How do some men just not care?

TheBiz

I've been listening to Free Fallin by Tom Petty (John Mayers version) and I don't understand how some men can not feel that connected with a girl.

I know a lad who broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years and he's having the time of his life while she's at home crying.
I can't wrap my head around how some men can just not care, how they can go without wanting to spend time with the opposite sex.

I don't have much luck with women and I've also pissed off my fair share but never intentionally, usually out of my stupidity.
I never seem to go far enough to be in a relationship.. Of if I am at that stage I end up not doing it some way or another. I can count 4 times this has happened off the top of my head probably explains why I've been referred to as 'emotionally unavaliable' but I really have no clue how/why!

I don't understand how some men/lads can not care that much about a girl. How they can avoid being tied down at all costs. Yet I've been seen as that guy and I probably still I am seen as that guy by some.

But how?

Pawwed Rig

Some men/women are happier single whereas some men/women are happier in a relationship. Most men/women fall somewhere in between. Simple as that imho

Maybe your buddy is happy not to be in a relationship with that girl anymore? Clearly it upsets her.
Do you think he should sit at home crying just because she is?

Different people are attracted to different people. Just because he had a girlfriend, and you didn't shouldn't mean he is wrong, he is happy to be single!

TheBiz

bubblypop wrote: »

Maybe your buddy is happy not to be in a relationship with that girl anymore? Clearly it upsets her.
Do you think he should sit at home crying just because she is?

Different people are attracted to different people. Just because he had a girlfriend, and you didn't shouldn't mean he is wrong, he is happy to be single!

Well if they went out for 2 years surely he liked her! But no there's no reason for him to cry because she is but I find it strange how he can simply drop it and move on. Basically cutting any emotional ties.

Pawwed Rig

TheBiz wrote: »

Well if they went out for 2 years surely he liked her! But no there's no reason for him to cry because she is but I find it strange how he can simply drop it and move on. Basically cutting any emotional ties.

I was with my first gf for a miserable 18 months. The relief when we broke up was immense. I was a much happier person outside of what was a toxic relationship.

Wibbs

TheBiz wrote: »

Well if they went out for 2 years surely he liked her! But no there's no reason for him to cry because she is but I find it strange how he can simply drop it and move on. Basically cutting any emotional ties.

Two years sounds about right. That''s in the danger zone of any relationship. The phase between the honeymoon period and thinking of more longterm plans. It's about the most common timeframe for couples to split. As for his lack of caring? 1) women do this too and given most relationships are ended by the woman, it's hardly a man thing, it's a human thing. 2) the one doing the leaving has nearly always left long before the announcement comes. If you've ever been dumped, go back to the last big(usually unresolved) argument and that's when she/he was looking at the door and the clock was ticking. 3) IMH cutting all emotional ties is the healthier way to go about things and the least selfish way for the other still invested party. Staying "friends" when your ex is still carrying feelings is self indulgent and selfish IMHO and is more about assuaging the dumper's guilt. Friends is a demotion. Far better to pull the bandaid off quickly to let them heal. Hanging around is like picking at a scab.

TheBiz wrote: »

I don't have much luck with women

That's what's informing your reaction to this chap's attitude the most.

Pawwed Rig

Wibbs wrote: »

IMH cutting all emotional ties is the healthier way to go about things and the least selfish way for the other still invested party. Staying "friends" when your ex is still carrying feelings is self indulgent and selfish IMHO and is more about assuaging the dumper's guilt. Friends is a demotion. Far better to pull the bandaid off quickly to let them heal. Hanging around is like picking at a scab.

Wise words. The biggest problem with 'staying friends' is that often one person is harbouring hope of a reunion and seeing the other moving on with their lives is a crippling experience. I would always advocate removing each other from your lives completely. As you say it allows quicker healing but also there is nothing worse* than entering a new relationship and having legacy baggage from previous hanging around.


*Drama used for illustrative purposes - obviously there are plenty of things worse.

cantdecide

I was at a point last year when my sister was seriously ill and I was out of my mind with stress from work and facing my first ever college exams which I was failing to get ready for. I was keeping everything together for us but it was just a rough patch- things would be great in the summer.

Nevertheless, just three weeks before my exams, she told me she wanted to take a break. In a nutshell, she bailed the minute things got tough. We stayed 'friends' and the summer came and I got respite as my sister's treatment and surgeries worked out and college became a memory. We would meet and talk on the phone and I really felt she wanted me to beg her to take me back. But I couldn't do it- she'd hurt me too much when I was already so low.

She used to say she was so happy and I knew things couldn't have changed that quickly. It was selfish and vindictive, IMO. She could never handle stress and I believe she wanted to punish me for bringing stress into her life in the spring. I don't believe our relationship ended at the appropriate time or for a good reason and I can't figure out if I should have just put my ego aside and tried to get her back. Her ego wouldn't have allowed her to call off the breakup either as it would have been an admission of guilt. I felt she was trying to take my power which is something she did from time to time in the past- it wasn't healthy.

Eventually, she found someone new and moved on, being the serial monogamist, just months between most relationships. I think he'll become her next victim. I remain single as I have been for most of my life. When we bump into each other, I conceal my heartbreak and she puckers and pouts like she was the dumpee. You can't be friends with exes.

TL;DR; don't bother reading- it's a sad story where no one wins.

Lemming

cantdecide wrote: »

When we bump into each other, I conceal my heartbreak and she puckers and pouts like she was the dumpee. You can't be friends with exes.

TL;DR; don't bother reading- it's a sad story where no one wins.

I read it anyway. You can be friends with ex's, but it requires a degree of maturity and recognition of the 'why' from both sides. From what you described though, you're better off well shot of your ex in any capacity.

If in doubt, and you're still friendly with an ex, remember these words: "there is a reason why they are your ex." As good as things might have seemed from those rose-tinted glasses, or as much as you might pang for them, or they profess for you, unless those reasons have been addressed (in all sincerity), getting back together will be a mistake. You might otherwise get along great, but just not like that for the most innocuous of reasons. It is as simple as that.

Wibbs

cantdecide wrote: »

Nevertheless, just three weeks before my exams, she told me she wanted to take a break.

"Taking a break" is almost inevitably bullshít. It's either "it's over, but I haven't the stones to say it(usually masquerading as "concern" for you)" or "I'm keeping you dangling for emotional(more a woman thing) or sexual(more a man thing) support while I explore my options, keeping you as a fallback".

We stayed 'friends' and the summer came and I got respite as my sister's treatment and surgeries worked out and college became a memory.

Good to hear CD. Hope your sis is still in rude good health.

We would meet and talk on the phone and I really felt she wanted me to beg her to take me back. But I couldn't do it- she'd hurt me too much when I was already so low.

Fair play. Lesser men would have folded. I certainly would have on a couple of occasions. Oh yes, your friendly neighbourhood wibbles was more than a thundering gobshíte at times. Love is a drug that can have more dodgy side effects than chugging Ayahuasca while necking high powered blotter acid. The hangover's a bitch too.

She used to say she was so happy and I knew things couldn't have changed that quickly. It was selfish and vindictive, IMO. She could never handle stress and I believe she wanted to punish me for bringing stress into her life in the spring. I don't believe our relationship ended at the appropriate time or for a good reason and I can't figure out if I should have just put my ego aside and tried to get her back. Her ego wouldn't have allowed her to call off the breakup either as it would have been an admission of guilt. I felt she was trying to take my power which is something she did from time to time in the past- it wasn't healthy.

IMH your instincts were spot on.

Eventually, she found someone new and moved on, being the serial monogamist, just months between most relationships.

Common in the type and that type are to be avoided like the very plague as a general, but good rule. They can't be alone, because they have little inner life, so need near constant external stimulation, attention and social acceptance. The Boyfriend(™), worse Husband(™) soon enough becomes another cardboard cutout in their life. They usually have other men(and women) to make up the shortfall in themselves. To the point where with the worst of the type they have an ensemble of cardboard cutouts behind them that would rival the cover of Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band album. This is more found among women, but there are most certainly men like this too. They're less obvious as men generally have fewer choices to jump from branch to branch, so it's more a tendency than observable trait.

I think he'll become her next victim.

Yep. The type usually follows the same trajectory. Hopping from branch to branch in their twenties and finding the One(™)(almost always the inexperienced guy and/or the "safe" choice) in their thirties and migrating to the suburbs. Pity that guy. You really don't want to be that last chair when the music stops. Fast forward a decade and ohhhh boy…

I remain single as I have been for most of my life. When we bump into each other, I conceal my heartbreak and she puckers and pouts like she was the dumpee.

IMH CD, your first sentence is amplifying the heartbreak part in the second. I have found as a very general rule that the men most content and free of heartbreak are either those men who got lucky early on outa the gate, the guys who got lucky with the choices of sound women full stop, or the guys who have more choices in the dating/mating game, so make good choices of sound women(and there are more than enough out there to go around). The lads who hanker for exes are usually the lads who didn't fare so great in the dating hubbub and then thought they got lucky with one, who turned out to be not so sound.

TL;DR; don't bother reading- it's a sad story where no one wins.

You did. No really.

You can't be friends with exes.

You can, but it requires certain circumstances to work(Lemming nails it). Very basically if both of you are in the same "meh we've kinda explored this and that's that" boat then it's certainly doable. It rarely lasts for too long though, as life and new partners tend to take a dim view. In very general terms the only reason I would advise getting back with an ex is if a) you never lost that connection and the actual reasons you split up are resolved or b) and more likely, you need to go back to fully see the reasons why it was such a car crash in the first place.

TheBiz

What about the situations where no relationship is involved? Where try lad doesn't allow it to progress and basically gets in and gets out, simply stops.
How can people do that intentionally?

Wibbs

That sounds like a one sided short term fling to me. Different strokes and all that. Perfectly fine if and I mean IF both parties are up to speed with the intentions.

Ave Sodalis

TheBiz wrote:

What about the situations where no relationship is involved? Where try lad doesn't allow it to progress and basically gets in and gets out, simply stops. How can people do that intentionally?

Very easily actually.
I'm female and have slept with multiple men. I've only ever felt more than physical attraction to one of them, and he has been my partner since. However, before that, I really just didn't feel any emotion towards them beyond finding them good looking. If they were good in bed and good craic, I'd establish a friends-with-benefits/fbuddy type of situation, provided he was willing. But it never progressed beyond that because I simply didn't feel anything more for them.
Some people fall for others easily, some don't. Some find it near impossible due to various reasons. Myself, I think being blackmailed into a relationship I didn't want to be in as one of my first experiences with men caused my lack of emotional attachment, as well as bullying through secondary school. Why that changed for my current boyfriend, I have no idea but I'm glad it did. If we should break up, I think I would go back to being the same as I was... as you say, gets in and gets out.

To be honest OP I really don't think there is any great discussion to be had around your question. PR summed it up pretty well in his earlier post. Some men and some women treat each other badly, plenty of men and plenty of women end relationships, there will always be one partner who is hit the hardest and sits at home crying while the other is out and about.

There is no great mystery as far as I can see.

Confucius say

This certainly isn't a "man" thing OP! It works both ways. Anyway as someone above said, breakups don't come out of the blue. Myself and others close to me have had stressful relationships that turned extremely toxic and were a relief to get out of. Your friend probably isn't as happy as you think, maybe only on the surface, as even getting out of a bad relationship can be unpleasant.

Wibbs

+1. relationships can become habit forming. If someone, anyone is in your life for long enough the lack of them, even the large change in dynamic can be a psychic wrench. I remember one longtermer I had. Wasn't particularly toxic or anything, but it was unhealthy for me. When we split I had all sorts of strong and obvious feelings, but one I couldn't quite get a handle on for a few weeks and it turned out to be relief.

Confucius say

Wibbs wrote: »

+1. relationships can become habit forming. If someone, anyone is in your life for long enough the lack of them, even the large change in dynamic can be a psychic wrench. I remember one longtermer I had. Wasn't particularly toxic or anything, but it was unhealthy for me. When we split I had all sorts of strong and obvious feelings, but one I couldn't quite get a handle on for a few weeks and it turned out to be relief.

Took me a long time to get used to the lack of drama. At least I think that's what it was. Now it's just serenity, every day! I wouldn't mind forming a proper mature healthy bond with a woman one day but I've been through enough rodeos at this stage to appreciate the calm...

Wibbs

You might be like me in that I am or was more drawn to the drama type. Not the obvious one of course, the subtle version. The drip drip drip Chinese ware torture of nuttiness and neediness. And they sought me out. Not unlike the way bullies can spot the kid that is more likely to be easily bullied. They know their "prey". TBH I was blessed in having close women mates and some short term relationships who were sound, otherwise going on my longtermers I would have quite understandably come to the conclusion that women were best kept at arms/willies length. When I hear of guys who do feel that way I suspect they didn't have what I had on that score. But looking back I do take full responsibility for those choices. A repeated mistake is a choice.

TheBiz

See I'm 18 (closer to 19) but the longest relationship was 2 weeks in 1st year of secondary school and then a 1 week one not long after. Nothing since!
I've had chances and I've just simply missed them.

I actually had a conversation about this with some people earlier on the topic of those who don't even have a long term relationship but get the girl emotionally attached essentially get what they can out of them and leave.
Some girls said about their experiences etc and we couldn't find a genuine reason how they could value freedom or an ego stroking over a meaningful relationship.

I'm the worst for relationships but I still don't know how or why they go about doing that..

Sebastian Dangerfield

I spent 6 years with someone, and was miserable for 5 of them. The word toxic was used by another poster - perfect example here.

After years of going 90% there then backing off when the tears started, I finally pulled the plug one day. She was still in a bit of a state 6 months later whereas I was on a date within a month. Some might see that as cold, but Id already wasted 6 years, I wasn't gonna waste any more time.

2.5 years on I'm married, with a baby due next month, and I wouldn't change how I acted at that time one bit.

I do know lads who go out with girls with no intention of ever taking it beyond the sack, which I don't really get but each to their own. Im sure there are girls who do the same. Once people are reasonably up front about it, I don't see any damage.

Confucius say

TheBiz wrote: »

See I'm 18 (closer to 19) but the longest relationship was 2 weeks in 1st year of secondary school and then a 1 week one not long after. Nothing since!
I've had chances and I've just simply missed them.

Oh for Gods sake you're a teenager! I didn't have anything resembling a gf till I was 21. Trust me you're way better off without being in a relationship for a long time if you ask me. Just enjoy your life while you can.

Wibbs

19? Ah it's all ahead of you. I know that sounds like oulfella talk and I am indeed by your measure an oulfella, but it's true. I'd not be in any rush to get into a serious relationship, or rather I'd not be seeking one out. If one comes along naturally then cool and the gang, but otherwise I'd not devote too much of your thoughts to it.

I suddenly feel like the old dude on the left here.

ancapailldorcha

So do I and I'm 28.

Wibbs

Nah, you're the guy on the right saying "be cool old dude, I know it looks like rain, but the forecast says otherwise".

Richard Hillman

I have been single for 10 years. I cannot think of anything more soul destroying than entering into a relationship.

The thoughts of sitting down on a Saturday with Soccer Saturday on tv and flicking between the horse racing only to be told by a female that it is not socially acceptable to be drinking at this time or we're going to Ikea for the day. It sends shivers down the spine.

TheBiz

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I have been single for 10 years. I cannot think of anything more soul destroying than entering into a relationship.

The thoughts of sitting down on a Saturday with Soccer Saturday on tv and flicking between the horse racing only to be told by a female that it is not socially acceptable to be drinking at this time or we're going to Ikea for the day. It sends shivers down the spine.

See when it's put like that the first thought in my mind is 'the hills run for the hills!'

Wibbs

It depends entirely on the relationship and the people in it. I know an awful lot of men who complain and whinge about "the other half", but clearly get off in some way on the very things they're whinging about. Other men want the domestic life and all that entails. And more power to them. And yes some women can be an unbelievable pain in the arse; the never quite relaxed type, the emotional vampire types and so on. IMH the extremes of which are cases of domestic abuse and the psychological kind can be even more torturous(I've been there, worn the teeshirt. I had the patience of a saint TBH).

However, it's pretty straightforward to avoid those types of toxic people. Well maybe not so easy if you're young and inexperienced. Then it can be all too easy to fall into that sorta thing. Especially if you're the type of man who feels duty bound to "save her". Another reason why I would advise at 19 to cool your jets and get more years and experiences under your belt so that you avoid this minority of women and have mutually content and healthy relationships later on.

Richard Hillman

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I have been single for 10 years. I cannot think of anything more soul destroying than entering into a relationship.

The thoughts of sitting down on a Saturday with Soccer Saturday on tv and flicking between the horse racing only to be told by a female that it is not socially acceptable to be drinking at this time or we're going to Ikea for the day. It sends shivers down the spine.

How would ya feel if said female suggested going to the bookies/ pub as well????......
Can't think of anything worse than going to IKEA on a Saturday!!

Richard Hillman

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I have been single for 10 years. I cannot think of anything more soul destroying than entering into a relationship.

The thoughts of sitting down on a Saturday with Soccer Saturday on tv and flicking between the horse racing only to be told by a female that it is not socially acceptable to be drinking at this time or we're going to Ikea for the day. It sends shivers down the spine.

What sort of women have you been dating!
The very word "Ikea" causes me to break out in a cold sweat.

Also you should never ever be "told" anything. You are an individual with your own mind. If I was in a relationship with a man who told me how our day would be spent he would be shown the door. This thing about having to ask permission or putting up with disapproving stares because it's 4 pm and you're having a drink is complete crap.

Ashbx

My boyfriend of 11 years broke up with me! Because he was the one who decided it was over, obviously he was ok with it (well id hope it was a hard decision for him to make) but was still upsetting for him. And yes for 2/3 weeks I was miserable, crying my eyes out etc etc.

BUT 6 months on and I still don't blame him for it. He told me straight out he didn't think he loved me anymore and after 11 years together, why would I want to waste any more of his (or my!) time if he wasn't happy. As upsetting as it is for the person who was broken up with, its not fair to say that the person who did the breaking up doesn't care. That's not the case! Both people need to be happy in their relationship.

I agree some people can be a bit heartless sometimes but to say someone doesn't care just because they aren't depressed over their break up isn't really fair.

Ashbx

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I have been single for 10 years. I cannot think of anything more soul destroying than entering into a relationship.

The thoughts of sitting down on a Saturday with Soccer Saturday on tv and flicking between the horse racing only to be told by a female that it is not socially acceptable to be drinking at this time or we're going to Ikea for the day. It sends shivers down the spine.

God the sterotypes in this comment is just ridiculous! I love how many men seem to think that all us women do is nag!

Maybe you should give a relationship a shot and see how you like it. If you don't, then that's perfectly fine but if that's the opinion you have of women (that we don't let our husbands have fun and all we do is household shopping)....your still living in the 50s mate!

TheBiz

I'm realising over time that it takes a great deal of self confidence to be in a relationship in the first and it takes just as much confidence to end one.
Within the past 4 months I've missed a golden opportunity to go out with a friend/amazing girl for the sole reason I wasn't confident enough.

What I'm gathering is relationships stop simply because they are no longer working, (when) men stop these relationships they know that it isn't working and they also know they will be fine without her.
On another note I need to work on my confidence!

beks101

To completely generalise, I think men and women can take breakups differently.

Obviously it depends on the particular circumstances of the breakup, but I think where women will be a lot more open about their emotions and their pain and seemingly be completely put off men in the aftermath; some lads can seem to just be getting on with it, moving on, not really talking about it and often dating or sleeping with other women within a few weeks or months.

Maybe guys are less likely to confront the negative emotion than women due to that usual heap of social and cultural reasons.

I actually remember reading a study about this, which found that where women tend to experience more emotional pain in the aftermath, men are more likely to be more negatively affected in the long-run. Women recover; men tend to not really deal with the issues and just move on, was the general gist.

I think it explains the appearance of the rebounding and the quick relationships post-break up etc which anecdotally I'd have seen with friends' and my own exes in the past.

Richard Hillman wrote: »

I have been single for 10 years. I cannot think of anything more soul destroying than entering into a relationship.

The thoughts of sitting down on a Saturday with Soccer Saturday on tv and flicking between the horse racing only to be told by a female that it is not socially acceptable to be drinking at this time or we're going to Ikea for the day. It sends shivers down the spine.

This sounds a bit like relationship avoidance after years of being single tbh. When I was single I found how commitmentphobic I was tended to increase the longer I was single. You can get a bit negative about it. I used to say things like "ah I just love my own time", "I work so much and want to do what I want in my spare time", "don't want to be tied down", "not a relationship person" etc.

Relationships aren't about inhibiting your freedom or curtailing your growth as a person though. Simply put, if you're feeling smothered in a relationship, you're in the wrong one. I'm with my fella a few years now, we do our own thing whenever we feel like it, have different hobbies and friends etc, but I prefer to be with him than not with him, and that's what a relationship should be I think. Something fun and warm and affirming, always having someone to come home to.

TheBiz wrote: »

I'm realising over time that it takes a great deal of self confidence to be in a relationship in the first and it takes just as much confidence to end one.

Not really. You'll find some of the most insecure, dependent, needy people ever in relationships, often jumping from relationship to relationship because they can't stand on their own two feet. I think learning how to be single and happy and not spending your life looking for someone to validate you is a vital life skill.

H3llR4iser

I don't really understand what the initial issue is - he broke off the relationship because, clearly, something was wrong with it...at least from his viewpoint. Happens all the time, one side believes "everything be grand" while the other is looking at their P45 and wondering when to turn it in. The reasons can vary, and are often extremely personal - it's not about not caring, you can get to the point where breaking up is an actual relief.

beks101 wrote: »

This sounds a bit like relationship avoidance after years of being single tbh. When I was single I found how commitmentphobic I was tended to increase the longer I was single. You can get a bit negative about it. I used to say things like "ah I just love my own time", "I work so much and want to do what I want in my spare time", "don't want to be tied down", "not a relationship person" etc.

Relationships aren't about inhibiting your freedom or curtailing your growth as a person though. Simply put, if you're feeling smothered in a relationship, you're in the wrong one. I'm with my fella a few years now, we do our own thing whenever we feel like it, have different hobbies and friends etc, but I prefer to be with him than not with him, and that's what a relationship should be I think. Something fun and warm and affirming, always having someone to come home to.

To be perfectly honest, it's also where I stand right now - and past relationships did nothing but strengthen the level of "relationship avoidance"; The cons vastly outweigh the pros for now and to be direct, the only thing I'm actually missing is sex. I see most of my friends being in fundamentally limiting arrangements - anything they do, be it the simplest and most innocent thing (e.g. go to watch a football match), they have to basically ask for permission. It's not how things should work - being in a relationship should be about adding things to your life, rather than taking them away. You shouldn't give up doing something you like because your partner is gonna be pissed off about it - if you do give something up, it has to be because there's something else you'd rather to with them.

From a man's perspective, it's not easy at all to find women who can understand boundaries in a relationship and conceive the idea that both people existed, as individuals, since before meeting. The media have a lot to answer for about this, as they tend to portray the classic "couple" as a completely unhealty sticky mess and men as some sort of senseless, irresponsible "fix up" job for women to undertake (I'm looking at you, chick flicks/series!).

For laughs (but it can lead to serious implications), google up "Boyfriend trainer"

beks101 wrote: »

Not really. You'll find some of the most insecure, dependent, needy people ever in relationships, often jumping from relationship to relationship because they can't stand on their own two feet. I think learning how to be single and happy and not spending your life looking for someone to validate you is a vital life skill.

Exactly. I seriously wish people would stop looking desperately left, right and centre and focus about being comfortable with themselves. Not being afraid of being on your own, not looking to coming back home to nobody with despair, having things to do on your own. Then look around - watch out, however, things DO tend to get very, very comfortable by yourself...

Wibbs

H3llR4iser wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, it's also where I stand right now - and past relationships did nothing but strengthen the level of "relationship avoidance"; The cons vastly outweigh the pros for now and to be direct, the only thing I'm actually missing is sex.

Been there. For years in between relationships just sought out affairs and casual stuff. Basically for the sex and novelty. Had zero interest in any of the other stuff. Get into a relationship and the dynamic always changes in my experience. Some of it in a good way, mostly in a bad. For me of course. I've seen this with women friends. Fantastic as mates, but we ain't shagging and that's the difference. They put their boyfriends through a lot more "testing" for want of a better word than they do me. It varies in intensity, from little enough but present to sweet jesus are you the same person or has my mate had a brain transplant. Openness can go down too. Best side to the front, particularly if they're looking at marriage, the migration to the burbs and white goods on sale. They say the past is a foreign country, with some it becomes a different planet.

Why this testing? It has been a mad notion of some and one I would run with in a big way that modern humans are (very)basically domesticated versions of earlier humans and we domesticated ourselves, or rather women did the lion's share of this over the millennia. Look at the leading man meme that's universal across cultures and time. It's nearly always some twist on the Heathcliff type; wild, untamed, even dangerous and outside average society and only our heroine can "change him" through "love". Essentially domesticate him. Bring him into the fold. The "Bad Boy" meme is another example(and tends to be much more in play in younger, more fertile women). If you're a nice guy reading this and single? Charles Manson, that now pensioner mass murdering shortarse psycho gets more love letters in a year in his prison cell than you'll likely get in a lifetime. Serial killers on death row are dead popular too. Now that's right on the edge of the truly extreme of course and the vast majority of women wouldn't be writing to such nut cases, but in a lesser way and again IMHO that's very widespread at lower levels outside such extremes. Among average women I have found what I call "Domestication goddesses"(apologies to Nigella Lawson ). They're not so extreme, but we'd all recognise one I'd bet. The Irish Mammy in training as it were. When they're looking for a man, they're on the lookout for one as "acceptable in polite company as possible" with a volume control that she has access to.

Another aspect might be down to motherhood and child rearing. The last thing a woman needs is a man who is emotionally reactive around kids. Kids can be monumental pains in the bum as well as being little angels. So maybe the "testing" particularly of the moody emotionals kind is to see if the man is non reactive and safe enough to have around kids. The man who flies off the handle is less a good bet. Nature reflects this too. EG even holding a baby causes a drop in blood serum testosterone in a man. Men in long term relationships have lower testosterone than their single peers. Long term relationships actively reduces the very hormone most responsible for turning the male in the first place.

Now mark me well here; many if not most men want this. They want to settle down in a loving relationship and move to the burbs and have families and look like a Denny TV advert. The guy whinging about his wife/GF in the pub is nearly always a fraud. It's an ego echo of him trying to act "cool" and thinking of his past "free" life. Another version I heard recently from a chap I used to know was "I've two kids now, but I'm as mad as I always was". Why in god's name would you see this as a plus? And why are you telling me this? Every one of these guys had a choice every step of the way and they said yes at every step of the way. Those kinda sentiments generally piss me off TBH.

Looking at my own life, I am quite sure if I had met, hit most of the right notes and had settled down with someone in my say late 20's I'd be happy and content enough within that framework. That I didn't was down to circumstances and some bad choices on all sides to one degree or other. Followed by me getting way too much on the ground experience and what came riding in on her coattails; cynicism. Actually, more than that, I just don't get surprised anymore. Ignorance is bliss, or rather, more naiveté is more conducive to contentment. IMH that goes double for men. I have found more of a tendency that women can go through some serious relationship crap and still remain optimistic to some degree. With men the shutters are far more likely to come down.

The media have a lot to answer for about this, as they tend to portray the classic "couple" as a completely unhealty sticky mess and men as some sort of senseless, irresponsible "fix up" job for women to undertake (I'm looking at you, chick flicks/series!).

+1000, though IMH the media is reflecting and exaggerating an existing notion. It wouldn't sell so well to the cheap seats throughout the world if it wasn't. See my wibblings above.

Billy Connolly noted this with regard to his wife Pamela when they were house hunting. They looked at oodles of gaffs and each one had some good points and some bad, but nothing spoke to her. He was content to wander around not really too pushed. Finally she found a house that was "perfect". He thinks brilliant and they buy it. He goes off on tour only to come back a few weeks later to find she has the builders in and walls are being knocked through.

armaghlad

Re op: it's easy! Try having your heart broken once or twice! You'll soon embrace the single life

Insect Overlord

Confucius say wrote: »

This certainly isn't a "man" thing OP! It works both ways. Anyway as someone above said, breakups don't come out of the blue. Myself and others close to me have had stressful relationships that turned extremely toxic and were a relief to get out of. Your friend probably isn't as happy as you think, maybe only on the surface, as even getting out of a bad relationship can be unpleasant.

+1 on this.

The OP could almost be describing me over the last few months. Broke up after two years. Instantly realised it was a mistake, but the damage was done. It hadn't been toxic or anything, but something changed towards the end. After the breakup she cut all contact and erased as many traces of me as possible from her life.

So I hit Tinder and POF and met a few new people and tried to have fun (and it has been fun!) and it probably looks like I'm a heartless manwhore to my ex and her friends, but to be honest I've been miserable since February and I probably need help.

the evasion_kid

Wibbs wrote: »

Why this testing? It has been a mad notion of some and one I would run with in a big way that modern humans are (very)basically domesticated versions of earlier humans and we domesticated ourselves, or rather women did the lion's share of this over the millennia. Look at the leading man meme that's universal across cultures and time. It's nearly always some twist on the Heathcliff type; wild, untamed, even dangerous and outside average society and only our heroine can "change him" through "love". Essentially domesticate him. Bring him into the fold. The "Bad Boy" meme is another example(and tends to be much more in play in younger, more fertile women). If you're a nice guy reading this and single? Charles Manson, that now pensioner mass murdering shortarse psycho gets more love letters in a year in his prison cell than you'll likely get in a lifetime. Serial killers on death row are dead popular too. Now that's right on the edge of the truly extreme of course and the vast majority of women wouldn't be writing to such nut cases, but in a lesser way and again IMHO that's very widespread at lower levels outside such extremes.

Ah ye olde sh!t test,nothing more has me packing my bags and heading for the hills like grease lightning,more so from my rebellious streak and not complying out of sheer principle aswell as it being fairly childish.I've seen it written and id have to agree that women will test men just as naturally as men will look at a woman's cleavage, to sort the wheat from the chaff so to speak,it also gives a feeling of power,after all theyre the ones doing the testing here,so you better toe the line.....BUSTER!

There's actually dating sites now were people can meet the convict of their dreams...

http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/its-a-dangerous-thing-dating-website-that-helps-people-connect-with-inmates-comes-with-a-warning

VisibleGorilla

I've been in a few relationships and I feel that unless the woman is completely insane, that men in general will have a much harder time from a breakup of a serious relationship than a woman will.

Women have a much greater support network and tend to become more social in these situations where as men go through the hard times solo, I'd be basing this on the experiences of myself and my small group of male friends.

Potatoeman

VisibleGorilla wrote: »

I've been in a few relationships and I feel that unless the woman is completely insane, that men in general will have a much harder time from a breakup of a serious relationship than a woman will.

Women have a much greater support network and tend to become more social in these situations where as men go through the hard times solo, I'd be basing this on the experiences of myself and my small group of male friends.

Usually because they didn't bother to maintain their social network. It seems far more common for guys to disappear when they get into relationships. When you disappear, people move on.