out for a few months so we could both have some space apart. He ended up missing me a lot and wanting to remake a commitment. As soon as he moves back in he gets complacent

He is a huge procrastinator and ignores any issues. Often later, he has either agreed or seen enough of my point of view to resolve many things. But it takes so long

he is all talk and no trousers kind of thing.

He hasn't got much money, but he spent thousands on his teeth two years ago

[he] bought her a house which is in her name. Which is one of the reasons he is stressed, he mortgaged up to the hilt to do that, and now has very little spare income.

he pays for a lot of stuff that we don't really need

He had the role of being provider for everyone, doing everything, and got a lot of pride from that. His wife relied on that heavily, and that dynamic didn't stop when they separated.

My partner keeps making it clear he is the one on the mortgage. For a man who likes to see himself as fair it has made me angry that he isn't treating me equally.

There is enough to make a good relationship - BUT for his attitude towards it

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. He's treating you very unfairly, especially compared to how he's treated his first family ... why on earth should you take second place to them. As difficult and complicated as these situations can be, he should at least be demonstrating that he values you and your child equally.

CorkSinead wrote: »

He has an accountant

CorkSinead wrote: »

I don't think a judge would agree to pay her more, as she got most assets etc already.

Also, between these points, his teeth, his two houses and his unnecessary expenses it sounds like your partner may be living in the past financially as well as emotionally. Whatever happens in the future, there may be nothing left for you and your child anyway! You need to start considering your own financial security apart from what he may or may not be able to contribute.

CorkSinead wrote: »

6 years I've waited for him to divorce. I also want to sort out pensions with him and how I can feel more part of this home. None of that can start without a divorce. I want to build up more time with him, and I want to help take off the stress of work by considering other options for money. Even moving to a smaller house. Whatever it takes. I'd like to consider all of these things.

None of that sounds remotely unreasonable and it pains me to say that if it hasn't happened by now it may never happen. Even if you gave him an ultimatum, you may still end up resenting him because it came to that ... even moreso that you do already. I think you seriously need to consider your own options I'm afraid.

SouthernBelle

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

What about your security?

^^ This ^^
God forbid if.he died, his wife would get a widows's pension.