30s+/Married - how often do you see your mates?

jobless

Just wondering this, for any of you in the same boat as me, how often you see your old friends these days?.

Most of my mates (been mates since school) are married or in long term relationships but we try to meet up at least every six weeks for beers... but in the last couple of years one or two of the group make no effort to meet up anymore...despite always trying initiate conversations over social media etc and most of it is down to pure laziness..

at what stage do you bite the bullet and leave these people in the past...

me_irl

Well, you do have a lot of free time.

lawlolawl

Sorry, you'll have to wait until all the kids are grown up and your friends are retired to see them regularly again.

You'll mostly meet them at funerals for various different other members of your circle of friends.

NIMAN

Rarely.

RedXIV

From a gang that hung around with each other every day, we now only have 2 iron clad dates of the year that we make the effort to meet up. We usually meet up spontaneously during the year as well, but I'd move all kinds of appointments/work do's around to ensure I make those two dates.

Now my work colleagues would be my closest acquaintances on a day to day basis

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

DavyD_83

Are you a married 30+yourself OP? or are you the single lad who misses his mates?

All depends what is going on in people's lives, and kids make a big difference too.
I'm married, with an 18 month old at the mo, so in a lot of cases I've been that guy who's dropped off the radar.

I like to think my mates (that matter) get that I have other stuff going on, and am just not arsed drinking 4 nights a week anymore. If there's an event that matters to them, I'll always make the effort; and more importantly if they ever actually need me (or anything from me), they know i'll still be there.

At the moment, I really only see the bigger group of mates at weddings (no funerals for a while, luckily) and probably at Christenings soon.

A couple of married friends, who are more in the same boat as me right now, would drop over for dinner n a quiet drink once every few months, but not as regularly as we all intend.

Howard the Duck

Used to hardly ever see any of my old mates but now we are on a Whatsapp group chat all the time and we play pitch and putt most Sundays if the weather is good.

Ice Maiden

Children are what change social lives (and they have to) not marriage/long term relationships/age... Well laziness and apathy/rut too I guess, if there are no children in the picture.

DVD-Lots

I have a couple of mates that also have kids and we started using skype a lot on a Fri or Sat night (sound only, cameras be too freaky). We dial in and crack a few cans, watch a bit of MOTD (synch up with sky or filmon to watch a variety of programs) or if there is a good match on in the evening, or good nights boxing/UFC/Golf etc. Once the sport finishes we would send fail/viral vids and eventually end up sending music vids etc. The banter is brilliant and it is honestly better than trying to scream over loud music in a pub/club.

We've also managed to get games of online poker in, bought tabletop simulator to play some games that aren't available online, played some multiplayer games over steam and even managed to get the 3 of us blind drunk playing guitars and drum machines and recording the whole mess. Variety is the key here lads!

It sounds strange but we have managed to stay in touch and have a good laugh, it is a break from the norm and our wives are very understanding. If one of us has a family night then you are still bound to get one of us at least one of the nights of a weekend. Haven't gone to the pub in ages as it works out a hell of a lot cheaper and at least I know the bed is only a few feet away instead of trying to get a taxi home etc.

We've had a few other friends drop in from time to time but they aren't as hardcore as us, or they just found it too strange and didn't get into the groove of things.

The 3 of us would be aged 38-43, have kids aged 4-13 and have known each other for over 30 years, the wild days of going out every week are over so this is a nice compromise. One of the guys is in Manchester so it would be hard to meet up for a pint at the weekend anyways, the other guy lives over the far side of town from me and we do meet up once a month or so for some afternoon pints, but funnily enough, we look forward to getting back home and onto our PC's for SKype Club!!!

theteal

Weddings

Speedwell

My husband and I are both high-functioning autistic (I reportedly have Aspergers but whatevs). Having friends in the first place is the major hurdle I'm a fairly recent immigrant. My friends are also well over 7000 km away. But we stay in touch on Facebook and I have a spare room set up if any get up the necessary to come visit.

hatrickpatrick

For anyone reading this who's despairing at what the future seems to hold in store for them, I'm 26, and my parents and their college crew have been tight for my entire life and see eachother regularly, as in at least monthly. My dad used to play football with the lads on Tuesday nights until he got a bad injury in his mid 40s and he organises hillwalking trips for them every summer, my mum has a monthly book club with the girls and sees them for random meet ups apart from that, and they have a couple of big annual traditions (a house party in our own house every Halloween, big Christmas nights out etc). The group also used to always go on family holidays together in the summer so they could all hang out and us kids could all hang out as well.

Life is what you make it. You don't have to become a stereotype if you don't want to!

smash

jobless wrote: »

in the last couple of years one or two of the group make no effort to meet up anymore...despite always trying initiate conversations over social media etc and most of it is down to pure laziness..

Maybe it's you, OP.

FTA69

I'm 28 and in a long term relationship and don't go out nearly as much as I used to. I used to be a lad who'd go on the lash every week at least, living in London there was plenty to be doing and people to be seeing but I don't do half as much of it now. I've gone back to competitive boxing and when training for a fight I'll be off the sauce for three months at a time. My missus is teetotal so there is very rarely any sort of pressure to go out.

I see my mates very regularly only it's framed in different circumstances and situations. I'll head to see boxing fights, gigs, plays, events of interest or else I'll pop around to someone's house for a bit of grub or they'll come by the flat. I arrange to go into town to see people and we'll have a munch and sit in a pub or watch the GAA. The big change was not seeing people in the pub every week but I quickly realised that was more social habit than anything. There's a million things you can do without getting off your face in the pub and social life doesn't have to end just because you're not on the booze or living with someone/married.

Seeing your buddies can take a bit of effort, but it's important to make time for people and not slip into a domestic rut when you say "f*ck it I'm away home to watch TV"

eviltwin

We each go out on alternative weekends so once a fortnight. I think I would actually go mad if I didn't see them.

salmocab

Late 30s married with a kid still see my mates at least once a fortnight for a few pints or out to watch a rugby match, more during the likes of the world cup 6nations etc. You have to pick your battles on nights out.

Jayop

Speedwell wrote: »

My husband and I are both high-functioning autistic (I reportedly have Aspergers but whatevs). Having friends in the first place is the major hurdle I'm a fairly recent immigrant. My friends are also well over 7000 km away. But we stay in touch on Facebook and I have a spare room set up if any get up the necessary to come visit.

I'll be your friend Speedwell!!

lawred2

jobless wrote: »

Just wondering this, for any of you in the same boat as me, how often you see your old friends these days?.

Most of my mates (been mates since school) are married or in long term relationships but we try to meet up at least every six weeks for beers... but in the last couple of years one or two of the group make no effort to meet up anymore...despite always trying initiate conversations over social media etc and most of it is down to pure laziness..

at what stage do you bite the bullet and leave these people in the past...

laziness?

Do they have any children?

Because now that I have two kids under three; I feel like I have three full time jobs.. I really and genuinely have zero time for meetups.

If they don't have kids - I can't see why they wouldn't meet up. Unless you were just circumstantial friends and once circumstances changed for either of you, the friendship just dissolved.

Most friends are 'time and place' friends - not real friends.

jobless

DavyD_83 wrote: »

Are you a married 30+yourself OP? or are you the single lad who misses his mates?

All depends what is going on in people's lives, and kids make a big difference too.
I'm married, with an 18 month old at the mo, so in a lot of cases I've been that guy who's dropped off the radar.

I like to think my mates (that matter) get that I have other stuff going on, and am just not arsed drinking 4 nights a week anymore. If there's an event that matters to them, I'll always make the effort; and more importantly if they ever actually need me (or anything from me), they know i'll still be there.

At the moment, I really only see the bigger group of mates at weddings (no funerals for a while, luckily) and probably at Christenings soon.

A couple of married friends, who are more in the same boat as me right now, would drop over for dinner n a quiet drink once every few months, but not as regularly as we all intend.

Hey I'm married with young child like yourself.. The ones I was saying were lazy have no kids and have basically givin up leaving the house since they got married ... Personally i dont think kids is an excuse when you can organise it way in advance.... Obviously they can get sick etc etc..

One friend I've seen once in three years and he would get upset if u didn't reply to his watsapp group...

I guess this post came out of thinking why bother with him anymore when he won't make any effort

jobless

smash wrote: »

Maybe it's you, OP.

Maybe they go out behind my back

Jayop

jobless wrote: »

Hey I'm married with young child like yourself.. The ones I was saying were lazy have no kids and have basically givin up leaving the house since they got married ... Personally i dont think kids is an excuse when you can organise it way in advance.... Obviously they can get sick etc etc..

One friend I've seen once in three years and he would get upset if u didn't reply to his watsapp group...

I guess this post came out of thinking why bother with him anymore when he won't make any effort

I was that lad for years and now I'm trying to make more of an effort to see my mates from childhood. I live miles away from any of them but we've met up twice for a weekend since September and after reading this thread I just shot them a message looking to meet up again.

andekwarhola

See them often enough. They don't all like the same things. See the football lads most weeks at games. Any good friends I have in Dublin, it's rare 3-4 weeks would go by without seeing them for a pint or coffee or even just going for a walk or dropping into their house or whatever.

Most of them are older and settled with kids as well so thankfully they realize you can be good mates and enjoy your time alone or with family without having to live in each others pockets all the time.

WhatsApp groups and social media are a godsend too. It's nice to interact to people on a trivial daily basis even if you're just liking their family pics or whatever.

jobless

Jayop wrote: »

I was that lad for years and now I'm trying to make more of an effort to see my mates from childhood. I live miles away from any of them but we've met up twice for a weekend since September and after reading this thread I just shot them a message looking to meet up again.

Yeah I think it's important to actually meet up in person every so often... Social media watsapp etc are good to a point but you can't maintain a friendship on them alone... Obviously if people live in other countries it's different

jobless

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

For anyone reading this who's despairing at what the future seems to hold in store for them, I'm 26, and my parents and their college crew have been tight for my entire life and see eachother regularly, as in at least monthly. My dad used to play football with the lads on Tuesday nights until he got a bad injury in his mid 40s and he organises hillwalking trips for them every summer, my mum has a monthly book club with the girls and sees them for random meet ups apart from that, and they have a couple of big annual traditions (a house party in our own house every Halloween, big Christmas nights out etc). The group also used to always go on family holidays together in the summer so they could all hang out and us kids could all hang out as well.

Life is what you make it. You don't have to become a stereotype if you don't want to!

That's great to hear... Id love to be in that position when I'm older..

andekwarhola

Sound like an agony aunt, but a shared interest is a decent way to ensure you honour time with friends. We've football matches but it could be anything: movies, training, hiking whatever.

Into The Blue

jobless wrote: »

Most of my mates (been mates since school) are married or in long term relationships but we try to meet up at least every six weeks for beers... but in the last couple of years one or two of the group make no effort to meet up anymore...
at what stage do you bite the bullet and leave these people in the past...

Same, about every month/six weeks.
As for old friends who make no effort, just let it slide without making an actual effort to cut ties..

The once a year you see them will still be good craic for old times sake.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

First rule of Skype Club...

You do NOT talk about Skype Club...

timthumbni

I rarely see my old mates nowadays since I had kids. The question I have is if they were ever friends at all or were they just drinking buddies....

To be honest I don't miss them at all. I assume they feel the same about me.

One eyed Jack

Most of my mates from school and college, previous work are scattered around Ireland and the world, so some of them I get to see weekly, some I haven't seen in months or years in some cases, but we keep in touch regularly with phone calls, postcards and letters. When they come back to Ireland or they come for a visit we go out for dinner and a few drinks and we still have loads to talk about

aaronjumper

DVD-Lots wrote: »

I have a couple of mates that also have kids and we started using skype a lot on a Fri or Sat night . . .

I hope my friends and I have something like this in time to come if we can't meet up properly.

Saw my pub going friends as often as I liked through my married 30s. Was out up to 3/4 nights a week in the early 30s but that dwindled as the recession took hold and going out became less frequent. Turned 40, had a kid, and that changed everything. Less interested in going out, less interested in the pub thing. Might hook up once a month, meet different friends now more often, the ones into running, the ones available for lunch etc.

helimachoptor

Comes in spurts...

Again with school friends, can be infrequent actually meeting up despite the fact we all live within 2km of each other! but do try to knock over but kids etc mean that priorities shift and we all understand that. As said above if there's something on or someone needs something friends will always be there.

We would have always emailed in group chats everyday, now thats on whatsapp.. so if some of them are out and you cant make it.. there's a fair amount of banter!

tbh i think it makes the nights you do meet up that bit more special as they arent as common, where as 10 years ago, you could see them twice a week or more for pints.

Understanding wives also help..

Usernemises

As a group we have invested in season tickets for the Ireland football games, pints before and after the games and plenty of forward notice so no hassle with the wives etc, we all have kids.

RonanP77

Never, I gave up socialising a good few years ago when I moved out of town (only 20 mins away) I don't even bother with weddings now. We didn't really fall out but once I told one of the lads (I guess he was the leader when we were younger) I wasn't going to his wedding, we all kind of lost touch.

TBH it doesn't bother me, I don't miss hanging around with them at all. I go to classes 2 or 3 times a week lately and have a good chat/laugh with some of the lads there, I get on alright with a few lads at work but it wouldn't cross my mind to meet up with any of them outside of class/work.