Guy has ed

LegacyUser

Hi guys, looking for honest opinions here.
I met a guy a few months ago and felt like we really clicked. We talked lots and were very honest with each other.
He suffers with anxiety and said he is not great when it comes to women. I don't know a huge amount about it but happy to learn about it if it helps him. He is just finished a huge project so is under pressure with that for the next few months.
So after a month we slept together. He clearly wanted to, but he couldn't finish and that really annoyed him. I have told him I (genuinely) don't mind and will do whatever it takes to help him. Since the few times, we just message and he says he doesn't want anything in terms of a relationship. We have discussed and I constantly tell him it doesn't bother me that we can take it slow and not put pressure on him. I tried to stop contact but really missed him so we met up again.
We message all the time - as if we are in a relationship - telling each other the little things that are happening or how our days are going etc.
So my questions are - from a males point - am I wasting my time in trying to help him sort it? Is it easy to solve or is it a big problem for a guy? Am I wasting my time full stop - even though he messages me all the time, is he just not interested? Should I cut contact and move on or hang in there until he finishes the work project and see then? My head is so confused.

suicide_circus

So we're clear, he couldn't finish or couldn't stay "up"?

via4

I am a girl so a guy would prob be able to tell you more about where the guys head is at but I suffer with anxiety and please don't take this as gospel because this may not be the case with this guy at all but sometimes I would really like to be with someone but I feel it would be unfair because of my anxiety I wouldn't like to hold anyone back because the anxiety holds me back a lot in life. The guilt of putting that on someone I feel is unfair. Of course this may not be this guys case maybe have a little chat with him again in the next few weeks but don't pressure too much because stress can make the anxiety worse so we try and avoid potentially stressful situations in life. Maybe he feels he likes you but knows himself if things go wrong he can't handle it...it's hard to know really...hope I didn't confuse you there! Defo have a light and breezy chat for your own peace of mind.

LegacyUser

He couldn't finish but had no problem at all getting up. Sorry if tmi!!

Thanks via4, it does help as I don't know anything really about anxiety, I have read up on it a bit but I don't know anyone apart from him who has it.

I want to be there for him and will do anything I can for him. When we are together we get on so well - apart from that one thing. That's what confuses me as we click and it feels so right when we are together. I don't want to put any pressure on him but for myself I'd like to know where I stand and if I'm wasting my time - and his.

Thanks for the replies.

unreg for this post

unreg for this post wrote: »

I want to be there for him and will do anything I can for him.

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship, so this sounds like far too serious and attached a thing to be saying considering.
Let go of the whole ED thing and listen to what he's told you - he doesn't want it. I would stop chasing him and pinning everything on "he has anxiety". It doesn't change what he wants. So I would say move on

LegacyUser

Thanks bluewolf.

I'm saying that as in being patient and allowing what time is needed or of there is something we can do for him to be able to finish - if that's what he wants. He says it's his anxiety, he has told me he does like me but this is a much bigger deal to him than me.

He contacts me - that's where I get confused if he doesn't want anything with me then why do that and practicality be like a couple? It's just 6 months since we met and I like him too much to walk away if there is a chance that we could sort things out.

unreg for this post

unreg for this post wrote: »

Thanks bluewolf.

I'm saying that as in being patient and allowing what time is needed or of there is something we can do for him to be able to finish - if that's what he wants. He says it's his anxiety, he has told me he does like me but this is a much bigger deal to him than me.

He contacts me - that's where I get confused if he doesn't want anything with me then why do that and practicality be like a couple? It's just 6 months since we met and I like him too much to walk away if there is a chance that we could sort things out.

OP, it really doesn't matter that it's not a big deal to you. It's a big deal to him, maybe big enough for him to not want a relationship at this time.
You can like a person a lot and text a lot but not want a relationship with them. Yes it is confusing, I get that. Perhaps he is conflicted inside regarding what he wants? Perhaps your desire to do anything to help is overwhelming for him? Perhaps he isn't as in to you as you think?

He has told you he doesn't want a relationship. You could just go with the flow, continue being in contact, if he can finish during sex then great, if he can't then he can't. Don't become invested here OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks Persepoly.

It is really confusing for me. Personally , if I don't want to be with someone then I walk away. We did that but got in contact again so thst confused me more.

I needed to hear it from an outsiders point as I just end up confused when I start thinking about it.

unreg for this post

unreg for this post wrote: »

Thanks Persepoly.

It is really confusing for me. Personally , if I don't want to be with someone then I walk away. We did that but got in contact again so thst confused me more.

I needed to hear it from an outsiders point as I just end up confused when I start thinking about it.

How did you get in contact again?

LegacyUser

He had left stuff at my house that he needed. We chatted a bit - told each other we missed each other etc. I met him with his things and we ended up going for dinner. When we are together we get on so well.

I'd hate to walk away if I thought he had any interest. He has said he isn't great with women and relationships (he is 30). I get the impression someone treated him badly and it has affected his confidence.

I stayed at his house last week and we kissed/cuddled and I suggested we leave it that for then - I didn't want him to feel pressurised and thought if he didn't finish it would make things worse. He was fine with that - clearly enjoyed what we had done.

I really don't know what to think!

valoren

If he can get it up then he doesn't have ed.
He could have delayed ejaculation. It's the opposite of premature ejaculation.
You can finish but it takes a long time to do so and can be extremely frustrating.
It's not that he doesn't find you attractive enough to induce it but he may be accustomed to ejaculating through his own hand so to speak and having sex doesn't induce the same pressure, rhythm etc as easily as when he is alone.

It's not something that is easily 'cured' but I would suggest talking to him about it.
He could refrain from masturbating for a period of time and you could both experiment with different positions.

Help him to understand that his coming is not the be all and end all and this will take some of the pressure off him. Just have fun with it

zoobizoo

This article might explain things

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/mar/21/girlfriend-seven-years-but-man-struggles-to-orgasm

LegacyUser

Thanks Valoren.

Yes, he can get it up and it stays for some time but he looses it before he finishes and it goes back to original size! That clearly annoys him.

He won't talk about it much - I think he is embarrassed - I have told him not to be, that it is ok but he says he doesn't feel adequate and he can't get passed it. I wish I could make him realise I don't think like that and think we can work on it in time. I casually mentioned that he could refrain but he just changed the subject.

I think it's a pity he doesn't want to try as what we have aside from that is so good. We are like a couple in every other sense.

He is away for work for the week so we are getting lunch next week. I don't want to put any pressure on him but I want to know if he will at some stage try again or if he wants to walk away.

LegacyUser

Thanks zoobizoo - he has said it is his problem. I really hope I'm not going into too much detail but it's no different to any other guy when we start and pace or anything else isn't a problem. In fact he can last that way a bit longer than other guys but it's as he should be close to finishing that it just stops and it shrinks.

SarahMollie

OP - I'm slightly concerned for you that there could be 2 totally different issues here.

1. That he has delayed ejaculation.
2. That he's not expressing much interest in your relationship

I think you're assuming that the two are linked, that one is causing the other.

This may or may not be the case. I think its also quite likely from what you've said, that he likes you, but not enough to actually put in the effort required for a relationship.

It worries me when I hear girls saying that "we get on so well" in a situation where its convenient for the guy, ie he happened to be over at your house, didnt have dinner plans, so just went with it.

Do you think its possible you're reading too much into the level of interest he's displayed so far?

LegacyUser

Thanks SarahMollie.

At the start he said he was looking for a relationship and we did things like couples. It was only after he couldn't finish that he said he doesn't want anything. He said he doesn't feel like a "real man" after that and doesn't think it's fair to me.

I suppose I do feel like the 2 are connected if I'm honest - things were fine before that snd it really seemed to me that it was just for that reason he said that.

He is under enormous pressure at work and will be for the next few weeks. He did say that with the anxiety that this makes him really stressed - more so than someone without anxiety.

The dinner was his suggestion - was at the end of a working day for us both so we were chatting about work etc. and the conversation was like we both wanted to keep talking - but maybe that's in my mind!!

You could be right regarding his level of interest - maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on his anxiety and pressure at work and think that they are the cause when he just doesn't want a relationship with ME.

By being in contact, I'm trying to see if he really has no interest. Last meet up, he brought me flowers - (he knew it was a relatives anniversary that I found hard). In my head it's that, the closeness we still have that confuse me. I genuinely believe him when he says he is not great with relationships and has been single the past 5 years. I don't know to just hang in for longer to see if things change or walk away and avoid any more hurt.

Turtle_

If he takes medication for his anxiety that can cause all types of problems down there. In which case, there no getting over it really without changing meds, or even stopping them. Even then, problems can persist after discontinuing SSRIs.

However, you have said that it's not a problem for you. And certainly it looks like that's a minor problem incidental to the main problem of knowing where you stand.

A question I think you should ask yourself is whether it would become a problem for you if it can't be resolved. Because there is a chance of that.

If you are okay with that, then I think you need to talk with him about where you stand. Don't bring up bedroom issues. Just lay it out that you like him a lot, you feel that you work well together, that there's potential there, and you think he appears to like you too. You need to know where you stand, are you going out?

If he brings up the bedroom, I think a better response is to tell him that there's so much that you guys can do together in bed that you can have a great time whatever happens down there.

Don't let it drag on indefinitely, that will just eat you both up eventually.

SarahMollie

unreg for this post wrote: »

Thanks SarahMollie.

At the start he said he was looking for a relationship and we did things like couples. It was only after he couldn't finish that he said he doesn't want anything. He said he doesn't feel like a "real man" after that and doesn't think it's fair to me.

I suppose I do feel like the 2 are connected if I'm honest - things were fine before that snd it really seemed to me that it was just for that reason he said that.

He is under enormous pressure at work and will be for the next few weeks. He did say that with the anxiety that this makes him really stressed - more so than someone without anxiety.

The dinner was his suggestion - was at the end of a working day for us both so we were chatting about work etc. and the conversation was like we both wanted to keep talking - but maybe that's in my mind!!

You could be right regarding his level of interest - maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on his anxiety and pressure at work and think that they are the cause when he just doesn't want a relationship with ME.

By being in contact, I'm trying to see if he really has no interest. Last meet up, he brought me flowers - (he knew it was a relatives anniversary that I found hard). In my head it's that, the closeness we still have that confuse me. I genuinely believe him when he says he is not great with relationships and has been single the past 5 years. I don't know to just hang in for longer to see if things change or walk away and avoid any more hurt.

Fair enough, it does sound like you've given it all a good bit of consideration.

Go with what your gut is telling you to do, and if you get an inkling that the bedroom issues are just obscuring bigger issues, then put yourself first and walk away.

LegacyUser

Thanks SarahMollie, I have the week while he is away to think about it from my point.

Gut is telling me to wait until the pressure eases on him - so will see.