the draw of the land and family life

joeyboy12345

Hey folks,im sure many of ye have been in my position before and that is why im asking for yer help. Im an only son,farming part time along side my father the last 7 or 8 years. Green cert done ect ect. Its a small farm of 55 acres thats stil in dads name. I have what people call a 'good' permanent fulltime job so im not at all reliant on the farm.it is just a passion and a loyalty i have to it.

My problem is i am about to get married to a wonderful woman who comes 4m 250 miles away. She has moved here and we have been living close to the farm the last 2yrs. She has found it quite hard to settle in and has found it quite lonely,famialy are far away,friends ect. Its a days work to get her home so no way she can just pop home at ease.

Our plan was to build on the farm and she had bought into that but at the wkend she just broke down and said she couldnt live here any more.

Let me make this clear,i love the farm and the way of life but i aint goin2b a bacholer farmer with lots of land but no life!yet i dnt want to leave the farm!

Any advice would be greatly apreciated!

Milked out

joeyboy12345 wrote: »

Hey folks,im sure many of ye have been in my position before and that is why im asking for yer help. Im an only son,farming part time along side my father the last 7 or 8 years. Green cert done ect ect. Its a small farm of 55 acres thats stil in dads name. I have what people call a 'good' permanent fulltime job so im not at all reliant on the farm.it is just a passion and a loyalty i have to it.

My problem is i am about to get married to a wonderful woman who comes 4m 250 miles away. She has moved here and we have been living close to the farm the last 2yrs. She has found it quite hard to settle in and has found it quite lonely,famialy are far away,friends ect. Its a days work to get her home so no way she can just pop home at ease.

Our plan was to build on the farm and she had bought into that but at the wkend she just broke down and said she couldnt live here any more.

Let me make this clear,i love the farm and the way of life but i aint goin2b a bacholer farmer with lots of land but no life!yet i dnt want to leave the farm!

Any advice would be greatly apreciated!

Is there a town or city nearby where ye could rent or buy? Could give her a better chance of getting out and about meeting people or whatever. Not living on the land iant the be all ans end all. If you want to farm and keep herself happy compromise is the only way forward. Can't offer much advise other than that but going forward ye both have to be happy so talk it out I guess

joeyboy12345

Milked out wrote:

Is there a town or city nearby where ye could rent or buy? Could give her a better chance of getting out and about meeting people or whatever. Not living on the land iant the be all ans end all. If you want to farm and keep herself happy compromise is the only way forward. Can't offer much advise other than that but going forward ye both have to be happy so talk it out I guess

Thats part of the problem,were in a county with not a great reputation,the main town is quite poor and were 30 mins from there!i can totaly see her point,if it wasnt for the farm i wouldnt want to live here either!

Bullocks

joeyboy12345 wrote: »

Thats part of the problem,were in a county with not a great reputation,the main town is quite poor and were 30 mins from there!i can totaly see her point,if it wasnt for the farm i wouldnt want to live here either!

There's loads of way to look at it especially lifestyle wise . Do you need a big salary or can the farm pay what you need to live off ?
I was up at 5 this morning and didn't stop till 11:30 and missed work but I am having a lunch time pint/spritzer with the wife now in the sun that no career could pay for but I'm lucky that I don't need much money

hurling_lad

joeyboy12345 wrote: »

Thats part of the problem,were in a county with not a great reputation,the main town is quite poor and were 30 mins from there!i can totaly see her point,if it wasnt for the farm i wouldnt want to live here either!

It would be one thing if you were financially dependant on farming, but since it appears that you're not, it sounds like you have a very hard sell on your hands.

Hollister11

Could you possibly move somewhere that suits both of use work wise, and rent to land out to someone who will farm it for you.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

Username John

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

You mention you have a job - could you get a similar job close to where your wife is from?
Can your wife pick up work close to her home place as well?

No point in upping sticks and moving, only yo be worse off...

But I'd agree with the points above...

goldenhoarde

Username John wrote: »

You mention you have a job - could you get a similar job close to where your wife is from?
Can your wife pick up work close to her home place as well?

No point in upping sticks and moving, only yo be worse off...

But I'd agree with the points above...

I was writing a post on similar lines when I seen this and it echos what i was thinking


So could/would you move back to where our wife is from? It's now in the tough call stage but what was your future plans re a family of your own? Maybe your wife to be might see her way around to staying if she had a wee one to take her mind off things? Not saying at all that starting a family is a solution at all! But maybe having a plan for the future might help her.


On another note what is her background/family size? Reason being if she's from a farming background maybe if ye moved you could help out there on an adhoc basis!

Also it may not be that you need to move all the way back but where say does 45mins drive from your land get you?

joeyboy12345

Bullocks wrote:

There's loads of way to look at it especially lifestyle wise . Do you need a big salary or can the farm pay what you need to live off ? I was up at 5 this morning and didn't stop till 11:30 and missed work but I am having a lunch time pint/spritzer with the wife now in the sun that no career could pay for but I'm lucky that I don't need much money

The farm would not be capable of sustaining a full time living!

Hollister11 wrote:

Could you possibly move somewhere that suits both of use work wise, and rent to land out to someone who will farm it for you.

Personally i would hate to see it rented when i feel i should be farming it myself,but if needs must i mighnt have a choice

draiochtanois wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Were living in rural longford,the county is struggeling econemy and lifestyle wise. You could walk the lenght of longford town on a sat nite and not meet anybody!and thats no exageration!as for the smaller local towns all the people she could be meeting are in dublin working,most my friends are!

Username John wrote:

You mention you have a job - could you get a similar job close to where your wife is from? Can your wife pick up work close to her home place as well?

Yes were both in jobs we could get into easily,perhaps not permanent4awhile but in time id say yes

goldenhoarde wrote:

On another note what is her background/family size? Reason being if she's from a farming background maybe if ye moved you could help out there on an adhoc basis!

Shes from a rural non farming background with no land!

joeyboy12345

goldenhoarde wrote:

Also it may not be that you need to move all the way back but where say does 45mins drive from your land get you?

Is it possible to work any type of farm from this distance without ****ing things up majorly!youd only see them once a day at that.id rather not do it than do it half arsed

Muckit

joeyboy12345 wrote: »

Is it possible to work any type of farm from this distance without ****ing things up majorly!youd only see them once a day at that.id rather not do it than do it half arsed

Are you talking about the animals or your perspective wife?!! I suspect your talking about the farm. I hope you have the same attitude towards your future wife!!

Muckit

goldenhoarde wrote: »

Maybe your wife to be might see her way around to staying if she had a wee one to take her mind off things? Not saying at all that starting a family is a solution at all! But maybe having a plan for the future might help her.

Oh God help us. I don't know where to start with this one!!

tractorporn

joeyboy12345 wrote:

Were living in rural longford,the county is struggeling econemy and lifestyle wise. You could walk the lenght of longford town on a sat nite and not meet anybody!and thats no exageration!as for the smaller local towns all the people she could be meeting are in dublin working,most my friends are!

I totally feel you you here I moved home from the UK so I could be of more help to the family farm and currently working and part time farming.

Congratulations to you both on your upcoming wedding. My suggestion to you is to consider either Mullingar or Athlone rather than Longford. My work area covers Longford and I agree with you outside of farming there is not a lot going on.

Why I said either of the above two towns apart from being from my own county there seems to be a bit more going on there than in Longford, restaurants, bars etc and yet your less than an hour away from the farm which should allow you to do a few evenings a week plus the weekend.

I'm terms of farming system you have to cut your cloth to suit yourself. You could try drystock cattle which need a bit less management than say sucklers cows.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

thegreatgonzo

Did your girlfriend move to Longford to be with you or had she some kind of life going on in the town or whatever before she moved out to the village?

joeyboy12345

Muckit wrote:

Are you talking about the animals or your perspective wife?!! I suspect your talking about the farm. I hope you have the same attitude towards your future wife!!

Ha ha! No i def meant the farm and the cattle but i can see how the comment could work4d wife aswel!lol on a serious note,traveling to and from a farm and then doin a small bit of work inbetween wouldnt leave you with a whole lot of family time either!

huey1975

goldenhoarde wrote: »

I was writing a post on similar lines when I seen this and it echos what i was thinking


So could/would you move back to where our wife is from? It's now in the tough call stage but what was your future plans re a family of your own? Maybe your wife to be might see her way around to staying if she had a wee one to take her mind off things? Not saying at all that starting a family is a solution at all! But maybe having a plan for the future might help her.

Definitely don't take this advice. Do not get her knocked up just to take her mind off things!!!

joeyboy12345

thegreatgonzo wrote:

Did your girlfriend move to Longford to be with you or had she some kind of life going on in the town or whatever before she moved out to the village?

She moved here solely because of me!

freedominacup

joeyboy12345 wrote: »

The farm would not be capable of sustaining a full time living!



Personally i would hate to see it rented when i feel i should be farming it myself,but if needs must i mighnt have a choice


Were living in rural longford,the county is struggeling econemy and lifestyle wise. You could walk the lenght of longford town on a sat nite and not meet anybody!and thats no exageration!as for the smaller local towns all the people she could be meeting are in dublin working,most my friends are!



Yes were both in jobs we could get into easily,perhaps not permanent4awhile but in time id say yes



Shes from a rural non farming background with no land!

You're from longford? And she's from a place 250 miles away? Somewhere in the U.K.?

joejobrien

There alot of advice coming here.
Make your own conculision on each one.
But I will say this, Your future wife is the person you want to be with.?
If so she is no. 1 and no2 and the rest is down the line, what ever you my think.
It is her you will come home to daily and aint much happiness with you loving the farm and your cattle if she is unhappy.
Mark my words, that will not work.
If you love your farm more than her, reconsider.
Tough choice needs to be made now or in a few years when the wheels start falling off the wagon.
Choose wisely.
BEST OF LUCK

joeyboy12345

freedominacup wrote:

You're from longford? And she's from a place 250 miles away? Somewhere in the U.K.?

freedominacup wrote:

You're from longford? And she's from a place 250 miles away? Somewhere in the U.K.?

West kerry!and believe me those aint great roads!

MF290

Would you consider relocating the farm, sell it and buy a similar place elsewhere?
Alternatively get her a present of flying lessons and let her fly up and down the country from Abbeyshrule!

Louthmouth1

Chill man. Women change their minds all the time like the weather. Try and get her interested in some aspect of the farm this will make it a joint involvement which also could possibly develop into a nice past time. If all else fails buy her a white horse.

Miname

Have you tried helping here integrate in Longford. You boys are a breed of your own meant with the least possible disrespect. If she's into sports there's loads of women's athletics, the gaa or whatever it takes. Bring her out and meet plenty of people around and help give her a reason to want to stay. I've been in a similar situation when I was younger and once a network of friends are established life gets a lot easier.

Where were ye before this?
Had it been a long distance relationship?
Is she working locally?
Are you working locally?

Arrow in the Knee

On a kind of side note:

What's the story with pre-nuptial agreement in Ireland?

Nothing yet or what?

CloughCasey1

Arrow in the Knee wrote: »

On a kind of side note:

What's the story with pre-nuptial agreement in Ireland?

Nothing yet or what?

Well the usual thing is the man walks to the alter owning 100% signs on the dotted line walks back down with 50%.

blondchick

I moved to longford for exactly the same reason as your fiancee. Have always liked it. As kids came along have made more and more friends from cork, Kerry, Donegal, mayo and even some native longford people! Other posters suggested buy another farm you can't do that, this is your farm! Lots of places to meet people in longford. If you both have jobs here how easy would it be to get similar jobs in Kerry. I know it's a long drive to Kerry but surely she can go on her own every so often and the road goes both ways!

thegreatgonzo

joeyboy12345 wrote: »

She moved here solely because of me!

That's hard for her alright if you are the only person she knows. Like someone else suggested could ye compromise on trying to live in Athlone or Mullingar? Athlone is lively enough and it's no distance from say Ballymahon or Keenagh if that's the side of Longford you are in. You could keep some drystock as someone suggested and you wouldn't have to be on the farm all day.

Bass Reeves

It is pre nupital nerves. She is thinking about the future. When the two of you have children if they are boys they will have to play football for Longford. For women that come from Kerry this is a huge phobia. Can you imagine you were raised in Kerry they filled the pot hole's with All-Ireland medals ( and there are a lot of pot holes in Kerry) before the Healy-Rae stopped them and got them a bit tar and chips. The only time you see an All Ireland medal in Longford is when the Donegal boys pass through there on there way home and they have few enough as well.

I do not know how to give you any advice about this. You could try showing her this thread she might get a laugh out of it.

blue5000

Bass Reeves wrote: »

It is pre nupital nerves. She is thinking about the future. When the two of you have children if they are boys they will have to play football for Longford. For women that come from Kerry this is a huge phobia. Can you imagine you were raised in Kerry they filled the pot hole's with All-Ireland medals ( and there are a lot of pot holes in Kerry) before the Healy-Rae stopped them and got them a bit tar and chips. The only time you see an All Ireland medal in Longford is when the Donegal boys pass through there on there way home and they have few enough as well.

I do not know how to give you any advice about this. You could try showing her this thread she might get a laugh out of it.

Can't advise you either, but if she sees this thread she'll be packing the bags for Kerry before you get a chance to log off and start stammering an explanation. I think the two of you need to talk it out between you. What do you want and what does she want and can there be a compromise.

goldenhoarde

Muckit wrote: »

Oh God help us. I don't know where to start with this one!!

:):) As I said its not a solution but males and females do think differently and having a family is one of those things girls think about.

Plus getting married is a stressful time for the ladies more so than the lads so maybe she is missing having family about that bit more.

Over the 2 years ye have been there has she expressed these feelings before?

westcoast66

It was so much easier when lads just married a girl from the next parish.

Around here, XMas is now like the feckin UN!

Someyolk

Went through a similar thing a few years ago before we got married. I'm from a farm and working full time. Herself is from 2 1/2 hours away with not much love for farming although she came from a farm.
Every few months there would be a melt down. No way she was going to hack it living there. Same reasons as yourself op. Wanted us to live in the town 15 minutes away. It would last 1-2 days then all would be forgotten about and everything would be great for another few months. I could see her point and understood where she was coming from but there was no way I was going anywhere.
I think she knew if it was put to me to choose the farm or her what the answer would have been (as sad as that may sound). As a previous poster said they can change there minds very easily (no disrespect meant). Stress of organising the wedding used to set mine off.
We are married now with children and she has made friends of her own through the school, running clubs etc. and she seems happy out.
My advice would be not to panic just yet as all could be forgotten about in a few days.

Kovu

Moved to the Off Season as it seems to fit here better- Please note the stricter forum charter and moderation applies.

joeyboy12345

Deleted User wrote:

Where were ye before this? Had it been a long distance relationship? Is she working locally? Are you working locally?

We were doin the long distance up to 3yrs ago when she decided to move up as it was make or break! She gave up a permanent job when people were crying out 4them.luckily she got work up here and has been in the same place ever since,i work 55 mins from the farm 5days a week

blondchick wrote:

I moved to longford for exactly the same reason as your fiancee. Have always liked it. As kids came along have made more and more friends from cork, Kerry, Donegal, mayo and even some native longford people! Other posters suggested buy another farm you can't do that, this is your farm! Lots of places to meet people in longford. If you both have jobs here how easy would it be to get similar jobs in Kerry. I know it's a long drive to Kerry but surely she can go on her own every so often and the road goes both ways!

Wow,thats great to hear blondchick and wel done on settelin in,i know it cant have been easy!may i ask where you moved from and maybe more interestingly whats your local town now?if i walked away from farming in the morning i could never sell it!plenty before me were worse stuck for money than me and didnt sell up,id be wrecked with guilt!

goldenhoarde wrote:

Plus getting married is a stressful time for the ladies more so than the lads so maybe she is missing having family about that bit more.

This is very true,particularly her mother!

goldenhoarde wrote:

Over the 2 years ye have been there has she expressed these feelings before?

Someyolk wrote:

Went through a similar thing a few years ago before we got married. I'm from a farm and working full time. Herself is from 2 1/2 hours away with not much love for farming although she came from a farm. Every few months there would be a melt down. No way she was going to hack it living there. Same reasons as yourself op. Wanted us to live in the town 15 minutes away. It would last 1-2 days then all would be forgotten about and everything would be great for another few months. I could see her point and understood where she was coming from but there was no way I was going anywhere. I think she knew if it was put to me to choose the farm or her what the answer would have been (as sad as that may sound). As a previous poster said they can change there minds very easily (no disrespect meant). Stress of organising the wedding used to set mine off. We are married now with children and she has made friends of her own through the school, running clubs etc. and she seems happy out. My advice would be not to panic just yet as all could be forgotten about in a few days.

Yes she always stated she never wants 2live in longford but that she was willing to try,and that she has!she finds it very lonely once im not around and it does get her down which isnt good for anyone! I think it could be kids that will be what gets her integrated but were a long way of that yet,we both want to see more of the world 1st and even so, its 4 or 5 years before a child goes to school!i wont be taking 1posters advice that a kid asap is whats needed to fix it!lol

I appreciate everyones input into this,particularly those like someyolk and blondchick who have experience of it first hand!its quite a stressful time here so all your advice and even stories is appreciated and helps!

blondchick

Just to reply to your questions I am only about 70 miles away from where I am originally from so it is not as much of a drive for me to get there. I suppose it was different for me because I had been living in Dublin for some years before I moved. When I moved (quite a few years ago now!) I was on the point of getting married so I suppose it never occurred to me that I didnt have to stay! I did find it a little bit lonely at first but I joined a drama group and a tidy towns group which was brillant for getting me out and about and meeting people. I also did make friends at work and as my kids came along I got to know other mums but that only really happened once they started school. My nearest town would be Longford and I have to say I am really happy here now. I still wear my own Co. Jersey and when Longford are not playing my kids do to! I think your finacee needs to get out and about, I found the tidy towns group great, I met people from all walks of life and it got me out and about in the fresh air. There was also an odd night out etc which was great. It can be a slow process but especially if you support her she will settle in.

Kovu

Kovu wrote: »

Moved to the Off Season as it seems to fit here better- Please note the stricter forum charter and moderation applies.

Moved back to main forum as per request- S&OS Charter remains in place for this thread.

Muckit

Was only thinking about this recently.

How are other lads farming parttime with young family managing things? I'm talking toddlers.

I tell ya think it'll be tricky here til my lad can wipe his own a**e.

Hard to justify spending long hours either on what is effectively a hobby when kids to be attended to.

I do often think of a friend warning me when herself was pregnant that l'd spend manys a day looking out the window at the finest of a day.

Nekarsulm

Muckit wrote: »

I do often think of a friend warning me when herself was pregnant that l'd spend manys a day looking out the window at the finest of a day.

Friend reckoned that the crew cab jeep was the most usefull parenting aid to come around the place.
Could park it in the yard, in view, and get on with the job while still keeping an eye on the kids. Lyric FM on the radio.

tanko

Plenty of lads have a child seat installed in the tractor. I suppose if you had two or three toddlers you'd have to put some seats on the roof.

patsy_mccabe

You could bolt child seats onto the side of implements too, I suppose. Muck spreader would be messy though.

whelan2

All my kids had their naps in the jeep. I didnt have time to be staying inside for the time they were asleep. Handy as I could do work and watch them at the same time