Kids have never been in a relationship

LegacyUser

I have 3 sons, aged 20, 17 and 15. I don't know if I should be worried or not that none of them have been in a relationship. The 20 year old, is in full time in college, excelling at computer science, he does go out with his friends, but it would probably be football or a mates house, rather than a nightclub but he is very close to me and his dad.

The other two are doing great in school, they have friends, go out when it suits them, but there not the most social type. There 3 great kids, but I'm worried that they don't know how to start a relationship.

Am I just overthinking this, and that everything will happen naturally, or should I be pushing and encouraging the, to go out more and meet new people ?

Thanks so much.

Lady is a tramp

They're only young yet, I wouldn't be worried in the slightest if I were you.

Also, no matter how close you are to them, I'd be very surprised if they tell you everything that goes on in their lives ... just because you've never heard about any romantic interests doesn't necessarily mean that they don't exist.

Wesser

Why would a 15 year old be in a relationship? He is only a child.
I thought you were going to write that your kids were like in their late twenties.
No I don't think you have anything to worry about. As long as they are happy.

uck51js9zml2yt

Be thankful your 15 year old isnt involved in a relationship and relax about the rest.

deseil

Thank your lucky stars!!

Keane2baMused

15 and 17 year olds have no need to be in a relationship (especially at 15, not sure what that's about).

Actually same goes for the 20 year old! That's still young.

Why the rush? Let them grow up and experience life.

L.Jenkins

I wasn't in a long term relationship until the age of 27. Now I'm married to the same lady at 31. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

sReq | uTeK

Like you said. You have three GREAT kids. It doesn't matter If they're never in one. Just be there when they need you.

baby and crumble

When I was a teenager I no more told my parents about any shenanigans I may or may not have been involved in than the man in the moon.

But on a more serious note, op, please don't transfer any ideas you have about the need to be in a relationship to your kids. Do you want them to get into and stay in bad relationships because thats what you're "supposed to" do? Don't.

Sinead Mc1

Ah ya. Totally too early to be worried! There is also an argument that they have indeed had relationships, but you are unaware!! Kids are so open about these things, so early, in this day in age but they seriously have years ahead of em b4 its any kind of issue. Would be far more concerned about the friendships they have, and your post suggests it's not an issue. Enjoy the stress free environment!! For now...

silverharp

they sound happy enough if they have friends and are doing well in school/college. At the end of the day their mates might be lifelong friends and getting their grades should be their main focus. I certainly wouldnt make it an issue even in a jokey way, I have a son a few years behind yours but my standard advice is going to be that teenage school girls can be a bit of headwreck so dont take them too seriously, focus on other things. it will all fall into place later

cactusgal

Your kids should be strengthening relationships with friends and family at their ages. They have the rest of their lives to be involved in romantic relationships.

Like earlier posters, I'm baffled as to why you think this is an issue at their young ages. Unless you hope to have them married off very young? (Not being smart, that may be a priority for you?)

Squall Leonhart

I was in the latter half of my teenage years before I even kissed a girl. I was awkward and it was something I was really bad at. Even talking to a girl was an event to me as I went to an all boys secondary school. I was pretty good at sports and very good at school, but girls eluded me. If I knew my parents were stressing about it, it would have made me feel awful, as it was I felt uncomfortable enough. I wouldn't have coped with the additional pressure of a parent thinking I was odd.

As it turned out I did meet a few girls, had a few relationships that failed and had a hectic mid 20s of women before I met a wonderful woman in my latter 20s and have a great relationship now.

Some things take time. Some people get to a point aged 19, others reach a similar point aged 40. Don't stress about it, don't place any unnecessary emphasis on it either, it can add stress to a situation that doesn't need stress. Maybe your sons are lonely and imagining life with women (or men) and all that goes with it, and maybe they've no interest and may not til they're older, if ever. Maybe one or more of your sons are gay or content with just their own company. Leave them figure it all out for themselves and get to where they're going in whatever time it takes.



Edit:

I'm close to my parents, always have been, hope I always will be be. I too was never a fan of nightclubs. Yes I went now and then but that was more from age 20+, hated them all my 20s as well. Some people just don't like night clubs. This isn't odd, lots of people just go to them because they feel they should be going.

2rkehij30qtza5

Oh I wouldn't be in the least worried yet, they are so young yet!

questionmark?

OP your worrying about nothing. They are young, appear to be focused with sports/education and have friends. Sounds like your doing a good job raising them. Plenty of time for relationships.

P.S. Chances are they have had the odd sneaky snog and would not be telling you as nothing serious. Once they are not engaging in risky sexual activity it's just fun and games.

wokingvoter

Please don't worry. Loads of time.
As the mother of an 18 year old Leaving Cert student whose a year into already her 2nd long term romance I can tell you honestly that they are just too young, they can't handle all the emotional upheaval on top of the pressure of school and I honestly envy you.

Turtle_

I had a steady stream of relationships throughout my teens, which I called a halt to at 22. It made me feel secure at the time... Wanted, popular, I belonged. I was more "successful" at "relationships" than most others my age. Made me feel grown up. But there's the problem, I wasn't grown up... Teenage romances are fine if they're short and sweet...

Relationships are a different kettle of fish, though. They take work, and trust, and openness and honesty. They're all skills that a teenager (or young adult) often won't have. I know I strung out a couple of relationships well past their sell by date because breaking up is hard. I wasn't self-assured enough, and didn't have enough perspective, to prevent being in a relationship from influencing other important areas of my life like academics.

It sounds like your boys are fine. If they're happy, why stress about it? They've probably had a fling or two - just because you haven't heard about it doesn't mean it didn't happen. If they're not in a relationship at their ages... Great! They get to develop as individuals, learn who they are, become comfortable in their own skin. They'll gain emotional maturity so that when (if) they are at some point in a relationship, they'll have the skills to deal with the stresses that can show up.

Tbh, I'd be more concerned if the 15 year old was in a relationship, or if the 17 year old had been through 1 or more relationships. From my own experience it'd be raising red flags about insecurity rather than anything else.

ChampagnePop

I'm marrying my first boyfriend who I started going out with at 22, I'm still one of the first of my school friends to get married.
Not everyone wants a series of partners; it doesn't mean anything that your sons haven't settled down yet, everyones different, they're still young

Wesser

I agree with the above poster...... I think you should not express these worries to your boys.
Otherwise you will give them the impression that there's something wrong with being single ior that they are not a whole and complete person when they are by themselves. This could lead to insecurity and low self confidence.

kylith

When I was 16 my mum asked me if I was upset that I'd never had a boyfriend, which I hadn't been until she brought it up like there was something wrong with me.

Leave them alone, they'll work it out in their own time. Just be supportive and open to listening to them should they want to talk.

miezekatze

kylith wrote: »

When I was 16 my mum asked me if I was upset that I'd never had a boyfriend, which I hadn't been until she brought it up like there was something wrong with me.

Leave them alone, they'll work it out in her own time. Just be supportive and open to listening to them should they want to talk.

Same thing happened to me too and I wished she hadn't said anything, made me feel like a weirdo. Plenty of people don't have serious relationships in their teens and it's really nothing to worry about. Let your kids focus on other things if that's what they want to do.

LegacyUser

Yes you may have cause for concern. I'm a male who didn't get into a relationship until I was 23 and was pretty miserable for most of my teens and early twenties as a result. I was depressed and full of self loathing. It's not nice when it seems that you're the only person in your year not in a relationship/having sex (even though that brings up its own problems).

I think the isolation of young men in their teens is a major issue that we rarely talk about. Young men are very competitive and when you're the only one not 'scoring' it can be very damaging to your mental health. I know everyone here is saying 'they're just teenagers, nothing to worry about lol' but honestly that's a very naive view of things.

All I can say is keep an eye out for depression. Of course it's certainly possible that your sons are happy and content.

Ursus Horribilis

If you are the sort of person bothered enough to start a thread on boards about this, perhaps you have unwittingly put your sons off telling about anyone they've been involved with. Though it's more likely that they're like most teenagers and will be keeping you out of the loop anyway Or on the other hand, if you're so eager to see them in relationships, have you put them off them?

I don't have teenage children so I can't put myself in the shoes of a parent. But I think if I was a parent of teenagers, I'd be happier if they weren't in relationships too young. They've enough to get getting on with, what with school, their friends, sports and hobbies, trying to find their way in the world, those raging hormones... I'm sure there's many a parent who's saying "be careful what you wish for".

Lia_lia

kylith wrote: »

When I was 16 my mum asked me if I was upset that I'd never had a boyfriend, which I hadn't been until she brought it up like there was something wrong with me.

Same here! Ended up having my first boyfriend when I was 19. I just had no interest in relationships until I met this fella. I wouldn't worry, OP. Many of my friends had never been in relationships in their late teens/early twenties..

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. Yes you are overeacting about none of your sons being in relationships. I believe that you are pushing them too far to settle down early and then if they do start dating and then when the relationship ends then they will come crying to you and did you know that relationship break ups is a major contributory factor in most suicides among young males. So my advice would be to keep praising them for their friends and if the younger two want to go to college just concentrate on their fees and books and help them choose their right career. I am 25 almost 26 and I have never been in a relationship either so I believe that you are putting pressure on your sons.

SarahMollie

Hi OP.

I'd concur with the majority of posters in that you've nothing to worry about, especially with your younger two.

Firstly, its possible that they're all already having little dalliances with the opposite sex, just nothing rising to the standard of a relationship that you'd know about. My parents have only ever met 2 BF's of mine and I'm 30. Theres plenty they dont know, and don't need to know IMO.

Secondly, lots of people don't have their first proper relationship until well into their 20's. Again this is fairly normal. Also you mention that your eldest is studying computers science or similar. This is likely heavily male dominated with a pretty substantial workload. In college, people studying these types of courses (I'd include engineers in this) typically werent the social butterfly's of the campus, but that didnt mean that they didnt go on to have successful adult lives, both personally and professionally. Sometimes these are the lads who turn out to be the biggest catches.

My OH would have been a bit like that, but now himself and his mates like to laugh about what nerds they were and how tragic they were with girls. Not one of them is single now

hearmehearye

OP your kids are probably up to more than you'll ever know, or want to know! I'm almost 21 and have been going out with a guy the last 2.5 years and my parents are none the wiser. And he's not my first boyfriend either!!

I didn't have a serious relationship until I was .. 21. I think. This was pretty much the first girl I introduced to my parents in that way.

In all honesty, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. What they didn't know is that there were plenty of others that they never knew about or met.

Give them time.

ivytwine

hearmehearye wrote: »

OP your kids are probably up to more than you'll ever know, or want to know! I'm almost 21 and have been going out with a guy the last 2.5 years and my parents are none the wiser. And he's not my first boyfriend either!!

This is so true. I love my mother to bits but if I even mention a colleague or a male friend she practically buys a hat!

I've been up to lots that she never knew about

LegacyUser

I never had an actual relationship until I was 30, and only lost my virginity at age 28. I know that makes me an outlier but the only reason I ever felt unhappy was because of the pressure other people / society put on me and the unspoken question about my sexuality that I felt I had to answer by getting a girlfriend. It was only after I relaxed that I started meeting people.

For what it's worth 5 years later I'm now engaged to my lovely fiance and have never been happier.

Relax and let your kids grow at their own pace! Some of us just take a little longer to find our way.

beks101

I'm curious as to why you think your sons not having relationship experience (as far as you know) given their young ages is a problem? I'm wondering if there's a bit of projection going on here. Did you fall into relationships from a young age or meet their father in your teens etc?

Personally I didn't have my first proper "boyfriend" until I was about 25/26...parents didn't meet a fella til I was 28! Far from being socially maladjusted or awkward, I had a very busy social life and spent those years traveling and working hard on my career, I just didn't meet someone I wanted to waste time on until then. There were tens if not hundreds of other dalliances I wouldn't have uttered a word to my parents about!

I think instead of worrying about their love lives and potentially giving them a complex in their already vulnerable and insecure years, you should let them find their own paths and happiness in life without expecting them to conform to whatever standards you have in your own head. They sound socially engaged and busy with hobbies and education, you have nothing to worry about.