Godchild / Breakup

unhappykat

Hi there

My ex and I were together for nearly 8 years. In that time his sister made me godmother to one of her children.

Since we broke up over a year ago, I have kept up sending birthday and xmas presents to the god child (the child is nearly 3) but am starting to wonder what the done thing is?

I am not asking to be invited to anything (birthdays for the child etc) as I couldn't handle the awkwardness and to be fair, no invites would be forthcoming anyway. But in sending presents etc - I haven't received even a photo of the child in over a year and a half. It takes her parents several days to text me a 'thank you' and while I am not doing it for thanks, I am starting to feel like a mug.

Any suggestions/advice on what to do? I don't want the child to suffer but at the same time I am feeling like I am being too nice.

Thanks!

whiskeyman

That's a shame.
Personally, I'd back out.
Since you're not exactly going to see the kid anymore, what's the point?

taco.cat

I think the best thing to do would to be to call up the sister and ask her how she'd like to proceed. A godparent is for life, not a flavour of the month. My brother's godmother disappeared from his life when he was very young, and I think that's something he (and my parents) was always very hurt by.

I think it's commenable that you want to stay involved with the child, and I think it would be massively unfair of the parents to deprive the child of a godparent. On the other hand, though, there's no point in you making all the effort if the parents don't want you to.

So, my advice is call them up and ask them how they want to proceed. Make it clear that you're happy to remain in the child's life, but that you'll accept their decision if they'd rather you stepped away.

Duvetdays

I wouldn't bother anymore the parents don't seem too concerned with keeping in touch with you and if it was a messy breakup I can see why it would be awkward for all involved.

I'd personally be of the opinion of its only a godparent I don't really find them that important. Most people aren't religious and only get kids baptised to keep the grand parents happy or get them into the local primary school. You don't see the child and it takes them days to send a thank you text.

Rachiee

If the child was a bit older id defibitely keep it up but as the child is so young not having a godparent is not something that theyll really miss he/she doesnt really know who you are id just leave it.
I think its lovely that youve tried to keep the role but ultimately more hassle than ots worth.

Lady is a tramp

In your position, I think I'd continue to send birthday and Christmas cards, along with gifts (of a low monetary value.) The way I'd see it, I'd have been aware when I accepted the invitation that there was a possibility the relationship wouldn't last, and it's not fair that the child should lose a godparent because of it.

If the parents are uncomfortable with this, they will let you know eventually. And you should of course respect their wishes, in this case.

retro:electro

You're not in the child's life anymore, there's no need for you to keep sending cards and gifts. For all you know they may have appointed someone else since you broke up. I'd just phase it out now.

This happened in my family. My brother's godmother was divorced by my uncle. She was effectively out of the family from then on. I don't think any efforts to send gifts or be a part of his life would have been received well. A shame for my brother, as a child, because he got less gifts (though my uncle would make up for this, sending him the odd gift) but better for the family as a whole.

Electric Sheep

IME, Irish people are very hypocritical about baptism in general, and godparents really do tend to be "flavor of the month". It's just a party to most of them.

If you are religious, and practicing, and genuinely want the role of a true godparent, keep in touch with the child. If it was just an "honor" bestowed due to your relationship with the child's uncle, let it go.

December2012

Do you ask to see or spend time with the child?

They do say thanks, it's not as quick as you like but it is there.

Apart from sending gifts (which is lovely) what do you think should be happening and are you doing anything to achieve it? Effort is not just sending gifts.

Ursus Horribilis

The godparent thing bemuses me but that's probably because we never made a big deal out if it in my family. Anyway I think you're as well off to let this lapse. Even if the child's parents think it's important, the fact that you're an ex overrides everything else. My guess is that they'd prefer if you stopped sending things.

silverharp

OP I think you are over valuing your "role" as godmother. Essentially someone had to be roped in on the day. No reason to stay in contact , its probably only embarrassing for the family. Also chances are it might be irritating your ex.

Electric Sheep

Electric Sheep wrote: »

godparents really do tend to be "flavor of the month". It's just a party to most of them.

unhappykat wrote: »

I don't want the child to suffer

Why would you think the child would "suffer"? It's really not a big deal and if you've no real contact or communication with the parents and no relationship with the child (which you don't, she has no clue about you) then there is no reason to continue with this.

LegacyUser

Electric Sheep wrote: »

If you are religious, and practicing, and genuinely want the role of a true godparent, keep in touch with the child. If it was just an "honor" bestowed due to your relationship with the child's uncle, let it go.

+ 1 This OP

If you are religious and the role of godparent is important to you then I would contact the parents and ask them what they wish to do. While they may not have asked you to stop they may just find themselves stuck between a rock and hard place with the break-up and don't know how to bring up the topic.

If your not religious then I would just stop being involved. It might give you peace of mind to contact the parents and tell them but I wouldn't feel it's something you have to do.

unhappykat

Hi folks

Thanks for the responses!

When I said 'I don't want the child to suffer' what I meant was in terms of not getting presents from her godmother. Perhaps suffer was the wrong word to use

Bit of background - I am not Catholic. I was raised in a non-Christian household and never had godparents. And any time I have heard people (i.e. my adult friends) here reference their godparents, it's generally with reference to memories of great presents received from godparents during childhood.

I don't think I am over valuing my role at all - to be fair I am asking because I have no idea what to do in this situation.

I don't ask to see the child - I think THAT would be over-valuing my role as godmother. I think asking to see her would make things extra awkward and that's the last thing I want.

I will probably just phase the whole thing out as a few have suggested. It seems like the best thing to extricate myself now

Thanks again

unhappykat

unhappykat wrote: »

any time I have heard people (i.e. my adult friends) here reference their godparents, it's generally with reference to memories of great presents received from godparents during childhood.

And the ones who don't mention them (which I would guess are in the majority) don't because they probably don't even know who they are, I haven't a clue who my godparents are ... good friends of my parents at the time but things change. :pac:

unhappykat wrote: »

I don't think I am over valuing my role at all - to be fair I am asking because I have no idea what to do in this situation.

Absolutely, it's a fair question and the responses could have been different if you had a relationship with the child or if things were different with the parents but I think it's fair enough to say you're off the hook.

Ken.

Head in to the post office and set up a savings account. Stick a few quid in it every time a present is due. When the child reaches 18 track them down and hand over the book.

unhappykat

Interesting suggestion but that actually sounds a bit much me. As in, not having contact with her/that family for the next 16 or so years and then handing over a wad of cash?

Maybe if the situation was different. Otherwise, no.

Ursus Horribilis

The post office suggestion sounds bizarre to me, even for a godchild you have in your life. I have a godchild - a nephew - and I don't treat him in any way differently to any of my other nieces and nephews. The only time I might possibly resume godparent duties is when he makes his confirmation. Even then there's no guarantee I'll be asked. Actually I hope I won't be

December2012

So you don't want to see the child, or maintain any relationship with the child?

Do you want to keep sending gifts? How would that be awkward?

unhappykat

I do want to see the child however in the year since I have split with her uncle, her family have only been in touch with me to thank me for presents sent. I don't feel comfortable making requests/demands to see her as I am no longer part of the family and I don't want to alienate anyone.

Sending gifts could potentially be awkward for her parents but also for her (and my ex). Imagine every time she gets a gift from me 'Hey X! Your godmother unhappykat sent this present for you'. Child: 'Who the feck is that?' And to be honest I'd feel fairly used if I spent the next 15 years sending a child presents and not even get a picture from time to time and no chance of spending time with her. Kinda wondering why I'd bother?

Confucius say

Just forget it ever happened. Any attempt to contact about anything may be seen as you trying to have involvement with your ex. I'm sure the child will manage without you! I don't even know or care if I had any God parents and I'm doing just swell

Milly33

Very sad that they are like this, that's why you must take god kids seriously..I know tis all nice and good to ask someone but like this.. And I would think this is the parents fault entirely as they asked you, so in fairness they should be keeping contact with you... believe me they will when they need you for communions and confirmations..

I would say keep sending cards, put nothing in them just send something to say that you are thinking of them.. If you want to do something with money maybe you could just put some money away for them from time to time and give it to them when they are 18..Nothing major again but just so they know that you are there

sadie06

I'm of the opinion that you should send a nominal gift and card on her birthday. Ditch Christmas!

That way, it can never be said (and I've heard it said) that you turned your back on the situation. I wouldn't even care that she doesn't know who I am!

I had an aunty that I didn't meet until I was 12ish as she lived in the middle east. She was almost mystical to me as she was someone we just received postcards from and occasional exotic presents in the post.

Take joy in delivering reasonably priced mysterious gifts once a year!

December2012

Have you asked when you can see her? Unless there's abuse, crime or infidelity in the breakup there's no reason why you can't call over on a pre arranged time.

unhappykat

I won't go into the details of the breakup but it was not amicable.

I will not insist on seeing the child.

miezekatze

If you have no contact with your ex and the split wasn't amicable then I think it's best to stop sending cards/presents altogether. I think the child's parents would understand.

In my family the godparents would have been the main gift-givers when I was a child. My parents and my godfather (my uncle) had a massive falling out when I was maybe 8 or 9. There was no contact for several years. I got a present in the post for my first birthday after the argument which my mum almost sent back to him, and nothing after that. It was no big deal for me though, I understood that the uncle was kind of out of our lives and it would have been weird to get a present from someone I have no contact with otherwise. So don't worry about it, just stop all contact, it's probably what they would want/expect.

Idle Passerby

Considering your out of the family a whole year and didn't split with your ex on good terms, my assumption would be that the parents curt and late arriving "thank yous" are due to them being a bit baffled about why your still persisting with keeping in contact.
The child was 2 when he/she last saw you, they have no clue who you are so can't miss you. Keeping in touch could come across more as being a nuisance ex of the parents brother than anything I'd say. Seeing as they chose a non Catholic as godparent I think it's safe to say they were never expecting you to be the child's spiritual guardian so just let it go.

Milly33

I would actually think fair deuce to the OP for actually taking the responsible side of things, wether he be religious or not. Not that it has much to do about anything just a word... The parents should not have made or asked the OP to be Godparent if they did not trust him, that should not change even if he has broken up with their sister/brother.... Seriously OP it is commendable that you are still wanting or even thinking about this a lot would not... like mine now I don't even talk to my friend anymore haven't seen her in maybe 3 years, but I still have a responsibility as god parent in my head.. So if the kid every does need me I will be there even if he doesn't know me

Ursus Horribilis

You're assuming the child's parents believe godparents are important. There have been very different responses to it here. At one end of the scale you have people telling our OP to stick money in an envelope and give it to the child when they reach 18. At the other there are people who don't know their godparents and grew up without them in their lives. For some people, baptism is a box ticking exercise. It might be something to get the child into the local school. Or the parents not being particularly religious but getting their child christened anyway. Even the talk of needing a godparent later on isn't quite right. Not having a godparent to hand is not a problem when it comes to first communions or confirmations. Anyone can do the job.

Idle Passerby made a valid point. If the parents were religious and wanted someone to oversee the child's spiritual development, would they have chosen a non catholic to stand for their child? It's more likely that they picked her because she was the uncle's other half and nothing more. To me this is a cut and dried case of "move on, you're not wanted" but I can see how some of the attitudes here can muddy the waters.

eviltwin

It's probably awkward for the parents too, who knows what they are hearing from the ex. I'd contact them. I don't think the breakup should impact on your relationship with the child, people can be mature about these things and why should the child miss out. The parents obviously think highly of you to give you the role. Maybe they don't want to push it in case it's upset for you. They might be more than happy to have you involved. Just ask them what they want, tell them what you want and see if you can find a way forward.

Lavinia

Well, even i do not consider myself as religious, I feel somehow that god-parenting is for life, regardless if you will do or be doing anything about it or not.
If I were that child, I presume I'd like that my god-parent is involved in my life.
I have been Christened late - when I decided I want to and I chose my godmother, sadly she passed away young and is no longer with us so I cannot be in contact with her, but loved her lots and knew her since I was born.

I have been a godmother to a son of my friend, but our ways somehow parted due to large living distance, and her son is now a big boy, but I would contact him from time to time. I do not consider myself as being a good godmother at all, wish to change that...

You could talk with your ex's sister, but generally you are a godmother of the child, not of her.

Good luck either way!

PLL

My Godparents never treated me like I was their Godchild, I honestly think they forgot. They never got me anything, it was pretty sad to experience as a child - I didn't get a gift off them never mind any support/guidance. Ironically my Godfather, now 50 has recently become a preacher of some sort, went to Bible school etc you would think he try to guide me somehow.

Anyway, I would try if you can to keep contact, as the years go things might settle and you'll get a chance to be involved. Otherwise the child will just think you forgot / don't care about them. If you think it'll never be possible to ever be in his life, then really you already know the answer.