Are some people just not good together in bed?

LegacyUser

Hi, so 3rd date with a nice guy last night. Not my usual type nor me his but still lots in common and get on well. Neither of us were very sure if we wanted a relationship or to keep it casual but figured we would work that out as things went on.

Anyway slept together for the first time last night and it was awful. This is a guy who has been around the block & I'd imagine has had a lot more partners than me. Foreplay was non existant and while it had potential, I ended up just telling him to finish as it was going nothing for me. Tried again 5his morning and I mentioned that foreplay being turned off etc was something I considered important. After about 30s of it, it was the dame thing again. He told me he thought it was goodesp the first time. Have I been spoilt by previous partners? Are we just incompatible/better as friends?

magneticimpulse

I'd be moving on - it's not going to improve. You just don't seem to be feeling a spark with him. You say he is not your type and that he was rubbish in bed - I don't see how it can get better if this is your view point after the 3rd date

blue note

Depends on how much you like him. I wouldn't completely write it off because of bad sex though, that can often be improved drastically over time.

silverbolt

why? Why on earth would you tell him to finish instead of telling him to stop? You were uncomfortable and not enjoying it. You should have said stop

If the sex is the only real issue then that can be improved with time communication and practice.

But no you havent been spoiled. But he has, he thinks sex is all about his pleasure

Conor Bourke

1112111122 wrote: »

Hi, so 3rd date with a nice guy last night. Not my usual type nor me his but still lots in common and get on well. Neither of us were very sure if we wanted a relationship or to keep it casual but figured we would work that out as things went on.

Anyway slept together for the first time last night and it was awful. This is a guy who has been around the block & I'd imagine has had a lot more partners than me. Foreplay was non existant and while it had potential, I ended up just telling him to finish as it was going nothing for me. Tried again 5his morning and I mentioned that foreplay being turned off etc was something I considered important. After about 30s of it, it was the dame thing again. He told me he thought it was goodesp the first time. Have I been spoilt by previous partners? Are we just incompatible/better as friends?

Do either of you actually fancy each other?! IMO there has to be a mutual attraction for me to even consider sleeping with someone. That, to me, contributes massively to the elusive "spark" which elevates someone from just being nice company to someone I would consider sleeping with. That's not to say that first time sex with a new partner is always instantly mind-blowing but surely you should be able to tell whether there's potential to improve.

LegacyUser

I didnt tell him to stop cos I thought at least one of us should enjoy it. Seems silly now.

I did fancy him and thought he fancied me too.

I think I was actually shocked at how bad it was.

It think he thought if he just went as hard and long as he could that i would enjoy it. He was shocked that I did not. We are both in our late thirties! He is not inexperienced, ex girlfriends and enjoyed his single life also. I know that every time is not earth shattering and that the first time we have a new partner is not always the best. It was a total turn off and I'm disappointed a lot. If it was lack of experience I would improve this in time but if this is what he has done all his life I dont think I can fix it

tara73

1112111122 wrote: »

I didnt tell him to stop cos I thought at least one of us should enjoy it. Seems silly now.

I did fancy him and thought he fancied me too.

I think I was actually shocked at how bad it was.

It think he thought if he just went as hard and long as he could that i would enjoy it. He was shocked that I did not. We are both in our late thirties! He is not inexperienced, ex girlfriends and enjoyed his single life also. I know that every time is not earth shattering and that the first time we have a new partner is not always the best. It was a total turn off and I'm disappointed a lot. If it was lack of experience I would improve this in time but if this is what he has done all his life I dont think I can fix it

I think you are completely right with this and I don't think you should invest more. You were telling him you're not comfortable what he's doing but he didn't consider it.

All the things you mentioned in your quoted post are spot on.

I would forget about him as soon as you can and move on.

ahnow

Maybe he's just been with women who haven't spoken up before? I wouldn't let him go just yet, try again and talk him through what you like, and if he's not bothered to learn what works for you in foreplay and put the time in, at least you'll know you tried!

Ursus Horribilis

How much communication did you actually have with him about this? Maybe, despite all this experience he supposedly has, he has never been with a woman who told him what likes? Perhaps he thinks that jackhammer is the way to go and has never been pulled up on this?

Alf Veedersane

I don't believe there are people who are incompatible in bed. They may be incompatible and that follows through to sex.

But if you couple communication with a willingness to work together on what works for each other (without it having to be like some sort of lab practical) then you can get sparks.

But some people don't want to communicate about it or are feel like it's some sort of admission of being bad at it.

suicide_circus

Why was it up to him to make the sex good? Why didn't you initiate foreplay? Why didn't you bring the moves? Sounds like you expected to be serviced.

ahnow

suicide_circus wrote: »

Why was it up to him to make the sex good? Why didn't you initiate foreplay? Why didn't you bring the moves? Sounds like you expected to be serviced.

Because sex is about give and take, only 25% of women can come from penetrative sex alone. If he's not doing any foreplay, or 30 seconds of it...that's not going to happen, whereas his orgasm was more or less a sure thing.

fungun

hmm. Im surprised no one has suggested you actually telling him and showing him what you like.

I mean i know you say 'he has been around the block' but a lot of guys dont have a clue when they start out first and if no one says what they want, how is he supposed to learn? He may have had less partners than you think also, often that is the case with guys!!!

He said he thought it was good, maybe he needs help for you to show him what you like? Writing off a relationship because the first night in bed together wasnt great seems a bit much to me. Yeah you migth have different styles, but with communication and care you can each adapt to each others styles....if you care enough (which you might not in this case)

tara73

fungun wrote: »

hmm. Im surprised no one has suggested you actually telling him and showing him what you like.

I mean i know you say 'he has been around the block' but a lot of guys dont have a clue when they start out first and if no one says what they want, how is he supposed to learn? He may have had less partners than you think also, often that is the case with guys!!!

He said he thought it was good, maybe he needs help for you to show him what you like? Writing off a relationship because the first night in bed together wasnt great seems a bit much to me. Yeah you migth have different styles, but with communication and care you can each adapt to each others styles....if you care enough (which you might not in this case)

eehm, ...she told him she needs some foreplay... I would say even most of the 16 year old boys who never had sex and their girl told them she needs foreplay, know what foreplay is and means, would react, kissing more, fumbling around, stroking, and asking her if that's better and would normally intuitively have a need for foreplay too. Most men enjoy foreplay.

he's in his late thirties and wasn't reacting to her request at all. That's what she tells us. not in the slightest was he asking or doing something.

so what else should she do? sit him down and explain a 35 sth year old man what foreplay is and how it's done and why she needs it?

OP, I can only say if you fancy him like hell, try to explain this stuff to him, but I really think you can easily say it's not worth it, if he's not getting it by now and after you told him, it's just a hopeless case.

and to the people who say if she just wanted to be pleased, by asking for foreplay, I guess she meant to involve him too. she doesn't come across in her OP as a selfish person.

panda100

fungun wrote:

He may have had less partners than you think also, often that is the case with guys!!!

This! Are you just presuming that he has lots of experience?

Speaking from my own personal experience, and what i know from close male friends, it's not uncommon to play up that you are more sexually experienced than you actually are. This is especially true when you hit your 30's and are expected to have had a few partners at that stage in your life. Three dates in you are still really getting to know someone so I really wouldn't write him off at this stage.

beks101

It all seems a bit quick and rushed and black and white and you seem to have made up your mind about him after what sounds like a quick fumble beneath the bed sheets.

That's fine - but maybe this is just confirming what you already felt (or didn't feel) for the guy. I didn't sense any spark or major attraction for the guy from your post.

Three dates is nothing, you barely know the fella. First-time sex is rarely, if ever, amazing IME - you're both manoeuvring a new body that you've never experienced before, there's nerves and anxiety and what have you. Sex is about two people as well - what was stopping you from getting on top and guiding at your own pace? Or enacting foreplay on him?

It might turn out that you're not physically compatible, but I'd say that's more of a symptom of the lack of chemistry between the two of you than anything else. No-one is "crap" at sex, really. People just have different preferences.

Can you really tell whether you're sexually compatible after just one time? I mean, you said that foreplay was a turn-on for you, but how much of it did you initiate? Either doing it for him or getting him started with you - just a helpful push in the right direction, as it were. And then actually telling him what sounds good.

Sex is only good if both people are involved -- it takes two to tango and all that. How much effort did you make?

suicide_circus

fungun wrote: »

hmm. Im surprised no one has suggested you actually telling him and showing him what you like.

I mean i know you say 'he has been around the block' but a lot of guys dont have a clue when they start out

just like a lot of girls?

I make this point because of the frequently reported phenomenon of passive bedroom antics on behalf of (mostly young) women and then subsequent expectation that it is the guy who will dictate whether the sex is good. As someone said above, this is a game of two halves, takes two to tango etc...

OP, if you fancy each other and you are prepared to communicate in bed, there is every chance of enjoying each other. You suspecting him of having loads of experience and thus expecting him to wow you in bed is setting yourself up for a fall. He may have had plenty of sex but he has never had sex with YOU - he dosn't know what you like...just like you don't know what he likes. You losing interest and passively allowing him to finish is a pretty grim image and frankly speaks of inexperience or disinterest.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the feedback.

To clarify a few things:-

1. My comments on his previous experience are based on both what he told me himself and that fact that friends of mine who know him way said, a real player in college but seemed to have quietened down when he met his last girlfriend. Hearsay obviously but they know him years.

2. On me suggesting how I like it, showing him, guiding him etc. I only stopped short of drawing him a diagram! I did initiate changes etc. Someone mentioned me getting on top etc, without being two graphic I was extremely proactive the second time and did take the lead in that respect.

3. Was he on the receiving end of any foreplay etc, yes and again yes he was. I can't expect to receive any if I don't do my part!!!

Mr SuicideCircus, you seem to think I just lay there lack a sack of spuds expecting screaming orgasms to just happen without playing any role in it, I can assure you this was not the case!!! You have a very negative view of women and their sexuality!

Update: we met for lunch and spoke about it & it turns out that the fact I made some suggestions earlier on kind of made him extremely nervous and threw him a bit, admitted that cos he was very anxious to please me it all went a bit badly wrong. Also said he's not used to women being as proactive and it threw him a little. Not writing it off just yet anyway so we'll see what happens. Lessons in this for me too!

osarusan

If you think that the guy simply doesn't care about how you feel as he only wants to enjoy himself, then there's not much hope for things.

But if you think that it's something that can be resolved and you think the relationship is worth trying to resolve it, then work on it.

His reaction to you saying he should just finish off (if you put it as bluntly as that) wasn't exactly encouraging though - surely he'd have shown some concern at that point along the lines of 'what can I do to make it feel better?'

Tigger99

Maybe he was nervous, maybe he's less experienced than he let on. I think you are being too hard on him. I think there can be more expectation on guys during sex which can make the first time pretty nerve wrecking. Telling him foreplay is something you consider important can be a world of difference to sensitively showing him.

Having lunch, probably in a public place, seems like a very odd place to talk about how bad someone is in bed. How did they react? To me, it would make an already nervous person more nervous.

LegacyUser

I'm not insensitive and was never blunt with him. I tried everything guiding, showing, hinting before I mentioned it. I also didn't have a conversation with him in an extremely public place, I'm not an idiot, it was a late lunch, extremely quiet and we pretty much had the place to ourselveS


Please close the thread now as I'm getting a lot of blame where I don't think it's deserved. I was extremely sensitive to his feelings etc but am still getting blamed even though I treated him well whereas he just thought of himself.