Want to be a Mum

fullofbeans

I'm 37 and single and want to have a family, I'm considering using a sperm donor service, preferably in Ireland, has anyone done this and do you have any advice? I haven no support from family at all but I do have lots of friends so I think I have a decent network of people around me but I am still terrified!
Any advice? Is it worthwhile, expensive? Have people been unkind/judgemental?
Thanks!

silverharp

fullofbeans wrote: »

I'm 37 and single and want to have a family, I'm considering using a sperm donor service, preferably in Ireland, has anyone done this and do you have any advice? I haven no support from family at all but I do have lots of friends so I think I have a decent network of people around me but I am still terrified!
Any advice? Is it worthwhile, expensive? Have people been unkind/judgemental?
Thanks!

are you able to financially support yourself ? the childcare costs can be pretty heavy until the child goes to school and even then you would have ongoing costs for years after.
Also whats your plan B if you got seriously ill ?

kjl

LOL, you're friends will be more than useless when you have a child. I would not be considering that as a support system.

Lady is a tramp

Meh plenty of women bring up children with no partner or support system at all. If it's what you want, and you're confident enough to go it alone, go for it!

Childcare will be the major expense, so make sure you take that into consideration.

There are local mother & baby groups all over the country - it's worth researching these before the baby is born, they'll likely be a great support to you in the months after the birth.

fullofbeans

Thanks for your replies!
Yes I am financially well off so that's not a problem at all.
Why would friends not be helpful?!
Almost everyone in my work has children so they will accommodate me when necessary with time off etc.
I hope a close friend will agree to stand in if I get some serious illness but I guess these are all considerations indeed.

bp

Good for you if it is the route you want to take. It is very tough going and I have a supportive OH and both sets if parents to help.

The nights in alone are the hardest (my OH travels a lot) but I wouldn't change it for the world.

There is a single parents thread in the parenting forum which you might want to look at.

Just really think it through as life changes 100% when you have a child and creche is a killer

fullofbeans

Thanks for that! How do you mean crèche is a killer?!

Knine

fullofbeans wrote: »

Thanks for your replies!
Yes I am financially well off so that's not a problem at all.
Why would friends not be helpful?!
Almost everyone in my work has children so they will accommodate me when necessary with time off etc.
I hope a close friend will agree to stand in if I get some serious illness but I guess these are all considerations indeed.

You also need to consider what happens if your child should have health issues or special needs. I was of the it will never happen to me camp but it did & at 37 you have higher risks. I had to give up a highly paid job to look after my child & ended up single. Anybody can end up as a single parent so I would not worry about that so much!

fullofbeans

I do appreciate that I have higher risks at my age but many women are having babies older now, I'm not sure I can accept this as a reason not to at least try to have a family.

woodchuck

fullofbeans wrote: »

Why would friends not be helpful?!

What kind of help would you be looking for from them? I'm sure they'd visit, be a shoulder to cry on, maybe babysit the very odd time. But beyond that I wouldn't expect much. Having a baby is your decision completely, so you can't expect them to put themselves out on a limb because of your life choices.

FlowerPower1

I think if it's what you want to do, then go for it. I had my child on my own in my mid twenties and then I met my partner a few years later. The first few years were tough going, I had very little family or friends support. Every breast/bottle feed, nappy change, meal, bath, clothes wash, doctor visit, etc has to be done by you. I was very close to breakdown at times if I'm being honest but you find a rhythm and it gets a bit easier as the babies get a little older and more independent.
I had to take a career break for a year after my maternity leave as childcare is extortionate. I am back working part time and it suits us but money is tight and very little rainy day money but that's the sacrifice I'd rather make. There is financial support there if you need it. I found it hard as my friends were out partying, buying houses and getting married while I used to spend Saturday nights in alone but you get used to it. You have to get used to being very independent and doing things on your own. You will also get some smarmy comment from certain people but learn to brush it off! Some people judge too easily. Your child is your world and that's all that matters.
Anyway good luck with it all. I am here if you need to chat

FlowerPower1

Knine wrote: »

You also need to consider what happens if your child should have health issues or special needs. I was of the it will never happen to me camp but it did & at 37 you have higher risks. I had to give up a highly paid job to look after my child & ended up single. Anybody can end up as a single parent so I would not worry about that so much!

I know two teenage mothers who have disabled children so it can happen at any age. It's the risk you take and you won't love them any less.

GalwayGrrrrrl

fullofbeans wrote: »

Thanks for that! How do you mean crèche is a killer?!

They probably mean the cost. Full time creche costs 180 per week for a baby - possibly more in Dublin. Do you want your child to be an only child? If not, factor in double creche fees!

CaraMay

I know a girl who has just gone down the donor route, by herself, and has s fabulous baby girl. She and you will never regret it. It will be hard at times but you will get by when it's something you really want.

I don't know about relying on friends as mine were no help but you will definitely get by and get good childcare when needed. It's very do able and so many people have said that they admire that girl so much for what she did. No one will ever love a child more and isn't that what it's all about.

deseil

If you are financially able then you should go for it! It will be tough at times but so rewarding too.

I know a lovely lady who at 41 went to a clinic in London to a sperm clinic and had a perfectly healthy little boy and they have a wonderful relationship shes never had a problem with babysitters among friends and is a much happier person since she had her child.

Just something to consider though,
I know now that her child is 3 she is very worried about how to approach the "Father" issue and she has heard from others it can cause all sorts of issues as the child gets older regarding identity etc if not handled properly.

I know this is causing her alot of stress and worry, so id defenitely look into the psychological effects on the child and how to handle it before making a decision on going the sperm donor route.

Good luck

fullofbeans

Thanks for all that folks, lots for me to consider, I'm an only child myself and that certainly is one of the reasons I want my own so bad, I always wanted to have a large family but life doesn't seem to go how you want Most of my friends have children now so I wouldn't feel I was missing out on any partying, there is less and less of that these days anyways.

LegacyUser

Have a look at a couple of episodes of "Long Lost Family".. There is no doubt but that the child will yearn to seek& know that other 50% of its' genetic makeup, no matter how much love you bestow on it.....

Knine

FlowerPower1 wrote: »

I know two teenage mothers who have disabled children so it can happen at any age. It's the risk you take and you won't love them any less.

I have a child with a severe disability so I know all about loving them! What I actually meant was having such a child would very likely mean that the OP would have to give up work & then would she be able to cope!

OttoPilot

Another consideration is your own romantic needs. With a young baby you potentially won't have the time/energy to date for years. Could you live with that?

Neyite

I was your age when I had my first. 4 years on, and we are continuing to try for another. Age was against me and we were smack bang in the middle of a recession, complete with job losses, new (lower paid) jobs, and big income cuts. Bad time to have a baby, but really it was now or never for us so we just took a leap of faith really.

As a parent, you make it work - you just do. We don't have a support system really as we live away from family. We are not too fussed about going out, we both had very lively twenties and thirties so are pretty much done with the clubbing scene. Crèche fees were a stretch for us, but we managed. You just do. Similarly if you had a child with an illness, of course it's going to be bloody hard going, but as a parent you do that kind of stuff willingly.

Being a single parent will obviously bring you challenges. But even having a partner is no guarantee that you wont become a lone parent in some form down the line. Whether its a sperm donor or whether your partner sods off to the other side of the world or drops dead, you cannot forsee and plan for every last eventuality.

One thing I would ensure though before you embark on this, is to pick, and ask someone to be guardian for your future child. We've ours picked - actually they offered, but we'd been planning to ask them anyway. They would take any children we have if anything happened to us, keeping siblings together, and rear them with their own, as their own. It might be more difficult if you nominate a non-relative so its wise to check out the legal side of things.

Most clinics in Ireland can facilitate donor sperm for you. I think it usually comes from Denmark. (Or used to) You would likely be put on a tracked cycle - so you might be given ovulation meds, or get scanned to check for ovulation then take a trigger shot to release your egg(s) They would then inseminate you with donor sperm. A tracked Ovulation Induction (OI) cycle would likely set you back about €200 for the initial consult, maybe €350 per donor OI, plus 300-400 for the donor sperm. You'd likely need some blood tests beforehand but if I recall correctly, they were about 30-50 euro with the nurse in the GP's office. Those costs would vary, I'm only basing it on my own clinics costs. You are welcome over to the Long Term TTC thread where we chat about our assisted conception journeys and help share information where we can.

bp

fullofbeans wrote: »

Thanks for that! How do you mean crèche is a killer?!

Sorry money wise and depending on their hours you may be late for work/ have to leave early to do drop off and pick up. Also you can't work late in the office and will use up a lot of holidays if/ when they are sick.

GalwayGrrrrrl

I had to give up a very well paid job when I had my first child as the company I worked for would not allow me to change my hours to fit in with creche hours. However, there are alternatives- you can get a childminder, nanny or au pair whose hours are more flexible.
The good news is that I now have a much nicer, family friendly, job and it was a great move for me! Things will work out for you - I would say GO FOR IT!

CaraMay

As you can see there are many reasons not to do it BUT you won't know how many reasons there are to do it until you have the baby. I would think there are very few people who had kids in their late 30's who regret it. It won't be easy but you seem up for it.

Emme

fullofbeans wrote: »

Thanks for all that folks, lots for me to consider, I'm an only child myself and that certainly is one of the reasons I want my own so bad, I always wanted to have a large family but life doesn't seem to go how you want Most of my friends have children now so I wouldn't feel I was missing out on any partying, there is less and less of that these days anyways.

If you feel you can afford it and can deal with the challenges go ahead and good luck. But if you are an only child there might be something else to consider. Are your parents alive and if they are how is their health? Is there a possibility that they could need full time care in the future? In 10 years time is there a possibility you could be juggling the needs of your child with those of your parents?

Even if your parents are fairly well off and can afford home help etc. they will still need attention from you. As an only child the responsibility for their care will fall entirely on your shoulders. I know somebody in this situation, she is in her 40s and never married or had children because her parents' health issues have been ongoing since she was in her teens - chronic ill health, mental heath issues, several hospitalizations a year etc and it gets worse year on year. She is constantly running to and from her parents on account of their health issues and has a hard time juggling this with her job. Any relationships she had broke up because of the needs of her parents and her own health is suffering but she has to keep going as she has no support. Most times she arranges to meet friends she has to cancel because one of her parents gets sick. That's how bad it can get for an only child. She bitterly regrets not having had children but says that if she had children they would have ended up neglected on account of her parents needs. She also said that if she had been in a relationship it would have broken up on account of her parents needs. Your parents can be fine one year but when they get to a certain age they can decline very quickly and their needs can escalate hugely.

My friend's situation is probably a worst case scenario but as an only child you need to consider this before bringing a child into the world, no matter how much you want it. The child's needs come first and if there is any way you can't meet those needs then don't have a child.

I was raised in a single parent family. The thought of voluntarily bringing a child into such a situation does not sit well with me at all. It's selfish but you're perfectly entitled to do it.

I had a lot of resentment towards the parent that wasn't there. I wonder would this resentment be directed at you, if you somehow mishandle the situation by accident. Just a thought.

liquoriceall

Hi OP the situation that you are looking at is something I will do if I don't meet the right person soon! Go on over to Rollercoaster and look at the singles thread and you will find amazing support

Detached Retina

fullofbeans wrote: »

I do appreciate that I have higher risks at my age but many women are having babies older now, I'm not sure I can accept this as a reason not to at least try to have a family.

Mine are 2 and 4 , had at 35 & 37 (separated 2 yrs also) me and my co-workers had a baby boom, we're all the same age peer group. I've had friends recently have babies a little older (and my cousin had a surprise at 45 2 yrs ago!) These days it's not ancient,my Gran had my Mam hand Aunt in the 50's/60's at 30 & 36 and was called a "geriatric mother" in hospital!
Wouldn't consider it too old at all, and if you're financially secure great-better than regretting when it's too late imo.
Also, I find a minder better and less expensive than creche. My daughter went to a 2 hr play group most days before going to play school and minder has her own kids, and minds a couple of kids same age that mine are best mates with so no social lacking

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I was raised in a single parent family. The thought of voluntarily bringing a child into such a situation does not sit well with me at all. It's selfish but you're perfectly entitled to do it.

I had a lot of resentment towards the parent that wasn't there. I wonder would this resentment be directed at you, if you somehow mishandle the situation by accident. Just a thought.

I too was raised in a single parent family. I honestly don't think it mattered one bit to me.
Having said that, I'm not sure I could be a single mother, having seen my own mam & a few friends do it, just seems so hard.
I say go for it OP, if that's what you want, I have a few lesbian couple friends who did the donor thing. I'm not sure what they are going to tell the kids, but the kids will be extremely loved & well looked after.

LegacyUser

OP of you're sure this is what you want and have done the maths (childcare, rent/mortgage/bills/associated school costs etc) then go for it.

On another note, the epic post by Emme on only children made me smile. I was completely responsible for my ailing, elderly parents while raising a family of my own and working full time.. And I have three siblings. Siblings never guarantee anything in life, even support in adulthood.

CaraMay

Ifyourereallysure wrote: »

OP of you're sure this is what you want and have done the maths (childcare, rent/mortgage/bills/associated school costs etc) then go for it.

On another note, the epic post by Emme on only children made me smile. I was completely responsible for my ailing, elderly parents while raising a family of my own and working full time.. And I have three siblings. Siblings never guarantee anything in life, even support in adulthood.

Exactly and even having a kid with the full support of a partners/ husband doesn't mean you won't end up a single mother.

pc7

If everyone in a couple or single considered everything in this thread no one would have kids! Sometimes you just have to do it. I'm in a group and one of the women had 2 kids by a donor and she's amazing! Kids are so happy as is she, plenty of kids with both parents raising them who aren't so loved and happy. Defo try rollercoaster or a forum with people already doing/done it. Best of luck really hope it all works out for you

pwurple

At least you are thinking it through. Which bodes well!

I don't know how sperm donation works, is it anonymous? Does the child ever get to find out who their father was?

The reason I ask, is that my adopted friends and family have a really hard time with not knowing their biological history. They seem to have spent their whole lives with their head wrapped around who their parents could have been, looking at people in the street to see if they are siblings etc. My aunt, when she was dying of cancer, the only thing she could talk about on her death bed was that she had never found her father. Very upsetting.

Is it like that, or is there a link or some information about the donor?

ShaShaBear

pwurple wrote: »

At least you are thinking it through. Which bodes well!

I don't know how sperm donation works, is it anonymous? Does the child ever get to find out who their father was?

The reason I ask, is that my adopted friends and family have a really hard time with not knowing their biological history. They seem to have spent their whole lives with their head wrapped around who their parents could have been, looking at people in the street to see if they are siblings etc. My aunt, when she was dying of cancer, the only thing she could talk about on her death bed was that she had never found her father. Very upsetting.

Is it like that, or is there a link or some information about the donor?

I imagine there would have to be some sort of means to keep records if the child needed any donations medically like organs or blood, or if testing needed to be done?

fits

There are some programmes where child can find out identity of donor after the age of 18. It is not possible to trace donors in others. A detailed medical history is taken at time of donation.

amdublin

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I was raised in a single parent family. The thought of voluntarily bringing a child into such a situation does not sit well with me at all. It's selfish but you're perfectly entitled to do it.

I had a lot of resentment towards the parent that wasn't there. I wonder would this resentment be directed at you, if you somehow mishandle the situation by accident. Just a thought.

I was raised in a two parent family and I have resentment. No family is perfect.