Housemate's boyfriend always around

Lostinspace

So I'm sharing a house in Dublin with two other people. Before I moved in one of them told me that she had a boyfriend, but he was "rarely around" as he lived in another county.

However in the last few months and particularly in the last few weeks he has pretty much moved in. He might be here 5 out of 7 nights. He doesn't pay any rent, doesn't contribute financially towards bills, doesn't clean up, uses electricity, heating, etc...

Her room is next door to me. He snores at night, they have sex all the time and he's up early (6.45am) waking me in the process. It's extremely frustrating because I can hear everything from their room.

So I continue to pay rent and contribute towards water, heat, electricity, TV, broadband, etc. Yet this guy just strolls into the house puts his feet up on the couch as if he owns the place. I came in last night and wanted to watch the football bit they had the lights turned off in the TV room, while they cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, on a TV that I bought.

Sorry if I sound bitter. I probably am because she's annoying the hell out of me. She's able to send me messages telling me that I should clean up more around the house. She was somewhat apologetic before Xmas about her bf staying around so much but since then they don't give a care in the world.

The other housemate is a friend of hers so I can't say anything there. I don't want to move because it's convenient for work and accommodation is hard enough to find in Dublin. There's no sign of her moving out either despite the fact they're going out 2 years.

How do I approach this situation? Am I being unreasonable with my rant? The joys of shared accommodation!

CaraMay

Who owns the house?

Ursus Horribilis

Well, if you don't want to move you've only got two options. Put up with it or have a word. At the moment the pair of them are enjoying the benefits of living together but with the cheap rent. You're going to have to start making life less cushy for them. In other words, plonk yourself in the sitting room and switch the tv channel to the football. Bang on the wall when they're having sex and ask them to keep the noise down. Ask them to clean up. Be careful about asking them for extra money because that might give him legitimacy for being around so often. Do you have friends you can start inviting around a lot too?

KikiDee

Odus fell down wrote: »

You're going to have to start making life less cushy for them

+1 to this!

Why wouldn't he call around and act like it's his place when her housemates are outwardly OK with it? You need to make it known that you're not entirely happy with the situation.

strandroad

He has no right to be there. Once a week maybe, everything else is just taking advantage of how soft you are.

There's in no point in giving any hints, if they are so brazen they will ignore them. Tell them straight away that if he's not gone within a week you tell the landlord: he is an unauthorised i.e. illegal tenant in the house after all.

The only alternative is to move out yourself.

KatW4

I was in this situation too and it got to the point where I didn't want to leave work because I knew he would be there. He ate our food, used our electricity/water/gas and generally walked around like he owned the place. I put up with it and then thankfully I was able to move after a few months.

I'd suggest either saying something to them both or start looking for somewhere else you can move to.

Augme

Even for your own personal development you should speak up rather than turning and running away. You can't go through life avoiding difficult situations, that's not a good way to be. You should learn to stand up for yourself in situations where you are getting walked all over.

Ursus Horribilis

It's too late in the day to mention this now but it's something to keep in mind from now on. You're learning the hard way that these sorts of things need to be nipped in the bud. By rights you should've spoken up about this a long time ago, before the rot set in. People like your housemate will walk all over you if they sense that they can get away with hit.

In short, you are not being unreasonable here. You didn't sign up to share with a couple. Having the boyfriend around almost all the time is absolutely not acceptable. One or two nights at most should be all that he's in the house. If you go talk to your housemate (don't do it while he's around or it'll be two against one), stand your ground. Don't be apologetic or act like you're on the back foot. You have every right to feel aggrieved. Because he's around all the time, he is impinging on your use of the house. Tell her exactly what you've told us. That you can hear everything that goes on through the walls and that it keeps you up at night. That they're not cleaning up, that they're hogging the common areas etc. At this stage you've got nothing to lose.

Detached Retina

Your TV? If I were you I'd find a reason to need it in my room. Passive aggressive maybe, but hey :rolleyes: seriously though, he's getting free board - wonder is he just coasting for the other 2 days with other friends :mad: get onto the LL

SterlingArcher

Invite your pal around you know the one that's like Jim Carey in the cable guy. Make **** awkward. If you don't have the gusto for this crap.

Man up. Hold a meeting with the two housemates. Explain that you respect the unwritten rules of house sharing ie not having girls/guys over every night of the week as it's unfair to the other people in the house.You expect the same respect in return.

Failing that bring a new girl home every second night. Not for regular sex. You want a fifty shades of grey set up. Them moaning loudly caling you master. Buy whip cream unusual amounts. Listen to Phil Collins and huey lewis while you lay in the bath.

You never elaborated on the renting situation. So is hard to give specific advice. best of luck.

topmanamillion

Ridiculous situation. You have to confront it head on or you can't expect it to change.
Sit down your house mate and list out everything you're unhappy about.
Boyfriend over far too much, sex noise (don't pull any punches you've no reason to be embarrassed), commendearing of the TV/common area, untidy etc. You're going to give her a chance to fix HER ISSUE or you're going to the landlord about it.
I lived with 2 lads before (they both knew each other). The place was regularly in a tip (rolling Tabacco spilt on tables, beer bottles, dirty dishes) so I text one of them (didn't have the other fellas number) and said I wasnt happy about the mess. He said he understood, no bother, he'd tidy up.
The other lad (the one I hadn't texted) walked into the kitchen (as I was washing dishes I'd used) and confidently informed me I wasn't his mother (I'm male) .
To which I quickly replied I'm glad as I wouldn't produce anything as useless as him.
He quickly left the kitchen with a red face and his tail between his legs.
I'll admit it wasn't the most adult thing to say but my message was understood loud and clear and cleanliness took a sharp improvement.
I think it's safe to assume you've given up on this girl being your lifetime friend? And you'd be quite happy to keep discussion purely about the business of living together.

Shelga

Don't think I'll ever understand how people can be so incredibly rude and selfish, or alternatively how they can be so willfully oblivious to someone's obvious discomfort.

OP, you need to take positive steps here. No one likes being forced into confrontational situations but there is no alternative. Calmly sit all three of them down, the couple and your other housemate, and explain everything you've said to us here. Don't use emotional language, just keep it short and to the point. He doesn't pay rent- 2 nights a week maximum is what's acceptable. This is rule of thumb stuck to by most house shares I've lived in. Explain how their behaviour is impacting you and use the examples you told us. Maybe they will be embarrassed once they finally get it into their thick heads that this is not how you behave in house shares.

If sitting them down doesn't work, then instigate phase 2 with the loud music when they have sex, barging in on them watching the TV, moving TV to your room etc.

If that doesn't work after a few weeks, look into moving and tell them they are selfish cretins who have just made your life five times harder.

Hopefully it won't come to that. Man I am so done with house shares...

Emme

If it's a shared house and the landlord doesn't live there can you tip off the landlord?

The Randy Riverbeast

Simply tell them that since he has moved in you need to discuss arrangements for rent and bills.

Ursus Horribilis

The Randy Riverbeast wrote: »

Simply tell them that since he has moved in you need to discuss arrangements for rent and bills.

If you go down the road of looking for any money, the boyfriend will become a permanent fixture and you've lost any leverage you might have.

JustAThought

+ 1 to confronting her & telling her it is a houseshare for 3 not 4 & that thou he's a nice guy its not fair or acceptable that he visit for more than one evening a week or one night. Suggest that they take their relationship onto where she wants it to go & look for a place together or that will accept a houseshare with couples - many won't for the reasons given here - or that she spend time at his place .

Tell her straight up the reasons & make sure you have your other flatmate onboard. You shouldn't be considering moving - she is in the wrong & he dosn't have any rights there within your lease/ landlord agreement/PTRB agreement.

I wonder is he paying her either in drink/meals etc to make up & therefore hhinks he has rights? If he damages the place will she pay ghe extra? Or if the landlord decides he's in breach of your contract & keeps your deposit will she stum up for this too? Euther way he dosn't live there - if it comes to it tell him too - are you hanging around here again - you're causing an atmosphere & don't live here can you leave now or go into xx's room - maybe you should get a place with her & pay your own way - this is not where you live : you do live somewhere don't you.,.

If it keeps up cimplain to LL in weiting that x has moved a stranger in without your consent or agreement & that he is rude/noisy/disruptive & most of all unwelcome & ask him to tell her to move him out & that you will not be liable for damages to the property dont be him. That will focus the LL as he will not want a disclaimer on damages against his deposit & will have a big problem in being able to fight for damages if you have notified him in writing ( fiver, registered post) . He will have to sort it out; particularly if you have already spoken to her & she continues with having him over day & night.

For the day he's there heres a few;
No overnight visitors on week nights
No noise by guests
No showers/baths for guests
Guests to not cause inconvenience to leaseholders
Guests to preferably visit in room of person they are visiting.

Emme

Odus fell down wrote: »

If you go down the road of looking for any money, the boyfriend will become a permanent fixture and you've lost any leverage you might have.

He seems to be a permanent fixture as it is and he's not paying anything. Asking for more money might make it less attractive for them to be there.

In the meantime the OP should move the TV to his room. If they want a TV let them buy their own out of the money the bf has saved on rent.

Ursus Horribilis

On the other hand he might just move in. Then what? More of the same plus laundry and himself 7 days a week. They're basically shacked up together now but only paying one third of the rent and bills.

topmanamillion

Emme wrote: »

He seems to be a permanent fixture as it is and he's not paying anything. Asking for more money might make it less attractive for them to be there.

In the meantime the OP should move the TV to his room. If they want a TV let them buy their own out of the money the bf has saved on rent.

Highly disagree with this if he starts paying money it would give him legitimacy in the house.
The OP could find herself in a situation where he's paying a pittance as a "contribution" or even doesn't contribute to the whole and gives his GF a few bob here and there to help with her share as they share her room.
The OP wants to see less of this fella not more!

beks101

She's well able to fire off messages to you about cleaning up so I'd suggest you do the same.

Blunt and to the point, no pussyfooting around. "Hey Sarah, just wondering what's the deal with your boyfriend being in the apartment all the time? I understand you want to spend time with each other, but he's not a tenant so find the current situation unsustainable. Let's talk about it when you're free next." The onus is on her to explain herself and fix the situation; not on you to explain your discomfort. You didn't move in with a couple. He doesn't pay. He has no legal right to be there night and day, end of.

IME I find when you live with a flatmate who has a tendency to do something like this, it's usually the beginning of the end. If they had any respect, integrity and social awareness, they wouldn't put you in this position in the first place. I suspect this will likely result in you getting more and more pissed and eventually moving out. But give the direct approach a stab first.

pgj2015

beks101 wrote: »

She's well able to fire off messages to you about cleaning up so I'd suggest you do the same.

Blunt and to the point, no pussyfooting around. "Hey Sarah, just wondering what's the deal with your boyfriend being in the apartment all the time? I understand you want to spend time with each other, but he's not a tenant so find the current situation unsustainable. Let's talk about it when you're free next." The onus is on her to explain herself and fix the situation; not on you to explain your discomfort. You didn't move in with a couple. He doesn't pay. He has no legal right to be there night and day, end of.

IME I find when you live with a flatmate who has a tendency to do something like this, it's usually the beginning of the end. If they had any respect, integrity and social awareness, they wouldn't put you in this position in the first place. I suspect this will likely result in you getting more and more pissed and eventually moving out. But give the direct approach a stab first.

This is good advice op, I wouldn't send her a message though, say it to her face and you will be taken more seriously.

LegacyUser

A message is best, because if he goes straight to her she may feel he's confronting her and get defensive and it may not go the way he wants, whereas as if he sends her a message in a friendly but direct tone (like beks example above) that gets the issue across she will have time to think about her response and how to handle it properly before he talks to her face to face. She will know they're in the wrong and approaching it in this way they will more likely come to a fair and satisfactory outcome.

Lostinspace

CaraMay wrote: »

Who owns the house?

Hi, the house is owned by a random person. Dealt with through an agency.

Lostinspace

Detached Retina wrote: »

Your TV? If I were you I'd find a reason to need it in my room. Passive aggressive maybe, but hey :rolleyes: seriously though, he's getting free board - wonder is he just coasting for the other 2 days with other friends :mad: get onto the LL

You're possibly right, but not sure will I get TV reception in my room. I have a Chromecast so could stream things I guess. No he does live "at home" down the country, but is working in Dublin most of the time. Doesn't mean he should be spending the majority of his time in our place. Tonight's the first night he's not been here during the week in quite a while.

Ursus Horribilis

I know it's easier said than done but an evening like this evening would've been an ideal opportunity to take your housemate aside. It's not a conversation to have with him around because he'll back her up.

littelady

I would approach the bf to start with. I would simply engage in a conversation with him usual Craic how was ur day blah blah, how's work going? Sure would u not consider moving up permanently, no point paying back home if your up in dub, then direct the convo might b worth asking ur work colleagues if they have a room to share. All in a friendly tone see what he has to say sometimes a nudge in the right direction works.

Lostinspace

Hi all,

Thank you for the responses. I wasn't expecting this volume of replies but I do appreciate all of the advice.

The landlord is a random person. Everything is done through an agency. Rent is going up next month so this might be a good opportunity to raise this issue with her. I'm not going to ask him to contribute because as one person said, I want to see less of him, not more. Maybe if he's around 2 nights max then she'll be more inclined to move out with him (but to be honest I can't see that happening as she's always complaining about having a lack of €€, and she's the main earner apparently).

I've given her some strong dirty looks over the past week and I think that's having an effect. She sent a text on Monday evening last to the house Whatsapp group saying "Hey, my bf [name] is coming over after training (about 11) but as you know I like my sleep [smiley face] so I told him we wouldn't lock the door and he'll do it when he gets in. That OK with ye?" The other housemate replied saying "of course [thumbs up]. I didn't reply. However, I know I need to take responsibility and confront her. I'll do it over the weekend. There's no question of getting the other housemate on board as they're the best of friends. But 1 or 2 nights max is all he should be over (and that includes weekends).

Anyway, i'll confront her this weekend (if he's not around) and I'll see what comes of it. Couldn't do it tonight as Liverpool were playing and couldn't miss that. Also I wan't to do it when the other housemate is not there, as I've a good relationship with her. Thanks again.

taco.cat

Lostinspace wrote: »

I've given her some strong dirty looks over the past week and I think that's having an effect. She sent a text on Monday evening last to the house Whatsapp group saying "Hey, my bf [name] is coming over after training (about 11) but as you know I like my sleep [smiley face] so I told him we wouldn't lock the door and he'll do it when he gets in. That OK with ye?" The other housemate replied saying "of course [thumbs up]. I didn't reply.

Why wouldn't you reply to that?! That's a perfect opportunity to say "No, sorry, I'm not comfortable with that. If you're not going to stay up and open the door, then he'll need to stay somewhere else tonight. And honestly, we need to talk about how often he's here. It's inappropriate. When suits you to discuss boundaries for the future?". You are making life so easy for her. She lives with her boyfriend, her best mate and a total pushover.

Also, I'd definitely let the agency know that she has moved someone in without permission. They're more likely to act than a meek landlord who avoids confrontation or just wants to keep the rent coming in.

Honestly, I feel like it can't bother you that much as you're making excuse after excuse for avoiding the conversation (soccer on tv - seriously?!).

Lostinspace

Lostinspace wrote: »

he does live "at home" down the country, but is working in Dublin most of the time

Does he even HAVE a place to live in Dublin?? It sounds like he's actually moved into your place and (from time to time) goes home at the weekends, definitely a matter for the Agent/Landlord and I agree with Emme, take her to task on it. That's ridiculous!

ManOfMystery

Lostinspace wrote: »

I've given her some strong dirty looks over the past week and I think that's having an effect. She sent a text on Monday evening last to the house Whatsapp group saying "Hey, my bf [name] is coming over after training (about 11) but as you know I like my sleep [smiley face] so I told him we wouldn't lock the door and he'll do it when he gets in. That OK with ye?" The other housemate replied saying "of course [thumbs up]. I didn't reply. However, I know I need to take responsibility and confront her. I'll do it over the weekend. There's no question of getting the other housemate on board as they're the best of friends. But 1 or 2 nights max is all he should be over (and that includes weekends).

The passive-aggressive, ignoring texts, dirty looks & long silences approach will not work. It's not a mature or effective way of dealing with anything in life.

You need to confront this head-on, as many others have said in the thread. What you perceive as sending her a subliminal message relaying your annoyance at the whole situation, is likely perceived as her by you being huffy, or time of month, or whatever. It won't resolve anything so is a waste of time and effort and only pollutes what good airspace there is between you two.

Be clear. Be concise. Talk to her in person, and explain that the situation is not sustainable. It's really that simple. 'Confrontation' is never as bad as you think, in most cases if the other person is in the wrong then they're the ones who will feel uncomfortable about it.

StupidLikeAFox

The word "confront" has an aggressive connotation but it doesn't have to be. Rather than building yourself up for a confrontation, see it as having a mature conversation. You just need to lay out your issues in a neutral tone, stay calm, and see what she comes back with. Seriously, stop the dirty looks and silent treatment - it achieves nothing

She will try probably justify it whatever way she can so try be prepared for some of her arguments - ("we have the space", "the other housemate is fine with it", "we will get him to make a contribution to the rent/bills", "we will tone it down in future", "you have always been fine with it why are you bringing it up now?" etc etc) - just stick to your guns, this is not what you signed up for and its not fair on you.

She may take this as a personal attack btw, there is there is no guarantee she will see it as a rational adult (people eh?). Best case scenario is she agrees to limit the visits. Worst case scenario is that she digs her heels in and says tough ****. In the second instance she is likely to have the other housemate on her side, and you will probably have to get the agency involved. You have a good case though, if I were you I would keep a record of all the visits, just so you can clearly demonstrate the scale of things, in case she comes back with "well its not that often".

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think a Whatsapp group message is the arena to address the issue of the boyfriend staying over all the time. Don't forget the other housemate is her best friend. She's between a rock and a hard place I think. It wouldn't surprise me if she's as annoyed as you are about having this guy around all the time. My guess is that she moved into the house expecting to have girly nights in and girly nights out with her friend. She surely has to be fed up of having him on the floor too, having to listen to them in the room, the pair of them snuggled up in the living room when she'd like flop on the sofa or watch crap on TV. The only difference is, she can't open her mouth or she'll fall out with her friend. If you bring this subject up in a Whatsapp group, she's probably going to come in to bat for her friend, even if she wishes the boyfriend would clear off. I couldn't see that ending in anything other than a row with you outnumbered by the two ladies.

The way I'd tackle it is this. Say "You know when I moved in, you said you had a boyfriend who was rarely around?" Then see how she reacts to that and work from there. Right there, you've got her on the back foot and with little other choice than to explain what has happened.

Confucius say

I really really hate situations like this. Thankfully flatsharing is in the past for me. People are just so ridiculously ignorant and inconsiderate, and they do things like this.
When I was flatsharing I wouldn't dare leave dishes undone or any of my stuff in the shared areas, why would I? It's not my place alone!
I had to put up with this stuff and my solution was to move to a horrible bedsit eventually (lucky enough to have my own house now), but basically you either have to move, or lay down the law and confront them on everything, over and over. These people don't stop having been told once. As Beks said earlier, it's usually the beginning of the end, if they're that unaware of themselves and surroundings, it's a fundamental flaw in their make up, and it's not going to change overnight.
It's really unfair though that you have to bring out the stern confrontational side in yourself but there just isn't any other way.

Rubberchikken

start by talking to your housemate. you need to lay out the facts fair and square.
how would they feel if it was being done to them.

i always think this type of issue gets out of control becauser people, on the whole, are too accommodating at the beginning. maybe they assume things will be fine. Bf/GF will only be over for a few hours/odd night. nothing is said and then housemate + BF/GF assume things are rosy and off they go riding roughshod over others.

i realise it's hard for people to speak up at the start, and even harder as the issue grows but if left it will only get worse.
good luck

Lostinspace

So I confronted my house'mate' earlier in calm fashion. I said to her straight out about him being around so often wasn't on. I said I could hear everything in the room.

She was apologetic and said she wasn't able to see him weekends and that's why he was around so often. I told her one/two nights was OK, but anything more than that wasn't on. She said she wasn't aware that his presence was affecting me but she was glad I said it to her.

I knew at the back of her mind though she was fit to kill me and probably threw the two fingers up at me once I left the room. If there's a murder in South Dublin in the coming weeks, I could well be the victim :-)

We'll see how it goes from now on. She knows how I feel now. Thanks for the advice.

jimmycrackcorm

Lostinspace wrote:

I knew at the back of her mind though she was fit to kill me and probably threw the two fingers up at me once I left the room. If there's a murder in South Dublin in the coming weeks, I could well be the victim :-)

Well done on being assertive. You now have the upper hand so stick to it and don't put up with any nonsense. Of course she will be peeved but that's part and parcel of assertiveness.

strandroad

You're doing well OP! Remember that it's her who has the reason to be embarrassed or ashamed: not only are they freeloading but they lack basic manners. You're handling it in a really mature and responsible way.

Ursus Horribilis

Well done!! Methinks you've taken a lot of the good out of the lurrve nest they'd built for themselves

What would help now is if you make things less cosy for them. Instead of hiding out in your room (if you've been doing that), sit in the living room, sprawl on the sofa and keep your hands on the remote control. If the football's on, make sure you watch it. After all, it is your TV. Even if they're cosied up in the dark, I'd turn the lights on and sit in the room reading a book or something. In other words, become a perfectly pleasant but annoying gooseberry.

frozenfrozen

confront her in front of the boyfriend but get his name wrong and say you can't be having lads stay here 7 days a week.

he'll start to wonder who's there on the 2 days he isnt

Ursus Horribilis

frozenfrozen wrote: »

confront her in front of the boyfriend but get his name wrong and say you can't be having lads stay here 7 days a week.

he'll start to wonder who's there on the 2 days he isnt

Erm....didn't you read the update? OP has spoken to her.

frozenfrozen

Odus fell down wrote: »

Erm....didn't you read the update? OP has spoken to her.

it was a joke. should I have left a hand written note explaining that I'd be telling a joke later on?

Ok let's leave that there ...

OP glad you got sorted, PM a mod if you need this re opened for any further advice