Pass me the silver spoon

LegacyUser

This might sound like the biggest self entitled post ever. Sorry for the length of it.

My mother and father separated years ago. They haven't, and probably won't get divorced. Both of them are hiding money from each other for fear that the other will come after them for it. My dad doesn't want any of my mother's money but she wants his. She's never made a secret of this. She has always claimed through the years that she's entitled to it but when you broach the subject of him being entitled to what she has ignores it.

Anyway around 20 years ago her father died leaving her a plot of land in their home town. During the boom she was offered 2million for it. She declined, because she wanted more money for it. As it stands now it's worth about 150k and decreasing every year because the plots around it are getting planning permission so it's not as highly desirable as it once was.

Her father also paid for the deposit for my parents house when they were buying it 35 years ago. The reason I know this is because she never once let my dad forget it that she owed more of the house because "you didn't contribute to the deposit" even though he was paying the mortgage.

My granny was pushing on in age and was lonely so about 10 years ago and since my mother didn't seem arsed I moved to her home town, got a job and spent my evenings & weekends looking after my granny for 8 years. I always spent my summers as a kid with my granny and I was very close to her. All of my mothers side of the family still live in this area. They never visited my granny in the 8 years I was there. I had to move back home because there was no work and I couldn't afford rent/bills. During this time my granny told me that she wouldn't be leaving anything to me in her will because she wasn't leaving anything to the grandkids. She said as far as she was concerned she didn't know them but knew that they would complain if I was left something and they weren't as they had already caused blue murder when my grandad had died.

My granny said, in front of my mam and myself that she was to give me a portion of the land. Now I know this isn't a legal binding agreement. She explained that she wasn't going to leave me anything in the will for the above reasons but that I should be given something. My mother agreed.

My granny passed away a 2 weeks after I moved. This really hit me hard because my granny had begged me to stay with her. She offered to pay for my rent/bills but I couldn't accept that. The day I left she got into bed and didn't get back up again.

I have never asked my mother for anything until now. I'm trying to buy a house and I'm in desperate need of 10k. I asked my mother and she said she'd give me a loan. A loan. She's sitting on a plot of land worth 150k that she is refusing to sell. Is selling my granny's house which is worth 300k+. Has money hidden away from my dad (upwards of 50k) and won't give me 10k.

I feel so wronged by this and I'm conflicted as to whether I'm right to feel this way or not. I know I'm not entitled to any money from her but I thought she's I'm her only child, and she had her own house deposit paid for her that she would help me out.

Opinions?

Wesser

I think you already know in your heart if you are right or wrong about this. At the end of the day your mother has the right to do whatever she wants with her money.

It's a very long-winded story that you have provided with many side stories attached. It makes me think that you think continuously about this and ruminate and agitate this thought frequently. Regardless of wether or not you are right or wrong, it doesn't matter, you can't make your mother give you money, so all you are achieving is building up resentment and bitterness in your heart against your mother which is not going to serve you well in the longterm
And will likely make you unhappy depressed bitter and miserable.

I understand you are not paying rent / bills to your mother while you live with her? Is this not a gift?

My suggestion is that you let it go and focus on getting a job and building up your money to make your own deposit. It will not take you long if you do not have rent or bills.

Butterface

I won't say it's unfair because it's your mother's money and she can do what she wants with it. However, considering that she has the money to give, it is quite mean. But I guess a lot depends on your relationship with each other, and her own situation with money i.e. sitting on land worth a lot means nothing when you're cash poor.

If I was in your situation I would accept the money as a loan.

LegacyUser

Where did I say I don't pay rent?

I don't live with my mother. I pay for rent in an apartment. I have a really fantastic job already and have 50k of a deposit already saved. I'm just struggling with the last 10k of unforeseen expenses that come with buying a house.

LegacyUser

Realistically, as an only child, you are in line to be the sole beneficiary of your parents' wills; that should be quite a windfall.
What age are you now? What age are your parents? How come you didn't approach your dad for 50% of the €10k?
Maybe your mum is worried that she'll be your go-to person for funds every time you run into difficulty in the future (marriage, kids, ect)

LegacyUser

When I said I moved home I mean moved back to my home city to get a job because there wasn't work available in my field in my granny's home town. I didn't move back into my parents. I moved out when I was 19.

screamer

From what you've written about your mother I wouldn't be beholden to someone like that for a measly 10k. If she constantly reminded your dad about his share of the house she'll do worse to you. Stand on your own two feet OP you'll be better for it in the long run.

LegacyUser

dfgvbb wrote: »

Realistically, as an only child, you are in line to be the sole beneficiary of your parents' wills; that should be quite a windfall.
What age are you now? What age are your parents? How come you didn't approach your dad for 50% of the €10k?
Maybe your mum is worried that she'll be your go-to person for funds every time you run into difficulty in the future (marriage, kids, ect)

I'm 32 now.

I stupidly asked her because the broker had just rang me and I said "crap I need 10k more" while she was standing beside me. Now that she knows I need the extra 10k, and if she finds out I got it she will jump at the opportunity to try get my dad to admit he has money and will demand he show her his bank account. She'll throw her usual "My solicitor will love to hear this" line about. I've been drawn into their stupid game of cat and mouse.

TBH after thinking about it for the day I think it's the last straw with her. I have never asked her for anything. I looked after her mother when she should have when I could have been earning a lot more money and wouldn't be in this situation. I don't resent looking after my granny. I loved her, probably more than my mother and I think she knows this.

Wesser

entitled wrote: »

When I said I moved home I mean moved back to my home city to get a job because there wasn't work available in my field in my granny's home town. I didn't move back into my parents. I moved out when I was 19.

Sure. I understand now. I'm sure you can understand from your op how I erroneously misunderstood you.

My advice still stands. You cannot make your mother give you money. All you can control is your reaction to the circumstances.

Best of luck with everything.

OttoPilot

Tbh I'd probably cut ties with her. People might think it sounds greedy or materialistic but if she's not willing to abide by her elderly mothers dying wishes (no matter how much she dislikes/disagrees with them) then what kind of person is she? How can she expect respect from her own daughter?

Neyite

You know, this probably wasnt a surprise to you deep down if you think about it. Your mother is obsessed with money, and hoarding it, so was always going to be unlikely to lend you the money. And I imagine that if she did, in an uncharacteristic fit of generosity, lend you what you need, you'd never hear the end of it.

She is who she is. Its unfair to you - of course it is. But inheritance can bring out the worst in folk,and its her money to do what she wants with it, unfortunately. If I were you, I'd hold off for another few month to raise the extra money, or if your dad is willing to lend it to you, just tell her that your broker and you went over the figures again and made it work with what you have already.

HelgaWard

I think you should try and not be resentful to your mother. It's her money, it's her choice.

CaraMay

HelgaWard wrote: »

I think you should try and not be resentful to your mother. It's her money, it's her choice.

Agreed but she also sounds quite toxic and I would be keeping my distance from someone like that

LegacyUser

I'm finding it very hard not to resent her. She agreed to give me land or part of it. She passed on the contractor who deals with the upkeep of the lands details to me and I took over the payment of that. It's not a huge amount. Around 1k over the last 3/4 years.

I'm going to ring her today and tell her she can look after this from now on. I don't see why I should be paying for it if I'm not getting anything from it.

SAMTALK

Well she sounds like a wonderful mother/daughter !!

I know someone quite like this whose whole life is dominated by money and how they can get/keep it. Doesnt matter who they have to walk over

You cannot reason with people like this so I would do all I could to sort this yourself and dont be beholden to her.

CaraMay

Entitled wrote: »

I'm finding it very hard not to resent her. She agreed to give me land or part of it. She passed on the contractor who deals with the upkeep of the lands details to me and I took over the payment of that. It's not a huge amount. Around 1k over the last 3/4 years.

I'm going to ring her today and tell her she can look after this from now on. I don't see why I should be paying for it if I'm not getting anything from it.

Omg she's not a very nice person. Sorry op

groovyg

Op you are 32 years old I think it time for you to cut your losses here and not be depending on either of your parents for a lend of money. By the sounds of it you could be waiting until they pass away.
You have to live your life otherwise it will pass you by. Would you not move abroad or move somewhere where you can make money? During the recession a friend of mine lost his job and moved to Saudi for two years, a bit extreme but needs must. I know two others who recently went to Bahrain even though they had jobs here, if you need to save for a mortgage or need a deposit you need to look at other means rather than depending on your parents.
Also with the CB rules in place aside from needing 10% of the deposit you also need to show a record of savings and be in secure job. If your mother did give you the 10 grand there's no guarantee you would get the mortgage.

LegacyUser

groovyg wrote: »

Op you are 32 years old I think it time for you to cut your losses here and not be depending on either of your parents for a lend of money. By the sounds of it you could be waiting until they pass away.
You have to live your life otherwise it will pass you by. Would you not move abroad or move somewhere where you can make money? During the recession a friend of mine lost his job and moved to Saudi for two years, a bit extreme but needs must. I know two others who recently went to Bahrain even though they had jobs here, if you need to save for a mortgage or need a deposit you need to look at other means rather than depending on your parents.
Also with the CB rules in place aside from needing 10% of the deposit you also need to show a record of savings and be in secure job. If your mother did give you the 10 grand there's no guarantee you would get the mortgage.

I already have a fantastic job and earn a decent wage. I am mortgage approved and already in the process of drawing down. I could have been earning this money in the years while I was looking after my granny but I put her before my career.

The 10k is for furniture/appliances etc. The house I was bidding on went for more than I had anticipated and therefore left me somewhat short.

I feel like people think I'm heavily reliant on my parents. They have never given me money. I have never asked for money. I put myself through college working a part time job.

It won't take me a huge amount of time to save up the 10k and I can buy a secondhand bed etc to sort me until I can buy the rest.

My issue is my mother being a bitch and not helping me at all when she was helped out and is in a position to help me.

Wabbit Ears

I got a 'loan' of money from my parents as well. Neither of us were under any illusion it would ever be paid back.

Emme

dfgvbb wrote: »

Realistically, as an only child, you are in line to be the sole beneficiary of your parents' wills; that should be quite a windfall.
What age are you now? What age are your parents? How come you didn't approach your dad for 50% of the €10k?
Maybe your mum is worried that she'll be your go-to person for funds every time you run into difficulty in the future (marriage, kids, ect)

There might be no money left when the OP's parents die. If one or both of them gets ill and needs 24 hour care the OP would not be able to manage everything and they would have to hire help. They might have to get nursing home care and that would involve the Fair Deal scheme.

I would advise the OP to cut ties with her mother and forget about the 10K. She may have to wait for another while before she can buy a place for herself or consider buying elsewhere and commuting. Without being disrespectful to her late grandmother, it sounds like the attitude to money in her mother/late grandmother's family was very toxic and grasping. This is common in rural/farming families often on account of hardship in previous generations. The grandmother wasn't going to leave any money to her grandchildren, not even the one who loved her enough to give up her evenings, weekends and career prospects to care for her. What did it matter if other people wouldn't be satisfied if the grandmother left the OP money or land. What was she going to do - take it with her? Did she know how greedy the OP's mother is? A verbal agreement means nothing when it comes to inheritance.

OP if you are to have any sort of a life for yourself you must cut ties with your mother. Otherwise your mother will use her money to keep you by her side for the rest of her life. She will dangle it over your head like a carrot but you will get little or nothing. If you do get anything, however small, she will remind you of it at every available opportunity and you will be miserable.

You have done well to make your own life under the circumstances. Continue to do it but break free completely from your mother. Could you put more geographical distance between you and your mother and maybe find somewhere cheaper to buy? I don't know what your job is but is there a possibility of emigrating? If you can emigrate this would be the best option. Put as much distance as you can between your family and yourself even for a few years.

Good luck.

Neyite

Entitled wrote: »

I feel like people think I'm heavily reliant on my parents. They have never given me money. I have never asked for money. I put myself through college working a part time job.

It won't take me a huge amount of time to save up the 10k and I can buy a secondhand bed etc to sort me until I can buy the rest.

My issue is my mother being a bitch and not helping me at all when she was helped out and is in a position to help me.

I don't think that. You sound very independent and self sufficient

It's not about money, its about the attitude. You helped her out, to your financial and career detriment, and happily did so, and got nothing in return. So its really about the scales fallling from your eyes and seeing once and for all how selfish and self-serving your mother is.

So let her pay her own way. Stop paying a single penny towards anything she owes on. You have the perfect excuse right now to do that, because you'll be saving hard to furnish your property. Let her hoard it all and remember this as a hard life lesson. If she needed you the way that your grandmother needed help down the line, you'd probably be lovely enough to drop everything to oblige. I hope you though that you'd only give what you can afford to give- financially or emotionally the next time around.

Sunny Dayz

Reading this thread, and especially from the first post, I was thinking in my head - don't get the money from her, she will martyr over you having to lend you the money. If she has behaved this way over her father paying for her house deposit, then if she was to lend you money to buy your house, she might feel a sense of entitlement over your own house, she could have been looking for a copy of the front door key and dictating the colour of paint on the walls.


However from reading further you have the house bought and just require funds to get the house up to scratch. In this case, I wouldn't look for the money from her, she may feel she needs to tell you what to spend it on. What if you have a row and she demands the money back from you and wants to take your sofa and table & chairs?!


OP you have worked hard to buy your house, get some second hand furniture until you can afford to replace it with what you want. And then take a step back and be proud of yourself with what you have achieved yourself!

groovyg

Entitled wrote: »

I already have a fantastic job and earn a decent wage. I am mortgage approved and already in the process of drawing down. I could have been earning this money in the years while I was looking after my granny but I put her before my career.

The 10k is for furniture/appliances etc. The house I was bidding on went for more than I had anticipated and therefore left me somewhat short.

I feel like people think I'm heavily reliant on my parents. They have never given me money. I have never asked for money. I put myself through college working a part time job.

It won't take me a huge amount of time to save up the 10k and I can buy a secondhand bed etc to sort me until I can buy the rest.

My issue is my mother being a bitch and not helping me at all when she was helped out and is in a position to help me.

Apologies I hadn't seen your other post where you had said you had the deposit. No I don't think you are dependent on your parents at all I can see where you are coming from, you looked after your granny and got nothing in return and now when you need a dig out your mother is not offering anything. I think your mother and granny used you and you are now realising how selfish and money obsessed she is.
If you need furniture - have a look at freecycle Ireland https://www.freecycle.org/browse/IE/Ireland there's always people throwing out furniture so you might get a table and chairs or sofa that somebody doesn't want and giving it away for free. A previous flatmate picked up lots of furniture this way. Best of luck

Milly33

So your annoyed at your mum for not given you 10k is for furniture/appliances etc for your own house.. Really sorry OP but it kinda sounds like you feel you are entitled to this money because your mum has it.. Why don't you just save money and buy the furniture when you can or get cheaper furniture..

You mum already said she would loan you the money which there is nothing wrong with.. Expecting her to just hand over 10K for you to furnish your house to me sounds a bit spoilt.. It doesn't matter if she has money or land or what she has it, you don't... Time to stop begrudging her for something she has and you do not...

Lots of people mention things like this land gesture you have mentioned, but unfortunately if your gran did not change her will then that's it..

Stupid computer - I know it sounds harsh but maybe just leave it..You can decide if you want to begrudge your mum but will it be worth it...

LegacyUser

Milly33 wrote: »

So your annoyed at your mum for not given you 10k is for furniture/appliances etc for your own house.. Really sorry OP but it kinda sounds like you feel you are entitled to this money because your mum has it.. Why don't you just save money and buy the furniture when you can or get cheaper furniture..

You mum already said she would loan you the money which there is nothing wrong with.. Expecting her to just hand over 10K for you to furnish your house to me sounds a bit spoilt.. It doesn't matter if she has money or land or what she has it, you don't... Time to stop begrudging her for something she has and you do not...

Lots of people mention things like this land gesture you have mentioned, but unfortunately if your gran did not change her will then that's it..

I don't think I'm entitled to it. It's her money. She can do what she wants with it. I just think its a bit mean of her to not help me out when she herself was handed everything to her on a silver spoon by her own parents and didn't even help her own mother out when she was ill.

This thread wasn't really to discuss about whether I should get the money or not. I know she doesn't have to give it to me it's more about my built up resentment towards her because of this and whether I'm justified to feel this way.

Milly33

I know parents can be difficult sometimes, youd nearly feel like disowning them sometimes...

You just have to hope and even believe maybe just a little bit (although) they can make it difficult to do this, maybe she is doing it because of this. Because she was handed everything on a plate maybe in her head she thinks well that didn't do me any good, so I am not doing the same..

Maybe just walk away from it without any malice or ill feeling towards her, at least you know then if defo hasn't anything to do with you.

Emme

Milly33 wrote: »

So your annoyed at your mum for not given you 10k is for furniture/appliances etc for your own house.. Really sorry OP but it kinda sounds like you feel you are entitled to this money because your mum has it.. Why don't you just save money and buy the furniture when you can or get cheaper furniture..

You mum already said she would loan you the money which there is nothing wrong with.. Expecting her to just hand over 10K for you to furnish your house to me sounds a bit spoilt.. It doesn't matter if she has money or land or what she has it, you don't... Time to stop begrudging her for something she has and you do not...

Lots of people mention things like this land gesture you have mentioned, but unfortunately if your gran did not change her will then that's it..

Stupid computer - I know it sounds harsh but maybe just leave it..You can decide if you want to begrudge your mum but will it be worth it...

Milly33 did you read the whole thread? The OP looked after her maternal grandmother for 8 years and put her career on the back burner while doing so. During that time her grandmother said she wouldn't be leaving her any money but that she was to get some land her mother was taking care of. When that agreement was made the OP took over paying management fees for the land and paid them over 4 years costing her €1K in total.

She asked for the €10K as part of what she was due from the land. That seems reasonable but her mother does not. The OP is far from acting spoilt or entitled. She supported herself through college, cared for her grandmother and saved for a deposit while renting.

ChampagnePop

Why didn't got grandmother leave you what she promised? That seems to be the main issue here.

And also OP, you've literally called yourself "entitled", so you can't really take issue with comments saying you are!

SAMTALK

Have to agree EMME.

OP not looking for any handouts.. just what she deserves.

Does the mother not acknowledge that OP looked after HER mother


She sounds like a very selfish person TBH and most parents would do all they could to help their children..

Milly33

Yep I read the whole post Emme... And as mentioned to the OP tis crap but maybe the OP's mum is doing this because she was dealt the silver spoon in her life and does not want the OP to get into this....

The mother did offer to loan the OP the money which is a good way to do it. The mother sounds like the kinda of person as OP mentioned in her first post that I would think it if was not a loan, she would be saying well I paid for this I paid for that.. Borrowing money and owning money between family and friends never ends well..

Unfortunately being nice and looking after her grandmother for 8 years was up to the OP and paying for the land without having any definite agreement in writing was also up to the OP..

Addle

My parents have never helped me financially, because they have nothing to give.
I know if they had, they would.

I think your mother should help you.
If she was in anyways decent at all, she would.
But she's obviously not, and you'll only end up even more frustrated than you are now if you continue contemplating it.

So maybe it's just time to move on.

LegacyUser

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Why didn't got grandmother leave you what she promised? That seems to be the main issue here.

And also OP, you've literally called yourself "entitled", so you can't really take issue with comments saying you are!

I was left my grandads car when he died. I had no need for a car and always got the train to visit my grandparents but he left it to me anyway. He didn't leave anything to the other grandkids either because he hadn't seen them in years.

When they found out I had been left a car, their parents (my mothers brothers ex wife mostly) 'caused an absolute sh!t storm because their kids weren't left anything. There was solicitors involved and they were questioning whether my grandad was compos mentis when he wrote the will. It caused and undue amount of stress on my grandmother who was already dealing with the loss of her husband that I gave in. Sold the car and shared what I got between the grandkids. It was roughly 70e each.

My granny didn't want any of that drama again and that's why she left nothing in the will to any of the grandkids. I'm sure she knew I would have caved again and shared it out and thats why she made the agreement with my mother.

My username was tongue & cheek.

fungun

Emme wrote: »

The OP looked after her maternal grandmother for 8 years and put her career on the back burner while doing so. During that time her grandmother said she wouldn't be leaving her any money but that she was to get some land her mother was taking care of. When that agreement was made the OP took over paying management fees for the land and paid them over 4 years costing her €1K in total.

See how Emme summarised this......have you put the issue this clearly to your mother?

I guess sometimes people dont feel like asking for help/their due and can speak around the point a lot or hint too much. Your posts did not come across half as clearly as this summary. You are making multiple points in your post, about your grandmothers reluctance to leave you money and why, about what you did for her, about your mum and dad, about why you need the money.

These are all good context but in the case of actually asking your mother directly for help they are just distractions - the primary point is your grandmother told you in front of your mother that some of the land was for you. You now want your share of this.

I would make sure your request is plain. If your mother refuses to honour her mothers request, then Id be taking issue with her, certainly.

Emme

fungun wrote: »

See how Emme summarised this......have you put the issue this clearly to your mother?

I guess sometimes people dont feel like asking for help/their due and can speak around the point a lot or hint too much. Your posts did not come across half as clearly as this summary. You are making multiple points in your post, about your grandmothers reluctance to leave you money and why, about what you did for her, about your mum and dad, about why you need the money.

These are all good context but in the case of actually asking your mother directly for help they are just distractions - the primary point is your grandmother told you in front of your mother that some of the land was for you. You now want your share of this.

I would make sure your request is plain. If your mother refuses to honour her mothers request, then Id be taking issue with her, certainly.

Unfortunately the grandmother did not write anything into her will so what she said means nothing. The OP's mother may well have smiled and simpered while the grandmother said "I want my granddaughter to get x amount of land after I die or what it's worth". The mother has taken a different attitude with her daughter which is typical of greedy acquisitive people. This woman held onto land that was valued at €2 million during the boom holding out for more money. Land that is now worth €150,000K. Knowing how the value of land fluctuates the mother will be unwilling to hand ANY cash over to her daughter despite the land being valued at possible multiples of what the daughter is asking for (€10K). She offered her daughter a LOAN because this will keep the daughter obligated to her despite the grandmother wanting the daughter to have the land for herself.

The mother's parents gave her the deposit for the house when she got married and she held this over her husband's head as long as they were together despite him paying the mortgage. It was probably a contributing factor in the break up of their marriage.

If she can be this unpleasant to her (now ex-husband) over money she was given as a gift she will be even more unpleasant to her daughter over land and money she perceives to be hers. She was only too happy to hand over the payment of the management fees to the daughter but won't give her money for a deposit on a place of her own. Perhaps there is an ulterior motive behind this. The mother would have seen how her daughter cared for her grandmother and might want the same treatment for herself. If the daughter goes off and buys a place of her own and lives a fully independent life of her own it might throw a spanner in the works. The mother will not want this.

This is why I am advising the daughter to cut her losses and go abroad for a few years to work, save more money and live a life of her own completely independent of the family. The distance will help her see her mother for what she is and help the daughter gain confidence to be truly independent. The daughter has proven that she is capable of earning a good living, working hard and saving. The mother is happy with this as long as it benefits HER. She would not be happy with this if the daughter was doing it on her own account.

Also the daughter has no siblings so it is imperative that she gets out and finds independence as soon as possible before the mother becomes ill or dependent on her. The extended family don't sound very emotionally healthy (none of them visited the grandmother while she was ill) so the daughter would probably be left without support of any kind.

I note the daughter doesn't mention friends, partners, boyfriends, hobbies or anything similar. Perhaps she has these in her life not that it is any of our business business but they are part of a healthy life which the daughter deserves to have. The mother sounds like she might sabotage the daughter having a healthy life. The daughter has made huge sacrifices and done very well for herself. It is time for her to cut off the toxic mother and live life for herself. If she does decide to go away she should keep the plans to herself and tell her mother as little as possible until she leaves.

rainbowtrout

I think whether you are entitled to the money from the land or not is largely irrelevant at the moment OP.

Your mother has offered you a loan, you can take it or not. If you are to take it I would put it in writing and do all repayments by bank transfer so there is a record.

If you are drawing down the mortgage and going through with the house purchase, there are other ways to furnish your house cheaply for the moment.

You do not need brand new furniture and a house fully decked out the minute you turn the key in the door.

As was mentioned earlier in the thread, there is lots of free stuff put up on freecycle and similar websites. Charity shops have plenty of cheap furniture that would do for the moment.

Some furniture stores (DFS and the like) do 0% interest deals on furniture and you pay your bill off monthly. Overall that might be easier to manage and no different to getting a loan from your mother. Nor would you be beholden to her.

Go it alone OP, you'll only spend a lot of time stressing over the situation with your mother and money and get no further.

Realistically you don't need a lot moving into a house: something to sleep on ( you could have a mattress, and not bought the bed frame), appliances to cook with. Something to sit on, and maybe a table to eat from.

When I first bought my house, I couldn't afford wardrobes. All of my clothes were in bags and cardboard boxes in my bedroom until I had saved enough for wardrobes. The world didn't end.

Wesser

This thread wasn't really to discuss about whether I should get the money or not. I know she doesn't have to give it to me it's more about my built up resentment towards her because of this and whether I'm justified to feel this way.[/quote]

Wether or not she should give you the money

And

Wether or not you are justified in feeling resentful if she does not

...........

These are the same thing! Don't fool yourself!

puppieperson1

Toxic parents ireland is full of them move on get away from her she will be bitter and old some day and all that money wont be worth a **** to her and you will be gone !!

LegacyUser

Wesser wrote: »

This thread wasn't really to discuss about whether I should get the money or not. I know she doesn't have to give it to me it's more about my built up resentment towards her because of this and whether I'm justified to feel this way.

Wether or not she should give you the money

And

Wether or not you are justified in feeling resentful if she does not

...........

These are the same thing! Don't fool yourself![/QUOTE]

I've got some fantastic advice from people on this thread apart from you. You wrongly presumed I was living off my parents and didn't have a job. It's not the same thing. I've accepted that she doesn't have to give me the money. I had accepted that before writing the thread.

I do feel like I've been hard done by by my mother. I told her about taking back responsibility for the land and she blew a gasket. Said the loan was off the table etc etc. I said fine that I didn't want to beholden to her for a measly 10k anyway.

An hour later I got a phone call off her brother (no kids). The guy looking after the land is a friend of his so he must have contacted him to let him know there was a change. He asked me what the story was and I told him and he offered me money. He said that everyone knew how fond my granny's was of me and that I should have been left something. I thanked him for the offer but declined. If i've learned anything from this thread it's to just go it alone and not depend on anyone.

Entitled

Entitled wrote: »

I know I'm not entitled to any money from her but I thought she's I'm her only child, and she had her own house deposit paid for her that she would help me out

Entitled wrote: »

My issue is my mother being a bitch and not helping me at all when she was helped out and is in a position to help me.

Whether your or I or anyone else think your mother should or should not help you out, this is the crux of the matter.

Some people have money because they never spend it and your mother strikes me as this kind of person, a person who'll take financial help but never give it because she's too busy hoarding it. This is just her personality, simple as that.

Go ahead with your plans and re-evaluate your relationship with your mother, you know her better now and you should move your relationship with her forward based on this "new" information.

You strike me as a caring, generous and admirable individual. Trust me, when you do all this on your own without her involvement, you will be so much more proud of yourself.

On another matter, I think your Granny's passing and the circumstances of it has hit you harder than you realise and you could be reaching out to your mother for what appears to be money but actually you want affection or support. You should consider talking this through with a counsellor.

vetinari

I think you're perfectly entitled to be resentful of your mother.
If it was me, I'd probably consider cutting ties with her. She's just a toxic influence on your life at this point.

She was happy for you to be her mother's primary caregiver for 8 years!
She showed her true colors in terms of caring for her mother.

CaraMay

vetinari wrote: »

I think you're perfectly entitled to be resentful of your mother.
If it was me, I'd probably consider cutting ties with her. She's just a toxic influence on your life at this point.

She was happy for you to be her mother's primary caregiver for 8 years!
She showed her true colors in terms of caring for her mother.

Yeah I agree. She's not a decent person and seems to be a hindrance more than a help.

valoren

Entitled is such a negative word here.
It's not a case of "You're my Mother, you have money,I'm your daughter, Give me money".
That's entitlement.

You are entitled to the portion of the land as per your grandmothers wishes. Your mother knows this.
Would it be an option for your to make a trade with your mother for your portion of the land?

She would give you the 10k in cash, an agreed nominal value of your "portion" of the land, and you would relinquish your claim to a portion of the land. You could even resort to writing up a legal document to that effect, waiving your claim on the land. You would cover any fee seeing as your mother's a tightwad.

She would then have a 100% unobstrusive claim on the land.
If that is a non-runner (and I think it would be from how you've described your mother) then you have to face the fact that your mother's respect for your grandmother's wishes is non-existant.

She values her own wealth over the wishes of her own dying mother. That's bad Karma.

She will gladly use the fact that there is no legal foothold for you against you all the way.
If anything the lesson you can draw from it, is that your mother is the entitled one here.
She is selfish, self centred and money obsessed. As other's have mentioned, find your own path. Your own father did.

Milly33

Sounds like you are sorted out OP, congrats to you...

I know it all sounds crap but maybe this was the way it was suppose to work out, youll never know..

Try and let you mother not make you I would say hate, but it is too big a word maybe dislike her... Think look she is doing this because she thinks this is right, let her at it just don't entertain any talk or anything to do with it. But don't let her ruin what little of a relationship ye have having some small contact is better than realising in a few years that you missed out even if most of it is BS... Best of luck

via4

I think the advice of cutting ties with your mother are a little extreme. You sound like a great person and very independent also. I think just leave your mum to it it doesn't sound like she will give you any money. You will be glad in the long run that you didn't get any money off her. Personally I would never ask my parents for a euro i would feel awful asking for anything I think it's better to stand on your own two feet. Try not to have resentment towards her life is too short to get annoyed over money you sound like you will get there without her help and you will be so glad you did I think.

Wompa1

I would say if 10k is the difference between you getting the place or not, you may be trying to buy too soon. But you didn't ask about that...it seems pretty crappy on your mothers part but everything about her character that you've described makes her sound crappy. If I was you, I would cut her out of my life. Not worth the aggravation.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

jigglypuffstuff

You're 32...and not your mothers responsibility for a start

You want money handed to you...sorry but thats wrong on every level

Your mom offered to borrow you the money..that should suffice...it will get you where you need to get

Take an adult approach and accept the loan....if you wanted it that bad you'd already have

It sounds to me, based on the approach you're more worried about being given the money as a gift..rather than actually getting it borrowed for the purpose you intended

Im open to correction

Emme

pone2012 wrote: »

You're 32...and not your mothers responsibility for a start

You want money handed to you...sorry but thats wrong on every level

Your mom offered to borrow you the money..that should suffice...it will get you where you need to get

Take an adult approach and accept the loan....if you wanted it that bad you'd already have

It sounds to me, based on the approach you're more worried about being given the money as a gift..rather than actually getting it borrowed for the purpose you intended

Im open to correction

The OP was looking for 10K of her OWN promised to her by her late grandmother. The grandmother didn't want to leave it in her will on account of badwill from the rest of the family so she asked the OP's mother (her daughter) to give it to her. The OP's mother agreed at the time and asked the OP to take over administrative fees for the land which she did - she has paid 1K in administrative fees so far. If you read the entire thread you will have a better understanding of the situation. The OP never looked for anything from anyone. She worked and put herself through college. She looked after her grandmother for 8 years. She put her career on the backburner so she could care for her grandmother (the OP's mother).

The OP's mother wants to hang on to the land and isn't inclined to give the OP what was left to her. That is the whole point of the thread.