rethinkingmove

LegacyUser

I'm moving to a new job nearer my partner. It's a promotion level wise but but the pay is much less because it's abroad.

My savings will be a third of what I have here and I will need to leave where we plan to live at 5am to get to work and be back about 8 or 9pm (1hr 30 commute).

I'm having serious doubts but I've built up my partners hopes of finally living together. I was too exited to do the maths until now.

There is a promotion available at work soon and I have a good chance of getting it, increasing my savings further.
I could potentially save 1'400 per month in comparison to 350 if I moved.

I feel selfish if I decided to stay and it would add another year of long distance in the relationship. But I wouldn't be able to save for a ring/wedding/ mortgage if I moved.

Would it be selfish if I stayed?

ellie1

No you wouldn't be if your reasons for doing it are for you both; ie : ring / mortgage etc.

Can she not move to live where you live now?

miezekatze

I think you'll need a compromise here. Would you be able to work closer to where you would be living, or could you live closer to where you would be working? Or maybe your partner could move in with you? I think the potential commute is the biggest issue, I wouldn't really worry too much about not being able to save as much money.

LegacyUser

ellie1 wrote: »

No you wouldn't be if your reasons for doing it are for you both; ie : ring / mortgage etc.

Can she not move to live where you live now?

She wants to better her English before working here (She works in Uk).As she knows the software of her company already as she spent 8 years with them in Spain, it's something to fall back on if her English fails her. But this conpany are not in ireland.

It was a plan to move here too but I got carried away with the job offer in UK and didnt factor in finances properly.

LegacyUser

You'd be mad to take the new job
You'll have no work life balance
As well as being time poor, you'll be money poor
And lowering your future job prospects
The relationship will actually be **more** likely to break up because you'll be so tired& frustrated& stressed that you'll inevitably take it out on your OH.
Explain it to your OH as you have in your OP
On all levels- financial, personal, practical- it makes more sense to stay put& have a more concrete & successful future

LegacyUser

It was a plan for her to move here after a year of working in UK. She wanted to improve her English while working with a company she is familiar with from her native country (they don't have a base in Ireland).

We will be living together if I move. Closer to my work in London the rent is going to be higher and I will be at my max as is.

Emme

Long distance selfishness? wrote: »

I'm moving to a new job nearer my partner. It's a promotion level wise but but the pay is much less because it's abroad.

My savings will be a third of what I have here and I will need to leave where we plan to live at 5am to get to work and be back about 8 or 9pm (1hr 30 commute).

I'm having serious doubts but I've built up my partners hopes of finally living together. I was too exited to do the maths until now.

There is a promotion available at work soon and I have a good chance of getting it, increasing my savings further.
I could potentially save 1'400 per month in comparison to 350 if I moved.

I feel selfish if I decided to stay and it would add another year of long distance in the relationship. But I wouldn't be able to save for a ring/wedding/ mortgage if I moved.

Would it be selfish if I stayed?

The commute could destroy your relationship. What are your chances of getting back to a similar salary here if you come back from abroad?

I don't think you would be selfish if you stayed for a better job and more money here. You would be able to afford to go over and see her and save more than you could if you were living together.

You would be mad to move op, absolutely mad. Less pay, long commute, having to get up at 5am etc etc. You will be wrecked all the time and have very little money to show for it. That before you even consider the fact you have a chance at promotion here thus making more money.

To me it would make much more sense for your partner to move here, if her English is good enough for the UK it's good enough for here and as she has no ties there I don't see why you would move over rather than her back (the English isn't a reason in my opinion).

orthsquel

I think you are right to step back a bit and realise if this is the right way forward.

If you are gone from 5am to 8/9pm weekdays, what would your partner be doing, what would their routine be? To live where you are currently planning on living together, is she going to be facing similar sorts of hours with an 1 hour and a half commute and getting up and leaving in or around the same time and getting home for the same time? What sort of sacrifice financially would she be taking moving to where you are planning to? Or has she already taken financial and career sacrifices to move the relationship forward and be closer together?

What I'm getting at is, is there a balance in your relationship where you have both made sacrifice and are both going to be making sacrifices in order to live together and have your relationship and not have the distance? Are you both going to be facing a similar changed lifestyle?

I think it does impact whether you should move or not as tbh if for example you're gone from 5am until 9pm and she's gone 5am until 8/9pm it's a different kind of issue where both of you have constraints and responsibilities of work that impact your relationship but in an equal same way; if however you're gone 5am until 9pm and she's gone 8am to 5pm that has the potential to really affect your relationship and you both may be questioning why you've made the move when you've different living patterns and one is away more than the other.

Financially I can see everyone else's point already raised about the pay cut, higher cost of living, less savings... but that the benefit is that the relationship continues at an evolved level. However much you see of eachother and the life you could have together is dependent imo on if you're both working similar hours in a similar pattern or not.
But financially it doesn't make huge sense but I think it really depends on what you both have already made in terms of sacrifice to maintain your relationship so far and where you're at in terms of compromise and long term planning.

Do you want to move to the UK in the first place? Before this job in the UK came up was that the plan? Or is it because it's a bit of a short cut to the "finally being together" part of the relationship after a long time long distance?
If moving to the UK was a real option and you and your partner have long terms plans for a relationship, have you discussed how long you would be living there, is it for a set length of time, is it something you both want to permanently live there, or just a short term to live and work there to be together? Is living in the UK something you wanted anyway, or completely dependent on something for you to do while your partner has work with the company? Is it dependent on her and her plans? Or was it all a bit up in the air about making it work somehow and this is an opportunity to be together?

I think there's no harm stepping back and asking yourself the right questions about why you are moving and what the purpose of it is. I can understand that in theory it might be lovely to move to another country to be with a person you want to share your life with but I think in practice it has to be something you want to do anyway (move to another country) rather it being completely dependent on another individual and their plans.

If it's all a bit of a whirlwind solution to a long term problem that you feel you are getting carried away then really you need to sit down, think it through, and discuss it with your partner in person. I think you should also ask yourself are you putting general finance as an obstacle in your path or is the financial issue a real issue, and not an excuse to delay moving in together if you're not ready.

Lavinia

Hi OP,
have you talked with your gf after you put numbers on paper?

TBH to me it seems more "mature" decision to "sacrifice" 1 more year of long distance and she to move here but of course depends how you feel...


Also there are jobs here that require the knowledge of other language e.g. Spanish so she could have an advantage there

LegacyUser

orthsquel, she is getting more money than in Spain. She was planning to return to South America before we met but stayed in Europe. She did come here for a few months job searching to no avail.
And I would not have searched for the job in uk if she weren't there, but I think it will be good experience for us both for our cv back here in a few years.

Lavinia, we have talked about the financial stresses and is aware that I might not be able to stick with the arrangement should expenses increase and offered to alter the rent share. And that decisions we make, will be together. If I come back, she will come too.

So I will be continuing with the move. Thanks for the advice/listening