Frustrated

LegacyUser

I'm a 21 year old female in her penultimate (3rd) year of college. I have a group of female friends and we've generally always got on great. However recently enough I was put on tablets for depression/anxiety. One of the side effects is that I have 0 sex drive, which is fine. I never wanted a relationship nor have I ever come close to having one, and well I'm also a virgin. Also as a result of these tablets I cant really drink. And all of a sudden the dynamic of our group has changed. As I cant drink I don't really enjoy going out anymore, inf act it irritates me and I have learned to hate it. I used to like going out, until "this dynamic changed" My friends were also virgins and dint really bother with boys until this semester until one girl became desperate to lose her virginity to anyone so she would take guys home and do a bit of hanky-panky and eventually she did *it* with some guy off tinder (I don't mean for that to sound judgmental she herself even said she really wanted to do it before her 21st so the rush was on to *do it*). It kinda annoyed me that she was generally abandoning me for guys on nights out, not just leaving/going home with guys, or flirting/staying with them in whatever venue we were in, but also whenever I go to visit her shes generally tindering/texting/snapchatting lads, and most of our conversations revolve around guys now. She popped her cherry about a month ago. And recently another friend has started doing the same, whenever were with her she tends to be texting/snapchatting a guy she knows from tinder and now shes popped her cherry too. Within the span of a month both my friends have popped their cherries and this past semester they've just been so involved in guys/tindering/hooking up on nights out its actually upsetting, I'm always left abandoned in night clubs, I cant even go off and shift some fella cause these tablets have essentially turned me asexual and I don't have the will power or confidence to go chat to strangers so I just end up sitting alone in the corner on my phone waiting to see if my friends are going to break away from snapping/texting/tindering/shifting these lads which they normally dont and I end up going home by myself. Even when they promise they're not going to go home with lads and ask me to stay they just end up staying with them for ages after the pubs close till they go home.

Now all of this is actually really frustrating, not only are my friends essentially abandoning me on nights out, but I feel *nothing* in *that* department, and am now the only virgin left among my group of friends. I am not pretty or slim or have any discerning qualities that would make me an attractive person to somebody, not that I even want to be with someone. Its frustrating not feeling these things and feeling like I'm the only virgin left. I'm going to graduate college a virgin (unless I do stuff next year, which I probably wont) The time when I am supposed to be most sexually promiscuous, and I'm afraid Ill look back and regret it. But right now I don't want to *do it* and that's frustrating, not even being able to feel these things (not that I felt them too often before I was on these tablets) and not being able to do the things all my peers are doing (Like I'm 21 for goodness sake!), that my friends have all of a sudden started caring so greatly about. Previously my friends had told me they wanted to loose their v. card in a relationship but neither of these girls did, they just did it with some random lad off tinder, in fact none bar one of my friends lost their virginity to a guy they knew, and the fact that these two friends, the two friends I would see most/have the most in common with out of the group just flip the switch on their opinions and previous decision on how they were going to lose it so suddenly, well it makes me feel like that my plan in my head to do it for the first time with someone I know (not that I know anyone, just let it happen when it happens kind of mentality) just feels like I'm being stupid and naive. I didn't like going out sober, and now that my friends pretty much abandon me I've come to hate it, I end up paying for a taxi home by myself, usually cover at least one other persons fare on the way in with the promise they'll buy me a drink but never do, and not to mention entry/drinks (soft drinks) while I'm in there, so even on top of that ,monetary worries are effecting me, I just feel like I waste a lot of time and money with my friends in hopes of having a good time but I don't-cause it goes from being an ok night with them around to a sh1t night when thy go off and flirt/text lads and leave me hanging there by their side with nothing to do. I feel like I'm loosing my friends and being left behind.

I don't even know what I'm asking here, I just wanted to rant it all out cause I just feel so idiotic and isolated by it which is stupid I know, my friends are moving on without me, their main focus is guys now and hooking up, and I'm just stuck.

Idle Passerby

I can sympathise with being annoyed with your friends for abandoning you on nights out and ignoring you in favour of their phones, that's just plain rude of them. Maybe you could calmly point out to them that if they are in your company it is disrespectful to have their nose in their phone or to leave you sitting on your own when your all out together. Since you cant drink with your medication and its making going to pubs and clubs less enjoyable maybe you could try to get your friends interested in doing other things instead, or get to know people that aren't all about drinking and scoring boys.

I don't think you need to be worried about the virginity issue. Firstly, if your medication is killing your sex drive then it kind of takes the issue off the table for the time being. If your concerned about your loss of libido you should mention it to your doctor. If its a medication you anticipate being on long term it would be worth sorting out.

Don't let your friends desires make you feel bad. There's nothing wrong with them wanting to be sexually active and there's nothing wrong with choosing not to be either. It sounds like you wern't bothered by your sexual status until that of your friends changed. Other peoples experiences don't need to be a benchmark for what you "should" be doing. There is no right age to have any experience, the only right time is whenever its right for you.

Clampdown

Part of it sounds like the whole nightclub scene doesn't really suit you, which is fine. It mostly is there for people to lose their inhibitions through drink and dance or hook up. If you don't have the desire for that wouldn't waste my time or money in those places. Most people eventually figure out that it's a shallow scene that leaves you with little else besides a hangover and a much lighter wallet. People tend to act pretty crappy when wasted, even so called mates. At 21 it's what a lot of people do to socialize but not everyone.

Maybe you could find other social outlets that don't revolve solely around alcohol and random hook ups? You might meet people who share an interest with you and you can make new friends. There's nothing worse than feeling alone on nights out, I've been there and I decided I'd just start staying in more and that way I save money and am way more productive in following my goals/completing personal projects, etc.

Also, don't get too down on yourself. You're still very young, a lot of these issues will pass. In time you will likely find that your anxiety will subside and your sex drive returns and you certainly will, when the time is right, find someone who is attracted to you and you to them, and you will be able to form a much deeper relationship than a one night Tinder stand. That kind of hook up is just not for you but that doesn't make you weird. As you figure out more about yourself these things will not seem like big problems any more.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I'm the op. I just wanted to thank you both for taking the time to read my *very* long post, as well as posting your own thoughts on the subject. It was quite reassuring. Thank you

LegacyUser

Trust your own instinct and don't be forced down a path because others are doing something. I was in a similar position to you when I was in university, I'd rate myself an ok looking guy who was popular with the girls but I was focused on academic success and just didn't have time for the distraction of losing my virginity, to me it was a big deal and I felt it could become an enormous distraction. So I entered university a virgin and left it a virgin....and I found that it all happened naturally when I met the right person some months after graduation. Be yourself and let it all develop naturally for you, you don't have to rush anything

ShRT

Hi OP, you should speak to your doc if the medication is affecting your libido. They may be able to prescribe something different as there is usually a number of alternatives each with different side effects.

As mentioned by the other posters, I wouldn't get hung up on the virginity side of things. Lose it when it's most comfortable for you whether that's with a "randomer" from tinder or in a relationship with someone. There is a lot of media pressure around losing your virginity so fair play on taking that decision for yourself. Takes courage to do that.

Maybe you can also widen your circle of friends by joining a club or society? I can't drink myself at the moment due to meds so I know how maddening it can be when you are the only sober one in the group esp once you hit the nightclub.

thegreatgonzo

ShRT wrote: »

As mentioned by the other posters, I wouldn't get hung up on the virginity side of things. Lose it when it's most comfortable for you whether that's with a "randomer" from tinder or in a relationship with someone. There is a lot of media pressure around losing your virginity so fair play on taking that decision for yourself. Takes courage to do that.

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I really agree with this. This is actually something that makes me really annoyed. Virginity has been made into a kind of a handicap or a stigma by an idiotic element of the media and it creates a totally unnecessary amount of anxiety. As if there weren't enough real things to worry about. Even expressions like v card etc.
There's no magic transformation after you lose your virginity and for a lot of people it's a big disappointment. You are right to wait OP and I agree with the posters who suggested meeting people through other things like clubs etc. When the time is right for you it will happen and you won't have any regrets.