Upset father

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. Sorry if the post is a little long, but I feel the background info is pertinent.

My father is in his early sixties. He grew up in a very poor household, and his childhood was mostly blighted by an alcoholic father, a constant lack of money for even food or other basic amenities, and various other problems. He was bullied quite badly at school too. All in all, he didn't have a happy childhood. He was, however, close to his mother.

He didn't get much of an education either, due to a combination of factors; a lack of care from his own father, poor direction from the school, a desire on his part to avoid the bullying and a much less regulated approach to making sure children were educated properly than what we have nowadays. He estimates that in total he probably only managed 3 years in primary school and 1-2 as a teenager in high school. To this day he still has problems reading certain things or understanding some word meanings.

Despite this poor start, he had an unrelenting resolve to do better for himself, a strict work ethic and a great mind for numbers. He worked in various jobs and then eventually started his own sales business over 30 years ago. This did very well (and continues to do so, with him at the helm) and provided him with the funds to dip into the property market as well, where he made some very astute purchases and scored big on some sites and buildings.

He's now what most people would call very wealthy and continues to work 6 days and 3 nights a week. He's been married to my mother for many years, and myself and my siblings have all had a happy and contented upbringing. Despite any wealth he has accumulated, we weren't spoilt and were all taught the value of money. We have all worked from a young age for pocket money and went straight into full-time jobs after education.

One of my siblings had a landmark birthday recently, and my father presented that sibling with a fairly large and expensive present. It's not something that is done very often, but he wanted to mark the occasion and we all agreed that it was a lovely gesture. My sibling was surprised, and overwhelmed, but very grateful and we went on to have a great evening together as a family.

The next day, I was walking outside our family home and found my father sitting on a wall in tears. I was naturally concerned and after some digging and a reluctance from him to discuss anything, he broke down even more and said that after the evening before, he couldn't help thinking of his own childhood and how no-one ever gave him anything, and how he spent much of it in so much unhappiness. He didn't want my sibling to think he resented giving him a great gift, because he was delighted to be able to do so, but the whole event had stirred up old memories and he just felt they were always there inside him and he couldn't deal with them or get rid of them.

Of course I uttered the usual cliches about how that was all in the past, and how he had made such a success of his life and made sure we were all happy, and he had so much to look forward to. But I felt like most of it made no difference. He calmed down a bit and accepted all this, but at the end said he just can't get this out of his head.

Later on no-one would even know he had been upset, but from my perspective his demeanour since has been different and he just doesn't seem himself. I'm not sure what else I can say to try and help him. He's not a man who would go and talk to a counsellor or discuss this kind of thing, even though that would probably be the best option. Any advice appreciated.

valoren

I could only suggest that you ask him to call you to talk if he ever feels the need to talk.

Encourage him to talk to you. He may need someone to vent to and you could suggest to him that you are willing to listen. He may need to simply talk about what happened and get it out of his system.

Bad things unfortunately happen to good people.

SarahMollie

I don't think there is much you can do to be honest OP. Maybe make your siblings aware, while ensuring that the sibling who got the gift knows that your Dad doesnt resent giving the gift.

All you can do is be there for him and show him kindness now. Some people have melancholy moments, especially later in life. I'm sure he wishes things would him been different for him, but maybe if it comes up again, point out that his hardships are probably what gave him the drive to succeed, and that because of that you and your siblings have had the best start in life. I'm sure he's extremely proud of that, and it might refocus his perspective.

hairyprincess

How about doing a 'this is your life' type evening for your dad? From what you say he has done amazingly well from his very humble beginnings and sometimes people need that acknowledged.

As a family, and even friends and colleagues, you could all get together to show your dad in different ways how much you appreciate him and what he has done for you in your lives and what you have achieved because of him.

silverharp

Op , I don't think anything negative has happened here, everyone goes through events that somehow drags your past into the present and it can take time to digest. It could be the death of a parent or what happened in your dad's case.

messy tessy

hairyprincess wrote: »

How about doing a 'this is your life' type evening for your dad? From what you say he has done amazingly well from his very humble beginnings and sometimes people need that acknowledged.

As a family, and even friends and colleagues, you could all get together to show your dad in different ways how much you appreciate him and what he has done for you in your lives and what you have achieved because of him.

This is such a lovely idea, I second it. My heart goes out to your dad, I think this idea, even if it was close family only, would be a nice way to show him how much he means to you all.

Sunny Dayz

I think all you can do is let your Dad know that you are always there for him if he needs to talk. Let him know how much you appreciate him, how well he has done in life, how he has been a fantastic Dad, husband and friend. Let him know that he has been a brilliant father and he should be very proud of himself. There's nothing anyone can do about the past, but encourage him to make the most of his future and to enjoy it.

ifElseThen

Sounds like 3 things to me:
1) His unresolved issues about his own childhood.
2) Could it be that he is maybe thinking that he could have been a bit more generous with his children during their childhoods, given that his own upbringing was miserable.
3) Might regret being so committed to the work while you were children.

Reinforce to him that you:
- are very thankful for the work ethic he instilled in you
- wouldn't change a thing about your childhood
- admire his ability to overcome a tough childhood to be the successful man he is today.

As for the childhood baggage, that's a tough one, getting men of that age who have learned to live with it all bottled in.

The Princess Bride

MondaysChild123 wrote: »

I was naturally concerned and after some digging and a reluctance from him to discuss anything, he broke down even more and said that after the evening before, he couldn't help thinking of his own childhood and how no-one ever gave him anything, and how he spent much of it in so much unhappiness. He didn't want my sibling to think he resented giving him a great gift, because he was delighted to be able to do so, but the whole event had stirred up old memories and he just felt they were always there inside him and he couldn't deal with them or get rid .
Any advice appreciated.

I felt quite sad reading your post OP.
You should feel privileged that your dad confided in you and also acknowledge that you're all so lucky to know such a strong person.
So many with his upbringing might reach early 60s and blame their upbringing on their failings and be bitter in doing so.
Yet it sounds like your dad sought to constantly better himself and stand on his own two feet and shake off the past .
Fair play to him.

My only issue would be he works 6 days and 3 nights- would he consider taking a long break and a well earned holiday, perhaps?
These long hours working? Is it possible that he's still trying to show the world he's not his father's son, he's not his bully's victim etc....?
Acknowledge the positive, he deserves to let go of the past- he has earned the right.

Roselm

My advice would be if he brings it up again not to say that's all in the past, look at your achievements, we're all happy etc because although these things are true it makes it sound like you are saying it doesn't matter that he experienced the difficult childhood.
He doesn't expect or need you to fix the past but he might need you to just acknowledge it.
So when he's talking to you don't try to move him on from what he's saying, instead reflect back the emotion and the ideas you hear eg saying "That must have been tough", "That sounds lonely", "That was a hard choice", "You were protecting yourself" etc.
When you do this people know you are listening and empathising which is what he didn't have in the past when he was going through it all!
Does that make sense?

Ive a lump in my throat reading this, your poor dad.
You could tell him that despite the lousy childhood he had he turned out to be a fantastic father and ensured that his kids didnt lack for anything and were raised by a great role model.

It reminds me a bit of an advert that was on tv about 15 years ago. I can't remember if it was for childline or something like that, the slogan was "childhood lasts a lifetime" it showed adults speaking with their voices dubbed by a childs voice talking about tramautic incidences. When my mam saw that advert it really affected her & it transpired that she had a very upsetting childhood. I tell her now what a great parent she is and how she raised us with good morals & values, i know it means a lot to her. That advert was her trigger just like the giving of the gift seems to have been your dads

I wish more than anything that my mam had a better childhood & better opportunities but all i can do is try to make her happy now in the present.

neemish

I was really proud of your Dad reading that story. I was proud of how hard he has worked. I was proud when he cried over his own childhood and the things he didn't have. It shows that not only is he a hard worker but someone who reflects on things. I would say, just be there for him. Maybe organise to call over for tea or go for a walk or whatever it is you do. Be there just to listen. Maybe ask a few questions. It's not always a bad thing that the past comes back. Maybe this a time of healing for your Dad. Tears and doubts and fears are all a part of that.

jimmycrackcorm

I think you should remind your father how wonderful he is and how much he has achieved. We are all the product of our experiences and its very likely that his achievements now are testament to his childhood experience has driven him to more success than most people.

He paid the price early on in life, its now time for him to enjoy the rewards particularly in the light of what he was able to do for your sibling.

Teyla Emmagan

You poor father. He had shown amazing strength and resolve in life to overcome such a horrible start. I am very sorry things were so difficult for him. Shows these things never go away. He sounds like an amazing man OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your advice. I guess all we can do is talk to him and get him to open up about it more, he can't change the past so has to look forward.

Yes he is an amazing man and has done well considering his beginnings. It hasn't all been plain sailing but he's reached a point where I feel he should be enjoying what he's built, but his work ethic and drive is such that he's the kind of guy who will probably never retire and always be doing something. He can't sit still for long.

whiskeyman

Your Dad sounds like a total legend and I feel you all appreciate him so much.
Be sure to spend as much time as you can with him and keep making many more happy memories for him to savor and enjoy.