Where do I go from here

LegacyUser

A bit of background first I suppose. And apologies in advance as this will be long. I’m a regular boards user going anonymous for this. I’m 37 years old and feel I’m stuck in a dead-end situation and very lonely and confused at the moment.

I grew up in rural Ireland, the youngest in the family and my brother and sister are much older than me. I was bullied, emotionally, physically and sexually abused by my brother when growing up and also got bullied at school and was a deeply unhappy child who even at ten or twelve years of age I thought about dying and had suicidal thoughts a lot of the time. I did try to talk to my parents at the time but the attitude was I was just too sensitive my brother would leave me alone if I ignored him.

I developed crippling social anxiety in my teen but I still managed to do reasonably well at school and go to college but I never integrated into college life or really mixed with anyone very much and was just a total loner in hindsight although I did try but the occasional nights out I had more often than not ended up with everyone else having a good time whilst I sat alone and ignored drinking in a corner. By my late teens I was also really overweight as I comfort ate sh!tty foods all the time and had started smoking and drinking heavily.

I actually did very well at college and somehow got a decent job in Dublin. But I was still really unhappy, wanting to make friends and meet girls and all the things normal people do but just couldn’t. I didn’t know how to in many ways so evenings after work were spent lying on the sofa with a large bottle of cider and packet of fags for company. After three years I was made redundant when the company was restructured.

I applied for jobs all over the place in all fields and always got interviews but always failed them. I’d just panic and go to pieces. After about a year of unemployment I was lucky I guess in that my cousin’s then husband worked for an English company which was opening an office in Ireland and they offered me a job. That was in 2004 and I’ve been in it ever since. I was never in love with the work I am doing but it was a very easy going company to work for and I was happy enough with work until quite recently but I’ll come to that later.

In other parts of my life were just as big a mess as always and I was still really unhappy and lonely. I just felt so uncomfortable around people and it had got worse over the years, not better. It was difficult for me just to walk into a shop and buy a packet of fags. My absolute low point came when one of my younger cousins invited me to her twenty-first birthday party and I went and I didn’t actually speak to anyone the entire night and I just felt so hopelessly alone in the world. At around this time I also had a cancer scare, although it turned out to be nothing to worry about it in some ways really acted as a wake-up call.

I did try to talk to my GP at that time about my low mood, self-esteem issues etc but he gave me a telling off for wasting his time and charged me forty Euros for the privilege! So that wasn’t very helpful. I went on a fitness kick, stopped drinking started walking a lot and started cycling as my fitness improved and gradually improved my diet. It took another few years but I did eventually manage to stop smoking too. I lost almost five stone and felt considerably better and more confident but still had no friends or social life and didn’t feel a whole lot better mentally. I tried doing evening courses, joining hill walking groups and all the usual things but still couldn’t mix with people.

I just couldn’t take any more and I booked an appointment to see a private counsellor. It was the first time I had ever truly spoken about what I was struggling with and I felt hugely better even after the first session. Many more sessions were to follow and I also started going to yoga and meditation classes and became very good friends with a girl I met doing that. I admit there was romantic interest on my part but I just couldn’t properly ask her out due to a lack of confidence and nothing ever happened between us although she helped me enormously and in particular took me to a dance class she attended. I had never tried to dance ever before and was really sceptical but to my surprise I fell in love in and am still involved in two and a half years later and I go to all the social nights etc and it has been a truly life changing thing for me. Despite struggling with confidence to begin with I discovered I actually have a certain amount of natural ability and my instructor speaks highly of me in that regard.

For the first time ever I have a social life and am meeting and mixing with lots of people and although I still had bad days, for the first time ever I felt increasingly confident in myself and for the first time ever I felt happy and was looking forward to each new day.

Then last summer the company I work for was sold to a new owner and I find the new management completely inept and the blame is always passed on to someone else, often me and my role within the company has changed a lot and the products I’m dealing with are very different and I have had absolutely no training in any of it but am expected to know. I am generally getting the hang of it now but did struggle initially and got many things wrong I admit. Also because I often have to order equipment and services, ever since the takeover, more often than not our accounts with the suppliers used are on hold due to non-payment and I more often than not have the new company owner shouting down the phone at me telling me how useless I am because something hasn’t been delivered on time even though I cannot place the order because the supplier won’t accept it and I am not involved in accounts in any way so the bills not being paid are nothing to do with me. I also have serious issues with a colleague (from the new company) who is really a prat and thinks he’s really important and won’t talk to me directly as he doesn’t talk to junior members of staff so we communicate through someone else even though we are both in technical and I need to liaise with him most days.

It has really hammered my new found confidence and I find myself doubting myself all the time again and I feel so stressed and mentally drained that all the cycling, etc after work that I used to do has all but stopped as I can’t find the energy and I am feeling really fat and unfit again. I also briefly fell of the wagon with drink.

Yes, I know, get another job but I just find the prospect of looking for work scary as I know how useless I am at interviews and I’m not finding many jobs to apply for either. I have done something though in the past few weeks I’ve written a new CV and have applied for a few jobs although I have no idea how that will go but I’ve been out of the job market so long I do find it seriously intimidating. But by writing a CV and starting to look and apply I am doing something at least with this. I do have a concern about references though as I have only ever had two proper jobs, my current job and the one in Dublin. The Dublin company no longer exists so I can’t get a reference from there (I’ve actually tried to track down some of my old managers on Facebook but haven’t had any joy) and I do not feel that the new management of would be very helpful should I ask.

The other thing I struggle with and would like advice on is girls and friendship in general. I know so many people nowadays through all the things I’ve involved myself in (dancing, cycling, I love doing cycling tours and staying in hostels just to meet people and practice my social skills on strangers, I also write poetry and am involved in a writers group and I dabble in classic cars and have ambitions to learn a musical instrument) but I still feel I don’t really have any close friends. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to and share things with and I would like that. My family don’t really speak to me. My brother hasn’t spoken to me in years but that doesn’t bother me. My parents view me as a failure as I’m not married or don’t own my own house and I drive around in what they consider a heap of scrap. My brother of course is the blue-eyed boy as he works so hard and never wastes any money but I’ve chosen fun and experience over a large bank account.

I did have involvement with one girl when I was thirty-one and just starting to get over my problems first time around, we did have sex a few times but I was screwed up and emotionally unavailable although we’ve remained friends and are still in touch by email occasionally she now lives in Austria with a boyfriend but she has always been whom I confide in. Now at thirty-seven I am dreadfully aware of my lack of experience in sexual matters and have a private nightmare that a girl would laugh at my lack of experience.
I actually get on very well with girls and in the past year I have asked a few girls out on dates and have dabbled in online dating without much success. I have actually had two dates now with a girl I really like but I’m not sure where it’s going. I just don’t know anything about dating which makes me feel stupid and pathetic at my age. We get on well and have had fun on the two dates so far but she keeps saying she doesn’t have time for a relationship so I suppose that is the polite version of “I don’t fancy you?” We are in touch online most days in between our dates and still are and I see her in my class once a week anyway but it’s very difficult to meet up as she’s a nurse who works night shifts ( a lot of them as she’s saving for a once in a life time holiday). The fact that she agreed to meet me in the first place and that it seems to have gone pretty well and we’ve got along fine has really boosted my confidence but I still have the concerns about my lack of sexual experience and I just don’t know what I can expect from this particular girl. I would be happy enough to have some sort of brief fling and bit of fun as it would represent huge progress for me but I chickened out of kissing her at the end of our last date! I just don’t know how to read signals or whether or not it would be appropriate. I would need to be more confident I guess and braver but I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing!!!

I would appreciate any advice on job hunting and on dating for the inexperienced and shy. I do worry I don’t have much life skills to offer either a potential employer or potential girlfriend. I see how other guys can approach girls in pubs or whatever and have all the smooth talk and flirt in a way I just can’t. I’m too shy and not sure I really know how to flirt anyway and don’t know how to read signals or tell the difference between someone who likes me or is merely being friendly. I suppose I will always be at a disadvantage against the guys who have all the smooth chat and can approach random girls on nights out but I don’t want a one night stand anyway. I would prefer something a bit more meaningful but am just aware that I struggle and am aware of my lack of sexual experience.

The work thing I will probably sort in time but I do lie in bed alone at night and feel really down about my prospects of having a girlfriend and worry I will be alone forever.

zoobizoo

Dude,

You have come such a long way from where you were. For that you must congratulate yourself. Well done!

Are you still seeing a counsellor?

Get on line and just start dating - meet women with the intention of seeing how it goes and don't judge yourself harshly if it isn't a complete success.

You have developed amazing strategies to get where you are now - you just need to bring these strategies into your relationships

Keane2baMused

Op not to single this part out but have you talked to anyone about what happened with your brother in the past? Have you confronted him over it?

Depending on his age at the time it could be considered a child protection issue even now.

I'm so sorry you have been through all this but you need to applaud yourself for how far you have come. Life can be wonderful and it can all happen for you if you can open up to it.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies.

I'm not currently seeing a counsellor. In my last session (about 18months ago), she suggested that I was well on my way to recovery and if I kept doing what I'm doing now it would all fall into place. Sometimes I feel things are falling into place, other times I think not but I guess I have always had a tendency to overthink things instead of just relaxing and going with the flow.

I realise I have always been a "doing" person too and get frustrated and feel I should be doing something to help things along if something's not progressing as I'd like.

I have spoken to my counsellor about my brother. He would have been about 15 at the time.

I do have a pretty full social life these day, and none of it revolves around going to get drunk and I meet many girls. I don't think opportunity to meet girls is a problem. the problem is I don't feel I am doing all I could - partly a lack of confidence, partly simply not knowing how to make something happen if I'm interested in someone and I never trust my own judgement in whether or not someone likes me so am reluctant to make any kind of move in case I've got it wrong.

With regards to the girl I've had a few dates with recently, I did genuinely feel there was something there and for the first time ever I felt confident in asking a girl out simply because I felt she was interested in me and would say yes which she did. I do feel that's gone now although we are still in touch and will see each other again. I just worry I done or said something wrong or she found me boring or something.

LegacyUser

The other thing is that I am painfully aware and very self conscious of my lack of sexual experience and have a private worry that even if I did get together with a girl she'd laugh at me or not want to stay with me because of this.

zoobizoo

lacking direction wrote: »

, partly simply not knowing how to make something happen if I'm interested in someone and I never trust my own judgement in whether or not someone likes me so am reluctant to make any kind of move in case I've got it wrong.

. I just worry I done or said something wrong or she found me boring or something.

The more people you date / go out with, the more you will trust your judgement and will be able to recognise if it was you / her or the two of you.

As for lack of experience, no one is going to laugh at you. Some people want experienced people, others might want someone who they know hasn't slept around.

You judge yourself more harshly than anyone else would

celligraphy

Poor you op my heart goes out to you , the only failure you have in your life is your family . I'm disgusted at your brothers hedonistic actions and your parents lack of empathy .... You have done so well for yourself start taking to women online ,get yourself self esteem classes and books

LegacyUser

Just to clarify I am not currently using dating websites. I tried in the past but always seemed to get messed around and arrange dates that the girl would cancel at the last possible moment.

The girl I am currently trying to date I met at my dance class.

I have an active enough life now and meet plenty of girls but just feel there are probably opportunities I don't take or more specifically don't know how to take.

irishgirl19

Op I am so sorry you have had to go through this.
You say your own counsellor suggested maybe you didn't need anymore sessions(at least thats how I picked it up) if you feel unhappy and this is holding you back in life then maybe its time to go back to her or fine another counsellor.
The right person won't care about your sexual experience. As another poster said theres a lot of women who woul be happy to be with someone they know hasn't slept around.
Best of luck I hope things pick up for you soon

LegacyUser

if you feel unhappy and this is holding you back in life then maybe its time to go back to her or fine another counsellor.

As another boardsie who (same as yourself) has gone on a bit of a metamorphosis like you did, all I'll say is that you have made great progress. Don't look back, you are doing great. Counselling is a great fall back, but it looks like you are handling yourself just fine. Good luck man

LegacyUser

Firstly OP, well done, you are living your life now and getting places.

Even though your upbringing was especially bad, very few people have the perfect childhood or great teenage years. Most people are carrying around some deep insecurities within themselves, but you've faced up to yours and have gotten help and made great progress.

Breaking down your current concerns to two issues, a) the job and b) relationships.

Wrt to your job, if you can't stick it out there is always more jobs, especially now that the economy has turned around. Go for interview prep courses, meet recruiters (who will often want to meet you in person, give you advice etc). Join the toastmasters to get used to speaking in front of strangers etc. Remember everyone is insecure when they start out but if you stick with most things you get better at them. Life is too short to spend in a job you are being bullied in.

Wrt to relationships, you don't need to tell her your full history but remember there's loads of people out there who aren't experienced. It's a myth that everyone is off having incredible sex lives. If you like her, and she likes you, just take it as it comes, there's no need to put pressure on yourself.

It looks like you've made huge progress in your life already, just keep on track and you'll get there. Well done and good luck.

intheclouds

lacking direction wrote: »

The other thing is that I am painfully aware and very self conscious of my lack of sexual experience and have a private worry that even if I did get together with a girl she'd laugh at me or not want to stay with me because of this.

This wont happen.

Once you know the mechanics of it - youre as good as the next man. Make no mistake, a willingness to learn what your partner wants and a bit of ambition to try new things in the scratcher and itll all be fine.

I do think you should consider reporting your brother.

On the job front. It can take months for someone with a great CV and bags of confidence to get a job so you have to just be patient, keep looking, keep applying and something will turn up.

LegacyUser

I appreciate people taking the time to reply.

I have now re-written my CV and applied for a job for the first time in many years although there is no guarantee I will get anything back from it.

The company will be coming to see us next week (from England) and I do dread it as I've found him difficult to deal with. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if they close this office down but I don't actually mind too much if I get some sort of redundancy out of it. It could be the kick up the arse I need to try different things.

I decided to try and be pro-active for once too and I messaged the girl I had a few dates with recently and we agreed to meet this weekend. But I'm not really sure where this is going or how to try and progress it to where I want it to be. I don't want to end up being friendzoned but don't know how to steer it in the desired direction. Obviously if she isn't into me, I can't help that and can live with it but I do really like her and don't want to feel I missed an opportunity through stupidity or being too cautious.

Lavinia

Hi OP. I've read your story carefully and TBH I am impressed how far you managed to get.
In relation to girl you like, I'd say best way is to be open and let her know your thoughts and fears, if it was me I'd be honoured that a guy could share those things with me. Of course, that - in case you feel she is interested enough. Do not try to be who you are not, compare yourself to other guys who are "good talkers" or whatever. If the girl is interested for more than a fling she would not be interested in an empty flirting anyway.
You do not need to rush anything. Have few dates and see if you have good time together, just with no expectations whatsoever.
I really wish you all the best. Job-wise and relationship-wise.
Also perhaps make your profile on Linked-In for your career. It is a site that everyone these days looks into in relation to jobs.
Relax and go from there

LegacyUser

As an update, I did have my third date today with the girl.

In many ways it was the most successful so far in terms of being fun and relaxed but I bottled starting a frank discussion about what we both wanted and just let the conversation take it's own course. We have agreed to meet up again but what she wants from this I have no idea.

We did go for a walk afterwards and I did consider trying to hold her hand or maybe trying for a kiss but the opportunity never seemed to arise. She always maintained her personal space and seemed nervous.

I've read all these things about how it's not going anywhere if there is no kiss by the third date and this type of thing so I wonder have I missed the opportunity.

zoobizoo

lacking direction wrote: »

As an update, I did have my third date today with the girl.

In many ways it was the most successful so far in terms of being fun and relaxed but I bottled starting a frank discussion about what we both wanted and just let the conversation take it's own course. We have agreed to meet up again but what she wants from this I have no idea.

We did go for a walk afterwards and I did consider trying to hold her hand or maybe trying for a kiss but the opportunity never seemed to arise. She always maintained her personal space and seemed nervous.

I've read all these things about how it's not going anywhere if there is no kiss by the third date and this type of thing so I wonder have I missed the opportunity.

Maybe next time just go "so do I not get a kiss goodbye?"

The longer you leave it the more awkward it will become. Sounds like she is interested though.

Don't stress whether it's third or fourth or fifth date once she knows that you are interested.

Otherwise she'll be confused.

LegacyUser

The work situation has taken a turn for the worst. The company owner came over from England last week to carry out my appraisal.

It was basically two hours of being shouted at, told how useless I am, how a monkey could do my job, any efforts to put my side across was just told that he didn't care what I thought as it's his company and only his opinion matters.

I accept that there are things that I could improve on and he had one or two valid points but most of what I'm being accused of is outside of my control or stuff I've received no training in whatsoever.

He said he had come over to give me an instant dismissal due to the fact that I'm incompetent but since he's a nice man he'll give me another chance. That was Wednesday. Today a final written warning (I haven't had any others) turned up in the post.

I do intend to seek legal advice and reject this as he has not followed any of the procedures he's supposed to have followed but it has really knocked my confidence and left me on a real low mood situation. I have worked in this company since 2004, never once been late and I think just one sick day in all that time and nobody had ever complained about my work until he took over. Just makes me wonder why I bothered. My colleagues here had similar "appraisals" and final written warnings and we think he wants to close this office here but doesn't want to pay us redundancy so is trying to sack us instead.

I'm 37 after all, and I have no house, no wife or girlfriend ( I am still in touch with the girl mentioned earlier but I don't appear to feature very highly on her list of priorities), no close friends, never been on a foreign holiday and probably no job very soon. Nothing whatsoever to show for my existence in this world. Just a complete failure.