Wife dancing with other men

joe6pack

Okay I know this sounds pretty mad...But here goes..
My wife and I are together 17 years married for 7.We have 3 great children and a great relationship.The problem is a few years ago she done a charity Strictly Come Dancing Event where she was paired up with some bloke and she enjoyed the training and the final night.But I have to admit I hated it....every second of it.
The training nights and the show on the night.That was 3 years ago and now she is doing another one.To be fair she asked me a load of times to do it with her..but it's really not my thing.But now she's well into training for this one and has just told me she's doing dirty dancing with another man whom she's been training with song is "time of your life" and I know this seems odd but I cannot get over the feelings of jealousy and would rather not watch this performance in front of 500 people.But feel I should support her.
Am i being mad or what?

Lisacatlover

Yeah, you're being nuts. It seems to be a hobby she really loves, she's asked you to do it with her, and you've said no. So she either gives up the possibility of ever doing something she seems to really enjoy again, or she does it with another dance partner.

You just have to suck it up really?

It's competitive dancing, it's much closer to doubles tennis or amateur dramatics that it is to grinding on some guy in a club. Also, it's ballroom dancing man, a disproportionate amount of the guys involved are gayer than a tree full of monkies on nitrous oxide, so keep that in mind, if it helps.

Pawwed Rig

Yes you are being unfair here. She likes to dance and would seem to be good at it. You should be happy for her.

charlietheminxx

I agree. It's only dancing... Isn't it fantastic she has found a hobby she's good at and enjoys? She wanted you to feel included, she would probably rather be dancing with you but it's not your thing and that's fine. What's not fine is you wanting her to give up something she enjoys because you're jealous.

You need to address your jealousy.

Ursus Horribilis

Yes I agree that your jealousy is unfounded and you need to get over yourself. I'm sure she knows you're not happy about it too unless you're a very good actor. You're sucking all the good out of this. If you don't go to see her dance,what sort of message do you think that's going to send out?

Oh and when I first saw the subject heading, I thought this was going to be about some bloke whose wife liked to dance provocatively and grind against random men on dance floors or something. This is seriously tame stuff you're getting hit under the collar about.

joe6pack

obviously thinking logically there is nothing I disagree with in any of the above posts.But I can't help my feelings irrational or not and going on the night will be difficult for me(I accept it shouldn't be) and I know there will be few jibes from mutual friends eg."get a load of them" "you'd better look out for your man" ect. which I'll have to politely giggle to but would really rather not hear.

Would everyone say the same thing if the situation were reversed?

Pawwed Rig

joe6pack wrote: »

obviously thinking logically there is nothing I disagree with in any of the above posts.But I can't help my feelings irrational or not and going on the night will be difficult for me

Suck it up and say nothing or you risk ruining what is an enjoyable pursuit for your wife. You understand that it is irrational so know that saying something is not rational.

joe6pack wrote: »

Would everyone say the same thing if the situation were reversed?

Reversed in that you were dancing with a woman? I see no difference tbh. You are sexualising a hobby.

Ursus Horribilis

You'd swear she was pole dancing in a lapdancing club the way you're going on. Why have you turned this into something sexual? Will you be sitting at the show looking at all the other women and rating their knockers and legs? Or am I missing something here?

armaghlad

It's good that your jealous. It is natural. It's a sign you really love her. If you can channel that jealousy into not being "dickish" (not saying you are being dickish) then I don't see any issue.

CiDeRmAn

Best thing is probably to take it up, if it's something that makes your wife this happy, and be a part of it.
Then give yourself a smack on the back of the head for being jealous in the first place.

baby and crumble

I do kind of understand where the OP is coming from. My partner dances and performs bellydance etc. The first time I heard she was going to be dancing in a show I freaked out a little but I kept it to myself. TBH though once I got there and saw her I was stupidly proud of her and keep egging her on now!

You have to understand that for someone who loves dancing it's not even remotely sexual. Who gives a damn what other lads think? Your wife has a cool, interesting hobby tat she loves and works hard at. I guarantee you their rehearsals are full of manky sweating and doing the same movement a million times until it's right, even if it looks sexy on stage it looses any kind of thrill after the 100th time you have to do something. She obviously isn't using it as a way to get away from you or anything neither considering she wanted you to do it with her, and also to come and support her.

And I think everyone here would be saying the exact same thing if you were a woman with this problem, and saying her husband was dancing in such a competition.

RebekahD

I can kind of see why the op might be upset, like how many times have we seen where the dancers and their celeb partners have broken up from spouses while filming ? So plenty of stick to wind him up about.
And to be honest I'd not like to see my partner dirty dancing with someone else ! Even for a hobby, or bit of fun !
I can't help wonder if this dance was chosen above all others to have a dig at the op to maybe stir him into going dancing with her the next time ?

Aimeee

Do you have a hobby yourself that you can immerse yourself in? Sometimes if you give less time to thinking about oithers the negative feelings can disappear?
I've been involved in amateur dramatics from time to time & there's no doubt that it consumes you until showtime. I've often wondered how people's other halves deal with the close encounters that are required sometimes not to mention the time given over to it week after week for months beforehand.
Look, in one way it's good that you have these feelings, some women might find it flattering. However can you not see it as a positive thing that your wife feels like you have a sound marriage that she's able to devote the time required to this event (guessing it's for charity too?). She knows the children are in good hands. They way it should be. You should be proud of her. She's obviously got a talent to be asked again to do it, plus the courage to perform in front of audience. Also if she's doing "dirty dancing" type dance I suspect its a more complicated dance in that there's probably a fly through the air finish or some lifting involved. For amateurs this is not easy so kudos to her for attempting it.
Finally and I don't know the ages of your children but what a great lesson for them seeing Mom perform or seeing her give time to something positive for the community. Don't underestimate the inspiration this can give to young children which they may draw on in their older years.
Regarding any glib comments from 'friends' well says more about them than you or your wife tbh. Usually slightly envious or just trying to wind you up. Don't let them.
Have you mentioned your feelings to your wife at all?

Addle

RebekahD wrote: »

I can't help wonder if this dance was chosen above all others to have a dig at the op to maybe stir him into going dancing with her the next time ?

It was probably just chosen because it's hugely popular and brilliant of well executed!

Katgurl

Ah OP you have to go see her! She's probably dying to show off her moves, all dressed up etc. I can almost guarantee you that's the most exciting part for her; knowing you are there watching.

I echo the previous poster who said there won't be anything sexual (never was for me when I was dancing) and loads of them probably gay anyway! By the way the "dirty dancing" routine contains lots of complicated steps and is not dirty.

I'm sure there are lots of positives to this new hobby; she's probably in great form, loads of confidence, figure improved and libido jumping through the roof - enjoy.

meeeeh

RebekahD wrote: »

I can kind of see why the op might be upset, like how many times have we seen where the dancers and their celeb partners have broken up from spouses while filming ? So plenty of stick to wind him up about.
And to be honest I'd not like to see my partner dirty dancing with someone else ! Even for a hobby, or bit of fun !
I can't help wonder if this dance was chosen above all others to have a dig at the op to maybe stir him into going dancing with her the next time ?

I have very good friend who danced competitively acrobatic rock'n'roll and she said whenever she had bad argument with her partner he would 'forget' to catch her during throws. That was the extreme, I know couple more competitive dancers who had very little good to say about their partners. Judging life through couple of celebrity rags is a dangerous thing to do.

Anyway op you can be jealous or you can be happy your wife is getting some exercise and doing something she loves.

joe6pack

Aimeee wrote: »

Have you mentioned your feelings to your wife at all?

Thank you some very valid points

I have mentioned it in a roundabout way and she's tried to reassure me but I still feel I will be very uncomfortable on the evening.
I appreciate all this comes across as me being very silly.

baby and crumble

joe6pack wrote: »

Thank you some very valid points

I have mentioned it in a roundabout way and she's tried to reassure me but I still feel I will be very uncomfortable on the evening.
I appreciate all this comes across as me being very silly.

Ah look, we all get niggles like this every now and again. But I would recommend you try to get over it. Best response to some of your mates or whatever to comments they might make is something along the lines of"I know, isn't she brilliant? I'm so proud of her" or "I don't see your missus up there!" and they'll soon give it up.

joe6pack

RebekahD wrote: »

I can't help wonder if this dance was chosen above all others to have a dig at the op to maybe stir him into going dancing with her the next time ?

Thanks
I really don't think it happened like that,I think the dance teacher paired them up according to ability.

woodchuck

joe6pack wrote: »

obviously thinking logically there is nothing I disagree with in any of the above posts.But I can't help my feelings irrational or not and going on the night will be difficult for me(I accept it shouldn't be) and I know there will be few jibes from mutual friends eg."get a load of them" "you'd better look out for your man" ect. which I'll have to politely giggle to but would really rather not hear.

Would everyone say the same thing if the situation were reversed?

For the bit in bold, of course all emotional reactions are valid. However you recognise that your reaction is irrational, and you CAN do something about that. Whether it's self help books or counselling or whatever. YOU have the issue here; your jealousy and insecurity. YOU need to work on that. Your wife isn't doing anything wrong.

Colser

For what its worth OP I would feel the exact same as you.Of course its probably irrational but we are all different and cant help how we feel about things.
No advise for you Im afraid other than to try and put it out of your mind or you will drive yourself mad thinking about it, as for on the night just laugh off any jibes and dont let your jealousy show or your friends will be on it like a shot.
Dont pretend to be sick(or any other excuse)on the night as people will see through it and you will end up getting a worse ribbing.

Its a difficult one but you just have to try and hide your feelings on this ..I genuinely think that a lot of men would have a problem with their wives doing this dance in particular with another man but may be reluctant to admit it as it portrays them as jealous rather than maybe being uncomfortable with it.:)

Aimeee

joe6pack wrote: »

Thank you some very valid points

I have mentioned it in a roundabout way and she's tried to reassure me but I still feel I will be very uncomfortable on the evening.
I appreciate all this comes across as me being very silly.

You are not coming accross as silly at all. I would say quite normal and I agree with the other poster who said many husbands would feel exactly the same. I really think the key is either talking about it openly or jokingly so that at least it's not festering inside you running the risk of being blown out of all proportion. (This is what happens to me). I've had situations where other half has been imersed in some hobby or activity where there are lots of women and while I'm never envious of the activity i do get jealous of the free time he gets/needs to pursue it. So we talk about it and there's a solution in some form. My point is talking about it can provide great relief and key things open. I have never asked him to stop something nor he me but i trust that we are both aware enough to stop something if it starts to put the important stuff at risk. I think you being aware of your feelings demonstrates great insight tbh. Don't let them rule you they are a stepping stone to a happier solution and that might just be a change of mindset.

groovyg

The title of this thread is rather misleading, I thought I was going to be reading about a woman going out clubbing and dancing with random guys however Op its about your wife dancing in a strictly come dancing competition.
She asked you would you do it you said you no as you don't enjoy it so why can't you be happy that she is doing a hobby that she enjoys. As for your mates making smart ass comments well you shouldn't be shying away in embarrassment you should be proud of her, and retorting back that you wish you could dance as well and you'd be up there with her.
As for posters comparing it to the tv series where all the slebs relationships break up - in celeb land marriages/relationships are fickle and in some cases a PR exercise.

silverbolt

joe6pack wrote: »

obviously thinking logically there is nothing I disagree with in any of the above posts.But I can't help my feelings irrational or not and going on the night will be difficult for me(I accept it shouldn't be) and I know there will be few jibes from mutual friends eg."get a load of them" "you'd better look out for your man" ect. which I'll have to politely giggle to but would really rather not hear.

Would everyone say the same thing if the situation were reversed?

Frankly, id be asking where this insecurity is coming from. Your together 17 years, why is this surfacing now? For these instances.

Your wife is loyal to you its just dancing - nothing more.

As to your mates ribbing well thats what some men will do. But unless you have even greater insecurities you can just brush it off. Or it will fester within you.

I can understand that you could ge jealous, we all do from time to time. ITs only natural. But it is her hobby and you need to resolve this youself

Jan Laco

I can understand your worries OP. No doubt she is going into it as a hobby but the very essence of dancing in nature is to boost bonds and show off agility. That's why in the natural world pairs dance for their partners.

I wouldn't liken it to the celeb dancing couples as they are celebrities, and because they are training hours every day. But dancing does create a bonds more so than if it were another paired hobby.

It's easier said than done but you should just try it out too. The effort will be appreciated more than the dance itself anyway, no matter how good you are.

Pawwed Rig

Jan Laco wrote: »

The effort will be appreciated more than the dance itself anyway, no matter how good you are.

Not necessarily. She might be frustrated that she is back at square 1.

Pyr0

You're jealous, which is a normal reaction in this situation even though you can logically see that you shouldn't be, it's a gut feeling that won't go away easily but may lessen somewhat once you see how much she loves it and what it's really about.

There's really two ways it go can play out, either you go to the dance and show your support for your wife, get a bit of slagging from the lads and secretly burn with jealousy on the inside or better yet, slag yourself and admit your jealousy but still, you're there and you're supporting her and that's really all that matters.

OR

You don't go, simply out of jealousy, let your wife down and potentially ruin any drive she has for the hobby, she might continue doing it out of love for the hobby but this could drive a wedge between you or she stops doing it because she cares about your feelings, either way, you caused the problem by not going.

My advice would be to suck it up and go!

cath1980

Hi joesixpack

You really were told straight here lol I don't think you are being irrational here because they are feelings that are true for you and there must be a reason they are there. Everyone gets jealous at some point and I see in a way how you could feel like that seeing your wife out dancing with a guy especially getting the smart comments from friends so you're not totally irrational at all . If I had a husband and he was doing the same I'd be lieing if I said I wouldn't feel a hint of that too. That being said you should find a way to work through it and support her as best you can and maybe even try get involved in some small way and you may even enjoy it! Get her to practise with u at home for the fun. It might be a good idea to not act on your feelings of jealousy as after all they are just feelings and feelings are not facts and they can change in an instant . Find a way to work through it and soothe those feelings yourself maybe something as simple as breathing and grounding yourself and reminding yourself that you have nothing to be jealous of and these are just feelings . Whatever works for you.
Don't be hard on yourself you can't help how you feel the most important thing is to acknowledge those feelings and work through it without acting on them and you'll be fine and actually you may even learn something about yourself !! Good luck

LegacyUser

It is all about trust. Ive read numerous times in the paper about professional dancers sleeping with married men/women on various strictly programmes.

Its due to the closeness of the couple and while most times nothing happens, it is not unheard off.

I have a close friend that does the latin style dancing and she sleeps with all her partners as she believes it brings them closer.

Im not saying for one minute this will happen, I just can understand your concerns

kylith

RebekahD wrote: »

I can kind of see why the op might be upset, like how many times have we seen where the dancers and their celeb partners have broken up from spouses while filming ? So plenty of stick to wind him up about.
And to be honest I'd not like to see my partner dirty dancing with someone else ! Even for a hobby, or bit of fun !
I can't help wonder if this dance was chosen above all others to have a dig at the op to maybe stir him into going dancing with her the next time ?

It's not 'dirty dancing' it's the dance routine from Dirty Dancing. There's a good foot of space between the dancers most of the time.

OP, while I can understand that you are jealous you have to see this for what it is: a hobby that your wife has. She asked you to join her and you refused, so I really don't see how you can complain about her doing it - she wanted you to do it with her and you wouldn't.

Lavinia

And how are other things between you two OP? Do you have any suspicion she might be cheating on you?
Or do you yourself have those thoughts (about other women) but are projecting them on her?