Friends or more?

LegacyUser

I've been friendly with this guy for the last couple of years. I've always found him attractive but nothing has ever happened between us until recently. Last July, I found out that I would be relocating overseas with my work for a few months. The weeks before I left, I began to see a bit more of him and we ended up spending a night together before I left. At the time we both agreed that it was just a once-off and nothing serious. We were in a small bit of contact when I was away but only a sporadic email here and there.

Since February. I've moved back to Dublin and have been seeing a good bit of him again but purely as a friend. We would meet a lot for coffee and lunch. However, I know that I want something more. I am finding it very awkward around him as I am so physically attracted to him. He mentioned to me that he is in a relationship with someone, though it is fairly casual and is still going on dates with other girls. He is someone who would be quite popular with women and is very sociable and outgoing. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I'm a very shy, private person and, apart from the odd date here or there, I wouldn't really meet that many men. I really do like being friends with him as we have a lot in common, but I don't want to jeopardise our friendship by declaring my romantic interest in him.

I'm thinking that I should just wait for the moment and if something develops it develops but not push anything, as tough as this is to do. I would really appreciate any advice or any input from someone that might have been in a similar situation.

magneticimpulse

I would question he is seeing someone but it's just casual. What happens if you fall for him more and he doesn't leave the casual girlfriend? If he is not 100% available I would run as he will only wreck your head for his own ego boost

batmanrobin

Well, OP, it's not much of a friendship when one person wants more. You can't sustain this, it'll wreck your head big time! You have two options (1) tell him how you feel or (2) cut contact with him. He's seeing other people while in this relationship. If he was interested in dating you, he might have given some kind of indication. As it is, he hasn't. Make of that what you will.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses so far.
I can't just cut contact with him as we are both involved in a sports club together, that's how we became friends in the first place. I meet him regularly through this, but we also frequently meet independently of this. It is usually him who initiates us meeting outside of the club and he will often text me or ring me as well. I don't think he is someone who would lead me on to get an ego boost.

PLL

batmanrobin wrote: »

If he was interested in dating you, he might have given some kind of indication. As it is, he hasn't.

This is the most valuable thing I have learned through the years of growing up and trying to make sense of guys.

If a guy wants something more, he will indicate it in some way.

It's up to you to see if you think this could be possible, or just ask.

Idle Passerby

I dont think theres anything more on his side based on the fact he's telling you he's already seeing several women, one of whom is presumably semi-regular but not good enough to be exclusive with. If he had an interest in you (or anyone) he'd be cutting the spares loose and making it clear he's interested. As it is he seems happy to be casual with a number of women. I wouldn't be happy to be in someones harem.

LegacyUser

Cut contact. It's not a friendship if you're romantically interested. Once you do he will probably approach you after a while wondering why you've disappeared. Then perhaps tell him it's because you have feelings for him, and your fake 'friendship' is going nowhere and because he's supposedly in this casual relationship (which I'm sure the gf has no clue how casual it is). Although I wouldn't advise telling him, it will just be an ego boost for him as he doesn't seem to be returning much romantic feelings, it may come to that because you like him. I'd advise to cut contact, or at least stop meeting him, it sounds like he's happy to just coast and waste your time so you need to remove yourself. And then ultimately one of you will bite the bullet and be honest.

Believe me I've been there you would not believe how some people will use another because they don't want commitment or want to just delude themselves that all is innocent when it's really a cover for their indecisiveness and need for all these options and attention. No it doesn't sound nice to label it like that or as an ego boost, but when you get down to it and are honest with yourself and him that's what it is, you're not getting what you want, but he's happy.

CaraMay

Tbh I wouldn't just jump into bed with him if you want more. As someone said, he seems to be running a kind of harem and it would be very easy to fall into that position. Wonder what would happen if you met someone else? Had that ever happened?

beks101

It'd be very easy to jump back into bed with this guy and end up getting your heart broken.

Sounds like he's quite enjoying the casual thing at the moment and I don't see any indicators of him wanting anything more serious with you. The "casual relationship but seeing other girls" sounds almost like an invite tbh. I'd be careful with this one.

magicmushroom

When you spent a night with him before, how did that come about?

Was there drink involved, did it come from one of you admitting feelings for the other etc...
When you agreed that it was just a once-off and nothing serious, was it him that initiated this or you?

Just trying to get a picture of how it happened as it might give more of an indication as to how he feels about you.

If he is seeing someone and going on dates too, it doesn't mean he's not interested in you; it could just be that as nothing came of your night together before, he may feel that it's you that's not interested.

LegacyUser

magicmushroom wrote: »

When you spent a night with him before, how did that come about?

Was there drink involved, did it come from one of you admitting feelings for the other etc...
When you agreed that it was just a once-off and nothing serious, was it him that initiated this or you?

Just trying to get a picture of how it happened as it might give more of an indication as to how he feels about you.

If he is seeing someone and going on dates too, it doesn't mean he's not interested in you; it could just be that as nothing came of your night together before, he may feel that it's you that's not interested.

We sort of planned to spend the night together before I left, as we both realised we were physically attracted to each other, rather than admitting feelings for each other. So it wasn't just a drunken thing one night. I was the one who said I wasn't interested in anything serious as I knew I would be going overseas with work, and also I thought that is what he wanted to hear. I know that was stupid of me. He agreed though that this wasn't anything serious.

I guess it's the casual relationship thing with someone else that is a big barrier to me declaring my feelings for him. He obviously has something with this girl so can't be as into me as I am into him. As hard as it is to do, I reckon that the others on here are right, that I should try and stay away from him as much as I can.

HelgaWard

I think you should just talk to the man!! You are second guessing. Just be honest and say I have feelings for you, would you be interested in more than just friends. Let him know you are not interested in sharing him with other people. If ye can't have an honest conversation, a relationship would never work anyway.

GaGa21

Think how you would feel if his casual relationship turned into a serious one, into an engagement and into a marriage with kids. How would you feel about your friendship then? It would change, even from his side, so you may aswell do it now before you are hurt more by it. Let him know how you feel, tell him you want more and if he doesn't, that you no longer want to socialise or have a friendship outside your club. When you meet someone else (which you will) then you may feel more comfortable having a friendship again. Be strong!

beertons

Tell him how you feel. You never know, he might be thinking the same as you. I was friends with my wife 5 years, before we had a chat like that. Even at that, we were afraid we'd lose our friendship if things turned sour.

magicmushroom

I would tell him how you feel.

Because what harm can come of it - you're already willing to stop seeing him so what do you have to lose?

HiGlo

Friendship with feelings involved isn't sustainable (imo)...
If you have feelings for him but say nothing to maintain the friendship, you will spend the short term sitting on the sidelines and watching as he meets women - or a woman he really likes - and perhaps develops into a relationship with someone. (not always the case, but I believe a lot of newer developed mixed gender friendships drift apart when a relationship starts). How will you feel about this? Will you be ok with it? Will you start to feel uncomfortable in the friendship?

If you let him know that you are not comfortable continuing the friendship cause you've realised that you are interested in more, you give him the chance to tell you he feels the same, or to walk away graciously and save you being a bystander in his romantic life.

I am, like the other poster above, a strong believer in if the guy is interested in you, you'll know it. He was in a position to progress things with you, but he didn't, he chose to pursue other women.