Mother of my child wants me to only see her one weekend day a month

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
This has only come up now and I want to ask for advice so that I go about things the right way here should this become an issue.

To give a bit of background, my 4 yr old daughter's mum and I (let's call her Karen) broke up before my daughter was born. While there have been some tough spots, overall it's been good - we've been good friends, even great friends at times.

I have done everything I can for my daughter and her mum. I am self employed so I'm flexible with hours - any and every time I was asked to be there I was there. Whether it was to take my daughter at short notice, pick her up, drop her off, bring her from A to B even if she wasn't with me that night, etc, I was there. She stays with me 3 nights a week, and we have a great relationship. Our entire schedule has been based around Karen's for the last almost 5 years, because what she does has zero flexibility and her timetable dictates when and where she must be. Nonetheless I have committed myself to doing everything I can to help her, even though it can be tough when I'm trying to grow my business.

The 3 of us would have always done something on the weekends, go for a long walk together or whatever. Since the new year Karen and I have not been getting on. After a few weekends in a row of Karen saying she wanted to spend time alone with our daughter I saw a pattern, and eventually said that since we're not spending time together as a group that I'd like a set and regular weekend day so that I can do something with my daughter other than ship her from A to B. Picking her up from creche, driving her home, feeding her and putting her to bed is not the same as being able to bring her out and do something fun with her for the day.

I proposed that I would keep her every 2nd Saturday for the day (she usually stays with me on Friday nights) rather than dropping her off in the morning. Karen has now come back to say that she thinks this is too much and that she would like it to be one Saturday a month.

I am seriously pissed off and hurt by this. After 5 years of being there, I'm now offered 12 days a year to see my daughter. It's insane. And Karen thinks that it's selfish of me to want to see her more, because I'm thinking of what I want rather than what's best for my daughter.

I'm afraid that things might turn ugly, and I'm hoping for some guidance here. I don't want to say something I'll regret, or worsen the situation.

Thanks for reading

StripedBoxers

Get legal advice.

Hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

You can't afford to let things turn ugly. The only person who will suffer will be your daughter. Realistically, in the next year or two, you won't even have to push for more access/contact- your daughter will be requesting it herself. Much harder to say no to a child.
More importantly, what's changed in Karens' life to change the status quo? Has she met someone else, or does she want to? Is she developing feelings for you? Does she feel distant from your daughter, that your bond is stronger? Something is afoot. You need to find out exactly what, calmly and rationally. Only ten can you know what the real issue here is.

LegacyUser

Another possibility- she may want to "test the waters" on the Saturday commitment, before it's set in stone & doesn't work out. What's to sat in a couple of months time, she won't be saying to you, actually would you mind if we did split the Saturday rota 50/50? Play it by ear.
By all means, get legal advice to have it as backup. But to Karen, suggest a councillor for you as a family before you suggest a solicitor!

FortySeven

Get legal advice. You need to start keeping anything that could prove you have been active in your child's life. I would start by getting letters from creches, schools etc stating you were active. Be prepared for lies, hatred, selfishness and downright skullduggery.

This may not be the case but unfortunately it often is so it is best to be prepared for the worst.

A court will give you regular access. More regular than she is offering but if she wants to stop you then be prepared to fight your corner.

Do not try to be conciliatory. You have rights, avail of them. Trying to be nice does not work. It is not access to your child you are fighting for. You are a man. A second class citizen in family court. You are fighting for your daughters right to access to her father. Subtle but a huge difference in terms of terminology.

Best of luck. Get legal advice.

LegacyUser

sxvbnb wrote: »

You can't afford to let things turn ugly. The only person who will suffer will be your daughter. Realistically, in the next year or two, you won't even have to push for more access/contact- your daughter will be requesting it herself. Much harder to say no to a child.
More importantly, what's changed in Karens' life to change the status quo? Has she met someone else, or does she want to? Is she developing feelings for you? Does she feel distant from your daughter, that your bond is stronger? Something is afoot. You need to find out exactly what, calmly and rationally. Only ten can you know what the real issue here is.

I don't know what is at the root of it, but the chances of me finding that out are slim - Karen is by nature very private and not forthcoming in any way as regards anything emotional.

To guess at it from Karen's perspective I believe she feels that because our daughter doesn't see her much during the week it's affecting her negatively, so she wants to offset that by seeing her as much as she can on the weekend.

I believe Karen is primarily motivated here by the wellbeing of our daughter and anything else (including how often I see her) is secondary, if not entirely inconsequential, to following a schedule/process that adheres to what she herself believes is what's best for our daughter.

LegacyUser

Just to ask a technical question here in relation to the advice on engaging a solicitor and going down the route of the courts - given that I already see her 3 days a week when she stays over with me could this be seen as (or argued as) plenty of access, or does the court differentiate between midweek and weekend access?

Thanks

Knine

That is disgraceful & I say that as a single mother. What I suggest is that you send her a registered letter asking for the hours you would like. Suggest mediation. Be reasonable but asking for some weekend time is very reasonable imo. Give her some time to respond.

If she does not agree then apply through the family courts. If you are not a guardian, apply for this also to be heard the same day. In spite of what people who have never been to court think, judges will actually listen to you the father. You can represent yourself in court. I have - many times. Save your money for days out with your daughter. Good Luck!

midweekdad

midweekdad wrote: »

I proposed that I would keep her every 2nd Saturday for the day (she usually stays with me on Friday nights) rather than dropping her off in the morning. Karen has now come back to say that she thinks this is too much and that she would like it to be one Saturday a month.

You are entitled to joint custody of your daughter, technically 50% of her time should be with you. And Karen is "offering" you one day a month.

Point this out to her, there is a happy medium and she's nowhere near it. Depriving her daughter of quality time with a loving father is absolutely not in her child's best interest.

I have to say though, if she's being this unreasonable at this early stage, it is very possible things will get worse and I would strongly advise you to start the legal process of joint custody, even if you don't mention it to her yet.

CaraMay

That's awful op. There are so many dads who just bail on kids and it's annoys me so much when I hear of dads who want to participate be excluded. As the others have said, get legal advice and tie down access and maintenance. The more your daughter is with you the less you pay over.

zoobizoo

Yep - get legal advice.

A parent can't arbitrarily take that kinds of decision.

Get a legally binding agreement in place and this type of behaviour will cease.

Things might get ugly for a while - but it's in your and your child's interest to get it sorted as soon as you can through legal channels.

ChampagnePop

Does she want to remove your mid week access too? It's unclear from the OP, is the issue just weekend access MidweekDad?

LegacyUser

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Does she want to remove your mid week access too? It's unclear from the OP, is the issue just weekend access MidweekDad?

Sorry, the issue is just weekend access. She entirely depends on me taking her during the week so that she can be where she needs to be. Our schedule changes according to her schedule and I've never refused to accommodate her preferences with same.

BUBBLES1978

you sound like you have been an absolutely amazing dad to your little girl. i would seek legal advice and if you have not already seek guardianship of your daughter

try maybe to have it out with her in an amicable way first as regards how much time you want to spend with her, if you get nowhere with her, i suggest you get a solicitor

you have done everything for you little daughter and what she is doing is not fair..act now rather than later..best of luck with it

JustAThought

+ 1 sounds like you've absolutely been a great dad to you little daughter - I wonder what's changed with your friendship with Karen & what triggered it? New years blues? Did something happen at Christmas? Is she seeing someone now romantically & want to build a future with him without your friendship? Regardless you've not been a parachute dad just dropping in occasionally & if you want to continue being important and having a say in your little childs life you need to talk to 'karen' & find out why things have changed .you need her onside for this to work & to understand why thus sudden off-friendship & why the restriction on access to your child now . I wouldn't start with lawyers or guardianship - a meeting to discuss & have someone take the child to the playground while you do it so that she can't see her parents upset & arguing.

You sound like long term friends & as thou it might really gave worked as a family between you all. Does she not want this or whats up there? 5 years as good or great friends & a child - was 'marriage' not an option? Maybe this is what's up & she wants to build a future or the 'option' to do so?

LegacyUser

midweekdad wrote: »

Picking her up from creche, driving her home, feeding her and putting her to bed is not the same as being able to bring her out and do something fun with her for the day.

Hi OP, I understand this is an emotive issue and lots of people will have personal tales of woe in similar situation but lets take a breath first.

You say the three of you have spent the weekends doing things together as a family unit for want of a better word but your not a "family" your co-parents which might seem like nit picking to some but there is a difference. It may be a case she's been feeling like you say above that doing the day to day feeding, clothing etc is not the same as spending time together and your daughter has now reached an age were she is really starting to become a person rather then just a baby/toddler. Your ex may now feel uncomfortable spending weekends like your a family, she wants weekend time just the two of them which is fine BUT she shouldn't get to just decide this on her own and control your access to your child.

First I do think it's good advice to make sure you've got proof of the amount of invovlement you have in your childs life, I wouldn't make it super obvious that your "collecting evidence" but just gather it as it can't hurt to have it if you need it. Do get legal advice, that also is something that doesn't hurt to have a knowledge of but before going straight to the court try and sit down and talk like adults. I know kneejerk reaction from many is how dare she try this and you should fight fire with fire etc etc but lets keep the main focus on what's best for your child and that's having parents that can talk to each other.

Have a sit down somewhere quite just the two of you and just be straight forward. You are both parents you should both get input into your child's life, be willing to give her her alone time with the daughter with you getting the same. It's great to try for 50/50 share of weekends but the reality is there will be family weddings, birthdays, events, holidays etc etc that can impact. Also as she's getting older she will start weekend activities like sports, dance, art etc etc so talk to your ex about how that is going to be handled, it can't be a situation were you both claim x number of weekends and control everything your child does for "your time" Highlight this to your Ex, this isn't something you can set in stone, it will be an ever changing flexible arrangment that should suit firstly your child and then both of you.

Tell her you are willing to go down the legal route and exhuast every avenue to make sure you are in your childs life as much as possible but you would prefer to sort this between the two of you for your childs sake. If she digs her heels then your left with no choice but to go the legal route.

groovyg

Op did you post about this before because your post looks familiar ? Is Karen suggesting you go from seeing your daughter 3 days a week to now 1 day a month. You said everything about the arrangement has been on her terms and because you are self employed its allowed you to be flexible around those arrangements, why is she changing the goalposts now? Has she met somebody else? If she's not willing to discuss this then time to get a lawyer and get a formal arrangement in place where you both share custody.

ChampagnePop

groovyg wrote: »

Op did you post about this before because your post looks familiar ? Is Karen suggesting you go from seeing your daughter 3 days a week to now 1 day a month. You said everything about the arrangement has been on her terms and because you are self employed its allowed you to be flexible around those arrangements, why is she changing the goalposts now? Has she met somebody else? If she's not willing to discuss this then time to get a lawyer and get a formal arrangement in place where you both share custody.

No, she only wants to change the weekend access, not the mid week access, he'd still have that.

LegacyUser

Ok OP, now that you've clarified I have to say I think she's not being unreasonable.

I think rather than cut back on your time with your daughter she just wants to cut back on the family time that you are spending together. This could be for any number of reasons. It's awkward? Confusing her? Confusing your daughter? Would like to spend quality weekend time with her daughter just the 2 of them? She's met someone else and would like to include him in her days out with your daughter?

It might be very difficult for both of you to move on if you are still playing happy families together at the weekend.

I know couples who have shared the access in such a way that each parent gets one full weekend a month with their children. Say Wk 1 & 2 Dad has Friday night, Mam has Saturday night. Wk 3 Dad has full weekend. Wk 4 Mam has full weekend. It is fair on everyone because one person doesn't have to always do all the Mon-Fri rushing around while the other parent always gets the relaxed fun weekends.

I think you need to sit down and come up with a plan that suits you both, and your daughter. But I do think she deserves some quality time with just her and your daughter... As do you.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for all the replies. Sorry for the confusion, I can see how the title and post could be misinterpreted and there was a delay with my anon posts showing where I was replying!

To clarify, Karen wants me to continue to take her midweek but only one weekend day a month. She thinks that seeing her the 3 days midweek is enough. I don't think this is right, our entire schedule is based around Karen's, and it suits Karen for me to have her those 3 midweek nights - but I don't think it's fair that because I have her those 3 midweek nights I only have her 1 weekend day a month and she gets 7 weekend days a month. I'd much rather have her even 1 less night during the week and spend more time with her at the weekend, but Karen needs me to take her those 3 nights during the week.

I don't really know why Karen has suddenly turned against me so much. I've said to Karen several times that we need to talk about everything, however she's very private and by her own admission, emotionless. She said she never, ever thinks about me, and she basically doesn't care how I feel providing our daughter is okay. I've kept my distance, been very patient, I've let some ****ty things she's done and said slide, etc. Also to say that I'm not a walkover, I stand up for myself and assert myself, and Karen knows this, and certainly so when she's crossed the line once or twice before.

Up until yesterday I trusted Karen to never go so far as to put us in to a position that the legal route would be a possibility. I thought that whatever happened she'd be decent enough to be fair. However now I'm not sure about this, and that's what's the most depressing.

A couple of months ago I suggested that we go to counselling. After my OP last night I asked her to meet up to discuss the issue, and to my relief (and surprise) she brought up the counselling idea. Fingers crossed it happens.

midweekdad

midweekdad wrote: »

I am self employed so I'm flexible with hours - any and every time I was asked to be there I was there. Whether it was to take my daughter at short notice, pick her up, drop her off, bring her from A to B even if she wasn't with me that night, etc, I was there. She stays with me 3 nights a week, and we have a great relationship. Our entire schedule has been based around Karen's for the last almost 5 years, because what she does has zero flexibility and her timetable dictates when and where she must be.

midweekdad wrote: »

I don't think this is right, our entire schedule is based around Karen's, and it suits Karen for me to have her those 3 midweek nights - but I don't think it's fair that because I have her those 3 midweek nights I only have her 1 weekend day a month and she gets 7 weekend days a month.

How come you were flexible before but can't be now? What's the big deal with Saturday & Sunday if your weekend days can be any day of the week because you're self employed?

midweekdad wrote: »

I don't really know why Karen has suddenly turned against me so much. I've said to Karen several times that we need to talk about everything, however she's very private and by her own admission, emotionless. She said she never, ever thinks about me, and she basically doesn't care how I feel providing our daughter is okay.

And your problem with this is what? It sounds to me like Karen is trying to set up some boundaries and distance herself from you and that's not going down well with you.

midweekdad wrote: »

A couple of months ago I suggested that we go to counselling. After my OP last night I asked her to meet up to discuss the issue, and to my relief (and surprise) she brought up the counselling idea. Fingers crossed it happens.

Counselling? Why on earth did you suggest that? That's what couples do! You and Karen have a responsibility towards your daughter, you have no responsibility towards each other. I wouldn't be surprised if Karen is now suggesting counselling in order to clarify these boundaries with you.

Honestly OP, it sounds like you still have feelings for her and are hurt that she doesn't want to play happy families anymore. Which I totally understand, but you need to think about why you're reacting this way ... is it about your daughter, or is it about Karen?

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

How come you were flexible before but can't be now? What's the big deal with Saturday & Sunday if your weekend days can be any day of the week because you're self employed?

As someone whose self employed I know that doesn't mean you can just set your own hours as you like. It allows you more flexibilty to a point that is true but the reality is suppliers and clients usually keep standard office hours and that locks you in to keeping those as well a lot of the time. Also the child isn't self-employed she's four so either has started or will be starting school soon which takes away a big chunk of the day. I do think the OP has a right to ask for a more even split of the weekends, as the child gets older there will lots of other things that will impact as well like sports/activities, holidays, birthdays, weddings, family events etc etc Him and Karen need to be able to keep communication open between them in order to make adjustments around their child.

Deleted User wrote: »

It sounds to me like Karen is trying to set up some boundaries and distance herself from you and that's not going down well with you.

+ 1 I agree OP, it sounds like Karen has started to feel uncomfortable with the "family" activities at the weekends and is pushing back. Granted she should have been direct about it but people are rarely logical and usually more emotinal in their reactions.

Deleted User wrote: »

Counselling? Why on earth did you suggest that? That's what couples do! You and Karen have a responsibility towards your daughter, you have no responsibility towards each other. I wouldn't be surprised if Karen is now suggesting counselling in order to clarify these boundaries with you.

+1 times 100 Why did you suggest counselling?? I could understand maybe looking at outside mediation to help sort out the access but counselling is not something ex's do. Your not a couple, not matter how much family activities you do together with your child. Because of the child you will always be in each others lives, thats not going to change but you are not a family unit. You need to focus on building your relationship with your child and keeping your relationship with Karen civil so you can deal with the ever changing face of child rearing.

Keane2baMused

The OP didn't suggest the counselling, his ex did.

OP I think rather than counselling you need mediation to discuss visitation . This can then be signed off on and if it's not stuck to the court route is the next step.

LegacyUser

You don't have to be a couple to go to counselling. Counselling can help you both communicate better with each other. It can help you both draw up agreements that suit everyone. It can help you to become better parents without being a family unit. But, you both need to be on the same page. Karen doesn't want a relationship with you. Of any sort. She doesn't want every weekend taken up with "family" days out when you are not a family. Especially if, as you say, you are now fighting a bit more. That's not going to be a fun day out for anyone.

I do get the impression that you feel more for Karen than she feels for you. I don't know why you'd be upset that she doesn't think about you. You are the father of her child. That is the only context she thinks of you. Do you think about her? What do you think about her?

Is there a chance you still hold a candle for her? Are you finding it difficult to move on from your relationship? Maybe Karen is sensing this and that is why she is trying to make new rules.

I know what you are trying to say about taking your daughter to suit around Karen's work.. But that's what most parents do. As a single dad you could take the minimum access given to you, or you could work with Karen to find an arrangement that suits you both. The doors of communication and compromise have been opened now. Now it's up to both of you to come up with something you are both happy with. You need to separate your daughter from Karen in your head though. And maybe separate yourself from Karen too...

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

I disagree that counselling is only something that couples should do. Counselling is something that families do, and whether we're together or not we're still part of our daughter's family. Even if we're in absolute agreement on the logistics surrounding our daughter, it is in our daughter's interests for her parents to have respect and a healthy relationship towards one another rather than a prevailing tone of bitterness resentment and anger. Kids pick up on that stuff, and if there's a healthy core to the co-parenting relationship it makes everything else a lot easier.

I hope this doesn't sound unappreciative or disrespectful to the input everyone has given, but there's often a lot more complexity to a situation than what can come across in a thread/post. Our relationship is complicated and who knows what'll happen in the future, but whatever happens we both have our daughter's interest as paramount.

Kidchameleon

OP you'd be nuts to rock the boat about this, you see plenty of your child. Try to get it to two weekend days a month, I'm sure "Karen" will agree. If you start messing around you will ruin the harmony you guys have. Sounds like the mother wants her own space, and that's fine, you've got to suck it up and deal with it.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

How come you were flexible before but can't be now? What's the big deal with Saturday & Sunday if your weekend days can be any day of the week because you're self employed?
?

I think his point was that he does the everyday things on weekdays, pick up daughter, dinner, bed.
He will miss out on a full day, where they can do fun things, because the mother only wants him to take the daughter one Saturday a month.
It appears weekdays are non negotiable because the mother needs him to take the daughter.

Keane2baMused

Keane2baMused wrote: »

The OP didn't suggest the counselling, his ex did.

OP says:

midweekdad wrote: »

A couple of months ago I suggested that we go to counselling. After my OP last night I asked her to meet up to discuss the issue, and to my relief (and surprise) she brought up the counselling idea. Fingers crossed it happens.

can't log in wrote: »

As someone whose self employed I know that doesn't mean you can just set your own hours as you like. It allows you more flexibilty to a point that is true but the reality is suppliers and clients usually keep standard office hours and that locks you in to keeping those as well a lot of the time. Also the child isn't self-employed she's four so either has started or will be starting school soon which takes away a big chunk of the day. I do think the OP has a right to ask for a more even split of the weekends

I agree with you in principle, I'm just trying to tease out the background to this and wondering why it only appears to be a problem now that Karen has grown distant.

As far as I can make out the OP has his daughter three nights midweek, practically every Friday night and wants to have her all day Saturday twice a month.

So, assuming Karen's inflexible schedule is 9-5 (which it may not be), she really only sees her daughter at the weekends.

Which isn't his fault either but doesn't make her as unreasonable as I first supposed.

bubblypop wrote: »

I think his point was that he does the everyday things on weekdays, pick up daughter, dinner, bed.
He will miss out on a full day, where they can do fun things, because the mother only wants him to take the daughter one Saturday a month.
It appears weekdays are non negotiable because the mother needs him to take the daughter.

I'm not sure why the daughter has to go to crèche if he's not working. Not everyone works Monday to Friday ... Saturday and Sunday aren't the only days when they can do fun things.

bubblypop wrote: »

It appears weekdays are non negotiable because the mother needs him to take the daughter.

If weekdays are non-negotiable (which they are not, the OP has flexibility) it's because his daughter needs him.

Definitely a more formal arrangement needs to be put in place which is fair to both parents and the most beneficial for their daughter, but I suspect that isn't really the OP's issue.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP says:
I'm not sure why the daughter has to go to crèche if he's not working. Not everyone works Monday to Friday ... Saturday and Sunday aren't the only days when they can do fun things.



If weekdays are non-negotiable (which they are not, the OP has flexibility) it's because his daughter needs him.

Definitely a more formal arrangement needs to be put in place which is fair to both parents and the most beneficial for their daughter, but I suspect that isn't really the OP's issue.

But he does work.
Maybe she is in school? And if she isn't, she probably will be by September.
I believe weekdays are non negotiable because the child's mother needs him to take the daughter.
I can understand him, if he has some weekdays, and the mother has some weekdays, why should she get all weekend? 3 out of 4 is a lot.

I think it could definitely impact the daughter too, they seem to have done well by her so far.

arayess

having been through this myself and more I'd advise to get legal advise.
overall the most important is to get a family law solicitor none of those multi-disciplined solicitor.
It's you and your kid you need a master of that trade not a jack of all trade.


As a level of comfort to you I will say this from experience.
Say no to your ex.
The court will see that for 5 years you have had this access and will (unless something major happened) seek to maintain this to keep your childs life as stable as possible in the manner she has grown up with.
obvisuoly within reason etc...

my own thoughts (based on my experience) is that in court she won't have a leg to stand on.
Although I must warn you - agree to nothing that is not in your interest no matter what emotional stuff is thrown at you.
If you can't agree , take it to the judge you have child's last 5 years as a routine to fall back on which is a fairly big argument in your favour.
so play hardball for your rights.

LegacyUser

[quote="midweekdad;99321499"I've said to Karen several times that we need to talk about everything, however she's very private and by her own admission, emotionless. She said she never, ever thinks about me, and she basically doesn't care how I feel providing our daughter is okay.[/quote]

midweekdad wrote: »

Our relationship is complicated and who knows what'll happen in the future

OP, I mean this in the kindest way possible but I don't think your relationship is complicated. I think if it is, then you are the one complicating things. I think Karen has made it very clear where the relationship stands in her eyes. You split up 5 years ago. You have been friendly in that time for the sake of your daughter. You have had an amicable relationship and this has worked for both of you. But from your posts I do get the impression that you are waiting around hoping for more. And I don't think Karen can offer you that. If you didn't have a daughter together I think you would have zero contact with Karen. I know you are saying counselling can help you as a family, but I get the impression that in the back of your mind you hope counselling will help you as a couple? Maybe I'm wrong and all we know of your relationship over the past 5 years is a few lines. But from what you have said I don't get see that Karen wants a romantic relationship from you, but I feel like you would be happy to get back with her.

The access you have at the moment isn't working and needs to be changed. Karen offering you 1 weekend day a month isn't fair, so of course you shouldn't agree to that. But you are going to have to lose some of your weekend days because Karen no longer sees a future in you all going out together every weekend. The midweek access should be ignored for the moment and separated from the weekend time. Midweek is what it is for various reasons. It's not Karen's fault that her work hours are the way they are, but it's not yours either. So you shouldn't be penalised at the weekends just because of Karen's working week.

Before going the legal route (which takes it out of both your hands and lets a 3rd party decide when you both see your daughter) you and Karen should try come to an agreement. There might be arguments and disagreement at first but let the dust settle for a day or 2 to give yourselves time to think things through and then go back again with revised ideas. You're unlikeky to come up with a concrete plan at the first sitting, but if you both remain reasonable then you'll work something out.

I think you need to let Karen go, though.

JustAThought

+1 to all that above.

You 've probably read the piece in the Irish Times this week about family mediation & how judges when divorces come to them aak if they have been to mediation as a preference first - this can be made legally binding as a contract for a period of set years ( apparently) by both parties signing a statement witnessed by solucitors & can be amended in later years if /when needed. Its based on financial & child access & family arrangements & unlike councelling dosn't have the aim of nurturing a relationship - interesting article & apparently you can get subsidisied access to them as part of the state services - & you don't have to use Accord ones. Didn't know much about them before - might be worth asking free legal about & to see if they recommend a more pro-man one to you. good luck; it sounds like you are a great father - your little daughter is very lucky.